#kellan oliver

[honey-and-sting]

On Patroclus & Achilles

He looked at him as if he was the sun, as if he was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Can you imagine? A love so brilliant, even in death, that both gods & men cant stop talking about it.

[honey-and-sting]

On Turning 30

My dear self, I know you didn't think you'd make it this far, didn't think you'd reach these numbers that you will be labeled with (the days of the calendar" blowing away, the clock ticking the seconds in unsettling staccato) I know you thought you'd be dead by now, that this future is a future that was only for people who weren't you

& now you're standing here, on the precipice of a great beginning, empty handed & a little bit confused. What do you bring into your new life when you were prepared for nothing other than not-life? What could the coming years bring to you? Do you brace yourself for unbearable darkness or prepare for unspeakable joy?

There is no way of knowing. All there is to do is walk into those years of promise with your head held high & your heart full of fragile hope.

[honey-and-sting]

Legacy

My greatest hope is that my legacy will be a chest full of memories, a collection of letters, artwork, & keepsakes.

I want there to be photographs of a life well lived & people dearly cherished, for there to be a richness, a tangible proof that I didn't waste these moments, that I lived my life alive.

I want to leave my voice behind in books & poems,

but most of all I want my legacy to be overflowing with love, so much love.

[honey-and-sting]

Roots

Dearest, my heart wants to grow roots with your heart

until they begin to beat in synchrony

until we have grown secure in each other's love.

[honey-and-sting]

The Room I Need

I'm so tired of the world telling me there is no "empty enough", that I take up too much space, & that I need to be more empty.

I've tried to hollow out my bones with missing calories, with the blade, with the hope that if I drove too fast someone would hollow them out for me.

I've spent too much time hating myself & apologizing for the space I couldn't help but exist in.

The world exists for me too & I can take up as much room as I need.

[honey-and-sting]

Isn't it Heavy?

I can't imagine walking around with all that hate in your heart.

[honey-and-sting]

Adoration

I couldn't want you more if your voice made the flowers bloom or if your eyes held the twinkling of all the stars.

You have brought so much wonder into my life, so much magic & joy.

Before I knew it, my heart filled itself with thoughts of you. All I can dream of is your strong arms wrapped tight around me & never letting go.

Please don't let me go.

[honey-and-sting]

Sunshine

Sunshine. I'd almost forgotten the feeling of it dancing on my skin with the breeze.

The world is filled with bright colors. The grass is greener, the sky is bluer, & the world is somehow more yellow.

I want to soak up the light, the joy of existing & being seen. I want to be the sunshine.

[honey-and-sting]

Words Better than Silence

The world fell apart & I ran out of things to say.

As it has been said, if your words aren't better than your silence . . .

Well perhaps I've failed that one

I miss the pen & the paper

& the silence that comes with feverishly writing in a leather journal

like it was the only way I stayed alive

like my words were better than my silence.

Will it come back? Or is it gone forever?

[honey-and-sting]

The Mirror

When I take a look in the mirror: I see someone I don't recognize.

I don't know him. I don't know his curves, his lines, the fat on his arms, his cheeks. I don't know the awkward way he holds himself.

I want to see someone I can relate to. I want to feel like I can belong in my own body.

What does it take to feel like that?

[honey-and-sting]

40

With that smile? There is nothing as bright as you. There is nothing as lovely, no one I'd rather spend my time with.

You are the gentlest man I've ever met & I'm just so blessed

because you are brighter than all the stars, more beautiful than all of the cosmos,

& you still talk to me like I am magic.

[honey-and-sting]

Queer

Am I really the first of us to see someone like me & fall in love?

Am I the first in the family to look in the mirror & see someone so different from what people see?

Out of all the generations was there really no one but me?

Or did you silence them like you'll silence me?

[honey-and-sting]

Delicate Blossoms

Your words are delicate blossoms,

gentle kisses on my forehead,

& I could never get enough.

[honey-and-sting]

After Dark

Darkness falls. One by one the common spaces are emptied & the voices become silent. This is the most peaceful time.

The hours in which they dream are the hours in which I quit holding my breath. I feel the muscles in my shoulders relax, my jaw gently releases its grinding.

This must be what it was like to have lived alone. I’ve almost forgotten what it was like to take up my own space & to have a space of my own to take up.

I relish the few hours I get each night, the time that I have carved out for myself in an environment in which I was never meant to be. They are my own act of rebellion, a form of radical self love in a world that would rather  silence me.

[honey-and-sting]

39

I have spent so many days feeling like a shadow, empty & barely visible. I have been alone for so long. I’m so tired (so so tired) & it doesn’t go away.

Please, will you tell me- Do I even exist

& if so, how long must I continue like this? I’m so tired (so so tired). Please, it never goes away.

I don’t want to live as a ghost.

[honey-and-sting]

My Distant Star

The mere thought of you shimmers. It immerses the velvet night  with striking beauty

& I can’t help but be filled with this longing, this melancholic desire to have you near me. I want to feel your body against mine.

The sky feels infinite, the distance between us boundless, but I have so many things I want to say to you & so many kisses held in my lips.

Can you come shine closer, my distant star?