huilianwrites

[huilianwrites]

Here’s a little rant about this whole COVID-19 situation. I read somewhere that historians from the future would love it if more people write about what’s going on on a day-to-day basis, especially in times like this (hi future historians! *waves*), and I do think it’s useful for me to let some of these thoughts out instead of just keeping them all to myself, so here’s a little rant. 

The COVID-19, or the coronavirus disease of 2019, apparently, became really pronounced around the Chinese New Year of 2020. I’m Indonesian of a Chinese descent, but now I’m studying in a university in Canada. So, at the start, I was just, okay, whatever. It’s spreading in China, and there’s a few cases in Canada because people travel to their hometown in China during Chinese New Year and come back, no big deal. They can lock down the city, and keep people who do have it and have traveled back to wherever they live in quarantine and nothing big will happen. Oh boy was I wrong. 

My friends started joking about the coronavirus at first. It’s really not a big deal for us in Canada, and we have much, much bigger concerns, like finishing our problem sets and our next midterm. So they started joking about it, and I didn’t think anything of it other than noticing how my brother can’t go back to university in Hong Kong because they are closing the universities there. Oh, and let’s not forget, my brother hasn’t been in school for a couple months because of the riots of Hong Kong, and now he can’t even go back. People were joking about how the Chinese government develops this virus to end the Hong Kong riots. 

Then, as things started to get worse, racism happened. Yay. As I said, I’m of Chinese descent, so I look Chinese, Even if I don’t, I’m Asian, and people started to suspect EVERY SINGLE ASIAN PERSON to have the virus. At this point I haven’t even left Canada in months, because the flight time home, even for winter break, is horrendous, and if I had the virus it would be because someone gave it to me in Canada, which means the odds of you getting it is about the same as me getting it. It reaches a point where I’m scared of coughing in public, because people will then think I have the virus. 

Not to mention that I’m still monitoring how things goes in Indonesia, since it is my country. Until months after the outbreak happened, there is no single case in Indonesia. And people started to think that it’s because Indonesia just doesn’t have the capabilities of testing for the virus. Like, are you kidding me? I’m all about criticizing how the Indonesian public health system is, but you don’t have a leg to stand on by saying how Indonesia is a possibly dangerous country to get infected with COVID-19 when you already have the cases of COVID-19 in your own country. Yes, I’m talking to you, Australia and Singapore. Shut up, and deal with the people in your own countries. 

But then, of course, things don’t just stop there. More and more cases started to sprout up, and with it, of course, more and more misinformation. Theories about how the COVID-19 is about China developing this virus to take over the world. Like what? And things about deaths because of COVID-19, people spreading panic, and of course, because of smartphones and social media, people who have no idea how to filter information spreads this information even further. Unfortunately, many of my families are amongst them. There are so many misinformation about the virus, but people are not getting the most important information about all of it, which is to WASH YOUR HANDS! They talk about wearing masks, which, does not really help unless you’re already sick and trying not to infect people. Some people wear the N95 respirator, but they don’t do it properly, and leave gaps between their faces and the mask. Some people went further and wore googles and gloves on top of the respirator. 

Then things start to get even worse. Italy started to lock down, along with many other countries. The primaries in the US became disrupted because a lot of people got the virus. Indonesia finally had its first case, and the numbers grow exponentially. People are starting to get really scared. 

Students start to petition universities to shut down, because 500 students in one room is prime breeding ground for an infectious disease. WHO finally decided to call this a pandemic, which, I’m still bitter about because they only do it once European and American countries started to get lots of cases. But I guess for WHO the definition of a pandemic is the worldwide spread of a new disease. (And the WHO only considers the world to be Europe and America anyways, but that’s my own thoughts and another discussion.) 

Finally universities started closing, including my own. All my classes went online in a VERY short time. I applaud all my professors who had to figure out how to went from face-to-face instructions to online classes in a span of about two days. And they managed to make the best of this situation too. Cheers to you, profs! (I’m aware that this has not been the case for a lot of students, and I’m sorry to hear that.) 

Canada declared emergency, and all events are canceled, including a lot of performances. The National Ballet of Canada canceled their performance of Romeo and Juliet, which I’m kind of looking forward too. All of the dance crews in my university also postponed or canceled their performances, including my own. We had two big performances scheduled at the end of the semester, and both of them got canceled. My friends who are in performing arts programs got it the worst though. Their year-end performances, which they must have been working on for months, got canceled. I can’t even imagine how disappointed they are. Even I’m already disappointed, and I only dance as a side.

Then famous people started to test positive for COVID-19, including Canada’s prime minister’s wife. Actors and athletes started to test positive. Though, there’s weird and insensitive things that’s happening. First of all, since the COVID-19 mortality rate for people under the age of 60 is not high, a lot of young people thought this is not really a concern for them and continue their travels and parties anyways. Even if you don’t get infected, other people might come in contact with you and then THEY can get infected. And the parties? Come on, people are dying and getting sick. Once classes got canceled a lot of my friends spent the entire weekend partying. You do realize that classes do not end, right? They just got moved online? 

Secondly, people started to hoard things. Toilet paper, for once. That one was weird. I don’t know why people want to hoard toilet paper. But then they start to also hoard food and soap and hand sanitizer. Apparently a guy bought 10,000 bottles of hand sanitizer. That is super weird and insensitive. Why would you even need 10,000 bottles of hand sanitizer? 

But there’s good things happening too. There’s a video online that’s basically just a bunch of Italians, singing from their balconies because they can’t go outside. There’s also news about how people are donating things to the communities impacted by the COVID-19. And the little things, like people offering to do stuff like grocery shopping for the people most at risk. This COVID-19 also shows how deeply rooted capitalism is, and this made a lot of people to start to notice how capitalism is not an inherent part of human nature. 

There’s this thread online about how the COVID-19 is like a trial run for climate change, which, I sort of agreed. Governments stopped for COVID-19. They change their behaviors and stuff. They could have done that for climate change too, but they don’t, because climate change does not really affect them as a person. I guess that’s too general, but COVID-19, a virus, can literally hit even the most powerful person on earth. It has hit famous actors and athletes. It has hit the prime minister of Canada. They see it happening and they know that it can hit them too. So they act. While for climate change, they see it happening but they don’t care because it doesn’t affect them. They are not the ones starving because of climate change. They are not the ones having to relocate again and again because of climate change.

Someone online (and don’t you see a pattern about how I’m taking information online?) wrote about how most young people are so nonchalant about this disease. And in part, I guess it’s because of how the risk for younger people are lower, but also because the younger people have been fighting against imminent end of the world for years now. We know that the world would die if we continue to act the same. This is just another part of it. 

Anyways, I thought that even though universities are closing, residences would not. At least not my residence because my university has a lot of international students. But a couple of days in, my dining hall started to only offer take out meals, and I had a sudden realization that this is going to get worse. So I called my parents and asked them whether or not I should go home. I really do not want to be stranded on a country, thousands of miles across from my own country where I have no family. I called them, I booked the ticket (while arguing with my father because he doesn’t think I should), and then started packing. I booked the ticket on Tuesday for a flight home on Wednesday, so I literally only have hours to pack my entire room. I went to grocery stores to ask for cardboard boxes to put my stuff in, and ended up taking one from the dumpster because none of their cardboard boxes are big enough. I arranged for a storage company to come pick up my stuff, but because everything is very short notice, I couldn’t get them to come when I’m still there, so I had to ask my friend to hold it for me until the storage company can come pick up. And then, on the afternoon, there’s an email saying that residences will be closed on Saturday. Wasn’t it lucky that I had booked a flight home before hand? 

Oh, and even throughout this, people are still dissing Indonesian government’s ability to handle the crisis. My friends, who are also Indonesian, talk against going home because they don’t trust the Indonesian health care system. Bitch, I also don’t trust the Canadian health care system, and there are more cases in Canada anyways. So they decided not to go home, but then residences started to close and then I had no idea whether they all decide to go home or not. But for the most part, they had families in Canada, and some of them had families in the US. So I guess they could go there. I’m still offended about them not trusting the Indonesian health care system though. What is it about people and not trusting Indonesia? They are Indonesian citizens. It’s people like them who made Indonesia stuck in this weird limbo of being a developing country. And don’t even mention people from Malaysia and Singapore, and how they look down on Indonesia. But that’s another rant that I will maybe write with better sources. 

Anyways, so I packed my entire life in two suitcases, a duffle bag, a backpack, and three boxes in the span of several hours. Then emailed my profs because I have two (TWO!) midterms in the days that I will be traveling. Thankfully they are very accommodating. I started my 20+ hours of flight, plus and additional 10 hours on transit. 

It’s super weird to be in a flight with people all panicking about the COVID-19. I saw people wiping every single surface down with wet wipes before the flight. They double on masks and wear goggles. Some even wore hazmat suits. As for me, I know that I shouldn’t touch my face, so what I do is I wore make-up. Normally I don’t wear make-up on a daily basis, but if I had eyeliner on, I’m not going to touch my eyes for fear of smudging that off. Same with lipstick. That worked for me, including in the hours of flight that I went through. I also wash my hands plenty, until my skin felt like they’re cracking off because of how dry they are. 

In airports, there are officials who checked everyone’s temperature with the laser thermometer. And in one of the flights everyone had to wear a mask. That was such a weird experience. And then there are forms I had to fill when I land, specifying where I had been and where. All of this experience is so surreal. 

And then I got home, and my dad started to tell me to go shower, yada yada. Then he put all my stuff out in the sun, and told me that I shouldn’t meet with my grandmother for a while. All of which I know. And then he started JOKING. HE STARTED JOKING. He jokes about how I shouldn’t be allowed to come into his room, and how after I touch something then other people shouldn’t touch it. Like, that’s the hill you wanted to die on? THAT? I’m super pissed. I am perfectly aware that I should self-quarantine for 14 days, but that’s not how you go about doing it, FATHER. That’s just plain rude. 

It’s like he doesn’t even want me back home. Like how I should have just stayed in Canada. Fuck you, Father. Fuck you very much. If you don’t want me home, then you should have said before I fucking book the tickets. Now I’m just swearing, but fuck you very, very, very much, Father. 

And that ends my rant about this whole COVID-19 situation for now. It’s 5 whole pages of unorganized ranting. Let’s see how much of this rant I would have in the next couple of days. 

Peace out, Huilian

[huilianwrites]

2019 Reflection

It’s the end of the year! And the end of the decade, but I’m not going into that. The end of the year is enough for me. I want to reflect on my 2019 new year’s resolution: see what I achieved, what I didn’t, and why I did or didn’t achieve it. So here it is!

1. Read the Bible

Yeah, this one is a no. I didn’t manage to read it from the beginning to end this year, and it likely didn’t help that I went to university in the middle of the year. But even before that, I hadn’t been reading the Bible like I did before, religiously every night. Maybe this is a sign that I am straying? I don’t know. I likely won’t put this as a resolution for 2020, just because I know I won’t be able to actually do it. 

2. Meditate (5 minutes a day)

I tried, I really did. I did well for like, three months, then the end of high school got the better of me, so I stopped, but got back into it again for like another four/five months, but then as uni life got harder and harder I just stopped again. It’s okay-ish for me because this is better than last year, but I will try to do better again next year. Like, try not to have long periods of time when I didn’t do it at all. 

3. Be humble

Okay, this is a weird resolution, because I can’t actually quantify it. I wrote in the six ways to be humble by Mother Theresa (I think I cut out some of them, because I know I just can’t do it), but I don’t actually know whether I managed to do this one or not. I think I did better with the third one (on my list), which is to accept small irritations with good humor. I did better on this, I think. And the sixth one, which is to choose always the more difficult task, I think I did it like, half of the time, so it’s good enough for me because I used to do the easiest one I can get away with like, all of the time. 

4. Workout

Everyone has this on their new year’s resolution, no? I did okay on this, I think. I put in lifting heavy, and I did it during the summer holiday after high school graduation, and all the time in uni I had been going to the gym to lift heavy. Not that heavy, not yet, but I’m getting there! Swimming twice a month did not go so well. It went okay during the summer holiday, but at uni, yeah, it just did not happen. I swam like, twice in the course of four months. Will try to do better on this though. 

5. Read 1 book per month (3 are non-fiction)

I actually managed this! I read 13 and a half (let’s see if I finished the last one before new year came) books, 4 of which are non-fiction! I did even better on this because I wrote book reviews on this blog! I am actually very proud of this! It’s not really a book a month, because some months I read more books than other months, but that was not what I meant when I wrote this resolution. I actually meant reading at least 12 books this year, and I met that! I probably should word it like that though. 

6. Write 2500 words per month

I expected this to only be fic, because I didn’t plan on writing these kinds of blog posts at the beginning of this year, and I wrote 22517 words on fic, as of AO3 statistics. That translates to around 1876 words a month and counting all the other things I wrote, like all the book reviews, this blog’s entries, fic that I wrote not for AO3, I’m pretty sure I met the 2500 words per month limit. I’m good at this! (That’s not counting all the essays I did for high school and uni work. Yeah, I’m pretty sure I met the 2500 words per month mark.)

7. Practice violin twice a week

I did this for the first half of the year! Then after I went to uni I didn’t bring my violin, so this resolution is moot anyway. I plan to get a violin early next year, so I’ll put this again in my resolution for 2020. This was the ultimate test for my discipline back in the first half of this year because I’m not that good with the violin. Not like academics or dance, I actually have to struggle with violin to got to the place I am now. I have to force myself to practice because it was hard and sometimes I hate it. I had improved so much over this year because of the constant practice, that I am so glad I forced myself to do it. 

8. Mind what you eat

Would you believe that I am actually better at this in university with my meal plan? It’s so much easier to eat healthier when I am only eating for myself instead of trying to eat healthier with my whole family. My mom cooks, so I ate what was in front of me, no questions asked. But here at my dining hall, I actually eat much more vegetables and fruits than I did back home. The caveat is that there are cookies and treats every day in my dining hall and it’s so much harder to ignore those cookies when it’s there in front of you every day. Like, back home I would just not buy cookies and snacks, so there are no ‘bad snacks’ in my home, but here they make it anyways. Well, win some lose some, I guess? 

9. Spend time with friends and family

Again, like with the be humble one, I don’t know how to quantify this, so I don’t know if I managed to meet this resolution. I probably should write more quantified resolutions. But I did video-call my mom and dad most weeks here, and I made sure I check in on my friends periodically. I may have overlooked at the beginning of this year that I would actually be making many more friends this year, because going to uni. So I probably didn’t spend as much time with the new friends as I should have. That’s the one thing I haven’t done. 

10. Mandarin and French

God. I wanted to continue learning these two languages so bad, but I didn’t think I managed to improve in any of them. I did Duolingo almost every day for a couple of months, but then I forgot about it and just… nothing. I joined a language exchange club but I don’t think it improved my Mandarin or French a whit. That got me new friends though, so I’m not complaining. I asked my friends to talk to me in Mandarin, but we defaulted to English anyway. God. I really need to work on this. 

11. Care for yourself

Skin-care routine! Mental health! Pampering myself once in a while! I did actually establish a skin-care routine, so there’s that! My skin is better now, I think? Like it has fewer blackheads and stuff, and the big acnes only come once in a while. Mental health… probably yeah. The good thing about being here at UofT is that the culture is if you don’t feel like you can stay, you can just leave. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can leave. If you don’t want to stay, you can leave. There is no expectation of you staying until the end of the event. This did wonders for my mental state, because I’m an introvert, and I can just suddenly stop wanting to socialize. So this blanket permission to leave is really good for me. 

Memories of 2019! 

1. Going to Bali and Bandung with my friends after exams

Oh! These are amazing! To like actually go have a trip with my friends, especially after exams, when everything is done, just to have fun, this is amazing. Especially because after that we all went our separate ways to university. These were like the last hurrah. 

2. Prom! 

The chance to dress up? The chance to hang out with all my friends again? Oh, you bet this is an amazing memory!  I actually love dressing up, I just don’t want to do it on a daily basis, so to have an excuse to dress up is really amazing. 

3. Contemporary performance

We performed twice this year! Or at least, I did, because after that I went to university, so I didn’t get the chance to perform in the end-of-year performance. 

4. Internship

Remember my unpaid, full-time, internship? Yeah. I do too. It’s a bittersweet memory for me now, because I learned something from it, and I can put it in my resume, which made it look good (though I haven’t had any job offers yet…), but at the same time an unpaid, full-time internship? Like, I didn’t even get food allowance. Man, that is not a nice deal. 

7. Climate strike

I joined the climate strike! 

8. Snow

I lived with snow for the first time ever! This is going to be my first winter ever! I can tell that I’m going to have a love-hate relationship with it though. 

Important things of 2019!

1. I graduated high school! I can’t believe I survived those months full of exams and tests and every single shitty thing ever. I graduated! 

2. I went to university! I lived alone for the first time ever! There’s a lot of firsts this time around. But the gist of it is I went to university, without having ever been to the university grounds. I’m in UofT now, and I had never been to Canada before, much less UofT grounds. So, I just, came here for the very first time, and...never left. You know the phrase, fit your entire life to a 23 kg suitcase? Yeah, that is not easy, people. 

3. I got my first laptop! I’ve never had a laptop just for me before. I used to use the home computer, or like, the shared laptop that we have if we really need to take the laptop out. So having my very own laptop is quite an experience. 

4. I discovered so many more musicals. Like, I started with Hamilton, and slowly made my way to other musicals. Like, Be More Chill, Heathers, Waitress, Newsies, Rent, Six, The Lightning Thief, Hadestown, School of Rock, Beetlejuice, my playlists all slowly turned to broadway songs. They are so good, though. (On that note, In The Heights’ trailer is out! God I can’t wait for that movie)

So that’s my 2019! Have a happy new year, (can’t wait to go back to school), have a happy new decade, and don’t forget we’re back in the twenties now! 

[huilianwrites]

The Slow Dance of Infinite Stars

Book Title: Stardust

Author: Neil Gaiman

ISBN: 978-0-06-114202-4

Faeries market, held every nine years. A young man who traded a kiss for a snowdrop, and got a son out of it. A chained servant of a witch, longing to be let go of her chain. Another young man, some odd years later, who promised a falling star for a girl he loved, and found that he was more than what he believed he was, and that the journey there and back had changed him.

There is also a star who broke her leg when she fell, and finding herself a point of interest for many people, some who did not wish her well at all. Three brothers fighting for their father’s land and title. Three women who wished to find a star to take her heart, still beating, right out of her chest. A witch who mistreated her guest, and found herself mistreated in return. 

A menagerie of characters, all as interesting as the other. All as different as the other. With a tale that is somehow both a fairy tale and not, this book creates a new world that beckons people in. Once you are in, you will not want to be out. 

General

After Good Omens, I wanted to look for other Neil Gaiman books, and I had heard a lot about Stardust, and so I chose this. I was not mistaken in choosing this. This book reminded me why I love fantasy, with the tale of a young boy, Tristan, venturing to the faerie lands to find a fallen star that he had promised his love. But the journey there changed him, so that when he returned to where he came from, the home he had lived in for years did not seem to be the home he remembered. He grew out of his love for the girl, Victoria, not because Victoria had changed, but because Tristan himself had changed. A star, Yvaine, who fell from the sky, who hated Tristan because he chained her to him, who grew to love Tristan because of who he is. You should not fall in love with someone. You should grow to love someone. 

The three brothers who were fighting for their father’s land and title reminded me that land, title, and wealth are not all that matters. In the end, none of them managed to gain that title, because the key for that title was held in Yvaine’s hands, and it was her who can choose who to give it to. The three women witches reminded me that youth and beauty and power are not something you should strive to keep by violence to other people. A still beating heart of a star is not a price I am willing to pay to keep my youth and beauty, and it should not be something anyone is willing to pay either. 

The servant who turns out to be the daughter of the Lord of Stormhold. Be patient, because even the most impossible terms may someday be fulfilled. The star who is willing to give up her life because it would make her love happy. A young man who came back, having fulfilled his promise, to find the woman he promised it to to be engaged with another. The young man having enough kindness in him to not take advantage of it. 

Keep your word. Keep your promise. Be kind to people. Accept gifts and remember to thank them. Accept advice, but take them under your own consideration. And don’t forget, that fairy tales are a part of life too. 

Quotes 

Even as this is also a library book, I fear I won’t be able to do this justice with just my words, so here are some quotes from the book. 

1. He straightened his shoulders, placed the crystal snowdrop in the top buttonhole of his coat, nor undone. And, too ignorant to be scared, too young to be awed, Tristan Thorn passed beyond the fields we know… and into Faerie. (p.54)

2. “The little folk dare anything,” said his friend. “And they talks a lot of nonsense. But they talks an awful lot of sense, as well. You listen to ‘em at your peril, and you ignore ‘em at your peril, too.” (p.97)

3. “... But you unchained her, and for that I will help you.” (p.142)

4. “My sisters called me Yvaine,” she told him. “For I was an evening star.” (p.173)

5. Adventures are all very well in their place, he thought, but there’s a lot to be said for regular meals and freedom from pain. (p.178)

6. “Better I should call to people who aren’t there than that people who are there should miss us because I didn’t say anything. (p.178)

7. It has occasionally been remarked upon that it is as easy to overlook something large and obvious as it is to overlook something small and niggling, and that the large things one overlooks can often cause problems. (p.212)

8. For these things have their rules. All things have rules. (p.235)

9. Have been unavoidably detained by the world. Expect us when you see us. (p.246)

10. They say that each night, when the duties of state permit, she climbs, on foot, and limps, alone, to the highest peak of the palace, where she stands for hour after hour, seeming not to notice the cold peak winds. She says nothing at all, but simply stares upward into the dark sky and watches, with sad eyes, the slow dance of the infinite stars. (p.248)

[huilianwrites]

Dear thirteen year old me,

I know how you feel right now. You're feeling that you don't have any friends at all, and you're feeling lonely as hell. A new school, with new ballet class. Not to mention you're trying so very hard to lose weight and trying to adjust to waking up hella early in the morning, and going to school in the same car again as your brother. You're going to laugh at a lot of the things I am going to tell you, and to be honest, I would laugh too, only knowing what I knew then. 

You're going to meet people who are going to teach you what being a friend means. You are going to meet dozens of people who are going to be with you in the next six years of your life, in school or not. They are going to be the friends you have only dreamed of having before. You will love them with all your heart, and you will feel like you have lost a limb when you are finally separated from them. 

Remember the one friend you have from kindergarten? You and her will go on your separate ways, she hers and you yours, and there will be more things that are different with you two than are the same. You are friends anyway. History like that are too much to ignore, and different people can still be friends. Remember that other friend you had since kindergarten? You will meet her again, and you will be with her again, but you will see the differences that your different paths have forged you into. That is okay. You are friends anyway. Sometimes that differences matter, but often enough they do not. 

You will feel that you are unequipped to deal with school. Right now you are just finding your footing in school, and in doing the summaries. Do you know that those summaries will be the thing you are characterized the most by the time you graduate? You will have helped hundreds of people with those, and making that will feel almost as easy as breathing by the end of high school. I know you are frustrated right now, and when people ask for your summaries you will feel unsure to give them or not,  not because you don't want to share them, but because you are afraid that they would see you as thinking you are too good for them. You needn't have worried. They will love you for it. Besides from that, those summaries will be the thing keeping you alive and well throughout high school, and I'm pretty sure they are the reason your grades are going to be as good as it will be. 

You will learn discipline, and it will be very fucking hard to do it at first. You will learn to study every single day, and you will learn how to manage and divide your work into manageable things. You will learn journaling, you will learn task managing, and you will learn to do things you schedule for that day, no matter how hard it is. It will be hard, and then it will get easier, and then it will get hard again. You will be glad you learned it at an early age anyway. 

Right now you are still high from reading. You are high at finally being at the level to read things you have always wanted to read. That high will slowly disappear as you get busier and busier in life, and then it will come back. You will learn to love books again, only this time there are other things you also love, like TV shows and comics. You will laugh here, but trust me when I say you will absolutely love those comics, and you will absolutely love those TV shows and movies continuations. (Oh, the Percy Jackson series will have its sequel, and then another sequel, and then another series that is set in that universe. You will love them too, but you will also love other things.)

The same thing with reading, you are in a high of writing right now. It will ebb and flow, this high for writing, but I assure you it will be there again. In just a couple years you will produce a 200 page book analysis that you have spent countless hot and wet hours in front of the computer for. It will be glorious; it will be hell. You will love it anyway and do two more book analysis for competitions. You might even won them. That fanfiction account of yours? You will see the site blocked, and you will lose the spirit to write those. You will find new platform to write anyway, and you will refound that love of writing. Give it a few years. 

I know you are struggling in ballet. I know you are thinking about quitting ballet. Being in a class not with the people you have known since you were little children can be daunting, no? Especially when you are the worst in that class when you are so used to being the best, or at the very least, part of the good. Stick with it. This is something you must learn. How to struggle through things. How to get back up. How to motivate yourself. How to catch up with the rest. You will move class again in a couple of months. You will learn all of that again. You will be a better dancer than you ever was before, and exposed to so many new things. You even get to do a solo in a production! It is hard, I know, but stick with it. You will emerge seeing dance in a whole new perspective and loving it more because of that, too. You will find that you cannot imagine a life without dancing. 

Your life path will change. Remember how you always thought you are going to be a doctor? Well, that changed. Med school was not something you wanted to do, afterall. You will find that you are better in other things, and that you love those more. My guess on why you were so confident that you are going to be a doctor? It’s that you love science so much, and the only occupation you know about and that you could imagine yourself doing is being a doctor. You will find that there are other occupations that uses science, and you will find that you like those more. That is okay. You would have hated med school anyways. 

You will grow to love skirts, and you will grow to love make ups. You will enjoy sewing and knitting and crocheting and crafting. You will like the color pink again, even though it would never be your favorite color. You will wear heels and you will feel amazing wearing them. But you will also wear boots and sneakers and feel amazing wearing them too. But you will also love jeans, eventually, and you will love the feel of analytical tools in your hands. You will want to wear red lipstick, but you will also not want to wear any makeup whatsoever. You are all those things, and that is perfectly okay. 

You will care about so much more things in life, and you will find you care less about other things. That is okay. You will find your opinions and thoughts be influenced by other things you came to know, and that’s okay too. You will change your stance in things. That is perfectly fine too. People grow, and people change, like I’ve said before. 

I am going to tell you a little secret. You will one day think that a -1C weather is not that cold. You will one day miss the ragtag group of friends you never imagined you will have the opportunity to have. You will one day get a truly horrendous mark and not think anything about it. You will do things you have never imagined, and you will succeed too. But sometimes you will fail, and that is also okay. 

I’m rambling now, because this is not where this letter should have gone. I looked at you as if I’m superimposing who I am now. But darling, you will do so many great things, that I can promise you. I hope I will continue it too.  

Love, your 18 year old self. 

[huilianwrites]

Longing

Book Title: The Handmaid’s Tale

Author: Margaret Atwood

ISBN: 978-0-7352-5330-8

In a new government called Gilead, a woman finds herself in a role despised by most of Gilead’s inhabitants. A handmaiden, whose job is to provide children to Commanders who cannot get children from their wives. In this new government, children are the most precious commodity, and women are only valued by their ability to provide these children. The handmaids were women who had committed transgressions in the past, and this providing of children to those who might not have them otherwise are their penance. 

This book follows Offred, a name that is not her own as it signifies her belonging, ‘of Fred’, as she does her last posting as a handmaid. We go back and forth on her story of how things are happening now, how things had been before, and her longing and somehow unlonging of these things before. We follow her as she does her routine as a handmaid, only for it to get disrupted because her Commander wanted more from her. He wanted companionship and opinions, and Offred could not, did not, reject. As this happened, more disruption appear as Serena Joy, the wive of Offred’s Commander, offered Offred to have sex with their chaffeur, Nick. Handmaids are not supposed to have sex with anyone except their commander, and even then only at their most fertile for the express intention of having children. This is a transgression, but Offred went along with it to see a photo of her daughter that she had before Gilead, and eventually to find companionship herself in Nick, even as she compared it to the companionship and love she felt before with her husband. In the end, Serena Joy found out about Offred’s time with the Commander, and Offred was taken away by people, led by Nick. She did not know whether or not this means death or life. 

General

It was an experience, reading this book. I have more or less heard about this book from somewhere in the internet, and so when I found this on the library, I took it and borrowed it. It felt so intimate, reading this book, because it was more or less Offred’s diary. She was not allowed to read and write, as women in Gilead was not allowed words, so it was said that this was a recording of her story. Gilead is a society that exaggerate our own society’s faults; it was what we could have become, and still can become if we forget ourselves. The descent into this society was gradual, and each step seemed like a logical outcome of the previous one. It would have taken just one step for our society to turn into something like this, and even though this book was written in 1985, it is still very real today, or even more real today. It started with a ‘war’ and ended up in a dystopian society. 

Having said that, it was also encouraging to see that within this society, there are still people who are willing to help. People who are willing to fight. People who are willing to risk themselves for others. From the people who were described in the beginning of the book as having been hanged for fighting against the government, to the Mayday community, to those who fought as their own faith had commanded them to fight, there are still people who are willing to do so. It may be because of their morals and faith, it may be because of their desperation, it may be because they do not want to surrender to this regime, but there are still people who fight. And even though it would seem that this fight is not enough, that there are always people who will betray them, who will use them to their own advantage, it was still encouraging to see people fighting for something, because it was something that this world, today, needed to see. People are fighting, both in fiction and in real life right now, and that in itself is something we must take care to always have. 

There is also the distrust, but at the same time trust, to people in their community. Who can tell which is which? We see this from Offred’s interactions with Ofglen, the handmaid pair she has been assigned to. Who can you trust, and who should you distrust? It is a question that will haunt you until the end of your days, even here. The people you trust might end up breaking it, maybe of their own volition, but also maybe because they were forced to do so. The people you distrust may end up being the one you trust most of all. It was something that this book explores in depth, who can and can’t you trust. Even in the end, when Offred was taken away, she chooses to trust, because what else could she do? She took this promise of Nick to heart.

Longing is also another big theme in this book. Offred longed for words, because it was denied for her now. She thought of times when she consumed words aimlessly, not savouring what a privilege it was to read and write. Now that she cannot do that, she clung to every written word she could have. The embroidered cushion with the word ‘Faith’ written on it. The carved words in her bedroom, the one that she took with her everywhere. The nights of playing scrabble and reading magazines in her forbidden time with the Commander. She savoured this now, because it is denied to her. 

Of course, Offred has other kinds of longing. Her longing for her child and husband. Her longing for the way things were before, but at the same time fear of it going back to the was it was, because she herself was a different person now. She could feel herself forgetting how it was before, yet willing herself to remember. 

Choice was also explored in this book. It shows how what we are and what we do everyday is a choice. We can choose to do something as well as we can choose not to do something. It was our choice every single time whenever we did something. 

The way this book is structured, with Offred going back and forth between her experiences now and her experiences from before was surprisingly not confusing. Normally I hate books that goes back and forth, because I feel like I need to pay enough attention to what is going on to fully understand it, instead of just letting it wash over me. But this book does not do that, surprisingly. I read this over the course of weeks (midterm season), but I still follow what is going on clearly. It’s amazing how this book grabs you and simply won’t let you go. 

Things I Learned

No quotes this time, because this is a library book and I cannot in good conscience underline it, and I am too lazy to do it with post-its, but here’s some of the things I learned. 

1. Savour the things you have. 

Offred did not use to savour words, but now that it is restricted to her, she savoured each and every single written word she could find. From scrabble, a game that she used to dislike, to carvings on her bedroom, she now savours that. It reminded me that even though I could and should work towards better things, work towards improving myself, I shouldn’t lose sight of what I have and I should still be grateful for it and savour it as much as I could. 

2. There is always a way.

It was said in the book that every single way that a handmaid can kill herself have been eliminated. But somehow some managed to do so anyway, including Ofglen. Offred herself knew about ways she could do it, and contemplates about doing it. I did not think that people should kill themselves, but this shows that even in the bleakest situations you can find a way. There is always a way. 

3. People scorn things that they do not identify with. 

It shows in how the Wives, Marthas, and Econowives scorn the handmaids. In the middle of their own suffering (because even the Wives, Marthas, and Econowives suffer too. It was just in another way than the handmaids), they grasp at this symbol of someone who have it worse than them, or else someone who they can all detest together. They scorn them, and they detest them. It was a way of coping. It does not make it right.

[huilianwrites]

Seven Things I Learned in the First Seven Weeks of Uni

I wanted to post this after six weeks of university, because it marks exactly one half of my first semester here, but things happen, and so enjoy seven things I learn in my first seven weeks of uni. Because apparently university is full of deadlines and stress. But isn’t that all life, anyway. 

1. Getting to know new people is exhausting, but it’s worth it

Meeting new people can be exhausting. Going to uni with no friends going to the same uni? Doubly exhausting. Practically every single person I met in the last seven weeks are new people to me. It’s exhausting trying to juggle all the names and faces and where I met all of them. It’s exhausting having to spend mental energy to introduce myself to someone, and waiting for the dreaded judgement that would definitely come. It’s not just exhausting, but also frustrating, to be left out of certain groups. But as time went on (seven weeks of it), I realized that those people who left me out from their group, I didn’t really want to hang out with anyway. The people that I want to hang out with, that I want to actually spend my time with, is there with me, and making that new connection to people has been more than worth it. Most of the people here are also like me, going from knowing no one to hopefully knowing enough people to form a friend group practically by the end of the week. It’s just a matter of finding the right people whom you can connect with. Besides, now I get more than enough materials for stories for my friends and family back home, so it’s going to be very entertaining to tell these stories.

2. Bureaucracy can be frustrating

I’m pretty sure that everyone knows this, but really, bureaucracy is extremely frustrating. I kept getting shuffled from one office to another whenever I want to ask for something, or get something done. Getting my midterms rescheduled because I have a class conflict is a pain to handle, and I hope I do not have to do that again, but I definitely will have to do it again. I went from emailing my professor, to reading the syllabus (It’s in the syllabus. Not really!!), to going to the course administrator who is, it turns out, different than the course coordinator! It’s just a pain to go through that bureaucracy, and wasting time going from one office to another, only to get reshuffled to another office. I get why they would do that, because they need people concentrating on just one thing, but by god this is frustrating. And don’t think this is just the school bureaucracy. The student government bureaucracy can be hell to manage too, until I can’t even understand which student body represented whom. Practice for the ‘real world’ I guess, because apparently now my government forgot who they’re supposed to be representing! (Ignore this, this is just a part of my rant on my government. Moving on.) 

3. Crying is okay. 

Whoever suddenly decided that crying is not okay need to try it, because crying pretty much every week helped me go through this six weeks at uni. My biology teacher at high school once told my class that crying regularly helped clean out the basal tears in your eyes, and it needed cleaning, otherwise it’ll just stay there and do nothing. Besides, crying really helped get out my emotions, which is ranging from exhaustion of meeting new people, exhaustion of things to do, fear that this whole uni thing is not going to go well, and longing for home. It just released it all, and so by the end of my crying session, I could put all those emotions aside and actually do some work, instead of trying to hold all that emotions and end up doing no work at all. I now have a playlist of songs I could almost always cry to, and a bunch of stories that I could read and then cry, because sometimes just letting myself feel all that emotions wasn’t enough to cry (it has been repressed for too long). So yeah, cry your heart out. Cry alone in your room before bed, like I almost always do, or find someone you can cry to while they listen. It’s up to you whether you want to cry alone or in front of people you trust enough to cry in front of, but you need to cry sometimes instead of just bottling it in. 

4. Grasp opportunities

There is a LOT of opportunities around campus, that sometimes I have no idea whether or not I’ll have enough time to do all of them. And sometimes to do them you need to audition or register, and maybe you won’t be able to get it. Sometimes it’ll be open to all. Sometimes there are two opportunities at the same time and you just have to choose between them. Sometimes you have class at the time that event happen. It doesn’t matter. There will be more events eventually. There is always something happening in my campus that if I want to, I can walk around campus, find one, and just join in. There are the residences events, there are the student unions’ events, there are the programs’ events, there are clubs’ events, and there are events that are just there for the heck of it. Try to go to as much as you can, because you won’t regret it. Most of the best experiences I have in this six weeks (it’s only been six weeks, who am I to tell? But seriously) are from joining events that I have no idea what it is and are only there for the free food (there is a lot of free food on my campus. You just have to know where to find it). Go to events you never thought you’ll be interested it. If you don’t like it, at least you’ve tried it. If you do like it, hey, even better! Try classes (drop in classes are the best because they require virtually no comitment at all!). Try going to meetings you don’t feel like going to, because maybe you’ll find it interesting enough to go to regularly. Just try things. Uni is for trying things, right? 

5. Make your voice heard

I joined my first major strike in uni, and that is the climate strike happening across the world right now. I’ve always been an outspoken girl, but in university, with a class of over four, five hundred people, you can easily get lost. Make your voice heard, whether in class, or in issues you care about. (Climate change is a good one, if you’re looking for an issue to fight for). Ask for things. The worst thing they can do is say no. Advocate for yourself, because no one else is going to do it for you. Claim your needs and wants, and shout them to people (maybe not literally). Be, not just exist, because existing requires no input from you, and do you really want to spend the rest of your life like that? Make your voice heard in the middle of hundreds of other voices, and stand for them.

6. You will miss the ‘good old days’

When I was doing high school, I can’t wait for it to end. I count the days until I graduate. Now I actually miss it. Not the work nor the stress, but I miss the people and the familiarity of my school. I’ve spent six years in it, and it has become a safe space for me, even through all the stress. I know what awaits for me in high school, and I know how to handle that. University is all new. I go to university abroad, so literally everything is new. New friends, as mentioned above, new language to learn in, new surroundings, and even new weather that I had to get used to pretty quick. I knew all of this going in, and I deliberately chose this university because I want to go out of my comfort zone. I like doing that, but at the same time, I do miss the good old days when I know perfectly clear what is going on on a daily basis. Knowing that, I would probably miss these days too when I’m done with my undergrad, and so I will try to savour this experience as much as I can. 

7. Take the time to rest

You need the time to rest. I try to get a solid 7 hours of sleep each night, and honestly, I still feel sleep deprived. I think it’s because at high school, I spent a lot of time commuting and I could easily take a nap in the car, and now I either walk or take the train everywhere, so no napping for me anymore. But more than just sleep, you need to rest. Take the time to do things really unrelated to your program. Go out with your friends. I’ll admit I’m quite bad at this, because, once again, every friend I have here is new and I don’t want the mental effort to do that, but you have to let loose once in a while. You’ll come back refreshed, and if you’re refreshed, you’ll be able to do things much more efficiently than if you’re just trying to power through it anyway. Go get some rest! 

[huilianwrites]

Armageddon, or Not

Book Title: Good Omens

Author: Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett

ISBN: 978-0-06-085398-3

Armageddon has never been more funny. That is a nice and accurate description of this book. We follow the journey of Crowley, a demon who didn’t fall to hell, just sauntered vaguely downwards, and Aziraphale, an angel and part-time rare book dealer. Having spent millinea watching and living with humans, both Crowley and Aziraphale is now tasked to bring about armageddon. They were to raise the Anti-Christ, the son of Lucifer, and to make him be either on Heaven’s side, or Hell’s. 

That did not happen as planned. The Antichrist was not the one both Crowley and Aziraphale spent years trying to indoctrinate. He was an eleven-year-old named Adam, who is really, just an eleven-year-old who happen to be the son of Lucifer. Realizing what absolute disaster this is, both Crowley and Aziraphale tried to correct it. 

Along the way, Anathema, a descendant of Agnes Nutter, both of them a witch, was trying to decipher Agnes’ prophecies to know where, when, what, and how the end of the world will come to. Newton Pulsifer, a Witchfinder Private who became a witchfinder largely by accident, is trying to do his job when he crossed paths with Anathema, an occurence that of course, Agnes Nutter had prophesied. 

Armageddon was coming, like it or not, and the four horsepersons of the apocalypse was riding. Adam, the eleven-year-old Antichrist with his gang of four friends, were just going on their day when Adam turned into the Antichrist he was. Both Crowley and Aziraphale managed to get to the scene before the apocalypse actually happened, through different ways. They managed it in time to see Adam turn away the apocalypse, and helped Adam to stall the apocalypse. See, Adam was not good incarnate, nor was he evil incarnate. He was just human incarnate, and he wanted to stay alive in this earth, thank you very much. Crowley and Aziraphale, who were both quite fond of living amongst humans managed the feat of confusing both the voice of God, and the duke of Hell to convince them to stall the apocalypse. Of course, it couldn’t happen without Newt who managed to ‘fix’ the computer system that is going to cause armageddon. With Anathema watching behind. 

General

I may have forgotten several things, as I read this book months ago and only wrote this part now. But from what I can remember, I can confidently say that this book is fantastic (as you might all already know. After all, it was made into a mini-series and everyone was hooked on it). I know a lot of people were focused on the relationship between Crowley and Aziraphale, and it is fantastic. One of the best relationships I have read, and one of the best relationships in general (they were ‘together’ for millinea, come on). But let’s look at it another way. 

The way the book was written to show that prophecies do not always come true in ways you expect it to be. They will come true, especially the ones from Agnes Nutter, but even though you know they will come true, you won’t be able to guess how precisely they will be true. And it also shows that having this kind of power is a burden, instead of a gift. How would you feel being able to see far into the future, but not knowing the context of what is going on? You’ll feel that burden too. 

Still on Agnes Nutter, this book also tells the story about how Anathema goes beyond just being a descendant of someone. I really like the quote, “Do you want to be a descendant for the rest of your life?” Your ancestor might be someone really great, or even your parents might cast their shadows to you, but you must remember that your life is your own, and Anathema really shows how she claimed her life as her own at the end of the book. 

Claiming your life, is also another big thing in this book. Adam claimed his life to be more than just an instrument of armageddon. Anathema claimed her life as her own, as I’ve said before. Newton Pulsifer claimed his life to be more than just the Witchfinder Private that he was. And of course, Crowley and Aziraphrale claimed their lives to be more than what Heaven and Hell told them to be. 

Besides that, there is also the illustration of man’s free will. How we can use this to our detriment, or use this to our advantage. It was our choice, whether we like it or not. We have to choose. Adam chose to be human, and that choice practically saved all of the world. Everything can be changed by our choices, and that is why we must take care to not just choose the right choices, but to not infringe on other’s choices. 

I finished reading this book months ago, and didn’t have the chance to write this review until now, so I’m finishing this off here, with quotes that I love from this book underneath. Thanks! 

Quotes

And just when you’d think they were more malignant than ever Hell could be, they could occasionally show more grace than Heaven ever dreamed of. Often the same individual was involved. It was this free-will thing, of course. It was a bugger. 

Hell wasn’t a major reservoir of evil, any more than Heaven, in Crowley’s opinion, was a fountain of goodness; they were just sides in the great cosmic chess game. 

And precisely because she was a witch, and therefore sensible, she put little faith in protective amulets and spells; she waved it all for a foot-long bread knife which she kept in her belt.

“... You see, Agnes was the worst prophet that’s ever existed. Because she was always right. That’s why the book never sold.”

What the hell. If you had to go, why not go with style? 

Sometimes human beings are very much like bees. Bees are fiercely protective of their hive, provided you are outside of it. Once you’re in, the workers sort of assume that it must have been cleared by management and take no notice; various freeloading insects have evolved a mellifluous existence because of this very fact. Humans act the same way. 

“Think of it like this,” he said quietly. “Do you want to be a descendant for the rest of your life?” 

Then he said: “I don’t see why it matters what is written. Not when it’s about people. It can always be crossed out.” 

He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there never was an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it.

[huilianwrites]

Flowers Bloom, Until They Rot, And Fall Apart

I’ve just fallen down the rabbit hole of listening repeatedly to Hadestown soundtrack. Don’t mind me, this is just the 30 quotes I found in the short time I have listened to the soundtrack. I know there is still more of these beautiful quotes in Hadestown’s book, but here’s some of them. Shout out to my friend who introduced me to Hadestown. It’s revenge for introducing you to Hamilton, isn’t it?

He could make you see how the world could be In spite of the way that it is (All I’ve Ever Known)

Why do we turn away when our brother's bleeding? Why do we build the wall then call it freedom? If we're free, tell me why I can't look in my brother's eye (Chant (Reprise))

Why do we turn away instead of standing with him? Why are we digging our own graves for a living? If we're free, tell me why We can't even stand upright? If we're free, tell me when We can stand with our fellow man (Chant (Reprise))

Some flowers bloom where the green grass grows Our praise is not for them But the ones who bloom in the bitter snow We raise our cup to them (We Raise Our Cups)

Some birds sing when the sun shines bright Our praise is not for them But the ones who sing in the dead of night We raise our cups to them (We Raise Our Cups)

Dreams are sweet until they're not Men are kind, until they aren't Flowers bloom, until they rot, and fall apart (Flowers)

Is anybody listening? I open my mouth and nothing comes out Nothing, nothing can wake me now (Flowers)

If you ain't six feet underground You're living it up on top! (Living It Up On Top)

But let me tell you something that my mama said to me You take what you can get and you make the most of it (Living It Up On Top)

To the world we dream about And the world we live in now (Living It Up On Top)

Men are fools Oh, men are frail Give them the rope and they'll hang themselves (Word to the Wise)

I have no ring for your finger I have no banquet table to lay I have no bed of feathers Whatever promises I made I can't promise you fair sky above can't promise you kind road below But I'll walk beside you, love Anyway the wind blows (Promises)

Don't need a ring for my finger Just need a steady hand to hold Don't promise me fair sky above Don't promise me kind road below Just walk beside me, love Any way the wind blows (Promises)

I don't know where this road will end But I will walk it with you hand in hand I can't promise you fair sky above Can't promise you kind road below But I'll walk beside you, love Any way the wind blows (Promises)

I know you before we met And I don't even know you yet (All I’ve Ever Known)

Life ain't easy Life ain't fair A girl's gotta fight for her rightful share (When The Chips Are Down)

You can have your principles when you've got a belly full But hunger has a way with you There's not telling what you're gonna do When the chips are down (Gone, I’m Gone)

Wait for me, I'm coming Wait, I'm coming with you Wait for me, I'm coming too I'm coming too (Wait For Me)

Wasn't it gonna be the two of us? Weren't we birds of a feather? (Hey Little Songbird)

Come here, brother- let me guess: It's the little things you miss Spring flowers Autumn leaves Ask me, brother, and you shall receive (Our Lady of The Underground)

You might say he was naive- But this boy raised up his voice with his heart out on his sleeve (Papers (Intro))

But who are they to say what the truth is anyway? 'Cause the ones who tell the lies are the solemnest to swear (If It’s True)

If it's true what they say What's the purpose of a man Just to quit their workin' Just to throw up both hands What's the use of his backbone If he never stands upright? If he turns his back on everyone That he could've stood beside (If It’s True)

Just as long as I am your wife It's true the earth must die But then the earth comes back to life And the sun must go on rising (How Long)

Every coward seems courageous in the safety of a crowd Bravery can be contagious when the band is playing loud Nothing makes a man so bold As a woman's smile and a hand to hold But all alone his blood runs thin And doubt comes- doubt comes in (His Kiss The Riot)

The meanest dog you'll ever meet- He ain't the hound dog in the street He bares some teeth and tears some skin But brother, that's the worst of him Now the dog you really got to dread Is the one that howls inside your head It's him whose howling drives men mad And a mind to its undoing (Wait For Me (Reprise))

I'll tell you where the real road lies: Between your ears, behind your eyes That is the path to Paradise Likewise, the road to ruin (Wait For Me (Reprise))

I'm coming wait for me I hear the walls repeating The falling of our feet and It sounds like drumming And we are not alone I hear the rocks and stones Echoing our song I'm coming (Wait For Me (Reprise))

The coldest night of the coldest year comes right before the Spring (Doubt Comes In)

‘Cause here's the thing To know how it ends And still begin to sing it again As if it might turn out this time I learned that from a friend of mine (Road to Hell (Reprise))

[huilianwrites]

The Sum of Our Choices

Book Title: Beartown

Author: Fredrick Backman

ISBN: 978-1-405-93020-8

It started with hockey, and ended with hockey. Or not quite. But to get to the end, there were hundreds of little lessons that turned out to be not so little after all. 

With a town such as Beartown, hockey is the end all be all of it. The town survived because of hockey, and every single person in it had to love hockey. Either as a player, a coach, a former player, a sponsor, a parent, or just a spectator. Until there is those who don't love hockey. Until there is someone who wants to love hockey as a player but can only do it as a spectator, because Beartown is a hockey town, but it is a boy's hockey town. 

Hockey encased all aspects of Beartown residences life, until it didn’t. But at the same it, it still encased every aspect of life in Beartown, just in a differently. It’s just that the journey to make hockey being different in Beartown took a girl claiming back her fear of the dark;  a girl claiming back the wildness that is in her blood; several boys knowing what is right and what is not; and several sets of parents, with a few of them not in a set, realizing in their own ways that they cannot forever protect their children. 

General

At first, I thought this book is going to be a book about hockey. About the sport and about the players. I did not read this with much enthusiasm in the first chapters, because of the many confusing points of view and the plot that is just hockey, hockey, and hockey. I kept reading because the author makes such good lines about the struggle of sports, and about the nature of living in a nearly dead town, and the characters that are so well developed. It was a good thing that I kept reading, because it is a book about hockey, but it is full of other, beautiful things too. 

There was conflict between David, Peter, and Sune, all of them coaches in the Beartown hockey club, but all of them differing in coaching styles. All of them having deep respect to each other, but they cannot agree in the coaching. Add that with the board wanting to fire off Sune, because the A-team was not winning any games, but wanting it to seem like Sune walked off out of his own accord, because Sune had been coaching the team for longer than anyone can remember and no one wants a mess, I thought that this conflict is the center conflict in the book because of its all inclusiveness to all the characters. The added pressure happens because the junior team has to win this national semifinals, and then later the finals, because if they don’t then the town will die. It’s been dying for years, and this is the chance they have to keep it alive. If they win, then David will go up to being the coach for the A-team, and Sune will be ‘fired’. If they don’t, well, no harm in keeping Sune, because David does not prove himself capable of handling the A-team. This interaction really showcases the powers that be in a small town, how several people decide the life and death of hundreds of people. And this become a scale model on how a country, and even the world, really is. 

But then, not even halfway through the book, the junior team won the semifinals. It was unexpected for me. With David who had been coaching these boys for years until he became almost like a father to them, the whole team managed to beat the supposedly better opponent. Beartown junior hockey team has an ace, called Kevin. Kevin is the best player in the junior hockey team, and maybe even the best junior player in the country. He’s precise and perfect, because his father demanded so and his mother does not dare contradict his father. And besides, they have Benji, the sentinel always watching on Kevin’s shoulder, and Kevin’s best friend. 

And then you have Amat, the boy who’s been told repeatedly that he is not good enough, not strong enough, nor privileged enough to play at the junior team. Amat proved them wrong, while at the same time, proving that your circumstances is not all that is in your life. He’s the reason, other than Kevin and Benji, that Beartown manages to win the semifinals

You won’t know if it was the hockey and all the glory of being the star player, or the fact that Kevin has never been denied anything in his life, but on the celebration party at Kevin’s house (that his parents didn’t attend and pretend not to know about), Kevin took Maya to his room, and he raped her. He raped her. Ana, Maya’s best friend whose wildness has been slowly chipped away, felt trapped and ashamed, and she left Maya at Kevin’s house, despite the two of them having promised each other not to leave each other behind. Amat, being in love with Maya, walked in on Kevin raping Maya. 

Then, Maya chose to not say to anyone about Kevin raping her, because she didn’t want anyone else to get hurt. And Ana, who had felt ashamed about leaving Maya, and now angry at her behalf, asked her to tell. Maya did, just before the junior team’s finals. 

The junior team lost. If they had won, maybe the town could have been kinder to Maya, but they lost. They lost because Kevin was not there, despite the team and David’s best efforts. And everyone thought that Maya was just calling for attention, that Maya was asking for it, that Maya was the one wanting to have sex, but then she had second thoughts. Peter, being both the General Manager of the hockey club and Maya’s father, felt that this was on him, because hockey was there every single step of Kevin’s life. Kira, Maya’s mother, who sacrificed her chance of an amazing career in law, was furious. They both felt that it should be the other way around, that Kira should be devastated and Peter furious, but what they don’t know is that they both felt the same way, it just manifested differently. 

I really felt the way Backman wrote about rape, and its consequences, is shockingly realistic. Because the boy is an accomplished athlete, it was not her future that was ruined, it was his. And then his future was not even ruined at all, because Kevin had a father who would do anything to keep it that way. Maya’s word was not believed, except by the ones closest to her, and everyone blamed her for the ‘incident’. In the end, it was because Amat chose to stand his ground and do the right thing that most people believed that Kevin raped Maya. Maya’s word did not stand a chance against Kevin, but Amat’s did. 

In the end, Benji was also faced with an impossible choice. To stand by Kevin and move to Hed, a next door town which all the sponsors that used to be for Beartown will move after the incident, or stand his ground and stay at Beartown. David was also faced with an impossible choice, but not really, because all the best thing for him is in Hed. Maya, after the police dropped the investigation, was also faced with an impossible choice: to kill herself, or to kill Kevin. They all made the right choice, in my opinion. Benji stayed in Beartown. Maya killed Kevin’s courage in the dark, and in the end, it was all that made the difference. 

This book is so good to me, because it covers so many aspects. There is the sports aspect, where people train and fight their whole lives just to have that fleeting moment, either on the field, in the rink, or on the stage. There is the parenting aspect, where the parents realised that in the end, they cannot protect their kids and must let them make their own choices in the world. There is the rape, in which Backman handles with exquisite care. There is the making of choices, who to believe, and what was the right thing to do. There is the matter of Beartown being a hockey town, but only boy’s hockey, and having a girl team being made at the end of the book really closes the whole loop. There is even the matter of people being gay, and keeping it a secret from everyone they know. It was so many good things in under 500 pages, that I was actually disappointed when the book ends. 

They way Backman wrote it is also incredible. He manages to cover all that, yet still maintain a style of writing that made you wanting for more. 9/10 would recommend this book, and I’m so thankful that my brother brought this book home. 

What I Learned

1. The right choice is there, you just have to make it

This book is all about choice. Kevin’s choice to not stop. Amat’s choice to speak up. Benji’s choice to stand his ground. Maya’s choice to not kill Kevin or herself. And that’s just saying a few. There is always, always the right choice, even though sometimes it may not be the easy choice or even the one you like. You just have to choose to make the right choice, or not. It’s really up to you. 

2. Make your own choice

Still on the topic of choices, this book tells me that I have to make my own choice. I can’t just follow the crowd, or even follow what my parents told me to do. My choice is my own, and no one else can make them for me. The outcome of those choices, whether it be good or bad, is mine to live through. Because I’m the one who will live it, I must make my own choice. It’s the same lesson for parents, who need to learn how to let their kids make their own choices. Since I am not yet a parent, I will leave it at that and move on.

3. Friends are there for life, until they are not

There is this line in the book, ‘There is no friend like the friend you have at fifteen’. Ana and Maya, Kevin and Benji. That is just two of the many friendships written in this book. Your friends are for life. You may drift apart from them, or you may not really understand them anymore, but the friends you make, if they are true friends, will stay with you for life. Until you make a choice to not be their friend anymore. Until one of you did something the other cannot forgive nor understand, and you stopped being friends. Friends are there for life, when they are true friends.

4. Be ready for opportunities

Amat was not privileged. Amat was younger than the rest of the junior team, and smaller too. But he was picked to play with the junior team, because when opportunities come, when Sune saw how good he was, and David saw it too, he was invited to join the junior team. At first he was just the sacrificial lamb, but it doesn’t last. He showed to the team and David just how good he was, how he had trained every morning before everyone else showed up, and that is what really made him be a part of the junior team. 

5. Being in a crowd does not mean you are right

This speaks for itself. Being in a crowd, does not guarantee you being right. Again, make your own choice. 

Quotes

And there’s one thing you need to know: desire always beats luck.

The only thing the sport give us are moments. But what the hell is life, Peter, apart from moments?

And that’s a terrible thing. Having to keep a secret from those you love.

For me, culture is as much about what we encourage as what we actually permit.

Words are not small things.

What is a community? It is the sum total of our choices. 

You’ve never been alone. You just need to be better at choosing the company you keep. 

[huilianwrites]

7 Things I Learned Making Summary Sheets

In the six years I went to middle and high school, I made summary sheets for practically every single test. (Excepting the ones that don’t need the summary sheets, like math or physics. And even then when the physics is theoretical, I still made them.) Then, I shared those summary sheets to everyone in my class. Everyone. And then everyone basically only studies from that. People keep asking me why I want to share those labour filled summary sheets to all of my friends. They asked if I got money for it. I don’t, but here’s what I did get. 

1. I learned how to learn

Everybody learns differently from each other. From making these summaries, I realized that my learning style is to take everything I have learned, and make it into something with structure. I received information in a very unstructured way. I could learn something, and connect it with something completely different. It’s good for receiving information, I can memorize a lot by doing that, but to utilize that information? Not so much. So I need to create structure so that I can retrieve that information, and use it to analyse things, to answer questions, and everything else. That structure is created in my mind when I make these summary sheets. People keep asking me when I got the time to create them, but usually, what they don’t know is that making these summary sheets is studying for me. It’s pretty effective, too. I understood, like, at least 75% of things when I finished the summary sheets. It’s just that 25% left. 

2. It costs nothing to share knowledge

You literally have nothing to lose by sharing your knowledge. Literally nothing. People ask me why I want to share this thing I made after a lot of hard work and time, but I lost literally nothing. Not even time, because even if I didn’t share it, I would have still made it. I made it for me first, then I share the finished product. It just so happens that my friends thought that my summary sheets are neat and they can study from them. It costs me nothing to share them. Everytime I think of this, I think of the illustration of a candle giving light to other candles. It costs the first candle nothing, because it would still have the fire even after it gave it to others, but it meant everything for the second candle. It costs nothing for you to share your knowledge, but it can mean everything to the person receiving that knowledge. 

3. Typing

Because my handwriting is horrendous when I write for prolonged periods of time, I ended up typing these summary sheets. I started  with a truly depressing typing speed. I can spend around an hour typing a page, and that’s just typing. Not counting the searching for information and wording it. Now, I can type pretty fast, around 50 words a minute. It’s well above the average. Pretty good for someone who has a typing speed not even 20 words per minute when I started. Besides, now typing is a very valuable skill, and I’m glad I learned how to do it well before I even started my career. Plus, because I learned it by typing things for hours and hours, it’s free of charge! (In money, anyway. Not in time.)

4. How to prioritize

Prioritizing is a really important skill that everybody should learn. And I especially learned it while making these summary sheets. This is the kind of work that can't be done the night before the test, because then I won't be able to study them, and neither can my friends. And besides, it can take hours to make one summary sheet, especially the biology one, with all the diagrams and pictures. Aside from prioritizing, I learned how to divide things to bite sized pieces, because when I can't spare several hours at once to make these summary sheets, I normally would say to myself, okay, on Monday I do it until subchapter 3, then on Tuesday until subchapter 5, and so on. It's a very frustrating thing to be asked about my summary sheets whenever finals come around, especially when I'm done making them but haven't gotten around to sharing them, but it really helped me learn how to prioritize things.

5. Kindness will make friends for you

I have lost count how many people became my friend because I shared my summary sheets. And I have lost count how many times I turned to them for help. Kindness does make friends. It might seem a bit transactional, but I didn’t start to share my summary sheets to get favors from other people. I just felt comfortable asking for them because these people, in retrospect, have become my friend. I had an epiphany on my graduation ceremony, because I realized that I have so many friends that are close to me. A very far cry from my childhood self, who had a period in time where she does not have any friends she could call for help at all. Now I have a plethora of them, and I would be very happy to help them too. Kindness is a basis for trust, which is a basis for friendship. It’s a lesson I valued very much, and had changed my life, definitely for the better. 

6. If you are to be known for something, it’s best to be known for something good.

When I graduated high school, my graduating class made a special tribute for me. They signed a huge canvas with the words ‘Thank You’ on top of them. They also managed to sneak in several mentions of me making summary sheets on the graduation ceremony. I won’t lie, it felt amazing. To be known for making these summary sheets that has helped a lot of people, instead of being known for other rather unsavory things. I’m very blunt and sometimes can be very confrontative. But that was not what my friends at high school will remember me for. They will remember me for being the one who make summary sheets, and to be honest, it’s good to be known for that. 

7. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well

I’m actually very proud of my biology summary sheets. It has everything in it, from the materials, to the diagrams that I redraw, then scan to put it on the summary sheets. Even my biology teachers (plural!!!!) ask for it when I graduate. It was so nice, that my friends say that I could sell it. I didn’t sell it in the end, but I did learn that if something is worth doing, then it’s worth doing well. I can do the summary sheets half-assedly, but I don’t, because if I do it half-assedly, then I myself would have trouble studying. It’s a lesson I learned after I did make one of the summary sheets half-assedly because I was short on time. The result? I struggled to study from that summary sheet, and I struggled on the test as well. Thankfully, this happens in the first year that I made my summary sheets, and I learned this lesson early on. 

So, that’s all the things I learned from making summary sheets. Will I continue making them in university? Probably yes. It has helped me so much in high school that I will probably continue them. Let’s see, shall we? 

[huilianwrites]

currently being overly terrified by fairly normal weather who wants to talk books while i try to have a normal heart rate

[huilianwrites]

let me relax……………will comment later…………………..

[huilianwrites]

Membaca tanpa merenungkan adalah bagaikan makan tanpa dicerna

Mohammad Hatta

[huilianwrites]

As We Know Ourselves and Others

Book Title: Emma

Author: Jane Austen

ISBN: 0-553-21273-7

General

Emma is a combination of a romance novel and a self-discovery novel. We experience life through Emma’s eyes as she faces situations she had never faced before and as she realizes that life is so much more than Hartfield and the people in it. From her governess, Miss Taylor, being Mrs. Weston, to making an acquaintance with Harriet Smith, we see Emma still being sure of herself and her childish knowledge. Then she faces her misjudgement with Robert Martin and Mr. Elton, and finding herself meeting the people she had spent her life listening to, Frank Churchill and Jane Fairfax. With her interactions with them, Emma finds herself knowing more about the person she thought she had known all her life, Mr. Knightley. She also finds that the world is not as it seems, and that the knowledge she had gained in her childhood is not nearly enough to be prideful of. 

To be honest, the first two hundred something pages is very boring for me. It’s full of settings and characters introductions. The characters themselves are very interesting, like the eccentric Mr. Woodhouse, the overly chatty Miss Bates, the fabled Miss Fairfax, and of course, the witty Emma Woodhouse. I kind of disliked Mr. Knightley at first, because like Jane Austen, I identify with Emma (if I was a nineteenth century girl/woman in England), and seeing her being scolded by Mr. Knightley when she boasted about being right in her predictions about Miss Taylor and Mr. Weston is very annoying for me as it was for Emma. 

Going on, we meet with Harriet Smith, and with it, Emma’s friendship with her. To be honest, I understand why Emma wants so much to keep Harriet as her bosom friend. She is a nineteen year old girl who had practically no same age friend as she was growing up. She lost the only companion she had growing up in Miss Taylor being Mrs. Weston, and now she is seeking another person to be her company. To mold in her image, sure, but she is a young woman who are in want for company. She would want the very best for Harriet, and Robert Martin, at that time, is not nearly good enough. Emma, having already sworn to herself that she would never marry, seemed to live vicariosly through Harriet. For me, in the first stages of their friendship, to see Harriet marry Robert Martin is like seeing Emma herself marry Robert Martin, and that is just unacceptable for the lady of Hartfield. 

We also meet Mr. Elton, who is, for me, the epitome of fuckboys. The person who will guard their speech and their actions to acquire a woman, but, having already acquired one, behaved very differently. I am thankful that neither Harriet nor Emma ended up marrying Mr. Elton, and pity the woman who, at some point in the story, became Mrs. Elton. Though I suppose that with what we’ve seen of Mrs. Elton, the two of them deserve each other. 

We then meet the fabled, and seemingly perfect, Jane Fairfax. Oh, the resentment Emma has for Jane Fairfax! The distaste she had for always hearing (and can't help comparing herself to) about Jane Fairfax! And to finally meet her for a long enough period of time, to see that she is as good as her fable from her aunt makes her to be! Oh, how Emma resents her! This girl, this woman her age, who is lower than her in social standing and in good fortune, but who has received an education equal to Emma's own, and who is very accomplished in everything! Much, very much like Emma, except for the part about the social standing! 

As Jane Fairfax returns to stay at her grandmother and aunt's house, we also meet Frank Churchill, the son of Mr. Weston and the late Mrs. Weston, who was fostered by his uncle and aunt, Mr. and Mrs. Churchill. We see him with Emma’s point of view, who is determined to think the best of him, a very different stance for the person she also spent her entire life listening about. We also hear Mr. Knightley’s opinion of him, which is not the very best that it could be. We, however, see Frank Churchill with Emma’s eyes, and as we, and Emma, compare his behaviour with that of Mr. Elton, we find ourselves willing to make allowances for him. 

The story, for me, begins to be interesting at around page 300. This is when the plot thickens. I can barely stop reading. We find out that Emma thinks that Frank Churchill loves her, and that she does not want that love. We also see Emma’s attempts to be civil to Jane Fairfax, though still filled with resentment, and we also see Miss Fairfax’s cold and aloof exterior. We hear about Mrs. Churchill, though never actually seeing her, and we found out about all of her pride and eccentricities. 

Than everything moves faster that we can imagine. Conversations are had, and things said that Emma wishes she can unsay. Frank Churchill returns, while Jane Fairfax is afflicted with illness. And then we found out that Mrs. Churchill has died, and Frank Churchill is already engaged secretly with Jane Fairfax. 

This truth unveils every oddity that we, and Emma, has perceived. The coldness and aloofness of Jane Fairfax. The flirting of Frank Churchill, while knowing that Emma does not return his sentiments. The untimeliness of Frank Churchill’s arrival to Hartfield. 

While this all unfolds, we see Emma realizing that she has a rather romantically inclined feelings towards Mr. Knightley. We also realize that Mr. Knightley is also in love with Emma. And Emma realizes that too. 

While the ending, like every other ending of Jane Austen’s, feels very rushed to me, it is satisfying. Harriet, in the end, marries Robert Martin. Frank Churchill marries Jane Fairfax. And of course, Emma marries Mr. Knightley, after a valiant attempt from the eccentric Mr. Woodhouse to keep Emma unmarried. 

What I Learned

What you think is best for others may not be the best for others. 

Emma thought that marriage to Mr. Elton is the best for Harriet. After the story progresses, we can see definitely that that is not so

There are depths to people

This is definitely something I learned from every Jane Austen’s novel, and Emma is no exception. People are not what they seemed. The most agreeable person might turn out to be the most sinister one, and the coldest person might turn out to have the warmest heart.

There is still plenty to learn

Emma might think that she has learned everything there is to learn in the beginning of the story, but throughout the story, she learns quite a lot of lessons in life. That is the same. There is still plenty, and will always be, plenty of things to learn. You just have to open your heart to learning it.

Kindness matters

Kindness matters very, very much. It costs nothing to be kind, but it may cost someone everything to be  unkind. Be kind to everyone, and they, in turn, will be kind to you. 

Quotes

Time, my dearest Emma. Time will heal the wound. 

Seldom, very seldom does complete truth belongs to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen to something is not a little distinguished, or a little mistaken; but where, as in this case, though the conduct is mistaken, the feelings are not, it may not be very material. 

You are comfortable because you are under command.