howabouttherestofus-blog

[howabouttherestofus-blog]

In the end, all I learned is how to be strong alone.

[howabouttherestofus-blog]

Adulting is exhausting me

Some excels in adulting- take my parents and your parents for example. Some are above average in keeping their life rolling on an on for them. They are the bloggers, youtubers or other kind of  “influencers” you enjoy following or hating on. Others are balancing decent appearances and their skeletons in their cupboards well while others are barely keeping it all together. Last but not the least, the rest of the spectrum are just busy spiraling down the rabbit hole.

Where am I on this spectrum scale? Oh well I am just here and there but I’m mostly spiraling down some hole even Alice won’t even be 2% curious spiraling down to. To be honest, sometimes I couldn’t be bothered that my life sucks but there are times when it’ll hit you right in the heart you know? And those times when you are most vulnerable, no one is available to lend some ear hence the goody, oldie blog post.

Here’s my current situation right now:

1. pursuing some international studies in a gorgeous city- Melbourne.

2. I thought I was happy leaving my ‘provincial life’ behind but 5 months in and I am missing the most comfortable zone I was used to- and that is near my parents and three cray brothers

3. I still don’t have a decent paying job. I’m so broke and I need to pay bills soon. I can no longer tolerate asking my parents for help but I’m also not okay with stretching 20 dollars for one whole week. I’m tired and hungry and I feel like a damn loser.

4. I cannot help but compare myself to others. They have jobs, they go places and actually affords it, have someone to night out with, have someone to hold hands with or just go out and grab some coffee and brunch. Okay, call me jealous but let’s be honest- I am. Watching a movie at the cinema alone is good but all the time? No. Not at all

5. I feel so lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I am usually the most happy go go girl and can cheer herself up but that superpower doesn’t work 24/7. I feel like I’m running low on life batteries right now.

While walking home earlier, I was crying my heart out like I’m on one of those young adult heroine who just got back from a messy break-up. All I kept on saying was “I’m sorry Lord, help me Lord”. I was asking for help and some forgiveness. Help in terms of finding a job and saving me from being broke. I was so tired of stretching my 20 dollars to last me for a week. I was also asking for forgiveness. Last year, I was in a hurry to leave Philippines as I feel the country and some people are choking me. I thought that if I leave, I could restart and escape my tiny, tiny life but here I am now, struggling to make ends meet, swallowing my pride waiting tables and cleaning toilets. It is a good job- I’m not against any of that and hey, it pays the bills! But let’s be honest, from a professional occupational therapist to a cleaner??

Here’s a little flashback. When I was 13/15 years old I thought I would have a very adventurous and wild teenager experience. Get my first kiss (or more lol insert rolling eyes emoji), passed out from drinking too much, having a boyfriend or three, friday clubbing madness or even try getting high. But no, didn’t do any of that except of some occasional hangovers. 

When I was 19/20 years old, I made a promise that my early 20s would be better wherein I am more open to putting myself out there but instead I was struggling with my thesis, passing uni and getting that professional license. No, I didn’t even learn driving not even to save my life. I was able to travel to HK, SG and now I’m in Melbourne so that’s a win for me but I still cannot deny that I was looking for something more. More validation, more love for myself and that someone. I feel like life is passing by and I’m literally doing nothing. NOTHING. NOTHIINNG.

Adulting is drowning me and I still cannot figure out how to tread these difficult waters. This is exhausting. I feel like God keeps on testing me while others get it so easy you know? There’s this saying that He gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors but do I really have to play the game in the hardest mode possible?