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decay n drunk thots

My love 

D e c a y s 

Beautiful at first

Like a late September forest

Vibrant. Burning.

F l e e t I n g

Let’s hope these embers last

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Guest Mode: Purgatory

The snake of resentment 

Wraps in my chest

Slithering, coiling up the throat

A familiar friend, home at last

She eats her own tail

As she resents herself the most

How many times can she cut herself 

To show them that she bleeds?

Born an addict die an addict

Overdosing on cotisol

Snorting secrets

Injecting anxiety 

givemeanythingtomakeitstop

Hiding in plain sight is still hiding

How many time did Atlas shrug?

Sisyphus climb?

Alice stared at the mirror

She knew the consequences.

Im starting to think 

Destiny has never been predetermined!

We are trapped in invisible cages

Of our own making.

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7.25

You forgive the ones who shoot you

Never enemy fire

But the call is coming from inside the house

Over and over and over again

Gaslightgatekeepgirlboss

Trust me 

(i cant)

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6.20

Trust is a knife

A precarious blade

Tipped either way

Always wounded

Rarely there 

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5.16

....

Choking on my own tongue after finally cutting out the gag

Stuffing myself into a mold i swore id never fit in again

Patterns weaved into a generational rug

You can leave the daddy but never the issues.

A cycle of self hatred or 

Perpetuallybeinglooped

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Guilt trips and airplanes 

Discord calls and broken promises

youcantrustmeyoucantrustmeyoucantrustme

Im sorry you need to worry about me “too”

You couldn’t finish the redlines on gmail

And I leave my constant feelings in draft

I promised myself id never be this woman again

Im a sucker for a sob story.

Maybe this the newest trend of self harm.

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again?

Choking on my own tongue after finally cutting out the gag

Stuffing myself into a mold i swore id never fit in again

Patterns weaved into a generational rug

You can leave the daddy but never the issues.

A cycle of self hatred or

Perpetuallybeinglooped

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Guilt trips and airplanes

Discord calls and broken promises

youcantrustmeyoucantrustmeyoucantrustme

Im sorry you need to worry about me “too”

You couldn’t finish the redlines on gmail

And I leave my feelings in draft

I promised myself id never be this woman again

Im a sucker for a sob story.

Maybe this the newest trend of self harm.

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hahahaha

hahahhahahahahahahahahahaha

kill me

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10.20

entry.

I forgot what this felt like

If I did feel this way. Reality seems so far away sometimes.

As I start to type the words into google, into reddit, into tumblr.

Words that remind me of another time. When I felt this way.

Sometimes, even you cant protect yourself from your past.

It’s satirical, really. That I think I can run. I spend my entire life

runningrunningrunninghidingdrinkingsmokingfucking

Silence is despair. Death. Silence is a reflecting pool.

One day, I tell myself. A funeral, one day to mourn. One day to drinkandsmokeandstavethepainaway. One night to feel bad for myself.

If I listen to closely, I will hear the constant thrumming of my heart. The scent sentiment that echoes when all goes still.

Youre worthless. I hate you. Everyone hates you. Youre a fraud. Youre your fathers daughter. A liar. A thief of joy. A rapture on those you love’s life.

I am an adepti. Here to mold to your empty caverns, to support your broken beams. A repair kit is just metal and leather with nothing to fix.

the echo in my stomach is a shallow, familiar knock in the door. welcome home, friend. 

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10.9

Entry.

My first Saturday night alone in years.

Ego is a strange thing. 

Being alone with your thoughts is scary. There is nothing that scares me more than my own mind. sense and clarity. I prefer a haze. The static of a TV. The droning of a fan. The receptiveness of a podcast.

emptiness

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9.28

Entry.

Why do I constantly need validation from strangers. That girl in the coffee shop. That random incel in an internet chatroom. The cute guy on the train. My chemistry partner. Why don’t they care? Am I a narcissist? Am I my father? Am I just writing these things because I want to be dramatic?

There is no worse feeling than not being able to trust your own thoughts and emotions. No bigger thorn in your side, rock in your shoe, sunburn on your shoulders. Am I crazy? Am I just looking for attention? How can you trust anyone when you cant trust yourself?

She always tells me I am a liar. I am a liar. I love to pull the truth, weave a story from the ordinary. But why? It’s not like my life isn’t enough of a story. There is no note that needs bravado, no filter needed to be entered, for someone to feel bad for me. For someone to give me the attention I so dearly, dearly desire. So why lie?

Is that my fatal flaw? That I’m a liar? One fatal flaw doesn’t seem to be enough. I know I’m a liar - I can think of 10 flaws that eclipse the lying. Attention seeking. Whore. Judgmental.

He ditched me. Some fucking loser I said I would never talk to again. He was terrible to me - called me fat, made fun of my family, hit on my sister. And when shit blew up with Cavan, and he reached out, I bit. I played hard to get for what? A week? Realistically, three days.

And as they do, (as I do), they got over it. I need a taste of my own medicine. I hate hate hate hate hate when people are clingy - so why am I? The more they pull away, the more I want them. Is that why I broke up with Cav? Is that why anything stable is boring?

Questioning yourself just leads to more questions. Answers are rare.

SO what does one do? Sit here and feel sorry for themselves? I feel sorry for myself too often. Then I feel guilt. A never ending cycle of self pity, self hatred, alcohol, drugs, and guilt. Rinse and repeat.

Is it worth even trying to break out? This is who I am. It’s who my parents were. It’s my father’’s father, my mother’s mother, my second-cousin-removed-three-times entire family. You can’t run from destiny.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I look towards a higher power. Think about how much easier, how much more free I would be, if I thought everything was a part of God’s Plan. God’s Plan. I laugh in God’s Plan’s face.

I haven’t written in years. Read in years. I disassociate. I scroll through hours of Tok Tok, watch oodles of cooking videos. Nothing is scarier than one’s own mind. Silence.

Whythefuckdoicarewhythefuckdoicarewhythefuckdoicarewhythefuckdoicare???????????????????? AHHHHHHHHHHHLDAGHXKJGHLKJDHGKJ,XKFDGOIAT

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I just want to have a body that I can love and one that people will lust after.

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if pete davidson’s dick is truly 10 inches and ariana grande is 60 inches tall (5 ft), then that means pete davidsons dick is 16.6% of her entire being. 

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There are so many catgirls in anime? I dont get it? Where are all the doggirls?