hoshiissue

[hoshiissue]

hi it's been a while

It always comes and goes in waves.

Whenever I think we're doing fine,

Something happens.

I'm tired, of this constant cycle of faint hope and overwhelming despair

I'm tired of being tied up by the past, one that I already decided to let go of

Tired of being swayed by every change

September 2023

[hoshiissue]

Would you forget it eventually

[hoshiissue]

if I go now, would you be able to live more freely

[hoshiissue]

Was it all pointless

[hoshiissue]

Hey "___" I wonder if you would still follow me to death. I wonder if you really do want to die. Was I wrong this whole time?

[hoshiissue]

a place to throw all my thoughts randomly when I feel like doing something stupid

[hoshiissue]

I ended up coming back here huh

[hoshiissue]

I thought I would be fine by now. I thought it would get better. Why does it just get worse. Why I still want to die. I hate myself so much more than before. I hate myself so much, being here is just a way to torment myself. Everyday I still wish my heart would stop beating.

[hoshiissue]

[hoshiissue]

[hoshiissue]

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[hoshiissue]

Your dreams used to shine so brightly and that scares me.

Dear younger self,

Would you forgive me?

Would you forgive this selfish and useless person who took away all your beautiful dreams? or would you hate them the same way I do now?

Would you forgive your older self who couldn't live properly? Would you forgive this coward person who is still unable to take a step forward?

Would I be forgiven?

Dear younger self, I feel like giving up but would I be forgiven if I keep trying?

[hoshiissue]

[hoshiissue]

And after a while you just stop. You stop watering your plants. You stop watching netflix. You stop reading. You stop replying to your friends as fast as you used to. You stop buying yourself nice things. You stop putting an effort into how you look. You stop taking care of yourself like you used to. You stop sleeping. You stop eating healthy foods. You stop petting your dog. You stop socializing.

You stop with everything. You find yourself sitting in your room for hours on end, without doing a single thing. Days feel like years. And you think you can’t do it for much longer.

[hoshiissue]

my biggest fear is becoming like my mother