hows-it-holed-up

[hows-it-holed-up]

Perfunctory Photo Recap: Farscape 4x05

Here we still are, in Coronaland! You know who’s (mercifully) not here? Fictitious characters hurling through space on sci-fi shows! Let’s check in with them because it kinda sucks here. 

This is one of my fav sci-fi series of all time, and this episode marks the emotional culmination of what is potentially the best “somebody got cloned!” arcs of all time. See, our protagonist John Crichton was cloned awhile back, but according to the show they were “both the original” somehow. (shrug!) Both Johns are in love with this BAMF, Aeryn, and John A and her go away on a ship together for Reasons and wind up having a full-on relationship. Then he dies. Tragically. In her arms. She comes back to home base (Moya) where John 1 is, but it’s too difficult and she leaves. OH AND BY THE WAY turns out she’s also pregnant, which John 1 finds out after she’s gone...

Let’s see where all this goes!

My Disclaimer: None of these posts will be in any way comprehensive, because I’m lazy. All of them are probably going to have spoilers of some sort for the entire series…or at least what I remember of it from when I last watched it an eon ago. Exactly what you want in a recap!

And now, on Farscape: Aeryn’s been on the lam trying to sort out her feelings about John A and John 1 for a good long while when out of the blue she turns up back on Moya – and she’s brought trouble! There are some icky dudes chasing her, and now they’re chasing Moya too. Will the crew be able to shake them? I bet they will! 

We catch up with our crew returning to Moya after some sort of mission or other, and look who they find!

It’s Aeryn! She’s there because she’s in a bit of a pickle: She’s dying of heat delirium (it’s a thing!), and the folks who gave it to her are in hot pursuit. She would have been dead already if it weren’t for...

Scorpius! Our favorite half-sabacean half-whatever-he-is! (lol I’m pretending I’m too cool to know but I do know. It’s scarran. He’s half scarran.)

He wants asylum for some reason I’m sure he semi-convincingly shares but that we know is really about wormholes and harvesting knowledge from John - I mean look at the guy. Obvious villain. 

Then we’re treated to another delightful and humorous all-in-John’s-head fantasy convo between him and Scorpy. It must have been so fun to film these weird scenes. They always give me a chuckle. 

They get Aeryn into her super-duper anti-heat suit to slow the spread of her delirium, and she and John attempt to have a conversation about...everything. It pretty much goes nowhere. 

But she “can’t.” Do we ever actually find out what the deal was with these people she was hunting while she was off being an assassin? I don’t think so?

Ugh who cares - the sexual tension between these two is so. good. I’ve already forgotten my question. 

Just bone already!

We soon find out that these guys are the heat-delirium culprits, and they’re hot on the trail:

Aren’t they the same race as the diagnosis dude they’re always going to for medical stuff? Why can the translator microbes translate what they’re saying but not the “diagnocian”? This is a Whole Big Thing later in the series, no?

Anyway, we then find out that THIS power-mad terror and her colored contacts are ALSO chasing them. Or are they after Scorpius? 

Oh no, just John. Okay. I think this was just a couple episodes after she basically mind-raped him, yes? Yikes. Wow. I guess...at least that’s different than the typical sexual violence we see on TV? So...yeah. 

Well, now they’ve got to get away from both of these plot thickeners. Which, blah blah blah, they figure out how to do. Everyone lives happily ever after. Or at least another week.

Except bobo Toni Collette. Purple eyes is not pleased with her. And I don’t think she’s long for this world.

After they speed away, Aeryn tells John she wants to stay...

...and he’s basically like: I’m not sure I can be with someone who’s keeping ALL THESE SECRETS. Then he drops on her that he knows she’s pregnant. Or that she WAS pregnant, at least. And we end. on. that. 

The Other Side of the Wormhole

- Looking back, this really was an incredibly compelling “it’s a clone!” arc. They’re typically such an obvious plot contrivance. We always know who the “real” one and who the clone is, and the clone always dies. It was NOT obvious here, and I think there are plenty of people who would argue the dead John may actually be the “original,” to the extent that’s a thing. And because of that, you can’t really fault Aeryn for reacting the way she does. The distance between the characters feels completely earned, if frustrating. Which honestly is a huge feat.

- The idea that Aeryn would be so grateful to Scorpius that she would be totally blinded to his ulterior motives really doesn’t jibe with her previous characterization, though. She’s always been super suspicious by nature. Are they suggesting she’s, like, trauma bonded to Scorpius? If so, they really messed up on her reaction to finding out he is indeed (DUH) there to try to get wormhole knowledge from John.  

- Also not super well-handled? Scorpius claims to have taken the brain connection thingy out of John’s head in this episode, and John’s like “OMG yeah it’s totally out now! Yay!” But it’s later revealed it’s actually still there. Which is pretty much just a cheap trick, from a narrative standpoint. 

- Aeryn has GREAT boots. I think I’m going to go order the chunkiest Doc Martins I can find as soon as I hit post, in her honor. 

- Despite a few little niggling annoyances, this is still a very good episode in what is overall a pretty darn engrossing series I’m definitely going to keep coming back to. Sure, some of the plotting can be uneven, but the performances - notably Claudia Black’s - are always spot on, and the storytelling itself is usually just as good. Even though I’m not always happy about it, this show has my heart. 

[hows-it-holed-up]

Perfunctory Photo Recap: Bones 6x23

Well, we’re in week who knows anymore! of lockdown, and I’m in the mood for a nice crime procedural. There are many to choose from, but only one has Angel and a spectrumy Deschanel sister going for it. I picked this episode – the season 6 finale – because some internet site I stumbled on told me it’s one of the top 5 in the series. And I always trust random internet sites I stumble upon. Let’s get on the case. 

My Disclaimer: None of these posts will be in any way comprehensive, because I’m lazy. All of them are probably going to have spoilers of some sort for the entire series…or at least what I remember of it from when I last watched it an eon ago. Exactly what you want in a recap!

Examining the Bones: A body is discovered in the pin resetter thingy at a bowling alley. Booth and Brennan use this as an excuse to do an undercover mission as an affianced couple, while the rest of the team takes care of the murder-solving lab work. Plus we’ve got Papa Brennan! And Angela is about to have a baby! What a finale! 

We open with a bratty little kid throwing a fit in a bowling alley because he wants a turn on the lane. I’m pretty sure his mom is Libby from Sabrina the Teenage Witch?

I’m aware that I could very easily look this up on IMDB, but eh who really cares! 

The pins reset on their lane, and things get sufficiently gross and maggoty. 

Not gonna lie, I chuckled at this. 

Evidently the pinhead (too far?) was a member of a local bowling league, and the bowlers are apparently a famously insular group. This calls for an Undercover Job with Buck and Wanda!

According to Papa Bones, who is apparently on this bowling team and is their “in,” they’re acting pretty awk around each other! Did I mention they boned (lol) a couple weeks ago? 

This is the team’s resident phenom and (obviously) taskmaster. There are few things I enjoy watching less than a precocious child who thinks they know The Most. Especially one who is also mean. And this one is MEAN.  

But they’ve managed to find one! Angela is in labor and dear god I hate watching a labor/birthing scene. I can only imagine it must be just as horrible to have to act in them. Probably second only to sex scenes in terms of awkwardness, no? 

Back at the bowling alley, we’re introduced to this red herring. He is in management(?) at the bowling alley and did not like our murder victim! Buuuut we’re only halfway through the episode so obviously he didn’t do it.

They literally have a computer in the delivery room so Angela can work WHILE SHE’S IN LABOR. This is insipid. This is everything that is wrong with American work culture. Leave Angela alone! 

I guess working while your baby is crowning actually makes you super helpful and productive because now Buck and Wanda have some new intel about the murder weapon. Signs seem to be pointing toward the obnoxious little twerp, leading Bones to take a trip down Foreshadowing Lane.  

Anyway, the murder weapon was the material and approximate weight of a child’s bowling ball, and cause of death was “to the face.” It seems like the kid tampered with the pin settings on the team lane so that it’d be easier for them to get strikes and 7/10 splits – and the murderee may have found out. 

Yada yada yada, because reasons, they figure out it was actually the shoe rental guy! Which, I dunno, kind of fair? The above motive seems legit enough to me... 

Case closed, everybody heads to the hospital to meet this tiny little cutie! It’s all very sweet and everyone is happy. 

Booth and Brennan leave together, and Booth says some lovely things about how babies are blessings and this is the best day of Angela and Hodgins’ lives. And then Bones goes ahead and lays this on him:

He is very excited:

And the whole thing is heartwarming and adorable. But...

Sorting Through the Bone Room:

- All right, I found this just as delightful as the next crazy person who’s watched every episode of this show, but begging Hart Hanson/Stephen Nathan’s pardon ever so much, are they telling us that he knocked her up after just ONE NIGHT? Evidently they were acting super awkward around each other (Papa B kept commenting on it), so I don’t think we’re supposed to infer they’ve been at it off-camera for weeks. I know it “only takes one time” (my abstinence-only high school sex ed classes made very sure of that) but for real? Also, that sucks for them if they only got it in once before she got pregnant! 

- I always forget how incredible Wanda’s hair is. Truly magnificent. 10/10. That necklace, though. WHAT is that thing made of?? Bottle caps and plaster of Paris? Wow.

- I definitely chuckled at Wendell not being able to work the Angelatron and stumbling upon a network-TV-friendy sex tape Angela and Hodgins made using a strangely distant camera.

- The team they’re bowling against has what I can only describe as a “predatory lesbian” on it who hits on Bones. To the show’s credit(?) there is also a man who does this, and I would say he’s more aggressive/objectifying than she is. And the fact that the woman is coming on to her isn’t really played for a joke, which I suppose is something. But on the other hand, you know, “predatory lesbian” trope. This show aired 9 years ago, and I feel like we were kind of past that by then already? 

- Overall – despite an occasional eye-rolly moment – this was an enjoyable rewatch. I reveled in Buck and Wanda’s bowling alley shenanigans; I got all serotonin-y over a cute baby; in general my heart was warmed. I wouldn’t put this show at the top of my list for a full rewatch, but it feels like it would be a good WFH background show for corona times. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to rewatch that bowling DCOM.  

[hows-it-holed-up]

Perfunctory Photo Recap: The O.C. 2x14

Up until now I’ve only been doing these recaps for pilots, but getting stuck watching only pilots – which are usually the absolute worst episodes – of series I love sounds pretty grim. So as of now, any iconic episodes of any show are fair game. ERGO, despite the fact that The O.C. has what I’m fairly sure is a phenomenal pilot, I’m skipping ahead to the February sweeps episode of the show’s second season: “The Rainy Day Women.” If I remember correctly, it’s extremely emotionally satisfying and I will probably spend the last 15 minutes just pressing my hand to my own sternum and sighing. 

My Disclaimer: None of these posts will be in any way comprehensive, because I’m lazy. All of them are probably going to have spoilers of some sort for the entire series…or at least what I remember of it from when I last watched it an eon ago. Exactly what you want in a recap!

California, Here We Come: Kirsten and Sandy (aka Mom and Dad) have been fighting because the former love of his life needed some PRETTY INTENSE legal help, and he jumped at the chance. Kirsten understandably doesn’t love this! Meanwhile, Summer is about to jet off to Italy for her BF Zach’s sister’s wedding, because somehow we’re still pretending like this is a thing. Plus some other stuff is going on with some other characters blah blah who cares. Welcome to The O.C., bitch!

I read somewhere that Josh Schwartz always hated this title sequence – that he could never find something he was super satisfied with and just kind of acquiesced to this. Meanwhile the rest of us are screaming the words to “California” while we head bang and strum our air guitars, every episode.

In the first big scene, we catch up with Mom and Dad, who have been struggling for a few episodes because an old flame came back into his life asking for help, and he dove in head first. 

Kirsten is not pleased. This Rebecca situation was so heartbreaking. Sandy Cohen’s whole thing is that he always does what’s right. This was one of the only times in the series it felt like he had other viable options and he was obviously misstepping. I’m with Kiki here. 

Oh hello Olivia Wilde! I forgot you were in this show! She’s insanely beautiful, obviously, but those mid-aughts pencil-thin eyebrows didn’t do anyone any favors. Not that I would know anything about this personally, of course.   

And not doing the show itself any favors 15 years out: this “Marissa is a lesbian but it’s definitely just a phase” storyline. I remember thinking it was a little gratuitous and questionable even back in ‘05. 

Speaking of questionable plots: We’ve been strung along for half a season watching Seth trying to win Summer back and her rebuffing him. And Summer’s right – it WAS pretty annoying! Seth’s still at it, heading over to her place as she’s packing for Zach’s sister’s wedding in Italy, but...not really having anything to say! (i.e. still not there to advance the plot.) 

We get a brief interlude to watch Julie Cooper think about how she could snip the tip off her husband’s penis. 

And then we’re back to the real story. Although I’d honestly rather stick with Julie because:

SANDY. NO. THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE! You cannot spend the night in a hotel room with your ex. You also cannot drink wine on the floor of said hotel room with said ex! Stop it! 

Seriously. You know what could happen. 

Anyway, Seth thinks he’s figured out how he might actually be able to move the needle with Summer. He’s bought his boat back and is going to take her...sailing in the pool? Sure! Foolproof!

I had a literature professor in college who would bring this show up in class every week, linking it to whatever we were reading at the time. He didn’t do this because he thought he was bridging some kind of gap between us and the material – only about 1/4 of the class even watched this show. He just did it because it made him happy. This “objective correlative” reference really made me think about him and chuckle.  

At the airport on her way to Italy, Summer sees a little boy playing with a horse on top of some comic books. I guess she’s like, “Even though I’m only supposed to be 17 my biological clock is already ticking,” and she ditches Zach and heads to Seth’s. 

Checking in with our other couple, Sandy has finally (sort of) come to his senses and headed home – after Rebecca straight up ran away from him because she was about to get caught by the cops. Helps when the universe just makes decisions for you, I guess!

Ehhhhh I mean it started a little! 

Anyway, they kiss, and it’s very sweet. And we’re all breathing a sigh of relief.  And we won’t sic Julie on him just yet.

Meanwhile, their son is on the roof attempting to adjust the satellite. He’s put on a Spiderman mask because it’s all he’s got to protect his head from the rain, somehow, and he’s decided the only safety precaution he needs is A ROPE TIED AROUND HIS MIDSECTION. Things, predictably, go awry. 

HOW did Seth not get literally sliced in half by this? He must have slid like 30-40 feet from the top of the roof to where he’s dangling. I have no interest in doing the calculations to verify this statement, but I’m pretty sure we’re at least looking at some internal bleeding here.  

Anyway, Summer arrives, finds Seth dangling in the back, and:

The emotional payoff for this arc, now that it’s FINALLY concluded, is excellent. And what a delightful way to anchor it for this character. 

It’s hard not to love this scene – it’s heartwarming. But with the benefit of 15 years and a rewatch, it also seems like this must have been VERY uncomfortable to film. Like apart from having to hang upside down for who knows how long, how was there not water dripping down Adam Brody’s (or more likely, this stunt person’s) nose the entire time?? Somebody call OSHA!

Musings from the Poolhouse:

- This show is disguised as a teen soap, but it’s so much more than that. Between its overarching commentary on privilege and the status quo and its own self-awareness (exemplified by winks at the audience like show-within-a-show-cum-commentary-on-itself-AND-reality-television, The Valley), The O.C. is one of the cleverest series ever to grace network television. Despite a few things not aging particularly well, it’s still a really fun experience to watch it. Except for season 3. Skip season 3. 

- Julie. Cooper. JUST. YES. YES YES YES.  

- Marissa’s face when Alex is talking to her about having to do things like take out garbage and pay rent made me LOL. 

- I may have been projecting a little bit about the kid with the horse at the airport. He was very cute. And I think my own ovaries have kicked into high gear.   

- There was an entire (C? D? E?) plot in this episode about Lindsay’s paternity and moving to Chicago and some other stuff I can’t bring myself to care about. Ben McKenzie and Shannon Lucio had like negative chemistry, so despite the show’s best efforts to make us invested in that relationship, it just wasn’t landing. I remember caring way more about her storyline with her mom, Caleb, Kirsten, even Seth. So, shrug, she’s moving to Chicago I guess! 

- Josh Schwartz is so good at music! Apart from Phantom Planet (obviously), I clocked Blind Melon, Louis XIV, Boyz II Men, Bell X1 and Matt Pond PA (covering Oasis) in this episode. A real auditory journey down memory lane. Did I miss any?

[hows-it-holed-up]

Perfunctory Photo Recap: Alias 1x01

After starting off with Gossip Girl and swinging wildly in the other direction for my second post, I decided a happy medium for No. 3 would be that early-aughts ABC classic, Alias. The show premiered basically immediately after 9/11, and I started watching it in 2002 with its mid-season premiere – meaning I missed the first half of the first season and didn’t get to watch it until it RE-AIRED over the summer of 2002. (How did we ever live without streaming apps? Unfathomable.) Anyway, I was obsessed with this show when it was on, and I suspect it’ll hold up pretty well, even though we’re the better part of 20 years out from the pilot. Let’s get our spy on!

My Disclaimer: None of these posts will be in any way comprehensive, because I’m lazy. All of them are probably going to have spoilers of some sort for the entire series…or at least what I remember of it from when I last watched it an eon ago. Exactly what you want in a recap!

The Prophecy: Our heroine Sydney Bristow thinks she works for the CIA, but learns pretty quickly (after they murder her fiancé) that she’s been a bit of a dummy! She actually works for the bad guys – an organization called SD-6. Will she just sit back and accept it? That would make for a pretty short series! 

Fresh off his thrill-a-minute action masterpiece Felicity, J.J. Abrams stays brand consistent, opening his new series with some light waterboarding. 

We cut almost immediately to Sydney in a college classroom (there we go, J.J.), where she’s scribbling furiously in a blue book and giving me anxiety-induced flashbacks. She meets up with her BF...

Who proposes to her on “the quad” while singing “Build Me Up Buttercup” at the top of his lungs. I remember finding this adorably romantic in high school. If someone inflicted this on me now I would literally walk away and never speak to them again. 

Syd here seems to be contemplating the exact same thing. But she (somehow) gets over it and says yes.  

Wow, there it is! “The CIA.” Honestly, Sydney really should have figured out this wasn’t legit almost immediately. No way the vibe at ANY CIA office is industrial chic. There’s barely a fluorescent light to be found! 

LOOK AT BABY BRADLEY COOPER! (Yes, this screengrab was very strategic.)

He’s so crestfallen when she tells him she’s engaged to Doug or Dave or whatever his name is. Poor BB. Don’t worry Bradley! He’ll have shuffled this mortal coil by halfway through the episode.

Annnnd this is why:

Big no-no!

He freaks out and I guess runs off. When they meet up again it’s at some oil-pumping hoosit in Bakersfield or some such, and she gives him some cringeworthy line about having always hoped she’d find someone to give her life meaning and he’s the one etc. etc. GROAN. 

Then she jets off on her latest mission, where the best part is she gets to use her real accent for about 10 seconds. 

As a southern(ish) lady myself, I always get a little delight when I hear a good southern accent! Everyone seems to think they can do a flawless one, but it’s almost impossible to find someone who’s not from the region and can do it properly. The attempts are usually skin-crawlingly bad.

Anyway, after the mission, she returns home to a not-very-nice surprise. 

J. Garn is VERY good in this scene. 

After a wee confrontation with her boss about the small matter of murdering her fiancé, we cut back to the torture scene, where Sydney’s got some jokes! 

LOLLL!!!!1! But to be fair they did shoot her full of a big ol’ syringe of something we’ll assume is affecting her frontal lobe, or whatever. You try being funny in the middle of a drug-enhanced torture session. 

Anyway, we cut back to Dorian’s funeral, where we get eyes on Will’s (Bradley Cooper’s) sister, who happens to have fire-engine red hair and be dressed like a British goth-punk from the ‘70s. Super approps funereal attire. And also probably nothing to do with Syd’s lil future disguise – just a total coincidence. 

Then over to this image of me, every night of this COVID-19 quarantine. Note the bottle within arm’s reach. By tomorrow I’ll probably be foregoing the glass altogether. 

When we check back in with our girl, it’s been 3 months since she’s been into the office. Prob b/c of the whole “murdered her fiancé” thing but who can say really. Anyway folks aren’t super pleased!

Like really not super pleased. 

There’s a whole fighting thing, and as Syd’s struggling to escape her dad dadus ex machinas on up:

He tells her the people she’s working for are actually the bad guys. And she’s like NUH UH! And he’s like “So then how come you’ve never been to Langley? Also come on have you seen the offices?”

Not really being able to argue with his logic but also not really trusting him, Syd runs off and steals Will’s sister’s identity (SHOCKING TWIST!). Because as all great spies know, you want to stand out as much as possible – so best practice is to dye your hair the brightest color you can manage and dress like it’s Halloween so that everyone will notice you. 

Anywho, all of that somehow works, and we arrive at the part of the narrative where she gets captured and tortured. But because she’s the star of the show, it probably won’t come as too much of a surprise that she escapes! She runs off to find the thing she was supposed to find at the beginning of the show:

A highly coveted floating clown nose! (No but actually it’s much more sinister than that and is a big deal later in the series.)

She gives it to her boss so he knows she’s back onboard:

Then heads straight for CIA HQ, where she writes down her story for this handsome fellow and offers to be a double agent for them:

Sigh. I remember being very into these two as an IRL couple and finding out they broke up immediately before a French test. I also remember I did not do excellently on said French test. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I had no interest in studying. I would probably be fluent now if it weren’t for them. 

Anyway, the CIA verifies her statement and sends an asset to let her know that she’s in:

Yes that’s what I just said. 

It turns out that papa Bristow is ALSO a CIA double agent! What a good reveal to end on! Great job J.J.! 

Debriefing:

- After spending 20 minutes searching for a free, not-illegal way to watch this sucker online (because I’m a cheap bitch), I finally gave in, swam around in my massive hope chest and literally dusted off this DVD, which it turns out I still own. Did I buy a DVD player just so I could watch my Alias, OC and Friends DVDs? Who can say! 

- I didn’t realize they introduced the Rambaldi mythology in the first episode. It’s actually pretty impressive they could maintain that as a narrative thread throughout the show. Also we’ve got a “47″ alert at 12 minutes in. 

- They have Jennifer Garner speaking a ton of languages throughout this show, as I recall. I wonder if she’s any good at any of them? She sounds vaguely convincing in the pilot, to me, but what do I know?

- I think we can all agree that Merrin Dungey is a national treasure and deserves to be a bigger star than she is. I’m always so happy to see her when she pops up in other things. And she’s great in this show. 

- Overall, the Alias pilot holds up REALLY well. It does an amazing job of giving depth to all of the characters and really making the audience care about them – even the ones who only appear for a few minutes. The plotting is strong, and the groundwork for the rest of the series is laid without being even remotely heavy on eye-rolly exposition. Plus the actors’ performances are all *CHEF’S KISS*  

[hows-it-holed-up]

Perfunctory Photo Recap: Star Trek: Voyager 1x01

There are 2 genres I enjoy that I would classify as “guilty pleasures.” Ok maybe 3. Ok 6. But the point is that apart from Josh Schwartz teen soaps, I’m really into sci-fi. I grew up watching Star Trek: The Next Generation and all the Stargates with my grandfather, and when Voyager premiered in ‘95 I was HERE. FOR. A. LADY. CAPTAIN. I have such a soft spot in my heart for this show. Despite the fact that it was sometimes borderline terrible, it was also often shockingly creative and delightful. So let’s take a look at this show’s pilot, which launched a series that somehow lasted 7 years. 

My Disclaimer: None of these posts will be in any way comprehensive, because I’m lazy. All of them are probably going to have spoilers of some sort for the entire series…or at least what I remember of it from when I last watched it an eon ago. Exactly what you want in a recap!

Captain’s Log: New(?) Captain Kathryn Janeway is chasing some vigilantes who are part of a group the people she works for (the Federation) see as quasi-terrorists (the Maquis). They all get zapped tens of thousands of light years away by something called The Caretaker. It’s not a great day for anyone. 

We first encounter our captain in a penal colony that is definitely in New Zealand and definitely not just LA nope nope nope. This, as you may have guessed, is NOT our captain, but a random alien extra whose makeup is extremely excessive for his role in the episode.  

Look at cutie pie Tom Paris! Robert Duncan McNeill mostly directs now, which is probably a good thing. I recall a fair amount of scenery chewing from him over the course of the series. But he gives good face!

Sorry Tom!

Anyway, it’s time to meet the captain and her weird signature bun! If you’re not a Star Trek fan and you’re somehow still reading this, you’ll recognize Kate Mulgrew here from Orange is the New Black. 

For some reason, she’s trying to break Tom out of this prison colony so that he can...come watch this mission? Because why? She likes his dad? He knew the Maquis captain for like a week? Don’t they need someone to fly them through the plasma storm anomaly blah blah whatever? Isn’t his whole thing that he’s an awesome pilot? I already need a drink. 

He seems just as confused as I am. 

Okay then!

Do we think if Salt-and-Pepper Commander Who’s Not Long for This World had lived he and Janeway would have boned down? The fact that she and Chakotay never did, and then we had to suffer through that whole extremely forced 7 of 9 thing in the final season always annoyed me. 

Well, he seems to think so. 

And then, because The Caretaker, the ship is thrown through the aforementioned plasma storm whatchamacallit. And because none of these people have heard of a seatbelt despite the fact that it’s the 24th century, it’s a bit of a disaster. There are several casualties. Among them Janeway’s hair. 

Turns out they got thrown pretty far. Like, 70k light years far... 

All the way to a gorgeous Victorian with a wrap-around porch I’d love to be sipping a mint julep on. Until “The Neighbors” arrive. 

“The Neighbors” are aggressively white. 

And (I think unintentionally) terrifying.

Both crews eventually get back to their ships, but they realize two of their crew members are missing – one from each side!

For some reason Tom “Just an Observer” Paris is part of the recovery mission. 

For these guys! B’Elanna and Harry! Even though Garrett Wang doesn’t get a ton to do in the rest of the series besides be a doe-eyed dummy, these are two of the series’ major players. So...here you go! 

Jason Mantzoukas? 

“...for simply taking what we’re given.” Eeeeee. So this is turning into a heavy-handed commentary on the “welfare state” in the second half. Cool. Let’s have a moment of silence for nuance. 

Also, let’s just sit with this hair for a moment. I’ve had pixie cuts. I’ve had YEARS’ worth of pixie cuts. I could not have gotten my hair to sit like this with three cans of hairspray and a thousand answered prayers. This MUST be a wig, but nevertheless, props to the hairstylist wizard who made this happen. 

Anyway, they all escape through the caves (because there were caves!), the white man leads the rescue...

Saves all the minorities. Etc. etc. 

The virtues of bootstrapping are extolled some more. (Do I maybe not like this show?)

And the Maquis crew has to abandon ship and integrate with Voyager, stranded 75 years from home. Honestly, despite its (several) shortcomings, this is still a pretty compelling setup. I think I’ll keep watching for a bit – although I might just skip to an episode Bryan Fuller was onboard for.

The Final Frontier:

- The white saviorism in this show definitely rubbed me the wrong way. As did the not-so-subtle social commentary that quite honestly was antithetical to pretty much everything I’ve ever seen in any Star Trek show. But 1995? So I guess some leeway? Apparently this was UPN’s (remember them?) first-ever telecast. That also helps contextualize/excuse some future extremely upsetting uses of crushed velvet. 

- Kate Mulgrew has such an authoritative voice. Not to mention presence and gravitas to rival a quantum singularity. What good casting. 

- What did they do with B’Elanna’s forehead ridges in the rest of the series? They look SO much better here. Did they try to make her look “more human” later? It’s...less good. 

- Were B’Elanna and Harry supposed to be a thing initially? They have zero chemistry. So I guess good pivoting, show runners?

- How did Janeway decide Tom should be a Lieutenant? Didn't he...not even graduate the Academy? Meanwhile Harry toils for 7 years and is still an ensign at the end of the series...

- How do the universal translators work? I get it if they’re on a ship or in a building built by an “advanced” culture, but if they’re outside with way way less-advanced life forms – like the Kazon in this episode, who apparently can’t figure out how to combine two hydrogen atoms with one oxygen – how do they understand each other? This also comes up later in the series, and I feel like it’s never been explained satisfactorily. Translator microbes? A la Farscape? 

- Speaking of things I feel haven’t been addressed thoroughly enough, I have some questions about the Maquis – which, incidentally, was what the French resistance in WWII was called (you’re welcome for your next trivia night victory). They’re made up of a bunch of randos who hate the Cardassians, mainly because the Cardassians are joyful ethnic cleansers, yes? But how are they funded? How did Chakotay & Co. get that dope looking ship? Where are they getting centralized orders from? Can I see an org chart? Why is the Federation pro-Cardassian? Because power? I’m sure this is at least partially explained somewhere. Help me!

[hows-it-holed-up]

Perfunctory Photo Recap: Gossip Girl 1x01

HBO Max is rebooting the aughts classic Gossip Girl, and with New York essentially under lockdown it seems like a great time to revisit the original – a sunnier, pre-Trump, pre-coronavirus time. None of these posts will be in any way comprehensive, because I’m lazy. All of them are probably going to have spoilers of some sort for the entire series...or at least what I remember of it from when I last watched it an eon ago. Exactly what you want in a recap!

The High Line: Serena van der Woodsen returns to NYC from boarding school, where she ostensibly fled because something happened between her BFF’s BF and herself. The welcome she receives is not so rosy. 

What a delight it is to soar over the New York skyline to a still-boppin Peter Bjorn and John song. Guys, this is what it looks like out there! It still exists!

Check out Taylor Momson pre-circuit overload and Jawline McSideburns over here! Such cuties! 

LOL like any of these kids are smoking weed at a party – much less Chuck Bass. Please. He graduated to coke in the 5th grade. 

Kelly Rutherford is still astonishingly beautiful, even in a terrible screenshot. 

Annnd Chuck still looks appropriately skeevy. In the best screenshot I could get.

Dan’s Gossip Girl website WOULD be throwing Perez Hilton early aughts vibes. Very accurate. 

Less accurate: Why are these prep school kids taking the bus? And where is this bus stopping that Chuck and Nate are already on it when Dan gets on? Doesn’t he live in DUMBO? Aren’t they all supposed to be “Upper East Siders”?

Showing teens doing the sex in the very first episode!! Damn!!

Buuut then also 1 of 2 attempted rapes in the very first episode. Damn. 

Ugh, these two are so cute. Why couldn’t you crazy kids make it work again?

“No no it’s not weird at all that we’re a super close-knit family yet I didn’t tell you I had a significant relationship with the mother of two of the kids in your school who happen to be in the exact same classes as you and your sister very normal mmhmm.” 

Really and truly hating everything about this.

But having very warm and familiar seratoniny feelings about this.

Xes and Os: 

- Addressing the elephant on the Met steps, depicting multiple attempted rapes in the first episode (or any rapes in any episode) of a TV show is not great! I completely forgot how horrible Chuck was at the beginning of this series, and it’s making me hope that the redemption arc I think I remember is actually satisfying. Sadly, the whole thing does feel kind of authentic for a trust fund boy who’s grown up hearing from all angles – from his parents to the entirety of society – that there are literally no rules and he can and should just take whatever he wants.  

- On a lighter note, I had also forgotten they recast Eleanor Waldorf after the pilot. No disrespect to this actress but (disrespect imminent) Margaret Colin was clearly the right choice. Such authority! Such gravitas! 

- Speaking of casting, all of these actors have such insane chemistry. How many of them do we think boned IRL (apart from the ones we already know about...)?

- Is Blake Lively better in this than I remembered? Or was she just phoning it in in later seasons? Or was I just jealous of how beautiful she is and so put up a mental wall there?

[hows-it-holed-up]

So it’s the end times

Well, COVID-19 is upon us. The human toll the virus has taken is already staggering, and those of us lucky enough to be able to do so are hunkered down in our homes as case numbers surge and global productivity grinds to a near-stop. The economic implications are, of course, already being felt by millions, and there’s no telling how deep or far-reaching the fallout will ultimately be. 

Let’s bury our heads in the sand for a little while by re-watching some old TV shows!