horticutioner-blog

[horticutioner-blog]

I gifted my neighbor this petit lil' succulent that outgrew his home. Can't believe she trusted me to replant it. Little J named him 'Helicopter'.i hope he enjoys his new yellow pot and doesn't die a painful plant death because I touched it. #thehorticutioner #horticutioner

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So every year I try to get my Tomato plants in on time and every year I'm late. Meaning I'm still trying to coax green tomatoes to ripen in late October. I bought these plants 2 weeks ago expecting to plant them that day. I keep forgetting them, bringing them close to death and then reviving them back to life with some water ever 2 days or so. It's torture really. Pure torture for them. Notice the tomato variety. Early Girl. The irony is not lost #thehorticutioner. #iloveplantsliketommyboylovesnaughtypets #thisisntmarthsstewartshouse

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Seriously, how do I inadvertently kill every plant that comes in to this house, but I buy a $5 bag of onions, and in a week they're growing in the dark corner of my kitchen with no help. WTF. Seriously. #thehorticutioner #horticutioner

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This clip is the inspiration for The Horticutioner.

I love plants and gardening. I love them so much. But I kill them. The Hubs and Kid 1 and Kid 2 all beg me to not buy anymore plants. They beg me to Google information before I plant something. But I don’t. I feel my terrible instinct is good enough. But it’s not. The Hubs finally deemed me The Horticutioner. Someone who flagrantly kills horticulture without remorse. He said I love plants so much I destroy them, much like Tommy Boy loves his naughty pet in this movie. He is so right. This is me, and this is the inspiration for this blog. In the same way Dexter needed his blood slides to document his kills. I need this blog to document mine. 

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To the left, The Horticutioner's best try at the Hosta. The right? What that Hosta should look like right now. What happened? We had #hardlove. This was my #rideordie Hosta. In the end, like Dexter, I guess I couldn't help myself. Seriously tho how do you f*ck up a Hosta? #horticutioner #thehorticutioner #hostalove #WeLoveNaughtyPlantsLikeTommyBoyLovesNaughtyPets #ThisIsntHumansOfNewYorkForPlants #ThisIsntMarthaStewartsHouse

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This is a cutting from my friends Mad and Blue Jay. This is the only kind of plant that seems to grow in the Dexter-level plant kill room that I call my house. I shall name her Lindy, cuz that green stripe reminds me of my bestie's mom Lindy's hair in the 90's. An awesome white stripe right in the front. This could go any way, people. #WeLoveNaughtyPlantsLikeTommyBoyLovesNaughtyPets #ThisIsntHumansOfNewYorkForPlants #ThisIsntMarthaStewartsHouse #horticutioner #thehorticutioner

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This is Chad. Chad is a cactus that was ultimately a success story. A story of survival for 5 years. But I wanted to love him so much. So much that I replanted him and watered him and let him soak. And soak he did, until his bottom half rotted. So I ripped him off and now I put him in water to see if he can grow roots. Is this the right thing to do? Hell probably no. Did I google this to see if this is how you root a cactus. Nahhhhhh. This is the real sh*t the #horticutioner does. Kills them slowly, with a F*ck you Kanye type attitude. #ThisIsntMarthaStewartsHouse. #ThisIsntHumansOfNewYorkForPlants #WeLoveNaughtyPlantsLikeTommyBoyLovesNaughtyPets #TheHorticutioner