howsyourjay

[howsyourjay]

[howsyourjay]

Pain is so powerful. It can erase all kinds of beautiful, happy moments

[howsyourjay]

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I'm on my spot for a bazaar right now. I can feel a strong urge to breakdown. Pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod sa lahat ng responsibility at pag attend ng needs ng iba eh kung sarili ko nga hindi ko maasikaso. I'm so tired. I feel guilty and really sad seeing myself in this state. I feel sad for choosing others over myself. I hate to see that i cannot even take a serious rest and mental health day. That i cannot even give myself my own needs. I'm sad because no matter what I do, i still struggle to bounce back to a stable state. I push through and it makes me more tired and difficult to solve everything with my life. I'm so tired of finding ways and solutions to my problems and responsibilities and it seems like nothing's working out. I'm so tired that i just want to leave everything behind. I'm pressured to always have a loud/successful life because I felt like napagiwanan na ako ng buhay because of the years of depression. Kaya ganito nalang yung pressure ko sa sarili ko. I feel ashamed for not carrying a little portion of what is supposed to be my responsibility. Bills. Personal care. Even finances for my own supplies. I'm so tired of always in a struggle mode. Maybe nasasabi ko lang to kasi pagod ako at di ko na maalala yung feeling kung kelan ako ulit ma-encourage. But it is what it is. I felt what I felt. Now that i acknowledge all of this, i don't know what to do next. I do not know what to ask for. I do not know what kind of help I need. If i will push and rise above or take a step back from all.

I don't know if the world will wait for me until i can pick myself up again.

[howsyourjay]

I realized a lot of things about my friendship fallouts.

To sum up, I've done my very best to be there for everybody whenever they needed someone. I understand that life happens. I really do. I guess the last thing I don't want to feel is the feeling of being left hanging.

♡

[howsyourjay]

Today, I think I'm gonna hit my rock bottom. There's a lot that is happening around me especially in the business. Everyday I need to endure an extreme feeling of uncertainty, self-doubt, disappointments. I want to blame everything around me. I want to blame Artisans for crossing the line by on boarding the same products that I have. I want to blame the people who doubted me along the way because it destroys my self-confidence and my self-esteem. I want to blame the Mall admin for placing us in a location that few people can find. I want to blame my past accountants because they are one of the many reasons why I'm in a big financial debt. I want to blame every person in my life that fails to give me that didnt give the support that I need. But ultimately, I want to blame myself. I know that I did a lot of things that led me where I am right now, whether I overused my capital budget for things that don't really matter or I became too arrogant and complacent. I blame myself for resting. I blame myself for the times that I had fun. For not doing my best everyday. For complaining too much. For not having enough faith. For doubting. For every single day that I am ungrateful.

I surrendered everything to the Lord but I felt like he was angry with me. I don't know what to do with my state.

[howsyourjay]

Hello, today I want this blog to be my gratitude blog. The past few days have been so hard for me. I'm having a hard time being grateful. It seems that my ungrateful blinds me to the hope that God wants me to have. I overlooked the many things that He poured out on me and in my life. I feel like I'm missing a lot just because i take for granted all those things. As I start this, i hope to be more observant, eager and mindful with all the good things in my life. I hope to divert my attention on every good things that life has to offer. I hope to see more of God, myself and others. I want to fill this with good news, God's unending grace and favor. I want to document every achievement and win.