hottestroadkill

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remember when you’re writing a gross and terrible power dynamic that you should be asking yourself constantly how you could make it worse and sexier

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make sure to process your lesbian angst about your middle school best friend/worst enemy so it doesn't form a flaw in your guard by which a less-skilled swordswoman might still defeat you

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not to be insensitive but some of the salem witch trials were so funny bitches like “i saw her at the devils sacrament!!!” girl... what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament 👀

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they need to makr it easier to steal from big corporations or me and my unscrupulous ilk are going to have to exclusively target small town small businesses run by sweet little old grandmas

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rules of chivarly for knights

1. always wash your gauntlets after tinkling

2. kill people so they can go to heaven sooner

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notice how it's "with mama" and not "with papa". even in a fake cutesy tumblr scenario, she took the fucking kids. <- what I imagine i'd be posting as a divorced dad on tumblr

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I humbly suggest that true crime freaks should get into learning about scammers instead of serial killers. I LOVE reading about fraud and grifts and pyramid schemes. true crime ppl have all this paranoid energy about murder, which is rare in the grand scheme of things.....maybe instead that could be channeled into some productive rage toward capitalism.

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an american pope should signify the end of the world. it does to me

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Maladaptive deeply held belief: nobody could ever love me. Im going to die alone

Positive counterthought: maybe someone has an exceptionally rare form of mental illness that would cause them to make the grave mistake of wanting to fuck me

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Vatican employee: oh hey u guys are back early

Cardinal: pope’s a yank

Vatican employee: what?

Cardinal: *loading a pistol and getting back in the Sistine Chapel* pope’s a yank

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coming out of my cage and i been doing just bad. going back in my cage because i like my cage

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i do love that you can name pets pretty much anything. with children you have to be reasonable but with pets you can just do anything. you can name your tortoise panopticon

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our father, who art in chicago,

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if tumblr goes down give me yuor full home. address and i will move in to your hpuse

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dude you are so interesting. but i hate how much stuff you do in private... (like i just thought of it) i actually have a spare room in my panopticon

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Everyone's like "The new Pope isnt welcoming to gay people and has covered up child abuse" like. Fork found in kitchen?

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knives out 4 should be set in a papal conclave and every time they elect a new pope he keeps getting murdered. black smoke white smoke black smoke white smoke the crowd goes huh?? they have to make benoit blanc a cardinal to get him inside the room and he insists on bringing his husband, because they were on vacation in rome when this all started and phillip wanted to see the sistine chapel but it got closed for conclave. to use himself as bait benoit has to get elected pope. except then he catches the murderer before he can get murdered and now he's stuck as pope. gay married pope, oops! is this anything