hoodie-at-the-bar

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

where’s tim?

This may be the zenith of all male profiles, even I feel inadequate. Let’s dissect Tim:

He’s stroking my nerd side about power point, and being playful and charming about why we should date him? I thought maybe it was just the first photo. First photo is a side profile, he can rock a suit, good good.

He didn’t just do the usual bullet points of stats, some were “normal” like the classic “never married, no kids” - shows he can be serious while silly. Normally I’m not a fan of mirror selfies, but I was way to distracted by the wit of his profile - and he’s not hard on the eyes. Going from a suit to a Seahawks jersey shows diversity. 

I was! I was! I was thinking this was all good to be true! Smart, he listed out flaws that the trivial would swipe left on, the surfaced ladies perhaps. The safety of the worst thing about me is, my ability to make you laugh about things that aren’t event hat bad. Low standards? He’s giving us Normies hope.

I swear to god if this is stock footage.... but he mentioned speaking bad Korean, and also spends time eating Korean food, I appreciate his chart skills, and again, humor.

Classic this one move.... his adorable factor keeps increasing. 

In conclusion, I’m smitten. You got me, Tim. Your charm nailed it - and chances are, we will either not match, or he’ll have horrible breath, or someone wrote his profile for him or...what actually happened: we matched, we exchanged a couple messages, and the into the fog he went. Goodbye Tim, I will miss you.

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

shirtless jack

I got dressed before work for my date with Shirtless Jack. Working in tech, people notice when you don't wear jeans and a hoodie. I was a firm believer in not overdressing for a date, to the point you aren’t the real you. But I had a mission with Shirtless Jack - I was allowed to go a little extra, at least my version.

Shirtless Jack lived down in Kent which was more than 30 minutes away from downtown. He had early mornings because he was a tree climber - literally - got paid to climb trees and chainsaw the top. I was intrigued. 

We decided to meet in the middle after work since he had a curfew. I don’t know how this is going to work if we meet early - don’t these casual encounters start late into the evening? Clearly I’ve been reading the wrong magazines.

At 6pm, I was going to meet Shirtless Jack at Derby - a bar in SoDo just north of the Industrial District. There wasn’t much going on, but it looked like a place that worked on old cars, and had a fun interior. He picked the place.

Now if you don’t remember who Shirtless Jack was, here’s a reminder:

He texted me he was at the bar having a beer - there was only one guy at the bar, but he had his shirt on. I walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder, “Jack?”

He smiled and we hugged and I took a seat on the stool to his right. He was drinking a light beer, likely a Pilser. It was a warm day in the summer, and Jack finished cutting down trees so was almost down with his beer by the time I got there. I ordered us another round. 

I found myself having confidence: there was nothing on the line. I swiped right to a guy I didn’t see a future with, so the words just came out.

“So what’s with all the topless photos? Couldn’t find a shirt?”

Jack smiled shyly and said, “It’s what women respond to!”

Hm, he did have a point. It worked on me. We chatted for a bit more, and then he told me his name wasn’t Jack, but it was Vince.

“I wrote in my profile that Jack wasn’t my middle name.”

What is this riddle? Why have a blatantly different name? No, this doesn't work for me. He’s Jack.

“Well, I’m still gonna call you Jack.”

I was very attracted to “Jack” - he smiled most of the time and had a little lisp, but he had JC Chasez’s jawline, Jack Pearson’s musk, and McDreamy’s hair. I had the flutters.

“So what is this about us buying our own beers - are you traumatized by gold diggers?” I was curious why in his profile he straight cut to not buying a girl a beer. 

“I dunno, why can’t we just meet up and hang out? I mean of course I’ll buy a beer for you if I asked you out, I’m not an asshole.”

We talked for a bit. I learned he had a 14 year-old-daughter back east whom he hasn’t seen because his ex-wife won’t allow visitation rights. I got the whole back story - got her pregnant right after high school. Grew up in a religious town where that is what you do if you get a girl pregnant; you get married. But he moved out west to have his own tree-cutting business. Soon, once he saves up money, of course.

The bill came and I put my card down - “I got it. I asked you out, and not all women are just out here to get a free drink.” Did I just pay for a prostitute? Was I that obvious in my intentions or implications? 

We talked a little bit more, then he said something that made me choke on my words.

“I had a really good time, and I’d like to see you again.”

What? Does this mean I’m not taking you home? Does this mean even with your mostly shirtless photos you want to actually date someone? I was confused - this was not the plan. Is it possible that because I let my guard down and let him see my blunt side… I was confused.

I said that sounds nice and we walked outside and I just kept walking until we got to his car. He leaned on the trunk of his car and we chatted some more.

“You probably don’t want a ride home, huh?”

Um, yes, yes I do.

I didn’t think he’d drive me home given he lived much further south. He got in the driver’s side and leaned over to open my door, quickly moving all his dude stuff from the passenger seat: coffee mug, papers, CD’s. I got in and it felt like a college guys’ car by the smell and make of it, but I didn’t mind. We listened to hip hop for the next 20 minutes while he took me home. Jack was into Eminem.

We got to my house and I hugged him goodbye, at this point I enjoyed my conversation with him enough I didn’t want to invite him in anymore. Not even a kiss goodnight. I left the date perplexed; part of me was intrigued to see him again, he had a constant boyish smile and a positive attitude. 

Could this be something more than just a failed attempt at a hookup? Could Shirtless Jack be my jackpot?

-August 19, 2019

Date #1 w/ Shirtless Jack  Suitors in 2019 YTD: 5 Dates in 2019 YTD: 13

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

his photos: back the F#%! up

I’m usually a let’s look at the bigger picture here type of girl, and that doesn’t leave out photos. Tell me why a zoomed up photo of your face is something I need in my life?

and then I realized something special about Alex.

Something about him, I knew he was the kind of guy you could count on - he was dependable.

But it was the clammy hands that I couldn’t negotiate on.

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

return to home, trees, and a murderer

I started having multiple chat conversations with various guys on various apps. I remember talking to Drew a lot, almost throughout the entire direction of the flight home. His bio said: “I’m not going to murder you” - so I swiped right.

We first started out having a decent banter, then he proceeded to tell me about his life story:

I can’t say it wasn’t boring - it was a 6 hour flight, why not indulge? But this is not where Drew’s story begins - we don’t actually meet up for several weeks later.

Remember that Jackpot of photos and a bio? Well we matched - and we too started chatting. I knew Jack as not someone you date, but someone you play with. I had a bucket for each one, and they each had their own swim lane.

Maybe how I save their name in my phone is a sign of what I was getting myself into...but then it was time to meet up with Jack.

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

woodstock: birth of auto-left-swipe

But this just makes me feel like I’m swiping on still shots from the Forensic Files.And just because you’re in disguise, I can still see you ‘not’ smiling’I was supposed to go to Watkins Glen for the 50th Anniversary of Woodstock but alas, it got cancelled due to poor planning - maybe Steven was on the committee. 

Instead, I decided to not cancel my flight and fly to JFK to meet my friend David. We drove 4 hours  to Ithaca to stay at a farmhouse. He was a movie critic, and apparently I, a dating critic. We took some time to get some writing done.

While I was busy catching up on writing about my previous dating adventures, I also wanted to hit reboot and do some reconnaissance.  I started swiping and following patterns of men's photos and bios. I paid for all the apps so I could still browse in my home city of Seattle, over 3,000 miles away. What I found were patterns of what I liked, what I didn’t like, and what I would be okay with if it wasn’t for a relationship. I had shared my blog with more and more people, and what the people wanted were the details - the adult details. So I started adding them in retrospectively. So the patterns:

Why so serious?

I’ve written about this before, but it grew more and more important that you smile. I understand the serious face for one modelling headshot. But when the majority of your photos you look like you don’t enjoy life, why would I enjoy life with you?

But this just makes me feel like I’m swiping on still shots from the Forensic Files.

And just because you’re in disguise, I can still see you ‘not’ smiling’

Topless

I thought if a guy posts a shirtless photo - nope, swipe left. The vanity, the shallowness, the intent to attract women only to sleep with them. They must think we’re weak.

Then I thought maybe I’m being too hasty. Maybe look at everything else, and if there is an ounce of substance, then who knows where it could lead - if not, it can always be a just for fun swipe, amarite?

And then Jackpot - one man hitting the bullseye with every shot! We have shirtless photos - in 3 different hairstyles!

We have a gym selfie!

We had a bathroom selfie - with a bonus cigarette dangling in the mouth!

Let’s not forget the car selfie!

And if we thought it wasn’t too good to be true, did you catch the profile? Right out the gate - he talks about us each paying for our own beers. This was it:

So though while on this tiny farmhouse in upstate New York I located patterns and raised my bar on a checklist that i chose to automatically swipe left, I saw this “Jack” and thought: never have I saw a string of photos I would swipe left for. But I was human, and all I could think was: I deserve this.

*right swipe* 

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

At least he was honest

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

Just another profile

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

and as soon as possible, it ended

Steven said ASAP a lot, especially when dealing with getting back to me. After the movie night we still texted daily. I knew his birthday was coming up on the 23rd, and I had mentioned to him I’d love to take him out for his birthday. I mentioned it a few times.

He was always saying things like, “Aw thank you! that’s so sweet -” but then would never follow up with a commitment, of yes he was free for me to take him out. At one point, I felt I was being fairly clingy asking him constantly, if he was free or if he knew what he was doing. He wasn’t sure, but he’d get back to me ASAP.

The day before his birthday, he finally said his dad was coming up to stay with him but that he’d get back to me ASAP. At this point i had to call the lifeline - this was just too weird. Is he blowing me off?

I finally pulled the trigger and asked Loren what she thought. She said and admitted he was a bad communicator, that he actually had no plans and last minute asked Blaine and the guys if they wanted to hang out and have dinner. Ok that’s fine - maybe he just didn’t want to confirm with a girl he barely knew, but wanted to keep his options open. I love a guy who likes keeping his options open. 

Then I saw on his Snapchat he had a few friends over, and I overheard a girl's voice. Was it his friends’ girlfriend or a girl he was into? I became that girl who was uncertain and started going down the rabbit hole of a story I created: he didn’t confirm because that day was for girlfriend #7. The bummer part is, in most of my experience when your radar goes off (via photos of your guy standing a little too close to some girl or the sound of a girl’s voice) - it often means something’s up.

I tried to keep a distance and only texted “Happy Birthday” or “Hope you have a great day!” type messages. His birthday was on a Tuesday so I waited until Thursday before reaching out. I asked him what he did for his birthday and he said it was “chill”, and that he just “had dinner with his dad and played golf”. Why omit the truth that he had dinner w/ Blaine and friends? Was there more to hide? it just seemed odd with how he didn’t mention hanging out with his friends, knowing I’m friends with Blaine and can see his Snaps. Spidey senses went off.

The second time ASAP was in full effect was the camping trip we casually planned. Back in June when I was in Key West, I told him we should go RV camping sometime. Yes, just he and I: I had plans for us. He said he had a EDM musical festival at the end of July, so the first weekend in August he was free. Cool - as we get closer we can figure out if we want to do Friday to Sunday or just one night. 

Before his birthday I had asked him if he got the day off, he said he forgot and he would ask his boss. When I texted him that Friday morning after his birthday before his weekend at the Gorge, I asked him again if he had scheduled the day off. He said no, but told me we should still go so “reserve the date” - okay that was something. I got a bit concerned that the camping weekend was just a week away, and he would be at this music festival for the next 4 days. He said he couldn't request it off until he gets back to the office on Thursday, which was 24 hours prior to the trip.

What? He gets back on Monday, and has Tuesday and Wednesday off - he can’t ask then? He has to wait until he’s physically in? If he really wanted to go camping with me, or knew how to problem solve, he would just go in on the day after he returned, but maybe that’s just me.

“Oh dang it I forgot to ask. I’ll have to ask when I get back on Thursday.”

“Damn! Think they’d let you off so close to the ask? The Motorhome sales world is foreign to me”.

“Yeah it all depends on how much I’m selling really. If I’m selling a lot they don’t really care.”

Ok, so… do you think they’ll care? It’s Friday bro, you are going to wait six days before asking if you can have the following day off? Can you at least guess the chances of your boss approving? I grew tired of this game. 

“Snap - then good work on all your selling.”

“Ha, thank you!”

“Have fun at the Gorge this week. Drunk texts welcome”

I was being too nice and supportive and just kept thinking: you’re not his girlfriend, you don’t have the right to dig in to get him to commit to camping. I didn’t want to come off as a nag offering a solution for every sentence he made, especially over text. Most people are not that direct so it can be taken as abrasive. I tend to continue a conversation until there is a solution, getting creative and asking questions, but often times when a guy doesn’t want to do something and they don't know how to articulate, then they just end up getting frustrated that I keep hounding. Then I thought no, even if he was just a friend, you don’t blow off people or act non-committal, it’s just rude!

At this point I was half annoyed and half bummed that I was feeling ghosted. Saturday night while I was at a birthday party he snapped me “Miss ya”. The “ya” part wasn’t as romantic, but it made me feel a bit better about the anxiety of whether or not he was into me. It all went downhill from there.

Monday: he returned from the Gorge. I didn’t reach out

Tuesday: I texted him welcome back. I also asked how his dad was because he posted something cryptic about his dad’s well being on Instagram . I told Steven I was going to a concert tonight and asked if he wanted to come. He did the usual slew of fake interest, but no action.

“What concert?”

“Oh yeah! That’s cool!!”

“Haha, still famous!”

“Ok will do”

Then finally, 

“I’m feeling super chill today so most likely going to hang out here. But if I’m feeling a little cray I’ll tell ya”

Why? Just tell me you’re out, better yet, before all the “oh cool!” texts. For some reason I kept trying. Now it was just a vendetta to get this guy to say : I’m not into you. I did get him to say “most likely going to hang out here” - it was a carrot to keep me going, to win at him saying something finite. 

“ALSO I know we “may” hang out on Saturday [since he still hasn’t asked for the day off] but you wanna 2x that and do something fun tomorrow?”

“Like what??” 

False excitement, phantom enthusiasm. This reeled me in, I got joy from it, to only realize it was a stalling tactic.

“Discovery Park? Ever been?”

“Uh uh. Is it cool?” 

Was I speaking to a toddler?

“It’s very neat. It’d be a flat hike that leads to fun views and stuff”

“Ooh” 

What. What ooh?

“Anywho, I’m not as pressed about tomorrow as the weekend so you can make game day decisions. I’ll be doing some adult things around the house and relaxing.  (But if something comes up and I’m not free I’ll let you know) - I’m a communicator, it’s a thing.”

Do you see what I did there? I tried to not be overbearing about hanging out on Wednesday, while also letting him know I really needed to know about the weekend. Lastly - let him know what good communication looks like! I had a friend who’s birthday was on Saturday and I had to say I’m not sure if I could go because I ‘may’ be camping? I normally plan more than a month in advance, here I am, three days prior and have no idea. This should have been a clear indicator that Steven and I were not compatible.

“Oh for sure. I will let you know about both ASAP”

I should take a shot every time this kid says ASAP - to be fair, I don’t think he knows what it mean.s

Wednesday came, and I got sassy. It was the end of the workday and I hadn’t heard from Steven if he was up to go on a city hike.

Clearly we seemed like two people who didn’t really feel like hanging out with each other. I wanted to see him, go on a hike to see if I can get to know him better, or even go to his house and have an adult conversation about our communication styles, and how it wasn’t working for me. But being an afterthought to hanging out with him and his friends wasn’t appealing. Again, this would have been a great point to say something to the extent of, “Hey Steven, I wanted to spend time with just us, so I can have a conversation with you about us” - but the thought of it sounded more and more exhausting. I may have a high bar and assume if I ask a guy to hang out, he knows it’s me asking him to hang out together in a date-like fashion. I could be more explicit and say I want to hang out with you and only you because… but then at that point, it’s a compatibility issue for me and someone I need to use 2x more words than I’d like. For Pete’s sake can you just get it? I’ve had conversations with humans who did. There is a limit to explicit communication - and pass that limit is hand holding.

I had told some friends I wanted to ask him what he wanted out of this - figured we had slept together and it was a fair question. My friends reminded me that I myself wasn’t sure what I wanted, or if I even liked him (enough). So, did I need to rush into things? I said no, but the anxiety of not knowing what my plans are was enough for me to raise a flag. He didn’t have to say if he wanted to be together exclusively, but I did need him to communicate better as to whether or not he is committed to hanging out, if we planned to continue progressing.

Thursday came and he texted me about the RV. 

I didn’t want to press. Examples of what a guy would say if he actually wanted to spend time together, in no particular order:

“But we can still go tent camping if you’re down?”

“Sorry i couldn't get the day off. How about we do dinner?”

Something, anything - instead he just sounded whiny about his RV privileges. I didn’t care. I even asked a question that made his text conflicting: His second sentence said no employee can use RV’s, but said his privileges got taken because he broke a window? I was confused if the broken window mattered, or if he piled on the reasons to ensure we couldn’t hang out, the age old “I can’t go out because it’s late, I mean I don’t have any money, I mean I have plans.”. I didn’t even try to solve the problem, I just left it at that.Eight days past, and neither of us texted. I knew I would eventually have to get closure and call it off. Then he messaged:

He kept asking me questions to move the conversation, and I was trying to give short answers because I was annoyed this fake enthusiasm is coming up again. I had invited him to a BBQ at my house a while ago. He RSVP’d during the eight days we hadn’t spoken, but I assumed he wasn’t going to show up. Afterall, he couldn't’ commit to a birthday dinner, a hike at Discovery Park or even camping - why would he show up to a party with just under 100 people he didn’t know?

Then he texts me to see if he could bring a friend. I’ve been in scenarios where a guy brought another girl in daft fashion, but at least Steven did not. It was an older guy who dressed just like him and smelled of axe body spray. My friends thought they were a couple. Steven knew no one at the party and it was awkward.

I felt anxiety during the party because I wasn’t enjoying his presence, but also didn’t want to ignore him - and I was hosting. I felt I had to give him attention, but it reeked of obligation. Weaving through a crowded house, I didn’t know how to introduce him: this is Steven, we were sort of hanging out but now we're not - then he showed up to the party. Who wants a refill??

Why couldn’t I just say “this is Steven?” Because all of my friends knew each other through the parties I hosted, so if anyone is new into the picture, it's very apparent and the details get shared of the origin story - it’s a classic big party ice breaker. This is even more apparent since I haven’t had a boyfriend in eight years, all eyes on deck when an unknown man walks through the door.

A couple hours later, he found me to say goodbye and I apologized for not being around. He said he got it because I was hosting, and he left. Weight was lifted off my chest, and I could finally start to enjoy the party.

Gareth asked me if I thought I was dating down - I always thought due to my attraction to Steven I was dating up, but I didn't know anymore. So Gareth told me to be direct - that neither of us wanted to continue seeing each other. So I texted Steven, in my own writing style, to ensure there were no hard feelings. I didn't hate the guy - I’d be happy to hug him at a party in the future with a smile - but I was done talking to him one on one.

Another eight days went by and I decided to call it off, or give it closure. My first draft was to tell Steven that our style of communication wasn’t working for me but I am open if he thinks I’m wrong for any reason. My therapist told me I should be honest with myself: it wasn’t working, for either of us, period. Gareth, my therapist, said it was clear neither of us wanted to continue spending time together, so call it what it was.

Gareth had also asked me during this time, what it was about Steven I liked, and I had to think about it. I knew a good foundation was the story: I noticed Blaine and Loren’s friend five years ago, I was infatuated, and I got to have him, even if for a little while. His messages always seemed happy, positive and enthusiastic, to only find out he was like that for all things, and had a density I hadn’t realized. He was also Blaine's best friend, and I respected Blaine: Blaine was a solid guy and his wife Loren, wouldn’t tolerate anyone not worth my time. 

I was confused - I gave him a friendly out! I was done! How should I have responded?

If I said no, I’d feel like a dick.

If I said yes, it would appear I was playing games, fishing for him to want to talk to me.

My honest answer would have been, “No not really, but if you need to then I’d be happy to” - but I still didn’t know him enough for that to not come off as hurtful. This is a foreshadow by the way.

So I settled on “Sure” - with a shrug and a circular head motion behind the scenes.

Even Gareth laughed when I told him Steven’s response and didn’t know how to respond to that. Was Steven just trying to be nice? Or did he actually want to talk.

I never heard from Steven... well, for six months.

I found out months and months later from Loren that Steven thought I was mad at him. I laughed and said I purposely put emoji’s in my message and said I’d smile and wave. Can you imagine if I actually wrote “Not really, but if you want to I can” - he would have pissed himself. 

She said he wasn’t used to women who were direct and upfront. Well, I don’t know what to tell you - I was trying hard not to be as direct because I didn’t want to stress the delicate petals of this sensitive flower with my direct sunlight, but even with sunglasses on a smile, the guy thought I was mad. 

Six months after his last message, he sent me a happy birthday text, and I said thank you.  It grew more and more apparent we had different lifestyles, his social media streaming him taking videos of young women in short dresses touching each other at night clubs. I never engaged.

A month later he sent me another message, responding to a post of me cooking.

Again, I was polite and said yes with a smile. I imagine these sporadic messages will come though, but it’ll be treated now as an acquaintance saying hi.

Goodbye Steve

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

Well at least it was an honest red flag

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

family movie night

I couldn’t tell if Steven couldn’t pick up on my subtle invites, or if he just wasn’t interested. He appeared more and more daft, so I was thinking the former.

Yeah bitch, I was. Was I supposed to type out “I want you to come over”? Where’s the fun in that? Anyway I digress.

My sister was hosting a summer movie night at her place, with her husband and some friends. Karen and Jeff are the two people I’m closest to, but Steven didn’t have to know that he was meeting my highest bar. I just thought it would be a real good reading to know how he would interact. I sent him a text and asked, and to true form, he never said he was in or out - just that it seemed like a cool idea. I remembered Loren saying he went for girls who were more aggressive, so I pretty much said he was coming.

Steven was still being playful in his text communication style, which I appreciated. In normal circumstances it would appear we were both flirting and into each other, but I couldn’t tell with this man.

I invited him to the event to show him I wanted him there, and even told him to RSVP for headcount, and still he hadn’t replied. I said he should, I wanted Karen to see some effort from this new guy I’ve been talking to. Spoiler Alert: He never RSvP’d.

I knew his work could run long, so I figured I’d check in or he’d give me updates. But it’s Steven, did I really expect him to be good about communicating? He said he’d likely be off at 5:00 PM, so I added the buffer and said I’d check in at 5:30 PM. My expectations were too high that he’d be proactive on communication thereafter. 

I still remained positive, and thoughtful. Time passes.... more time passes, and rather than being upset, I was playful again.

Just got home. I checked in 3 hours and 42 minutes after he said he’d be off. Each time, it was me that checking in. Granted maybe he was slammed selling motor homes, but also - he just got home. How about a quick “Hey leaving work now-” text or a call? I had to pause: we are not dating, he is not my boyfriend: he doesn’t owe me common decency, that’d be asking too much. I was turned off.

Turned off, and anxious for his arrival - what the hell was wrong with me? He showed up around 9:30 PM as most of the guests were leaving, and all that were left were Karen and Jeff, and our friend Brian. The guys went outside and my sister and I chatted for a bit. When we walked out, all three guys were crammed on a bench, assuming thinking it would be funny how close they were sitting. Then we started Kindergarten Cop.

However, I laid out a blanked and laid down in front of the projector, and Steven remained on the bench. Was he really not going to lay next to me? So there was the married couple sitting next to each other in camping chairs, and Steven sitting next to Brian on the bench, and me on the blanket by myself. I was so confused. 

Halfway through the movie, Steven got up and laid next to me, sharing the blanket. FINALLY YOU BOOB! Not super cuddly, just laying near each other.

When the movie wrapped up, we quickly headed out - Steven had asked if I wanted a ride home. He was still fairly thoughtful on that front. When we got to my house I asked him if he wanted to come up only to be turned down with, “I have an early morning.”

If I learned anything form the late early 2000′s, it meant he just wasn’t that into me.

I remember Karen telling me that Jeff would say the same, that he had an early morning. She would be frustrated in the earlier portion of their dating since he took his time. They’ve been together for over six years.

I went upstairs and then got a text from Steven.

Well maybe he’s still not into me, just polite. I was still confused about Steven: sometimes I feel liked him, but I couldn’t figure out why or if it was enough.

-July 19, 2019

Date #8 w/ RV Steve  Suitors in 2019 YTD: 3 Dates in 2019 YTD: 11 

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

who drives without a shirt on?!

This guy

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

was it funny to you?

Steven and I continued to talk daily. I was heading out of town for summer camp the upcoming weekend, and the both of us continued to have weekend long engagements. So I wanted to see him before the circus.

This would be the first time we hung out since he kissed me; I was curious how and if it would change our demeanor. I asked him if he liked comedy and stand-up. He said he liked comedy, but doesn’t know specific comedians - then he alluded he had done stand-up. Steven sent me a YouTube video where he did a monologue for about 30 minutes, telling the viewers this was his attempt to be the funniest man in the world. I got through a few minutes and was very confused about what I was watching. Was this supposed to be ironic?

It’s true, I couldn’t lie - but it was pretty horrific. I thought to myself: could I date this guy? It’s one thing to not be funny, but to think you are? So I suggested going to the Comedy Underground, where we could watch open mic night for $6. He had thought I meant for us to perform, not to watch, which was what brought up his attempt at stand-up.

I was at Mbar in South Lake Union, a hip new rooftop bar that you needed to be escorted to, only via reservations. My work had a happy hour and when Steven arrived, I met him downstairs. We were walking away to go to the show when he looked at me, “well is the bar cool?”

“Yeah, great view - “

“Should we just stay here?”

Sure - so we turned around and went right back up the elevators and got seated at a different table. I asked him why he didn’t continue his comedy career and he said, “no one thought I was funny.” and then I let out a giant cackle. One of the few times Steven made me laugh, and it wasn’t because he was funny.

We had some food and drinks and continued light conversations. We weren’t going to the comedy show by this hour, so instead we went back to my house and did the age old thing to spend more time finding what to watch on Netflix than watching. We settled on Velvet Buzzsaw.

Not your typical Netflix & Chill movie. We were both thoroughly confused throughout most of the movie, so I guess that was one way we bonded. At one point, I could hear Steven snoring, I was leaning onto his shoulder. He snorted and woke himself up and said, “was that me?”

I laughed.

“I don’t know why I said that,  obviously it was me,” and he laughed too. 

The movie ended and we cuddled throughout the credits before moving to the “chill” portion of the show. Six dates for our first kiss, seven dates before we slept together. He kept his socks on, and yeah, that bothered me. What monster keeps their socks on during sex?! Unless you’re married I hear.

“You kept your socks on?!” I confronted.

“Yeah?”  

He didn’t seem to understand my horror.

We went upstairs and went to bed. The next morning we woke up, and did it again. It’s a great way in my opinion to start your day; it’s my box of Wheaties. Well, he had my box of Wheaties. Maybe I’ll name her Wheaty.

I threw my robe on and walked him out. He had Tuesdays and Wednesdays off so wasn’t in a rush, but I had to get on with my day. He even offered to help linger for a bit and help me with morning chores. Nah, I wanted some alone time before work.

I kissed Steven goodbye and he was on his way. Did this change how I felt? Do I like him more or less? I didn’t know. I still couldn’t figure out why I liked him and wanted to see this through. I looked forward to his messages, but in person, there wasn’t anything that was especially drawing or exciting. I was attracted to him, but still, he rarely smiled. 

At least we broke the seal, and now there is ‘one’ more thing to look forward to when we hang out.

-July 8, 2019

Date #7 w/ RV Steve Suitors in 2019 YTD: 4 Dates in 2019 YTD: 11

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

Another one

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

feed me

That’s the name of a group: feed me. Steven had asked me if I wanted to go to a show at the Showbox, and said, “Don’t worry, Laura really isn’t into EDM either.” I remember Laura, I met her through Loren. They were all friends, couples and couples, so I thought it would be nice to see a familiar face. Let’s do it.

Steven showed up to my house then we took a Lyft to meet his friends at the Hard Rock Cafe on the rooftop. I felt like I was on an MTV show. Immediately the women got together and the guys, there were about four couples. Laura ran up to me and gave me a big hug, and told Steven how amazing I was, that he was lucky to be in my presence - now that’s a sell. She turned to me and said she was thrilled to hear we were hanging out.

It was nice hanging out with Steven and his group of friends. Seeing him in his comfort zone. It was now time to go to a sold out show where I heard Steven didn’t have tickets. He had $80 cash and negotiated with a scalper. Rats - i was hoping we could skip it.

We got in and it was essentially a rave. All the couples split off more or less and got drinks. I was dancing in front of Steven while he had his hands on my was it. He put his arm over my chest from the back in an embrace that felt comfortable. The music still wasn’t my type, but it felt like what Havana nights could have been if I wasn’t high, or overwhelmingly hot. 

We were there for roughly an hour before he asked me if I wanted to head out. We said goodbye to his friends who were drenched in sweat, even Steven pointed it out. Greg and Laura had left before us. We called a Lyft back to my house and just sat on the couch quietly, I leaned on him, hoping to give him the set up, the invitation. It’s our sixth date.

He looked at me, leaned in, and it happened. Steven finally kissed me. We rolled around on the couch for a bit before he fell asleep in my arms. I laid there for a moment before waking him up asking if he wanted to move upstairs.

I went into my room and he followed me slowly, asking, “is it okay if I sleep in your bed?’

He is the second guy that politely asked that, reminded me of Jensen.

I chuckled and said yes - after what we did downstairs, I’m not going to make you sleep in the guest room. We went right to bed.

The next morning I woke up and got ready for work, and Steven made my bed before heading out. I kissed him goodbye, a quick peck like it was natural. Now that Steven finally kissed me, what next?

-July 3, 2019

Date #6 w/ RV Steve Suitors in 2019 YTD: 4 Dates in 2019 YTD: 10

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

boy wonder

For my 30th birthday, I threw a big party with a cocktail attire theme, and a theme of a social experiment. Everyone I invited needed to dress in black and red cocktail attire and they all had to bring someone whom I’ve never met, and they are to wear white and blue. The visual and psychology of interaction was fascinating. I could tell who the people were I didn’t know by the sea of white and blue, and one of them was Eric.

What did I just read - is this a real life secret admirer? I liked Eric’s style of writing: it was witty, but reserved and nerdy. I had no idea what was going on. I told my friend Ashley, who tilted her head, and said “oh my god! Bobbie said she had a friend who thought you were really cute, that he clicked on your photo and wanted to meet you - she invited him as a white and blue!” The funny part of that story was I had never met Bobby, but she thought we were close enough, or friends even, to wear black and red. It amused me.

I looked up Eric on Facebook - I didn’t remember him, but he was in the photos from the party. He was cute, I could be into it.

Eric picked me up and wore slacks and a nice shirt. He looked like a squirrelly Ryan Gosling, but cute. He would say things like “just ducky” and took me to a restaurant that served people who said “just ducky”. Conversation was very mild, but he was just a little quirky. We needed to do a pit stop after dinner, which was swinging by a house that was foreclosed so he could go and take photos. That was his job, to go take photos of houses that  the bank was shutting down. He eve had access to all the items inside, including a pair of women’s heels he took to give me for my birthday. They were new. But I still agree with what you’e thinking. 

When he took me home, it was the third time I’ve ever made the move for a first kiss, and Eric was taken aback as if someone just shot him, then became very hungry and eager. It turned me off quite a bit. He walked me to my door and kissed me goodnight. We messaged maybe once after, and he hadn’t asked me out again. I thought it funny since he seemed to like me.

About a month later, I got a package at the door. A dozen roses. “Oh is that from boy wonder?” my roommate asked. Yes, yes it was.

I used to have a copy of the card, but since then have misplaced it. It was Eric, and he wrote a long note about how much of a wonderful person I was, and how he was lucky to have met me and wished he hadn’t blown it. What?! Did he blow it? I mean probably, but he never asked me out again or tried to keep it going. In fact, he has a lot in common with Skylar. It was a very sweet note though.

It was a month later. Roses also weren’t cheap. Eric was a very nice guy but likely not a match.

But it didn’t end there.

Three months later... The first time he messaged me he said “hey buddy,” and now “hey kid.” I said he was quirky. I don’t believe I responded to this message.

Then the following year, on my actual birthday.

I couldn’t tell if this was self-deprecating or a confident pick up line or just a resentful, bitter guy - it may have been the profanity in that tone that threw me off, but I didn’t reply. It was a year later and again, the tone was a bit not my favorite.

Then almost FOUR years later....

So yeah, to answer my first question - yeah, I think I had my very first secret admirer.... to put it nicely. 

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

i have a thing for ferry boats

I thought it would be fun to grab dinner on Baimbridge Island. I love ferry boats because my first few experiences was taking them in the 6th grade to Orcas Island for a week-long camp at Camp Orkila. In my high school years, I was a counselor and took that same bus ride from Bellevue to Anacortes, then on the ferries again. The deck swarmed with hundreds of 12 year-olds. I grew fond of the stale nachos in the galley. It’s right up there with skating rinks.

The Captain had an automatic warm place in my heart because of this.

I met Steven at the terminal and we hugged. No judgement on his attire this go around. We walked on and found a booth where he sat facing the island, and I faced toward the city. “Can’t you see better from here?” as he motioned for me to sit next to him. Was this how I missed flirting yet again?

I smiled, and got up and sat next to him. We docked and started walking up the street toward the restaurant. My sister gave me a recommendation to a place called Hitchcock. The menu and ambiance seemed great.

Steven and I sat down and both ordered a cocktail. We laughed because on our very first date, we talked about how we both wanted to cut down on our drinking, yet we had a drink every time we hung out. We were able to keep a conversation going, with no uncomfortable pauses. There were no yellow flags.  He even picked up the check this time, even after I reached for my wallet.

We checked the ferry time and realized we missed the one coming home and would have had to wait an additional hour, so we made our way to a brewery that had games to play. We ordered a beer and Steven pulled out Jenga. Again, I sat across from him and he said, “wouldn’t it be easier if you sat by me?” I couldn’t tell who was the passive aggressive one, but I smiled again and complied.

After about an hour, I paid for our beers and we made our way toward the terminal. I found myself standing closer to him, maybe because it was cold. But I liked being near him. He hadn’t touched me at all, arm around he shoulder or anything. We could have easily been buddies, or two awkward teens. My attempt of a move was fairly bleak.

We sat at a similar booth on the ferry, this time I sat next to him. Steven put his arm on the backside of the booth behind me, but not touching me. I leaned my head back and rested on his arm. That was my attempt to touch him - however I couldn’t have looked more awkward. Was I trying to arch my back, just so the top of my head could touch his arm? I sat up straight after about 45 seconds.

The ferry docked and we walked to the street and called our respective Lyfts. His Lyft arrived first, and he sort of lingered. Is this going to be it? Date #5, will Steven finally kiss me? He paused, and hesitated going to his car, and then he leaned forward and hugged me. What bullshit was this?! I was bummed.

Then my Lyft came and I climbed in the back seat. I’ve only made the first move on a guy three times, twice with the same guy.

I made the first move on Ben, when we were friends while he was platonic ally spending the night at my apartment... in my bed. It was that feeling where I couldn't take it anymore and I had to kiss him. He paused and questioned if it was a good idea, and I said I couldn't be friends with him because my feelings were too strong. He agreed he wouldn't like the idea of me dating someone either, so we stepped into a relationship. This incident changed to then two years later him telling me I cornered him and gave him no choice, saying he never really saw me more than a friend. TWO YEARS.

I went out with a guy who had a mild obsession. A friend of a friend invited Eric to my birthday and he gave me a gift. He found me on Facebook and was quite charming, and asked me out to dinner where he picked me up and paid and kept feeding me compliments, which aligned with what my friend of a friend said. He told me he lost his virginity at 29, and appeared shy, and intimidated. There was something endearing, and I knew he wouldn’t make a first move so I kissed him. He went from being shocked to over-eager and I was immediately turned off. More on Eric later.

Ben again, after we had broken up when we were in that in-between stage. We had dinner after I had moved out and he walked me back to my apartment. I leaned in and he pulled away, “I can’t.” It crushed me, even though weeks later he threw rocks at my window professing his love, but didn’t want to be together. I think this is a definition of a “Mind-fuck”

I never had the best experiences making the first physical move. I had no problem asking a guy out, but when it comes to that first kiss…. Not only do I not make that initiation, sometimes I don’t even present an invitation. I can be daft and don’t give a guy a proper runway. Jensen said this to me about the first night we spent together.

I texted Steven that later night because I wasn’t done talking to him.

“Just grab me” - was that subtle enough? He reciprocated enthusiasm and initiation of conversation the same, and we continued to talk.

-June 24, 2019

Date #5 w/ RV Steve Suitors in 2019 YTD: 4 Dates in 2019 YTD: 9

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

Through the pandemic, still getting guys to fall for me