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[humanexhaustion]

What is this?

You came to see me because I asked and did it without hesitation.

The Feeling I felt when getting your timestamp notification could only be compared to a child’s excitement when being able to pick a toy or candy at a store.

When I walked to your car and opened your door, your face looked as cute as ever. I feel like I notice more every time we see each other. It could be the admiration I have for you, or the slight discomfort I feel around you knowing that I’m slowly letting you in. I am analyzing your face to find the slightest inkling that my anxiety about you is right. I’m trying to find a reason to not pursue you the way I want.

I’m trying. Trying to find the balance between slow and fast. Trying to not dwell in the past. Trying to fight the intrusive thoughts and what they are saying about us. It’s a struggle to be around someone who seems so similar but different to me. We have an unspoken rules that we both know more about each other than we know. Separated by one degree – he who shall not be named. It pains be to admit the guilt and shame he who shall not be named brought me. Its hindering the from fully giving you who I am, in fear that I would relive the same reality and feelings.

I want to open up. I want to let you in, but can I? Will I allow myself to receive the love that I know I deserve but stop myself? You’ve brought up a lot of emotions when you entered my life and instead of questioning ‘what is this?’ I just need to feel.

This is feeling.

-Deangelo