hunesismad

[hunesismad]

A message for you

I miss this person so much.

Everytime I wish she would just come near me and hug me thight.

That’s all I want.

That’s all I need.

I just want you to know that I love you so much and maybe I wasn’t the best at showing it and maybe  I treated you bad but I swear it wasn’t me. It was my disorder.

Because I swear on everything good in my life that I love you more than everything in this galaxy.

And since I’m not the best with words I’ll just use lyrics. (Not mine).

<Were you ashamed or just afraid?>

<I kissed the scars on her skin I still think you're beautiful And I don't ever want to lose my best friend I scream out, God you vulture Bring her back or take me with her>

<Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure>

<Again, forever I’ll be obsessed without way out>

<And if you need a friend, I'll help you stitch up your wounds.

But if you need a friend Then please just say the word

You'll be missing out, and we'll be missing you>

<The sweetness of you on my tongue I breathed you in, you filled my lungs>

<Say, yeah Let's be alone together We can stay young forever>

<So what if you can see the darkest side of me? No one would ever change this animal I have become And help me believe it's not the real me Somebody help me tame this animal>

<(Sad to see you go) Was sorta hopin' that you'd stay>

<And if there's love in this life, there's no obstacle That can't be defeated>

<And when you're staring at the phone in your lap And you hoping but them people never call you back>

<The value of this moment lives in metaphor Yeah, through it all>

<Well, if I'm there to catch you when you fall You'll have a friend down in Hell after all And if you're there to catch me when I fall Then maybe Hell ain't so bad after all

I didn't want to believe how much you needed help And I just left you to be all by yourself And now I wish I had seen that you weren't doing well But I just came back to see how hard you fell>

<But the sound of your voice, put the pain in reverse>

<As we're covered in sand, you roll over and smile.>

<Where are you? And I'm so sorry I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight I need somebody and always>

<I believe in you, I can show you that I can see right through all your empty lies I won't stay long, in this world so wrong>

<You're so cold Keep your hand in mine Wise men wonder while Strong men die

Show me how it ends It's alright Show me how defenseless You really are Satisfied and empty inside That's alright Let's give this another try>

<Salt my wounds but I can't heal the way I feel about you

That little kiss you stole It held my heart and soul

Don't try to fight the storm You'll tumble overboard Tides will bring me back to you

The life may leave my lungs But my heart will stay with you>

<Baby, you're all that I want When you're lyin' here in my arms I'm findin' it hard to believe We're in heaven

And love is all that I need And I found it there in your heart It isn't too hard to see We're in heaven

Yeah nothin' could change what you mean to me>

<You've gone and sewn me to this bed, the taste of you and me Will never leave my lips again under the blinding rain I wanna hold your hand so tight I'm gonna break my wrist And when the vultures sing tonight I'm gonna join right in>

<Please don't take this out on me 'Cause you're the only thing that's keeping me alive And I don't want to wait for the down-set date 'Cause I would rather end it all tonight>

<Your skin is warm like an oven, your kiss is sugary sweet Your fingers feel like cotton when you put your arms around me I feel like I'm just missing something whenever you leave You've got all the ingredients except you loving me>

<I know it gets hard for you to stay But do you really want to throw it all away?

That we could make forever after all Finding the gold in our darkest moments>

<Fighting just to stay alive I know you still can't see But hold onto me You will be found>

<I will never let go When our worlds collide>

<'Cause it was worth it All along, despite the panic attacks Cause it was worth it And even though it's wrong I just wanna go back I know it's bad for me Can't resist it I need it badly To exist and to live I clench my fist in the air And here I go, yeah Beautiful nightmare Beautiful nightmare>

<I feel my time is slipping away, (Every minute gone by seems like a day), I'll never get back the things I lost along the way, What the hell is wrong with me? This isn't who I'm suppose to be

I feel all alone everyday, And just so far away, I know something's got to change, Inside of me>

< won't ever leave you, my dear You've always been the best part of me

I knew that you'd be the one to show me Life is more than suffering only I used to be where I was joking Now it feels as if I'm choking Maybe there's still hope, it'd help me Blow me one last kiss 'fore I sing

I never wanna leave from your side Baby, please, no goodbyes On my knees, hold me tight I get so goddamn weak, teary-eyed When you're not here, I'd rather die I can't speak, cannot lie>

<When I'm asleep and in a dream that I'm your only one>

<I scream into the night for you Don't make it true Don't jump>

<I'd give up my eyes to see you one last time And I'd give all my fingertips to touch you

Painfully, I can't breathe, need you here with me Close my eyes I can feel you close>

<You're such a gorgeous nightmare>

<It's so hard to be together And I try, and I try But it won't get better Forever Days go, days go by I won't die, I won't die cause I must, I must try Forever>

<It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do>

<Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them Sometimes I wonder why this is happening It's like nothing I can do would distract me when I think of how I shot myself in the back again>

<You say you want to chase the moon like fire Well, together we can fake our own deaths here Just wanna be alone and watch as you all just disappear>

<Friend, please remove your hands from Over your eyes for me I know you want to leave but Friend, please don't take your life away from me>

<You never would believe What I have become And still I can't believe I'm running!>

<What went wrong? We both know that you're not here. This is where you hunt And it's kept me in fear for far too long. Now you hide like the ghost The ghost we both know I'm the taste on your tongue The taste you can't spit out. Please come home again Let me show you we're good enough for your love.>

<Are you up there? Just give me a signal I'm reaching you now 'Cause I remember the sound of your voice But I don't remember what we talked about

I swear that I can hear you in the wind You're singing to me and you're Dancing in the halls outside again I'm always listening>

<You look so beautiful today When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away So I try to find the words that I could say I know distance doesn't matter but you feel so far away And I cant lie Every time I leave my heart turns gray And I want to come back home to see your face And I 'Cause I just cant take it

Another day without you with me Is like a blade that cuts right through me But I can wait I can wait forever When you call my heart stops beating When you're gone it wont stop bleeding But I can wait I can wait forever

You look so beautiful today It's like every time I turn around I see your face The thing I miss the most is waking up next to you When I look into your eyes, I wish that I could stay>

<Bury me in the bedroom where I, I can sing you to sleep all night.

(Can you chase away the darkness?) To live in love and die.

Nd I don't care if you're sick, I don't care if you're contagious. I would kiss you even if you were dead. Would somebody make me go blind for the rest of my life? 'Cause I'd do anything to hold your hand.>

<I will not die I'll wait here for you I feel alive when you're beside me I will not die I'll wait here for you In my time of dying>

<Telling me to go But hands beg me to stay Your lips say that you love Your eyes say that you hate>

<Now in my remains Are promises that never came Set the silence free To wash away the worst of me>

<se vuoi morirò insieme a te danzando nel cielo, tra le nuvole ti porterò con me quando il tempo un mattino ti ha strappato via e ti rubò da me.>

<I dreamed I was missing You were so scared But no one would listen ‘Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming I woke with this fear What am I leaving When I’m done here?

So if you’re asking me I want you to know

When my time comes Forget the wrong that I’ve done Help me leave behind some Reasons to be missed And don’t resent me And when you’re feeling empty Keep me in your memory Leave out all the rest Leave out all the rest

Don’t be afraid I’ve taken my beating I’ve shared what I’ve made I’m strong on the surface Not all the way through I’ve never been perfect But neither have you

So if you’re asking me I want you to know

When my time comes Forget the wrong that I’ve done Help me leave behind some Reasons to be missed Don’t resent me And when you’re feeling empty Keep me in your memory Leave out all the rest Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside You’ve learned to hide so well Pretending someone else can come And save me from myself I can’t be who you are

When my time comes Forget the wrong that I’ve done Help me leave behind some Reasons to be missed Don’t resent me And when you’re feeling empty Keep me in your memory Leave out all the rest Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside You’ve learned to hide so well Pretending someone else can come And save me from myself I can’t be who you are I can’t be who you are>

<Weep not for roads untraveled Weep not for paths left lone 'Cause beyond every bend is a long blinding end It's the worst kind of pain I've known

Give up your heart, left broken And let that mistake pass on 'Cause the love that you lost wasn't worth what it cost And in time, you'll be glad it's gone

Weep not for roads untraveled Weep not for sights unseen May your love never end, and if you need a friend There's a seat here alongside me>

<Remember, you're loved And you always will be This melody will bring you right Back home

When life leaves us blind Love keeps us kind>

<It's true the way I feel Was promised by your face The sound of your voice Painted on my memories Even if you're not with me (I'm with you)>

<But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright>

<I've been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks>

<With arms up, stretched into the sky With eyes like echoes in the night Hiding from the hell that you've been through, silent one

You go, giving up your home Go, leaving all you've known You’re not alone>

<You're the only hope that I hold inside The self-destruction, the damage I've done You're the reason I'm still alive

I've got nothing to lose but you>

<I don't mind it, I don't mind if you're overrated. Or if you're staring at the edge of the world. Keep in mind that I'm sore of blurry vision. But I can see it has to be you, love, that I've been dreaming of. And if we climb this high, I swear we'll never die.>

<One day When nothing ever feels the same Just like every other time before (You hit the wall and lost it all) I'll find a way To wake you from this bed you've made Even though I know you want me to I'm never giving up on you! On you, on you>

<Should've stayed, were there signs, I ignored? Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore? We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep There are things that we can have, but can't keep

If they say Who cares if one more light goes out? In a sky of a million stars It flickers, flickers Who cares when someone's time runs out? If a moment is all we are We're quicker, quicker Who cares if one more light goes out? Well I do>

<You held it all And I was by your side, powerless>

<The neighbors said she moved away Funny how it rained all day I didn't think much of it then But it's starting to all make sense>

<You're an angel fallen down won't you tell us of the clouds You have fallen from the sky. How high? How high?>

<At the park, in the back of my car It don’t matter what I do, No, I can’t keep my hands off you>

<But they don't know you like I know you

They don't understand, they think I'm a fool If only they could see

I dream about you Heaven only knows I do I dream about you Every single night it's true I dream about you>

<I hate myself for the things I've done So hopeless, feeling so down again, down again It's breaking me down again, down again Take what's left, take me away 'Cause I've been too fucked up to try to change But do you even care? (Is there anybody in there?)

'Cause I feel so alone Screaming at nothing I feel so alone Searching for something Now I'm breaking down and you're not around I get lost in the sound And I feel so alone And you can't save me

Don't look me right in the eye Don't tell me this is goodbye 'Cause I'm missing you, I'm missing you>

<And I'd give up forever to touch you 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life And sooner or later it's over I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's meant to be broken I just want you to know who I am>

<And I'll be sorry for now That I couldn't be around Sometimes things refuse to go the way we planned Oh I'll be sorry for now That I couldn't be around There will be a day that you will understand You will understand>

<Where everything's nothing without you I'll wait here forever just to, to see you smile 'Cause it's true: I am nothing without you>

<My soul is broken Streets are frozen I can't stop these feelings melting through And I'd give away a thousand days, oh Just to have another one with you>

<Get the feeling that you're never All alone and I remember now At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies She dies>

<You come to me with Scars on your wrist. You tell me this will be the last night Feeling like this.

I just came to say good bye Didn't want you to see me cry I'm fine

But I know it's a lie

This is the last night You'll spend alone Look me in the eyes So I know you know I'm everywhere You want me to be>

<Don't want to reach for me, do you? I mean nothing to you The little things give you away And now there will be no mistaking The levees are breaking

All you've ever wanted Was someone to truly look up to you And six feet under water, I do>

<She is everywhere I go Everyone I see Winter's gone and I still can't sleep Summer's on the way At least that's what they say But these clouds won't leave>

<’Cause I wanted you to know

That the world is ugly But you're beautiful to me>

<One night, yeah, and one more time Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories>

<Don't you know, don't you know? True friends stab you in the front>

<No you don't know what you've got Until it's gone>

<My insides all turn to ash So slow And blow away as I collapsed So cold

A black wind took them away From sight And now the darkness over day That night

And the clouds above move closer Looking so dissatisfied But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

I used to be my own protection But not now 'Cause my path has lost direction Somehow

A black wind took you away From sight And now the darkness over day That night

And the clouds above move closer Looking so dissatisfied And the ground below grew colder As they put you down inside But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

So now you're gone And I was wrong I never knew what it was like To be alone

On a Valentine's Day>

<Waiting here in line Hoping that I'll find What I've been chasing

I thought I could fly So why did I drown? I never know why It's coming down, down, down

I'm not ready to let go 'Cause then I'd never know What I could be missing But I'm missing way too much So when do I give up What I've been wishing for>

<In the wastelands of today When there's nothing left to lose And and there's nothing more to take But you force yourself to choose

In the wastelands of today Where tomorrow disappears While the future slips away And your hope turns into fear In the wastelands of today>

<So let mercy come and wash away What I've done

I'll face myself To cross out what I've become Erase myself And let go of what I've done>

<I love ya, will you marry me? Oh, what a shame we gotta pay for reality Ain't it sad, sad, sad?>

These are all the songs that reminds me of what a beautiful person I have lost.

I loved you, I love you and i will always love you.

<I said i love you and I swear I still do>

I really hope for you to see that and realize how much I love you. I don’t want you to come back if you don’t want to but please don’t take yourself away from me.

Always yours,

Angela.

[hunesismad]

Memories are all I have of you.

[hunesismad]

My hands look skinnier :3

Finally.

[hunesismad]

I ate a little piece of meat and some salad with strawberries for fruit. But I just burned 200 kcal.

[hunesismad]

I still weigh the same but I just workout to be sure. - 721 kcal

[hunesismad]

Yesterday I ate a pizza so now I'll be the weigh of a whale. Rip pray for me.

[hunesismad]

46,1

[hunesismad]

46,2

[hunesismad]

I feel my tummy buuuuurning :3

[hunesismad]

46,6 kg

[hunesismad]

Since I burned off 270 calories I decided to give myself a treat.

45.5 calories.

[hunesismad]

2019/03/31

TRIGGER WARNING

Sunday

Today I will eat this:

L:

Steamed Savoy Cabbage -> 18 cals (75 g)

Steamed White Beans -> 35 cals (25 g)

Oil -> 61 cals (7 g)

I know I shouldn't eat it with oil but my mum used it while she was cooking it. So yes... Fuke.

Total : 114 cals

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm gonna fast dinner because you know, fast dinner wake up thinner!

Joking.

I'm doing the rainbow diet and for today I will use the amount of calories for breakfast and lunch together and then I won't have dinner so I will eat less calories.

I don't use this diet for the colors but for the calories.

[hunesismad]

103 llb

[hunesismad]

I miss her

"E" mi manca così tanto, non può nemmeno immaginare quanto mi manchi.

Devo comprendere però che ha scelto una strada diversa, una strada in cui purtroppo non ci sono io al suo fianco.

Devo comprendere che se non mi vuole devo lasciarla andare.

Ma fa male.

Cavolo se fa male.

Lasciarla andare e rimuginare sui ricordi che ho di lei.

Mi è rimasto in bocca il sapore amaro di tutta la beltà che ho perso.

Mi ritrovo nuovamente a piangere e a pensare se tornerà mai da me.Ho provato a mostrarle che io ci tengo ma purtroppo non posso nutrire una relazione da sola.

Fa male.

Devo finirla.

Non ce la faccio più.

Pensavo di aver fatto dei progressi ma non è cambiato nulla.

Sono qui sola ad ascoltare i linkin park perché sono una delle cose che mi è rimasta di lei e a piangere a dirotto.

Faccio schifo.

Faccio enormemente schifo.

Ma sapete una cosa?

Sto da dio.

Perché so che per lo meno non la feriró quando me ne andrò.

Hai fatto bene E.

Hai capito prima di tutti la mia vera natura e ti sei allontanata.

Per quanto faccia male hai fatto bene.

Sono felice anche io se penso che starai bene anche senza di me.

Sono felice a sapere che tutti staranno bene senza di me.

Chissà cosa mi aspetterà dall'altra parte.

Thanks to everyone.

[hunesismad]

A Buddy?

I need a buddy so badly... That so sad.

[hunesismad]

Hehe sorry.

So I've been gone for few weeks because I've gained weight because of school but now I'm losing it, like I'm at 98 lbs so I hope I can go back to my lowest weight and then reach my goal weight!

Stay safe, lovelies.

[hunesismad]

If you are concerned that something’s wrong, you should see a doctor immediately. Your health is not something you should ignore, and most of these problems can be reversible if treated in time (although many can be permanent). I hope you will consider recovery before you are faced with medical complications or even death. Eating disorders can do a lot of damage to your body. Recovery is always an option. ❤ I love you lil bean.

heart palpitations

slow or irregular heartbeat (brachycardia)

fast heartbeat (tachycardia)

cold/icy hands and feet

fainting

chest pain, burning or tightness (angina)

bruising very easily

pain in your shoulders, back, neck, or jaw

red spots on the insides of your arms and legs

blue tint to nailbeds, lips, and skin

tingling in your limbs

blood clots

swelling of your ankles, feet, or abdomen

sweating

weakness or dizziness

coughing up white sputum

cramps or pain in your legs

fullness/choking feeling

shortness of breath

yellow looking skin (jaundice)

yellow eyes

pale, bloody or tar-like stool

swollen or tender abdomen

dark/foul smelling urine

skin rashes

diarrhea

persistent nausea

loss of appetite

exhaustion

bruising easily

excessive or constant sweating

sudden weight gain and high cholesterol

low blood sugar (hypoglycemia)

metabolism slows down

pale or foamy/bubbly urine

urinating very often or very rarely

swelling of your legs, ankles, and feet

shortness of breath

exteme fatigue or drowsiness

nausea that doesn’t go away

feeling cold (anemia)

swollen, puffy face

food tastes like metal

your breath smells like ammonia/fish

brown, red, or purple urine

pressure when urinating

fever

chronic constipation

cramping

pain or difficulty when going to the bathroom

bloody or black stools

foul smelling stools

persistent gas

anal hemmorhoids

sudden extreme urge to go to the bathroom

seizures

mental fuzziness/lack of concentration

memory problems

nightmares

anxiety, depression and paranoia

insomnia and other sleep issues

development of binge eating

suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm

compulsive behaviors/rituals

hysteria

feeling restless

impaired or worsening vision and hearing

speech difficulty

irregular breathing

physical numbness

mood swings

bleeding from your ears

stomach pain or cramps

pain when pressing down on stomach

burning sensation in stomach

acid reflux

coughing or vomiting blood

ulcer(s)

coughing white or pink mucus

headaches

chills or fever

diarrhea or bloody stools

bloating

sensitivity to cold

nausea and vomiting

loss of menstrual cycle (amenorrhea) can point to infertility

tooth decay, gum disease

swollen glands in neck

excess hair growth all over your body and face (linugo)

dry, blotchy skin

bones easily fracture and break (osteopenia/osteoperosis)

hair loss

brittle nails

painful esophagus can be a sign of rupture

loss of sex drive

erectile dysfunction

thyroid disorders

getting sick very often (immune system)

dehydration

weak muscles

These are not all of the symptoms and medical complications that can occur because of an eating disorder. It’s important to recognize that an eating disorder can lead to death if left untreated. Please take care of yourself. Recovery is always an option, and you deserve to be healthy and happy. Check out my help page for info on where to start with your recovery. Text 741-741 to chat with a crisis counselor.

My backup blog is @thefitnessdiarist!