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[howtolightensomenights]

02

With no surprises, you did not show up at the secret birthday party after all those happened. We also stopped talking for a while.

Until, again, months later, my ex and I ran into you on the street. I did not talk much but decided to text you when I got home.

It was also when we started exchanging more texts, and later even getting on the phone regularly.

I was an idiot. Knowing on the inside that, over time I did develop feelings for you, but I did not want to be the “bad person” it was not in my plan to break up with my ex.

But I kept talking to you. One day you wanted to meet in person, I did not know in what way I should reject because I wanted to see you, too.  “I will be hanging around that area today. What do you say if we don’t bring our phones and we try to see if serendipity would bring us together?” You are a pisces. A hopeless romantic. Of course you agreed.

But the truth is, I went there and my ex came out too. I was too afraid of bumping into you with the two of us together, so I decided to hide in a bookstore until very late that day.

That evening, I came home to all the texts you sent me. And I acted like it was all universe’s plan that we were not meant to meet that day. You were upset, but you did not blame me.

In fact, you never really blamed me.

In the coming months we have been nonstop texting and meeting. I was preparing for my piano exam and you would come all the way to spend an afternoon with me, just watching me practise.

The only time when we stopped talking was when my ex and I were in good terms. I would be too busy spending time with her forgetting to reply to your messages.

Still, you expressed no blames to me.

Looking back I think I was at this stage where I did not know what my feelings were for you. And I guess that’s what made me such a jerk the whole time. I think I only needed a drastic change to remind me, that it’s time to listen to my heart and find out what my feelings are.

And the change came.

My family has decided to send me to the states for college. I only got 6 months to stay in this city before I left for school. And there, I realized how much I wanted to stay with you.

I proposed to my ex that maybe it’s better if we try doing open relationship in that 6 months, just to earn myself some time to spend with you without being the bad person. I was such a selfish jerk, really.

The good thing is, we really got to spend more time together. We would bus to shopping malls together, have little walks at park, walk you home, etc.

Just the day before I flew out, you invited me to yours.

I remember sitting on your couch, looking at you, chattering, and fooling around. It was the best day ever to me. I also remember when you were walking me to the bus stop, you took a photo of me so that you’d look at it when you miss me. I still don’t know why I said the following things I said, but here’s what I said. “So, after today, forget me, no? Even if I call you when I miss you too bad, don’t pick up. Or we will never move on.” “Okay.” Now I wish, I have said something else.  And you still picked up my call later that night when I was already missing you.

[howtolightensomenights]

01

I have always wanted to write about us. But I had no idea where to start. It’s been 11 years. We met via my girlfriend at that time. I was 17. And you were 1 year younger.  I remember seeing you the first time in the middle of a downtown setting. You were taller than everyone in that group of friends we were hanging out with that night. We met, because there was a party happening soon and my ex wanted to go shop with you for a beautiful dress.

I’m just going to call you Celine here, since I have just watched again the Before trilogy. “This is Celine,” my ex introduced you to us.

“Hi Celine,” I said as I gently grabbed your hand, acting like I was going to kiss it except I was only going to kiss my own hand that grabbed yours. It was a little prank I loved playing with all the time. I was childish. And you were kind of freaked out. Everyone laughed, but you were blushing.

For that fact that I don’t only remember vaguely how shy you looked that moment, it still feels to me it’s just yesterday we first met.

So we hung out that night. Got you a nice flower-y dress in yellow, went to a cafe full of cute little puppies after, and we said goodbye. It almost felt like one of the most ordinary, mundane night out that could happen to anyone, anywhere in this world. Only months later you admitted, that it was the night you first fell for me. A week later, we were meeting at a night club where the party was held. It was a big group of us, all bringing friends along. You showed up in that beautiful dress we bought together. And I, as that childish, arrogant prick who thought herself was cool and attractive, was wearing a green tee with a black blazer jacket outside. I am a little grossed out now just thinking about that.

We started drinking very soon and there were times that we sat next to each other. You seemed a little tipsy. It might not sound very surprising that you held my hands and hugged me more than once, but that, left me in wonder for weeks.

I remember having no feelings for you at that time. But I was worried sick cause you seemed so drunk later that night and none of us was very close with you. We had no idea where you lived. That left us no choice but giving a call to your ex-girlfriend who later came pick you up.

We took a few photos together at the party. And we would still laugh really hard looking at them today. 

Yes, for all the curious people who are reading this, you are right. We are still somehow connected today in 2020. But I’ll leave you all to finish reading the whole story to find out how.

So what happened after that disgusting party none of us wants to remember? We have not talked since then. We did not have each other’s phone number nor email. The turning point happened because it was my ex’s birthday a month after the party. And I was hoping to throw her a surprise party (yep, another party) where all her friends were invited. So I went logging in to her MSN messenger account secretly and added everyone I wanted to invite to the party to mine. And that includes Celine.

Very soon after we started talking on MSN messenger, we exchanged number and switched to texting.

You sounded even more friendly and cuter. And I thought, “Oh, it must be her personality just that. She must be nice to everyone. She has such beautiful heart.”

But the more we talked, the more I wondered. I couldn’t help but confess to my ex and she thought it’d be better if I’d just go all honest and ask you about it. So I called. “Yes, I fell for you the first time we met. I have no idea why.”

I remember you were sobbing on the other side of the phone.