htpp-mxmi - Tumblr blog

[htpp-mxmi]

journal entry #38966377

so me an my girl got into it tonight.. she says i dont listen but its not that i dont listen i hear everything shes saying and sometimes i hear something an go w it bc thats what i hear her say ion rlly ask for clarification which is probably my fault an like when we text i do be reading shit but i honestly be zoning out sometimes thinking of things that ion rlly know how to bring up which isnt an excuse but still yeah an like she got a short ass fuse w me an it hurts my feelings honestly so i told her an like its other things that hurt my feelings like i found lingerie in the drawer we share undies w an like she doesnt wear lingerie i do but its not the type i usually wear so like i hid it an i had a melt down day after an i cut them bitches up cuz why even hide ts or have ts in something yk imma prolly look in an like the fact im jealous over who she chooses to care for but when its me everything goes out the window an like i feel as if "what am i needed for if you alr have everything you want? why me? why does it have to be this baby?? why do you have to be cool w this girl??" an idk how to expres s that to her w out lookin fuckin stupid but like it makes me cry so bad bc i feel like what i could do doesnt rlly matter no more like im not the one she rlly needs bc she has it already...

but in all reality i did a couple fucked up things an she rlly shouldnt b w me but shes trying to have patience w me she lost her job an shes a provider but she cant do it how she wants bc things arent goin how she wants and its stress on stress for her so i try not to be a brat but like idk i feel like a boiling pot that sb forgot abt an i can only hold my emotions for so long... i cried a lot last year over things that didnt rlly matter and it got on her nerves so i stopped in front of her. i used to not cry but we got drunk an my emotions just were all over the place so i excuse dmyself so when i went in the room by myself she checked on me an she got irritated af w me so frm that day forward i didnt cry infront of her she thinks its my personality an things like that but i rlly just dont do well w putting how im feeling an thibking into words so i let shit build up ik i cant do that but its like idk how elde to deal w how i feel abt things.. this rlly was just a venting session ik its mad much but these just my thoughts.

[htpp-mxmi]

i love how quiet tumblr is

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don’t hurt what god sent to heal you

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I’m healing and I’m so grateful

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things never stay the same.

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lmao ion feel like being hereeeee 🤣🤣🤣

[htpp-mxmi]

maybe mfs need a break from me too.

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literally have nobody to talk to so im gonna vent on here and any advice if anyone sees this would be helpful.

so im involved partially w this girl an were gonna call her z cuz thats what her name starts w lol. so me an z been knowing each other since 2019 and we went to school tg (college) and we had psychology tg and at the time i didnt really pay her no mind as far as a potential partner bc 1. i wasnt out 2. id just graduated high school and i was 18 so i was in the streets the whole summer and couldnt nobody really hold me down fr so i went into college w the same mindset (for reference im 21) so when i met z officially she liked me and wanted to be in a relationship with me but i wasnt too particular of her at first (she got A LOT of energy) i would call her my gf but in school i had a friend an we called eachother our gfs so i wasnt serious you could say which is wrong but i wasnt fully aware of her feelings so i took it w a grain of salt and basically turned her down but ended up coming out officially w a girlfriend not long after which was wrong but at the time i was very childish w a childish ass mindset so not surprising at the time. fast forward this year im 20 and i walk into my local grocery and i see her but i don’t realize its her bc shed lost a lot of weight but i was like oh she looks good not knowing till she made it known and from there we got back into contact in september

so fast forward now… were currently on a break bc she went thru a lot last year mental health wise and she was in a relationship the fucked her up so she doesnt do relationships esp w females where im from according to her. but she still liked me the same way i still gave her butterflies 2 years later so we began a relationship which wasnt hard to start we started off as friends. things were good we would ft all day and see eachother which i know came damage a relationship and i met her sisters and family which she brought me around. we said i love you and all yk typical lesbian shit but we butt heads hard and argue abt the smallest things and she believes im playing w her (due to her ex) and she says i say things that her first love (the ex the fucked her up) said and it triggers her and she believes im going to leave her life and assumes a lot but she blocks me and nitpicks at me and thats the shit i hate abt her bc shes so strong willed and outspoken and has an “idgaf who mad i said what i said” attitude that when we argue she sometimes blocks me or does lil petty shit to see me get mad. i do bc i care abt her and ive never felt more safe w someone and that loves me despite how i look or my flaws…

but lately… its been weird. see she went to the beach in the middle of october for her best friends birthday (were both scorpios and shes a capricorn) and this girl lets name her b and she slid in her dms talm bout text me and she was drunk and she got off the phone with me an said shed call back never did but it wont an issue but apparently the girl flirted w her and she said somethings back but i let it go bc she doesnt drink she smokes more. she never mentioned me but they got otp the same night… hmm. so after that it was my birthday then shit just goes down hill in my opinion like we were good but we argued more and we end up taking a break but were still communicating but now over the fact she threw my vapes away and got mad when i got another one td after the fact she spent the night and i met her whole family on thanksgiving but now that i matched her energy when she blocked me an said idc shes tired of me. hmmmmm what do yall think?

[htpp-mxmi]

falling in love is so beautiful yet so damaging when you can never find the right words to communicate how you feel. someone can make you feel like youre at home w them and yet never can find the right things to say when the opportunity is there.

then comes the arguments an disagreements an the falling asleep mad at each other when you both know the other one doesn’t deserve it but not actually knowing the right way to go about shit. you both want to just kiss and make up but its not as easy as it seems…

then yall break up and going from such a high yo such a low has a big blow on your mental. the depression and sleepless nights come into play and you stop eating and you contemplate suicide bc the one person who you felt could protect you isnt yours anymore. you cant see them and yeah yall ft and things of that nature but it’s different not being able to hold and kiss them. you know things arent the same…

[htpp-mxmi]

$50,000 immediately dropped into my bank account wouldn't improve EVERYTHING but boy it sure would be a grand, sexy little start to a good, happy life path, don't you think

[htpp-mxmi]

really seeing who my friends an who not bro. what friends yall know that will never come see you but be w everyone else?

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its so hard to be happy when people around you just dont give a fuck. its so hard not to be depressed when you can sense they dont care. its nobodies job to make you happy but damn ts not it

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[htpp-mxmi]

The true man is the one who fears the death of his heart and not the death of his (physical) body.

— Imaam ibn al Qayyim in Madārij As-Sālikīn 2/248.

[htpp-mxmi]

[htpp-mxmi]

Texting the same person all day and night and never getting bored just because you like them that much