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The world is beautiful when you won’t be able to see it anymore

I’m on campus today pretending that I’m a “normal college student” by wearing contacts and just hanging out. I didn’t bring my service dog today and its nice for once to be stared at when I walk everywhere. I’m losing my vision again and I always start thinking about how wonderful everything looks when I know I may not be able to see it in the upcoming weeks. 

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Today is your birthday

Today is your birthday...... a year ago I was on a boat in the middle of nowhere, thanking whatever deity, that I was thousands of miles away from you.

Today is your birthday...... and though I wish you the best, I'm happy where I'm at, and you can no longer hurt me.

Today is your birthday, and I can't believe it.... 23 years old, already? It's been over a year since I've last seen you.

Today is your birthday, I didn't realize what date it is until 9pm.

Your birthday it's today, and I'm okay now. I wish you the best, but, you can no longer hurt me, and I am no longer afraid.

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Hey, it's been awhile.

I hope everyone is having a great day. I know it's been awhile, I've had tons going on. My abuser contacted me not too long ago, and I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it felt to finally tell them how I felt. They apologized to me (even though it was not sincere), and then proceeded to ask me to leave my current relationship (hell no), move back with them (also no), and go to a Kenny Chesney concert. It was so nice to tell that person, without having to worry about my safety, to fuck off. I went on vacation with my boyfriend, to visit my family in Chicago. It was a lot of fun. I'm currently losing my vision, I had surgery in July, but it didn't work. So there's been tons going on. I do hope that if someone out there is reading this, wondering what is wrong with them, wondering when it will get better. I hope you see this, and I hope it gives you hope.

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Dear, sweet Karma.

I sit here tonight, hundreds of miles away from my abuser, completely safe, and oh so loved. My abuser contacted me yesterday over a "John Smith" Twitter account. He apologized to me, said he "realized he could've treated me better" and that, he "should've married me when he had the chance". While it was nice to hear some sort of apology (even though I know it was not a genuine apology) I was quite taken back. My abuser then asked, no, more demanded, I go with him to the Kenny Chesney concert, in 6 months. Now me, a logical thinker, thinks about it like this. This piece of shit human being wants me to a) leave a wonderful relationship with my fabulous boyfriend behind, b) pack up my belongings and move back to my home state, c) drop out of college and move back, d) wants me to go to a Kenny Chesney concert, e) wants me to do it all for this idea that I still care about him. He wants me to do this all because he said SORRY? ONCE? Are you kidding me?! Now let me tell you, dear Tumblr reader, that I, am a sarcastic asshole. Now with that being said, it was very hard to not completely troll this low life scum. It was nice though to finally have the opportunity, to tell my abuser no, follow through with my no, and be safe while doing so. It is something a lot of people take for granted. While being in this kind of relationship, there is the "option" to say no. But it hardly matters what you say, because either way the abuser won't listen or they won't care. So it was nice, to tell this piece of shit human being, that he was a imbecile and to go play in traffic. I do hope dear Tumblr readers that this may have brought just a little bit of light to your night.

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It's been a little while!

Good afternoon guys! It's A, I hope everyone's week is going well, so far! I'm writing down my thoughts that I've had today after my weekly therapy session. I've just started with this therapist but it is not my first time with a therapist. My therapist seems to be focusing on things that I feel are unimportant, things that are not causing me any distress or issues. I feel as though I do not get enough time or help from this person to correctly discuss and understand my feelings. I have been feeling good today, as a person who has ADHD, along with depression, anxiety and a panic disorder- it is very hard to understand my feelings. I have been more hyper recently, and I believe it is because I subconsciously am feeling more safe, cared for and loved. When I was with my ex partner, I felt insecure, afraid, belittled and just downright awful. So while I know my medication is supposed to help with the hyperactivity, I feel like it is not an issue for me currently because I am still able to do my daily functions and school work. I am planning on going to see a different therapist to widen my horizons/ options. And now for today, I have homework and I'm going to play Over Watch! If any of you play on PC, do let me know!!

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It's a rough time

The past day has been really rough. I recently had surgery to correct my vision and I found out yesterday it was unsuccessful, so I'm estimating I have 4/6 months before I'm legally blind again. I'm in the process of finding a service dog to help me get around. I'm upset, it's defeninetly hard. I'm 20 years old and I'm losing my vision for the 2nd time. Part of me wants to know what my abuser looks like now, to see how he's changed. But the rational part of me knows that it's not a good idea and that I'm not going to find out. It's not healthy for me, my relationship now and my mental health. Any cute and uplifting photos would be appreciated.

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Working hard

Some days are worse than others, some days I feel really bad about myself, who I am, what I've done, what I look like, etc. It's a constant struggle and battle to remind myself that I am who I am, I've overcome a lot, and it's okay to feel that way every once in awhile. What isn't okay is reverting back to my old ways and feeling as though I'm worthless, insignificant and should just disappear. I've done a lot of growing and still have a lot more to do, so that's it for now, I've got tons of homework. Midterms are coming up.

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It's an important day!

Today is an important day, I'm in college for computer science and today I've got a field trip to a business start up office building. This building is for recent college graduates who are starting their computer, software or engineering companies. There are possibilities for internships, I'm hoping I can set aside my nervousness and show them that I would be a wonderful option. My period started yesterday (of course) and I haven't had it for awhile because I had the implanon implant (whole different story DON'T GET THE IMPLANT). But I'm starting to feel better about my body and my self. I'm excited to move forward and feel more comfortable in my skin. I'm grateful I have a boyfriend, bestfriend and partner who accepts me for who I am. The real challenge is now accepting myself.

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This is my growth blog

Hi! Welcome to my growth blog, you can call me A. For now I will not be sharing my name or picture just for my own safety. I'm 20 years old, and I was in an abusive relationship for over a fifth of my life. On October 5th, 2017 I was diagnosed with PTSD. I decided that throughout my journey I wanted to document and share my thoughts, feelings, and ideas. I hope that if you've found yourself here you know that help is always available, you're never alone, it is not your fault and that I will be here for anyone that needs someone to listen.

I am just starting professional treatment from being attacked by my abuser just over a year ago. I am just starting my growth, somewhere new and safe. With someone who is new and safe. I've got a lot to work on, but I'll get there.