hostile-southern

[hostile-southern]

Let’s Play

My relationship with spending money on the potentially expensive game I play is, in a word, complicated. I was fully happy, maybe even proud, because I pulled a character and slapped a decent weapon on her. Then, I watched some videos, and I dropped hundreds. Saying I regret it, though, would be a lie. I did use a card I hadn't been meaning to use, and I went a little overboard. My bad. I wouldn't say I'm uncomfortable or ashamed of my debt.

There are characters and weapons I could have done without, in hindsight, but meh. Truthfully, I've been good about knowing what I want. Yeah, it's excessive, but being on benefits in the state I'm in means I have to "use it or lose it" in terms of those benefits. Legally, I'm not allowed to save. And, at the moment, I'm not interested in adding more fragrances to my collection, so...

It's not like I'm toxic about making in-game purchases. I don't think I've ever put anyone down for not having something, and in general, my advice to anyone is that they don't need to spend money. In my view, almost every able-bodied person has an advantage, so why would I give anyone shit, because I can do more damage on paper? That'd make no sense!

Now, I'll absolutely judge them for their poor builds, which they could improve for free with a little RNG and dedication, but I keep that shit to myself, unless I'm asked, because at its core, this is a single-player game. I don't care how far they can get in the "end game content." Why would I? Yeah, we all have our own opinions about characters and whatnot, and many of us have changed our minds. But, I'm never coming from a place of "Oh, I'm so much better than you!" I'm smart enough to know I'm not.

Add: But, at the end of they day, who cares? I mean, I'm very careful about what I say; truth be told, I hesitate to even ask how much anyone has spent on the game, because I don't consider it my business. So, if anyone has a problem with my spending, then that's not really on me, and I'm not responsible for their choices, either. We're all grown, I think.

Twitter is, uh, getting really wild, huh? I'm trying to mind my own business there, too, but it's getting difficult... Um, just as a small thing, but seeing someone admit they're no longer going to put forth effort, because they're not getting enough engagement is such a sad statement. Anyway... I know there are bigger issues.

[hostile-southern]

I Digress

Sometimes, I feel some type of way about how things are. I'll think I know what went wrong, but I don't. I probably never will, and maybe that's okay. This probably seems out-of-nowhere, but it's not. I've been thinking about it for days--maybe weeks. It doesn't matter. I don't blame anyone. We're all gonna do what we wanna do, so that's that. I'll still chime in from time to time, because I wanna; otherwise, it's time for me to move on.

I also feel that video games are slipping away from me. Keeping up with everything is difficult on me, and I don't have the support system to stay motivated sometimes. But, I'd prefer to cling, and I know I must find a way to do it for myself, because I don't expect anyone to do it for me. Realistically, I'm never going to interact with new friends how I'd like to. Voice chat, in particular, is no longer an option. I'm not entirely sad about it, but I'd still prefer to fight.

I want to do it for me... I want to make my own decisions. I want to make my own choices, as I take responsibility for my life. I have this bottle of fragrance from 2012, I think, and it's started to go bad. Still, I hesitate to do anything about it. I'll keep the bottle, as it wastes away, and I'll remember the times I enjoyed wearing it... I'm not sure if I'm saying anything anymore, but anyway...

[hostile-southern]

Heights

Ah, hmm... Another pleasant moment. All right. My feelings haven't really changed. I do consider, however, that perhaps my friend is facing battles I don't know about, and to me, that does make things make more sense. I wish I knew more, and I wish I could help. I suppose it can't be helped. I'll just continue to be generous, because that's what I want to do.

I continue to demonstrate that if I don't spend my money on one of the games I play, it gets spent on fragrances. I don't really like money. I mean, I'd like to have more of it, sure, but in my experience, it complicates everything. Spending money fuels jealousy and creates misleading perceptions, even when you don't actually have the money you're spending. From my perspective, I only spend to keep up and because I want to; it's not to show off...

Some people are obsessed with maintaining that "free-to-play" status, and if that's what they wanna do, I support them. I don't like it when they act as if everyone should live by that ideology, though. Like, you're not wrong; it is quite expensive and ultimately wasteful. But, if someone is comfortable with parting with money for comfort or small gains, then what's it to you? Let others do whatever the hell they wanna, especially with their own damn money.

Besides, who do you think pays for the maintenance of the game and new content? It's not like we're in direct competition, anyway... So, why should anyone care? There have been a few instances where something that should have been part of a base kit seems to be locked behind a paywall, but those cases aren't super common. I don't know. I've slowed down, because of the lack of diversity, but I'll still spend when I want to. And, that's my business.

I'm not always the best person I can be. But, I try to be decent, kind, and generous; and I try to be fair. Even with the difficult circumstances of my life, I try. I'm not sure if that means anything to anyone, and honestly, I don't know that I care if it does. I am the way I am, because I want to be. I'll gladly take responsibility for my life--the good and the bad.

I've felt kinda weird lately: almost as if I'm watching my life rather than experiencing it. I guess it's a side effect of birthday depression, so I just wanted to remind myself... I'm trying my best to live a life I can be proud of. This post is all over the place, but it's necessary. My thoughts lately are all over the place, so this is how I gotta deal with it. Maybe chaos calms chaos...

[hostile-southern]

Such Life

I was going to write something the other day, but then, something pleasant happened. Then, last night, I was turned off again, and between it all, there was silence after being left on read. Now, I'm left on read again. And, I'm just wondering... Will the next time be pleasant, or will it turn me off? Seemingly, either way, I'll feel I must have said the wrong thing or done too much. I don't mean to put the responsibility of my emotions on anyone, but if I constantly feel this way, is that really friendship?

I feel like... We go through the motions, and maybe I deserve some of the blame. But, the motions aren't for me. I'm not the one who needs to pretends he has friends. That may seem harsh, but it's true. I wish I had more to give, but I don't.

Add: I'm getting older; my parents are getting older, too. I'm not as well-off as I think people think I am. Every day is about survival, but it's usually very mundane. I can't complain. I'm lonely. I'm sure there'll be moments of happiness, but I'm just as sure there'll be more moments discontent and emptiness. My imagination runs wild, but it's all I have. I will try to do more, be more.

Here's another loose thought: I don't entirely mind competition. I think any reason we have to do better than we did yesterday can be a good thing, but I don't like comparing myself to others. It's not fair to me. It's not fair when I do it to myself, and it's especially unfair when others force it upon me. Like, what are you doing? My life is hard.

I sometimes make it seem better than it is, but make no mistake: There is very little for you to envy about my life. My support system is mostly wonderful, and I have my blessings. I'm also very aware my life could be much worse. However, that doesn't change the fact that it's otherwise a nightmare. Whether anyone sees that or not matters very little to me... Actually, maybe I'd rather people not see how much I struggle, so maybe... Consider that.

[hostile-southern]

Friendly Fire

Uh, I don't know where I am with the group of friends I once felt the closest to. We've all been struggling with the lack of diversity in one of the games we used to play together.

One of them has given up on the game, which I respect, but the other two haven’t been consistent. In light of new info and over time, I have also adjusted my views, but one of my friends in particular... I don't know; he just doesn't seem sincere--as if he only wants to complain about it when he wants to or just to seem like he's outraged.

For example, the demo of a character he's been excited for dropped, so I shared it to the group, thinking he'd appreciate it. He just complained about her skin tone. Like, okay. That's a fair criticism, but... We've all said that before. You're the one who's been excited for her... Normally, I'd be a bit more forgiving, but he said something that rubbed me the wrong way the other day.

He posted a bi visibility thing the other day, and he was excited that someone from the industry he's in shared his post. He shared their profile, and first of all, he misgendered them. They were a non-binary person, and my friend kept referring to them as male. I kinda get it when people slip up, from time to time, but... It was right there in the bio of the profile my friend sent us. To me, that's disrespectful.

Not only that, but my friend seemed annoyed that he referred to the person as bi, and they corrected him, telling him they're pansexual. Now, I don't think it was a heated exchange, and it's possible my friend was joking. But, he acted pressed and said to us, "They're the same thing!" Meh. I could see where he was coming from, so I gently explained the difference to him. He never responded.

So, sending that demo of a character he's been excited for was kinda my way of trying to make peace with him, and to have him respond negatively makes me roll my eyes. Like, okay, we all know you're gonna pull for and build her anyway, and who knows what else you'll do this patch. I don't really care. They don't play with me anyway, and they only wanna talk when they feel like it. I'm so over it. I mean, I still think of us as friends, but to be honest, it's a very generous definition at this point. I'm not even that sad about it.

It's not that I expect my friends to be perfect, and everyone is entitled to feel however they feel about whatever. But, I'm not a fan of phony, self-obsessed people, and that's how it comes off--to me. I don't get it. Do you want diversity, or does that only apply to one group of people and one attribute? Like, yeah, I get that you're a cis gay male from a small town, but you've had plenty of time to grow. You should know better, or maybe it's just a miscommunication?

[hostile-southern]

Many Moods

I love my mom, but the way she weaponizes her emotions is toxic. I can't ever be in a bad mood around her. Like, hello, I've physical difficulties and mental health issues; it's gonna happen. I try not to take it out on her or anyone else, so I tend to shut down and keep to myself. My mom doesn't like that, so she says stupid things in silly voices to try to get me to laugh like I'm a fucking child. I know that she cares and wants me to be happy, but I'm allowed to feel down.

She also likes to rant about random things--family, people on Facebook, or sometimes shit that's not even real like a TV show or something. If I don't listen to her and give her advice/validation, she says I'm mistreating her. Admittedly, I have been short with her before, and I always apologize. Last night (or this morning), she sent me this really long text about how she doesn't deserve to be treated the way I treat her, etc. All because I snapped at her, because I didn't hear her knock, and she was acting like an obnoxious clown. 

It was exhausting, but I responded, apologized, and told her exactly what's been bothering me--not her. I was very careful of what I said, because I need her to do her job, which she gets paid to do... I lost sleep over all of what she sent me, and guess what? No response, and when she came out here to make me food, she barely spoke to me. Granted, I barely have a voice when I first wake up, but I said "hello." She said nothing. Okay. 

My mom is entitled to her own moods and feelings, but she doesn't get to play the victim and act like she only wants to help when she acts like a brat. I'm so over it... I would like to say something, but like I said, I need her to do her job. It's an aggravating situation.

Add: So, I let this sit in my drafts for a few days, because I wanted to wait for my mood to get better, and I don't think anything I wrote was out-of-line. I'm a pretty fair person; I should trust myself more. I guess I just know how delusional I can get, so I prefer to be sure what I'm saying is accurate. Words matter, even if the audience is small. 

Uh, so my debt is real. Granted, most of it is through a loan I'm paying off with fixed, manageable installments, and the rest is almost entirely on 0% APR cards. But, I need to pay those off before they start accruing interest... I am trying to be good on the potentially expensive game I play, but I have moments of weakness. Honestly, I don't regret most of my purchases, and as I've discovered before, it I don't waste the money there, it gets wasted elsewhere. 

So, meh, but I'm trying this new rule, where I don't buy anything "extra" until the character is rerun. We'll see how that goes... Sometimes, I love the character, and I just wanna upgrade them. But, it is true that there are many characters I've upgraded that I no longer use as much... I don't know; I trust myself. I haven't always made the smartest purchases, but so far, I'm doing better. This next character might be a good test for me.

[hostile-southern]

It’s a Complicated Life

My 32d birthday is soon. I'm not sure where I thought I might be, but according to my most recent check up with my primary care physician, I'm doing better than I thought I was--on paper. Clearly, to me, my abilities are fading, though they have been for decades. Just, lately, I've noticed I'm losing sensation in my hands, and as a gamer, I don't like that at all. Actually, that's probably why I haven't started the new adventure on the one game I play; I don't think I'd be able to finish it. I think I’d rather not start it.

Mentally, I'm not sure I'm faring well. I'm lonely, for one thing, but to be honest, I kinda always figured this is how I'd spend the last years of my life. Like I said, I'm fine--on paper. But, learning such was not really a source of relief for me... I love life, so I'm not saying I wanna die. I'm just tired, and my wellness comes as a straight-faced, expressionless surprise to me.

How much more must I endure? I'm willing to fight, and maybe that's it. Maybe I crave drama or something, as if it would have validated how I've been feeling. I don't know. It's entirely possible I'm just bored, and I seek amusement.

[hostile-southern]

Reflection

Never thought anything good could come from how I was feeling, but I decided to reach out to one of my friends. I clearly wanted to be in contact, so it felt silly to keep myself from doing so. I'm still not confident in my health. I feel off, but all I can do is try to get checked out. While I wait to make sure everything is okay, I might as well do my best to enjoy life.

As I predicted, there are already cracks in my friend's stance on the game we play, but it doesn't annoy me, as I thought it would. Why should it? He has a right to feel however he wants to feel, and how he feels is allowed to change. If no one was ever allowed to change, there would never be any progress.

Also, maybe it's slightly unreasonable to demand diversity from an Eastern developer. Representation matters, and it's important. There's nothing wrong with wanting or asking for it, but honestly, the reason why there's a lack of diversity in Eastern content, I think, is because of Western influences & how we didn't expect diversity in our own content not that long ago.

So, is it really fair for us to expect diversity in content from the East? When it's a problem we basically caused? I don't know... At any rate, again, I don't think it's wrong to want or ask for representation, but perhaps we shouldn't judge so preemptively or as harshly. Maybe we should give it time & hope for the best.

[hostile-southern]

Chance

People keep dying. I don't know what I wanna say about this, but it's affecting me in many ways. I've been carrying it for a long time, and I'm sure it'll only get worse until I'm dead myself. I don't wish to die, so it's just something to live with, I suppose. I didn't know life could get this bleak. Feels like no one understands me, but I don't know that that bothers me. I don't mind facing this alone. That's not to say I don't feel lonely, but those two can co-exist. I won't go into detail; I'm leaving it there. I've nothing more to say.

Add: Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I know the secret soon.

I obviously can't be sure, but I feel weird. My body is having issues, and I'm feeling a persistent sense of impending doom. I'm not afraid. Perhaps my lack of fear is a contributing factor, though; I don't know... I'm in quite a lonely place, and I don't see a way out of it.

The last death, the one of the person only a day older than me seemed so sudden, but who knows what she was thinking. Maybe she knew: maybe she didn't. Like most of these deaths, she'd stopped interacting as much--just as I have. Makes me wonder... How long do others think I have left? Have I pulled away, because I sense something, or have others pulled away from me, because they sense something?

Idunno. As to why I'm distancing myself, I'll admit there's more at play--predictable inconsistencies, hurt feelings... Blah, blah, blah. I'm sure I play a role, and I'm sure my health does, too. To simplify it by saying it must be, because of my failing health, and only that would be missing the mark, I suppose. I'm trying to not be as judgmental and unforgiving, but old habits die hard, eh?

All I can do is try to live.

[hostile-southern]

Low Love, Too

I wanna go watch Stranger Things, but first, I wanna say I regret not being generous enough with my friend who's been complaining about the game we play or used to play--the inconsistent one. Um, really, it's just about things he has said that were problematic & maybe his inconsistent nature in general, but we're friends. And, that means I accept him. Honestly, I do, and I wholeheartedly understand where he's coming from. I just... I don't know. The whole thing just makes me uncomfortable, so I'd prefer to vent and get it out, say what we're gonna do, and then follow through.

Out of all of us, I'd be the least surprised if my inconsistent friend is the one who didn't follow through, but it's fine. Who cares! He can do what he wants to do: he can feel conflicted, and he could end up enjoying it. This has shown me why leaks are harmful, though I'm glad people saw these & are speaking up. My hope is, if it's not too late, the developer listens, or if it is too late for this batch of characters, they'll try to do better in the future. The game is great, and it's such a shame its enjoyment is being ruined for those who don't feel represented & are hurt by that. I wish that wasn't the case, but as I've said before, I only blame the developer.

[hostile-southern]

High Love

Speaking on the new region's new characters is tricky, because nothing has been revealed yet--officially. Yeah, I'm disappointed by what I've seen so far, and I plan to protest in my own way. I've been very clear with how I plan to protest. Everyone else has the right to be clear, too; plus, they don't even have to protest. Blaming players for what the developers are doing is a waste of time.

Also, if there's no new information, I don't think it's healthy to keep making the same points over & over again. I know that's a lot coming from me, someone who's very good/bad (depending on your perspective) at driving points home, but in my defense, I match energy. If someone tries to tell me how something is, expect me to respond to that, especially if I disagree. I'm usually not rude, and I'll try to be concise & not dwell. But, I will make my stance known. If someone has something to say, I'll listen, but if they're too chicken to challenge me, then I can only go off how comfortable I am with my own words/actions.

I will say I appreciate my one friend's reaction to all of this. He decided on an action, and he took it. He chimes in when something new comes out, but he doesn't harp on it. I respect that a helluva lot more than some inconsistent bullshit. I mean, people gotta right to feel however they wanna feel, and I'm completely on the same side, as of now. But, it's like... Are you playing, or are you not? Are you excited, or does it sting too much? I'm not saying it's wrong to feel conflicted, especially when the subject is tricky, but I'm tired of the inconsistencies. It reads as a lack of conviction.

Anyway... I'm just waiting & seeing, and I'm gonna enjoy what I enjoy in spite of the possible disappointments. I just won't pay as much for it (I'm stll gonna buy the passes), if the direction they're going in is indeed problematic to me. I could go on & on, but that would diminish everything I've said, huh?

[hostile-southern]

As I Must

Yes, it's time to move on. Those assessments are just things I have to do--they don't have to determine the value I hold in myself. I must paint a bad picture for them, yes, but I don't have to define myself by that picture. I'm so much more than that, and I'm more than some arbitrary credit score number, too.

As for my spending issues, well, I was already struggling with the rumored but probable lack of diversity in the upcoming region. The region is supposed to be based off of the Middle East, so to me, it's a little problematic. Im not going to quit the game, though; I've invested too much & enjoy the game.

However, I don't have to pay for the characters that make me uncomfortable, and I believe if I commit myself to protesting all characters I deem problematic in the new region, it should keep me from spending too much money. So, yeah... In the meantime, I'll just stop looking at my credit score. As long as I continue to make on-time payments, allow my accounts to age, and resist the urge to apply for new cards; my score will be high again. And, I'll eventually pay everything off.

[hostile-southern]

Life’s a Scam

Well, uh, here I am.... I bought all the fragrances I wanted, and now, I'm back to making digital purchases. To my credit (not my credit score, mind you), I also donated to charity, and I repurchased one of my mom's favorite fragrances. I also bought 15 bottles of wine, because my parents aren't doing as well, financially, on top of my dad’s Father's Day gift (also alcohol). 

My dad hasn't worked in 2 years, and he was cheated out of his full retirement. His lawsuit is pending, but I honestly don't know how that will go. Yikes... I had never thought about how rough times are... Until I put it into words. Ah well. My credit score is going to take a hit, but most of my debt is on 0% APR cards. So, I'll manage... Just gotta get my unnecessary spending under control.

This week has been one of the worst weeks for me in a while. I had 2 assessments this week for government programs I'm on. My disease is progressive, yet I still have to prove I'm dying every year or so. Usually, it's not twice in one week, but I have to answer their calls if I want to keep my benefits, which I need to pay off my debt & keep my mom employed. 

The questions I answered were not pleasant, especially because I know of recent deaths of friends with my condition. Yeah, and on top of it all, I was invited to buy a PS5, but I wasn't able to access the site. I tried for over 2 hours, and I cleared my cache/cookies multiple times. I felt so disappointed. So, yeah, I bought things. I guess I understand why I overspend now. 

I hope I can get it under control, but honestly, I kinda don't care if I ever do... The lady today asked me if I have any goals, and I said, "Survival." It was a good answer, considering that I was supposed to be painting a bad picture, but it also made me super sad. I mean, truly, what do I have to live for? I'm not saying I want to die; in fact, I want to live forever. But, also, what do I care if I'm in debt, and my credit score is fucked up? The truth is I'm never going to need good credit for anything... I'm never going to buy a car or a house... Never going to get married or seek employment... 

I might wanna make more large purchases, but I got the cards for that--just gotta make room. But OK, I just wanted to say something somewhere. I'll move on now~

[hostile-southern]

I Feel Hopeful

Oh, I was gonna come here and rant about my benzo situation, but it seems I addressed it by talking about anxiety & medication. So, I'll leave it there! Hm, is this what my friend was asking about? Does he still read this? I don't expect him to, honestly, but if he does, well, he knows how I am & how I need to vent sometimes, especially when I'm feeling anxious. Anyway, that same friend told me why he hasn't been playing one of the games we play(ed). I get his reasons, and I support whatever decision he wants to make, moving forward. I wish we could've talked about it sooner, but you know what? No, I'm not gonna do that shit. He told me, and I've accepted it. End of story. 

Could have, would have, should have. Point is he was there to help me when I was struggling, and I am not one to forget that. So, as far as I'm concerned, we are cool. I've been feeling better on many fronts lately, and I will gladly be there for him when he reaches out to me, too. Tonight made me so fucking happy... I'm not sure if he even realizes. Yeah, sure, I'll miss playing with him & the gang on the game, but I'll live. We'll still keep in touch & play other games.

[hostile-southern]

001

I was trying to switch medications, and I think that kinda made my anxiety worse. I feel better now. Thinking my anxiety is that bad--paralyzing, even--without medication is hard to believe, but I know my physical difficulties are not easy. Plus, there's a pandemic, and I am just one person. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I won't pretend I'm the only one, because that's not my style; likewise, I'm bored with judging & worrying about others. Most of us are doing our best.

My strategy to keep myself from buying digital purchases seems to be working, though... There's also not much to buy, at the moment. But, life is all about baby steps & normalizing healthy routines. So, I'd say I'm in a better spot... I'm instead spending my money on fragrances, which I figured would happen, but oh well. I blame the government & my state in particular for not having ways for me to save. Maybe, just maybe I'd have learned better.

[hostile-southern]

Down

I wish I didn't feel this way, and I try to just be at peace about it, because any kind of disruption puts me off. But, I can't help but feel neglected and personally slighted. I guess I could be more honest about it, but I reckon it'd only bother me more, if I knew the hard feelings were mutual. Plus, not poking the bear is my way of trying to be gentle. Maybe I'm being selfish; maybe I'm just running away. I don't know. There's much for me to boo-hoo about, but today is not a good day. My thoughts are all over the place, and I don't have anything to add. I just need to calm myself and do what I need to do today. Yes, I'll be okay...

Add: Just gonna move ahead, slowly but surely, and I’ll let everything else fall to the side. There’s no need for me to get stuck on the past; I might as well see what’s new for me. Who knows, maybe I’ll be surprised. But, most of all, I just want less stress.

[hostile-southern]

Seeking

Happy Pride, I guess. Well, I'll always believe self-love is important, but when you have physical difficulties, not only is it more complicated to love yourself. But, also, it almost becomes an afterthought, because you're just trying to survive. Plus, I don't interact with many people lately, anyway; I haven't in a long time. Valuing what you don't know is challenging, and I find it's even more so challenging when you don't have a variety of others to reflect yourself off of. That's a way to know who you are.

Anyway, I haven't helped any of my Closest Circle with one of the games we play. Well, they have a lot of shit to say about the game I've personally invested a fortune into, but... Honestly, I don't really care if they lose interest. I find the disinterest from their fickle asses annoying, but what's new? I'm not gonna judge them too hard. We've still been talking, and they'll even help if I insist. So, we're cool. I still refuse to touch the stuff they made me do on my own, though, because I'm petty, and I'm undecided about future patches but not for the same reason. It's more to do with my own fickle ass, energy level, and comfort. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to play like I used to, and I always preferred to say "I won't" rather than "I can't." But, I will try...

Add: I gotta say, though, somewhere, that I'm growing exhausted with their incessant chatter about our original game. When I was into it, they didn't wanna hear it. They couldn't relate to me, but I also couldn't say much, because they'd complain about spoilers. Meanwhile, now, I can't talk about our other game, even though the limited-time event is amazing, and there's much they're missing out on. I mean, I can talk about it, but they either won't respond or can't relate. It's all good...

What annoys me is they'll completely flip-flop once the next nation comes out. They'll be all about it, and I bet I'll be all about our other game. It's like we're completely on different pages. But, can I really fault them for that? Meh, I know complaining about their excitement for what I knew they'd love is lame of me, but I was looking forward to gaming with them once the expansion went live. For years, they've always been there for the release of an expansion. This time, I really needed them, because I've felt more alone than I ever have in my life, and they let me down. I don't know how to not feel disappointed.

Also, I must admit I have a spending problem on one of the games. I'm not going to make excuses, but I'm not going to punish myself, either. I'm not going to quit; I don't think it's so bad that I need help. But, I'm buying things I don't need and making stupid decisions. I know I need to do better. I'm probably not the only one, and honestly, I can see how my friends might not wanna play, because it's so damn tempting, but I'm doing my best to be upfront about it. I think that's important, especially if I wanna keep playing. I'll do better. Anyway, yeah. I apologize if this post seems harsh at all... I'm just really on edge lately, but I don't mean to be a judgmental prick. I needed to say something... Somewhere.

Add2: To be honest, it's not that I regret my questionable financial decisions... Like, I'm not really hurting over it, but even though I'm comfortable enough with it now, I don't want it to get so bad that I need help. I'd rather get it under control before it reaches that point. So, I removed my payment methods from my console. I'm still going to buy the two smaller things every patch, and if there's a character or weapon I want, I'm gonna force myself to use my card with the smallest limit. That way, I don't overspend, and also, there will be a few steps for me to go through with a purchase. As it was, I could get whatever I wanted with a press of a button, and I was losing track of how much I spent. Also, I made it so that I have to enter my password before making purchases.

We'll see if that works, but my fear is I'll just waste my money elsewhere... Ehe, let's not think about that, because I don't wanna make reasons or justifications. Mindless, unnecessary spending of funds I don't have is unhealthy, and I need to get it under control.