honeybelladonna

[honeybelladonna]

its not easy to write a card for someone you dont know that well .

[honeybelladonna]

Need a girls night rlly bad but i tend to not fit in with cis girls because im not fully a girl but i still love dressing up doing makeup and all of that. i just need to go out and do fun stuff. Thrifting , shopping, getting hair done idk

[honeybelladonna]

Youre gone still you haunt the back of my mind, influencing everything i do.

[honeybelladonna]

I wonder when ill be finally set free from you. When will i no longer feel an ache when youre brought up?

Its hard, harder than i thought. I have good moments and bad moments. I think what i miss most are the memories. I hear videos of us laughing , i hear videos of us talking, and i miss it. I really do. My brain comes around and i think of the disgusting shit you said. I wouldve never said that about you. I was so loyal til the end.

And i get scared of it happening again. At any sign of slight distance or any sign that can just be interpreted to my ill mind as people leaving or distancing themselves; i begin to pull. I begin to pull away and push away, i feel like a child. I try to leave first so it wont hurt so much.

Someday ill put it behind me.

[honeybelladonna]

I get ill whenever i get reminded. My brain seeks out those behaviors from my safe people and immediately flags them down, i then find myself pushing away so i wont get hurt again. The worst part is that im self aware.

[honeybelladonna]

My social anxiety is Probably directly tied to how attractive i view myself. If i wasnt so ugly id go to up to that girl and tell her how much i love her drawing. But because im ugly , she will probably think its weird.

[honeybelladonna]

And so starts the cycle of the long search history "how to be prettier"

[honeybelladonna]

I have to remember to talk less and be less involved.

[honeybelladonna]

I dont know what to do or how to help. I fear ill have to visit a grave soon. I dont want that to happen.

[honeybelladonna]

embarrassing how one small moment ruins my progress. I was doing so welll i dont know what happened.

[honeybelladonna]

I need and want everyobe to go away i dong want to do tomorrow i want to go

[honeybelladonna]

Ill be okay lol. i missed tge stninging pain.

[honeybelladonna]

why is it so hard to plan something simple for valentimes day. why is it so hard . But youvcan plan stuff for other epeople. You can plan other surpriwes for other people and ask me for money to buy surproses for other leople

[honeybelladonna]

Or maybe ill do it anyways.

[honeybelladonna]

If i dont laugh ill end up cutting

[honeybelladonna]

i just hate everyone so much ibwish everyone would shut up. they dont understand

[honeybelladonna]

i dont feel grown. I still feel 12 sometimes. I despise it.