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hs-aimh-lt · 4 years

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Zarry Ramblings

Disclaimers (!): 1.) I am a 1D, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson and Larry Stylinson babyfan and only began my venture into the great wide world of this fandom about February 2020. So I’m playing catch-up here folks. 2.) Operating on maybe 3 hours of sleep and more caffeine than is healthy. Should probably be sleeping but where’s the fun in that? I swear I know how to adult, just let me Larry in peace people. 3.) I am still fairly new to the fandom and if you read my last typed out ramble then you also know that most of my insight is from proof videos on youtube and what content I skim through on Redditt and Tumblr. I wish I was able to put more time, effort and thought into this rabbit hole I find myself falling down but this is the best I’ve got for now.

SO… here we go folks… My take on Zarry and why I think it isn’t a romantic thing.

So what if in the beginning, when they were all on X-factor and Larry was off failing at trying to not fall in love (and then trying to just, for the love of all the gods young and old, keep it all quiet) and Liam was this older ‘more experienced’ return contestant who was trying to be kind of separate from the rest of the show’s contestants because making friends with your competition just cannot end well and there’s just so many ways he’s seen friendships and whirlwind romances go wrong even just from his one previous stint. So friends? Romances? No thanks, maybe if they made it closer to the end of the show he might consider actually being ‘friends’. And then you have little Niall who is just so happy to be here and yeah he was kind of the best singer in his home town but that’s his small home town and he knows he’s not as stereotypically good looking or charismatic as the other lads but he’s got a good voice and no one actually dislikes him so that’s a win right?

In all of this you have Zayn.

Zayn with his more quiet personality and he’s different, with his R&B soul, his fascination with tattoos and love of art and his family’s religion and culture, he doesn’t do the dancing thing and he seems to already be branded as a bit of a bad boy even though he hasn’t done anything yet?? Because the potential is there for him to grow into your typical pretty boy/bad boy stereotype so why not just make that his brand from the get-go? And Zayn meets Harry who’s still this curly-haired, cheeky little mama’s boy, with the sweetest dimples who comes off as a bit of a dandy sometimes because he just likes people and loves music and is more of an enthusiastic puppy than Niall sometimes and this kid is head over heels for one of the older lads but they keep putting together stunts and ‘behind-the-scenes’ shorts that paint him as some sort of Casanova making his way through the female contestants. But through it all he’s still sweet and seemingly innocent but this kid is distinctly different, like Zayn.

And he realizes that yeah, the kid is young and he’s a bit on the naïve side and he’s so hung up on that Tomlinson boy it’s kind of sad, but he’s smart. He’s smart and he’s funny and when you look past the sweet smiles and eager-to-please attitude, this kid is northern to the bone and there is a rock star in there waiting to shake the world.

Then they get put into a team. And now he’s got a dad-friend he didn’t ask for because Liam is trying to make sure they all make it to that final round. And Niall is still just so excited to be here and that he’s got another chance so at least they have someone in this group to take the edge off and to keep looking at the bright side of things. That kid Louis, who’s the oldest of them all and seems to think that makes him the boss even if he’s still as much of a child as Niall sometimes, he’s got this sadness and worry about him that puts Zayn a bit on edge and makes him kind of glad that the kid seems to have Harry because at least then he’s more bright, he’s more sure of himself and his talent and his place in their group. Then there’s Harry. They actually start to talk and spend time together now and they bond over the fact that they can see what direction their group is being taken. They can see the way they’re all being set up and groomed to fit certain ‘brands’ and stereotypes to hit as broad a fanbase as possible and what sort of music they’ll be expected to make if they win this and get a record deal. And it kind of hurts. Because if Zayn and Harry had their way they would probably be a couple of reckless boys making a mix of R&B and rock and urban music with a pop song here and there and Zayn would be quiet and have his art on the side while Larry would be out and proud, each showing off their cute boyfriend and being that disgustingly cute couple that everyone secretly loves to witness.

But for now Zayn is the bad boy and Harry is the Casanova and Louis is the ‘leader’, Liam is the dad friend and Niall is the puppy and there is so much he can’t say, so much they can’t do, but it’ll be different when they win. It will all be different when they win. Right?

Their group makes third place and yeah it’s sad and disappointing but they tried their best and their group was super popular (they had seen the numbers, they had an idea of just how broad their fanbase was and they hadn’t even been the winning contestants) so maybe there will be other possibilities, other companies and labels willing to sign them. And at least he’s got his family and these friends he’s made and his art. Then they get the summons from on high, Simon wants to make them into the next big thing. He sees their potential, he knows what the numbers mean and he says they can make it work. And Zayn is worried. Signing means these people will make him the bad boy, the troublemaker and Harry will be the womanizing sex-symbol and Liam will be their dad friend and Louis and Niall will be your typical pop idol personalities and he knows what sort of music they’ll be expected to make. But the lads convince him. Just a few albums and then they’ll be able to make the type of music they want. Just a year or two, get their name out there and they’ll be able to demand they be allowed to be themselves and make their own sound and they won’t be able to say no. And he wants this. He wants the chance to make music and be a part of something with these lads so he signs.

He signs and the others sign and they have their first few meetings to figure out just what their approach is going to be and how they all are expected to behave and it worries him but it’s okay. It’s only for a little while after all. But he sees the way Liam worries over everything and tries to dad them all and Niall has to learn to not read the comments because he’s not the most popular and he knows it and it’s sad because Niall is just as talented as the rest and everyone should recognize this. And then Larry, who get such a crappy deal it hurts. Louis is set up with this girl to be a cover and Harry is sent off to be seen with girl after girl because the two of them are so crazy for the other it’s hard not to see it in their everyday interactions. It doesn’t help they play it up sometimes just to mess with management and the fans. But Zayn and the other lads kind of love the two of them together. The three of them agree that they’re good together, they’re happy together and they just work you know? So they decide to cover for them. Take questions from the two that could out them, make jokes and say things in interviews or at functions that might get a scolding or reprimand from management so the two can just be themselves and don’t have to deal with quite as much.

And yeah, it sucks that the two of them have to be so secretive and the lads do their best to help but they made a deal, they signed a paper and they should honour that right? And if they want out so badly then they should at least have the decency to be on the same page about it.

Because at this point Larry are having problems. Louis doesn’t want to be out and Harry just wants to be able to love without having to hide and make the music he wants and dress how he wants and yeah the tattoos help and he gets away with his suits, almost androgynous style and his hair but there’s still so much more he wants to be able to say and do and wear and it’s just not fair. And Zayn gets it. Maybe not all of the clothes stuff because what he wears seems to fit what management wants anyways but the not being able to be himself? He gets that. And Louis wanting Harry, but wanting their careers more? He may not be able to completely get it but he can be a friend. Because they are the same in a way. Two boys with rockn’roll, R&B, hip hop and folk rock and this need to create and be and do seared into their very beings all wrapped up in pop and glitter and shine and presented to a world they are told won’t want the real them. And they just get each other. And yeah Zayn doesn’t swing that way but being around Harry is easy and they’re friends and during all this craziness that is their lives all of the lads have gotten really close so it bears to reason that when Larry are having issues they would go to one of the other lads for emotional support. He just hadn’t been expecting Louis to get so bent out of shape over it.

Because Harry is his bro, and he’s the youngest of them and they just get each other so they never had to have the super clingy talkative dynamic all the others had but now that Larry are having issues Harry needs that so he’s there to give it to him. he’s there to be a shoulder to cry on, to hash out heartbroken lyrics with and to share a room on tour and be each other’s support during interviews. And Harry is a flirt and really all the boys kind of are so they have little flirty moments and Harry needs touch so Zayn lets him into his bubble more than usual and reaches out occasionally because Harry needs someone right now and Louis has his sisters and his fake-girlfriend and Liam and Niall is trying not to take sides. And he sees the looks Louis is giving them. Sees the purse of his lips every time they play off each other or get a little too close and hears the little things Louis says during interviews that ring a little too close to home for the situation to be entirely innocent. And he and Louis were never the closest but they were never this distant. Never this tense. But he doesn’t say anything to Harry because Harry is just starting to be happy again and he’s getting better.

And maybe his helping Harry has been a little selfish. Because Zayn has his own issues. He has his own demons he’s fighting and their entire career has been eating at his soul little by little since the day he signed that contract but that’s okay because he’s got his lads. So it’s been nice to have someone who gets it and is willing to listen too and will let him just be sad and gets the way the contracts they signed have felt like a death warrant for awhile now.

But then Louis gets his head out of the sand. He comes to Harry and says he wants to be better. He wants what they had again and makes promises of being more understanding and open and Harry just wants his Lou back and in all of this they decide that secretly getting married is the way to go. And yeah, Zayn doesn’t get it. Doesn’t think it’ll help like the others are convinced it will but Harry is so happy and Louis doesn’t look like he wants to hit Zayn anymore and Liam and Niall seem agreeable to it so he smiles and voices his support and the two set a date. September 28th they exchange vows and rings and Louis is content and Harry is beaming and Zayn is still hurting and sad and it feels like the noose tightens just a little bit.

It gets worse. He feels the pressures to be something he just isn’t, not entirely. He can’t make the music he wants and Harry is happier because their sound is taking a direction that’s closer to what he wanted to do from the beginning and he has Louis and the other lads are back to covering and supporting and going with what management tells them. Niall is still an excited puppy and Liam is still the dad friend and Louis still tries to take over sometimes but gets distracted and falls back into line soon enough and it’s normal. Except that Liam is echoing management’s warnings about discretion and Louis is giving him the cold shoulder and Harry is trying, because this sweet boy with the rockn’roll soul and biggest heart of them all loves his lads so much, but Louis -his husband, and doesn’t that make the lad break out into his big dimpled grin- is his priority.

And he hates it, all of this.

So he leaves. He can’t find it in himself to finish the tour. He can’t just be their puppet. So he leaves. And he doesn’t talk to the other lads because they’ll try to make him come back and he’ll feel bad. He misses them but he’s mad at them too and lets everyone know about his anger and his discomfort and he basically denounces them all -especially Harry- and doesn’t attend any of their big to-do’s -even Louis’ tribute to his mum- and he sees the way it hurts them. He sees the way Harry is getting sad again, and he hears about Louis becoming a dad with the latest ‘girlfriend’ and that makes him more upset because after everything they all went through for those two, after Louis proposed and promised to be better about the two of them he goes and does this to Harry. But that’s not his problem anymore. They’re not his band anymore. And he’s still hurt and upset and it’s not. his. problem.

He focuses on his career and he’s doing well. He’s topping charts and yeah the boys break up and he keeps track of the highlights cause that’s just common sense and basic courtesy and maybe he could reach out. Maybe he could make an effort to reconnect but then the lads speak up and it’s not that great to be honest. They reminisce on the good times but mostly they kind of play into the public’s assumption that they had all been slowly falling apart before Zayn left and his departure was really just the straw that broke the camel’s back. So he keeps his distance. He stops being so angry when asked about it. Stops shutting down talk of a reunion and even talks to the lads here and there. But the hurt is still there, and there’s a history between them all and if he lets them back in like they used to be, if they become a band again and perform again and give it another shot who’s to say he won’t be slipping on another noose? What if they do a reunion, they come back together and he gets his brothers back and he and Louis work their shit out but he loses his creative independence. He knows logically that wouldn’t happen, but it’s there.

So he doesn’t condemn the idea anymore and he doesn’t actively disavow the lads… but maybe the damage has been done. Maybe it’s just too late…

Tell me what your thoughts are! Discussions and friendly debates are welcomed people. Just no actual fighting or hating on each other please? Again, this is just a lot of rambling and I might do another one of these a little more thought out at some point so any alternate insights are welcome and encouraged!!

Treat people with kindness, stay home and stay safe, and don’t be afraid to be brave lovelies

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