howilostallmyfs-blog - Tumblr blog

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

Ever wish you were accepted, just as you are? (Like Bridget Jones? Or guacamole?) Who will be able to do that if they can't even see you? If they don't like the whole, real, you — that's just clarity. Let 'em go and find the ones that dig you.⠀ (at Coastal San Pedro, Los Angeles) https://www.instagram.com/p/BtIUR-HnL3-/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=34hk2zmjcuu4

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

Another good day of work despite another miserable “sleep.” (#fuckfibro) I’ve been working on writing copy for websites (mostly cannabis 💚) and a few editorials for a local publication in by beloved hometown; Juneau, Alaska. I’m so grateful for work I can do in this condition at all, let alone work that’s such fun. I hope the assignments keep coming, send juju! And I also hope you’re having a fantabulous weekend 😘 . 📸: I wrote an article about seasonal affective disorder, a type of depression common in Alaska during long darrrk winters. I was giving advice to my Juneauites, who frequently go weeks on end without seeing sun at all — when I realized it’s been weeks since I sat in the sun. I almost never do it. Beach breaks when I can, but they’re few and far. (Gotta hustle to get them clients in my good health hours! @halcyon.creative) . I also don’t read often enough, so I’m instigating 20-minute mandatory sunshine breaks whenever Southern California skies allow. (Usually. ❤️) I generally don’t take days off unless my body demands, nor lunches; so I think it’s probably wise. And peopling. I need to not burn out on working and resting alone. Gotta ive spherically, and whatnot. Self care is more than veggies! (at Coastal San Pedro, Los Angeles) https://www.instagram.com/p/BtIG3ngHyHm/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=77x9c98hxq6j

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My sister’s been kind enough to store my keepsakes while I gypsy about the country, and I looked through some of them while I was home for Christmas. This is from my baby book. My mom went into labor on Halloween night and I was born a Scorpio baby on a full moon... Omen for an intense journey ahead?? Ha. (At least I got them magical vibes. ✨) . Still in stupid amounts of pain (#fuckfibro) but had a much muuuch better day today. Hope your week’s off to a delightful start 😘 https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs7UFnqnPf-/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ghw7wityzv7q

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Extremely bad few days, #fibroflare. I honestly didn’t know if I’d make it through, sometimes this disease is so fucking painful that staying in this body just seems foolish. It was so intense, and I don’t even understand why. There was weather and a 10-hour work day, but fuck man, seriously?! It didn’t get below 50*, it’s just water from the sky, and I was just sitting and fucking typing — how does that compute to insanity-making levels of pain?! HOW AND WHY?! (Doctors of the world: Be better doctors! Know stuff! Pleassssse!!) . I was left waiting for a doctor without the ability to medicate the pain (#cannabisismedicine) and as I approached two hours there without any distraction nor pain help; I had a complete and total meltdown. They, as always, looked at me like I was bonkers instead of offering help in some way. Good thing they didn’t see my most self-defeating of pain strategies: causing a little pain somewhere so my mind gets distracted from the big fibro pain evvvverywhere. I didn’t mean to make myself bleed, but those ones on my hand there actually did help me calm down for a bit. . Bizzare and fucked up? Yes. Common strategy for people with chronic pain? Also yes. It hurts so much more than we make it look. It’s a positively maddening disease and lifestyle. If I wasn’t so shameless about sharing, you and everyone else on the planet wouldn’t have any idea how very desperate things got the last few days. How terrifying and impossible continuing this fight can feel. Okay. Time to catch up. I never usually take days offs and the first is running at me. Please send juju/prayers/hopes. This is too much. (at Coastal San Pedro, Los Angeles) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs6PLOonYZ3/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=11mam1apl6vwk

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

Whew. I forget how time-consuming setting up a business online is between doing it! I’m setting up @halcyon.creative, and just like at the dispensary 6 months ago — I’m stunned at how long each task is taking. Instagram is, again, thwarting my progress but I’m almost there. (-ish, haha. Oy.) . But both of my warm client leads got hotter today, and though they didn’t work out; two additional people found me online and reached out. I’m still waiting to be verified on Google, most people’s go-to, so that’s pretty encouraging. Wish me luck, I’ve got a lot riding on this effort 🙏 . 📸: Jumping on the timespan photo trend, 1988 to 2018. Three mighty challenging decades are about to begin and she has no idea. Mood after so much trauma and upset? Same. ✨ (at Coastal San Pedro, Los Angeles) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bst2zAZHLnN/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=16h1ma33wmrbi

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

#TarotTuesday: Your cup runneth over! Love and inspiration flow freely when this ace is around, it’s a wonderful time for expressing yourself creatively or emotionally. It can also signify new relationships and other emotional beginnings. (Cups are all about the feels and aces are beginnings.) If you’ve ever had the experience of “flow,” when you get lost and swept up in whatever your working on — this is that lovely energy. It’s also good vibes for connecting to the most authentic parts of yourself. If you’re in between passion projects, this is a great time to brainstorm. ❤️ (at Coastal San Pedro, Los Angeles) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bsr7oMtn2aG/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1wk8f7zyqnf93

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

My relationship with cannabis is a complex one, something that’s changed drastically with time. It’s been an escape, a spiritual tool, and a Funyun-filled damn good time; but in recent years it’s transformed into a #fibromyalgia pain medication that, while by far the least toxic and most helpful option — still only (but crucially) takes the edge off the pain and is pretty high-maintenance on multiple levels... . And it doesn’t even get me high anymore! While I’m overall grateful for that (because it allows me to medicate and still be coherent and productive), I surely do miss the stoney levity of our old relationship. But it beats the hell out of pills, smells amazing, and is bonkers fascinating to boot. (I read the other day that scientists think #endocannabinoid deficiencies are behind fibro, FASCINATING.) . I got to re-up today, see glorious photo number 2. I love the security of re-up day, having weeks of medicine at hand. And it’s always fun to meet the grower fella, hearing tidbits about where my precious herb came from. It’s not dispensary bud, but it’s quite lovely for the deal we’ve got going. Complex relationship or not, I love my cannabis oh-so-verrry-much 💚 (at Coastal San Pedro, Los Angeles) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bsr5sNPnyhz/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=kenqg9948yf0

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

The moon wakes me to say she’s going to bed It’s time for our codependent lullaby So I sing to her my hopes and my musings Skipping over the worry, turning hurt into lessons Weaving a tale For us both to sleep by. (at San Pedro, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsqK4TVHLrx/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=123ojjb7xizxc

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Current mantra. After weeks of preparing, I made my first big outreach for @halcyon.creative today. It’s not my first effort, and have actually been semi-running her mainly on references for years — but this is the first time I really feel like I have some weight behind it. . The last time I made a real effort was in 2016, just months after nearly dying from B12 deficiency, a few months into newly-debilitating fibromyalgia, but a year before diagnosis/any treatment path. I was extremely ill and basically trapped in my apartment, only able to even sit up a few hours a day. Clients had to come to my studio between 11am and 1pm, where we met at my kitchen counter a few feet from my sickbed. It wasn’t sketchy at all 🤣 #desperatetimes . Things aren’t exactly rock-solid nowadays, but man oh man are they improved! I can do this. People do this every day. Goal: two new clients by EOD Friday. If you know anyone in need of writing, marketing, or artistic services — please do let me know. I’m especially interested in the cannabis industry, but love learning about businesses and projects of all kinds. Wish me luck. And a majestic Monday to you 😘 . . . #Repost @spiritual_vibe_tribe with @get_repost ・・・ Just a reminder: things are always working out FOR you, even if it seems like it’s not right now🌌🔮💕✨ (at Coastal San Pedro, Los Angeles) https://www.instagram.com/p/BspTW5vn8d-/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1mdgof5uy5dvp

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

I had a whooped but surprisingly delightful and productive day. After another exhausting “sleep,” (#fibrowarrior) I busted out the better part of a painting and checked out a graffiti contest at @machinestudio on my lil’ break. I really like San Pedro. It reminds me of other quirky places I’ve loved and lived even though they’re also completely different from one another: Juneau AK, Portland OR, and Denver CO. Weirdos with attitude. And nearby mountains. And legal cannabis. (Now, anyways.) Hope your Sunday was splindiferous 😘 (at The Garden Church) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bsmu0tYHRa0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=10jwjcvm20xcz

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

I tried to be my version of boring: rocking a 9-5 cube. I never liked it but was always good enough at it, experiencing as many promotions as I did sudden layoffs. Then my body stopped working right, making the dream I didn't actually have even more challenging. But still I persisted. Everyone else makes it look so stable! And security appeals to me.⠀⁣ ⠀⁣ So instead of working on building a writing or freelance career (something that can be done from home whenever the body allows) way back in 2014 when I realized I was definitely and mysteriously getting sicker, I chose to do temp office work instead. It didn't take away any of the physical challenges, but when jobs only last a few months they don't notice how often you're calling in sick. That was the theory, anyhoo. It sometimes worked...⠀⁣ ⠀⁣ I worked in offices until my body very very literally wouldn't let me anymore. Then there were two years in my deathbed, scrambling to make money freelance style. It wasn't a pleasant experience. So when I had a shot at a solid office job this fall, I was fully ready to trade passion for a 401K. But they didn't want me. I'm still stunned by how hard I took it. Even when winter flares started, proving my bod just can't rock that environment; I felt just heartbroken, like it was my last shot at "normal." ⠀⁣ ⠀⁣ I don't even believe in this thing we call normal, and I definitely don't *consciously* want it – but I think I crave the safety, even though I’m well aware that it's an illusion. Like some teddy bear I’ve been very resistant to let go of, even though it lies and smells funny. I might not know where I’m headed, but I know it won’t be boring. Because my boring keeps rejecting me, haha. ⠀⁣ ⠀⁣ So...maybe take that risk. In my experience, the universe will eventually force it on you anyhoo. (at Coastal San Pedro, Los Angeles) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsmruUKHGuR/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=72a9oaryq0px

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

I accidentally found a gorgeous park today! I love this area. It was just off the road on my way to the pharmacy, 💥 bonkers pretty scenery. In other news, I can see the end of my urgent to-do list. (It kept growing as I crossed things off, hate it when that happens!) Wish me luck on this new endeavor, a new incarnation of it anyhoo. I’ll share scoops once my ducks (heh heh, cause there’s a duck pic) are in a row. (at Averill Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/BskPtyEni1S/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1l4pvcl5janiy

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

Shhhhhhh, secrets of the universe whispering at your heart... ✨ . . . #Repost @spiritual_vibe_tribe with @get_repost ・・・ Meditation 🙏🏼✨ (at Coastal San Pedro, Los Angeles) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bsi5PFzHQrQ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=e8cdrzr9jopa

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

Alright, who ran me over? I couldn’t even be worth that many points, I hardly get to move these days. (#spoonieproblems) Psssch. ⁣ ⁣ But despite physical misery, today was wonderful!! After nearly 4 months, my Medicaid finally kicked in for reals (I had a fake out last month); but today I was able to get help from my doctor for the first time since spring. I had *quite* the list for him. ⁣ ⁣ I love this chronic illness metaphor by @mycharliequinn, “Going to the doctor when you’re chronically ill is weird. Imagine everything in your house is on fire, and you’re standing there and the fire department comes in like, ‘Describe the fire to me and maybe we can find what caused it and put it out.’ And you can’t just say ‘everything’ so you’re like…’Well the fire in the curtain is the biggest⁣ but the fire in the photo albums might be doing the most damage⁣ also the fire in the couch is really inconvenient... ⁣ ⁣ Occasionally the fire guy says something like, “Well your TV is on fire so it might be electronic-fire-itus but that would cause other things like fire in the DVD player. And you’re like, oh yes. That’s been on fire for years. I forgot to mention it because it’s always been a relatively small fire. It’s right next to the bookshelf which has much more fire. And then the fire guy is like, ‘Oh. I wouldn’t worry about that. Book shelf fire just happens sometimes.’” 🤣 ⁣ ⁣ C’est la vie. But I’ve got sleeping prescriptions finally, I had to give up on sleeping the all-natural way this winter, boo. But excited for help, I ran out five days ago and have been taking Valium for sleep which makes me act kinda funny the whole next day. (#mthfr) And I got FIVE specialist referrals — gonna get me some fires put out. Hopefully. Wish me luck I get good fire guys and gals! Sweetest of evenings 😘⁣ ⁣ 📸: Veggie curry nom nom nommmm. (at Coastal San Pedro, Los Angeles) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bshk0RUnPVl/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1tvna0z76mm6a

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

Have you heard of lucid dreaming? It's the ability to 'wake up' in your dream, thereby gaining the ability to control it. It's bonkers fun, some of the coolest experiences of my life have been whilst lucid dreaming. Check it out under L-I-V-I-N in my bio link... (at Coastal San Pedro, Los Angeles) https://www.instagram.com/p/BshZ-OsHVN7/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=16ozfpih78nwy

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

I’ve been feeling pretty emotional this week, whilst fighting against a to-do list that’s determined to demand the opposite of what my body can provide. (#fuckfibro) So it felt really great today when errands took me two minutes from this insanely gorgeous sight. The ocean seemed to feel and relate to my unsettled and chaotic vibes, and the smell of salt in the wind always makes my heart warm. #alaskagirl anywhere (at Royal Palms Beach Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/BscPJ6Eni3k/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=130itkf88bu8

[howilostallmyfs-blog]

Another morning where I can’t get through my meditation without bursting into uncontrollable tears. I’m just so sick of doing nothing but working and taking utmost care of myself (#fuckfibro) and still coming up terrified of the first and in bonkers intense pain. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ And apparently you can’t get a freakin’ literary agent without a nice little ‘K’ to describe the size of your Instagram audience, and they’ve put me into some kinda “punish her” setting since the dispensary page I use to manage got shut down — so my book is probably going to die without anyone even reading the whole thing!! I’ve been trying to deny it, but it’s seriously breaking my heart to let go. 3 years I’ve been working on getting my bookbaby into the world, in tiny pockets of time no doubt, but that’s a real long time to be passionate for an idea no one else has even witnessed.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ And I’m going over my fast-approaching disability case with my lawyer who’s basically telling me since I had horrible care through the whole thing I don’t have a lot of proof I went through any of that. (I’m still a health mess but spent nearly 2 fucking years so sick I usually could only left the house 3-4 times a month; almost always for doctor and groceries.) Besides the raging ptsd, it’s like it never happened. No book, no nearly-dying, no months and months on end of next to no human contact... What the fucking fuck, man. But I’ve pretty much stopped crying. Thanks for listening.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ 📸: However, I did find a HUGE bird-like grasshopper on my Tussy car yesterday, so that’s a good omen. Right? (at Coastal San Pedro, Los Angeles) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsbTqgJnNPp/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1kwuh9ivq3q7k