hvverfa - Tumblr blog

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Also I gave myself a complete reading to try to gain some hope. Turns out some parts were quite nice and positive but it hasn't saved me from crying in bed at 3 am *insert shrug emoji*

[hvverfa]

Sometimes I feel like I have no other place. As if this place was still mine or somehow familiar to me. Anyway who cares. The last couple of months have been terrible. Like I can't remember the last time I've hit such a low point? I have cancelled all the plans I had with all my friends. No exceptions. Even the ones I miss the most. Having plans and taking public transport triggers so much anxiety that I decided to tell everyone I was sick or had some sudden plan I couldn't postpone. I haven't studied since then. And it triggers so much anxiety too. And a loop of shame and guilty and hopelessness for my future. I don't have any dream or ambition atm. I can't think of anything that excites me or that I'd truly work towards. I feel like the stupid empty shell of my past self. I'm not super smart or a quick learner or anything special. But I've never been afraid of working hard? I've never gave up and kept going failure after failure. And now I'm here yay. The only thing that got me out of my house is my cousin asking me to go with her to the doctor or like running some random errands with her. She probably have no idea that her asking for something is the only reason i've dressed up recently. Aaand on top of that my sleeping schedule sucks. My brain randomly turns on in the middle of the night and I spend hours awake before being able to sleep again, usually for a couple of hours. I'm always tired because of this, i've rarely slept more than 4/5 hours per night lately. My usual sleepying time used to be like 7/8 hours ahahahah. This never ending rant is probably the only way I can take everything out of my chest atm. I feel guilty for asking my mother to pay for therapy and I'm afraid that after a whole year my therapist won't even be available anymore. I've been in therapy with her for 5 years at a suuper discounted price, I really can't afford her "normal" rate and I'm afraid. I can't afford yoga right now too. Like I can't afford anything that could help me in any way ahahah There should be a way to be a working human being again.

[hvverfa]

Safety first!

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today I learned that an estimated 20% of genetics papers may have errors because Excel automatically converted the names of genes into calendar dates

[hvverfa]

On a brighter side last year I was like comfortably swimming in disordered eating, convinced I was doing it for my health. But I decided I was tired and got into intuitive eating and started practicing yoga (i can't believe I love it that much!! Ashtanga practice is called meditation in movement and while your here, doing all the asana, counting breaths,sweating, falling for the 3rd time in the same pose , your brain goes completely blank. A blessing if you're a overthinker like me). I haven't weighted myself in like 8 months!!! I don't have the same smol body but I've never felt so good. Who would have known that I had an alternative to trying to love my body? And the alternative was realise that my body is merely a vessel. I wear what I want rn, even with my soft tummy .

[hvverfa]

I have no idea how I ended up here again. Like why did I open this site and why did I login into my account? Maybe is my deep desire to fill the void in the good old way? Blogging my feelings has been a thing in my life since I was in middle school. The msn blogging platform died a while ago, wordpress babies are forever lost, but all my google blogger corners since 2010 are still alive somehow. Today feels heavy af for like 200 different reasons. I can't stand living in this messed up society anymore. Capitalism is crushing my soul, making me a lil bit sadder everyday. I'm tired and I feel stuck. I hate performing, with my body, with my behaviour, with my everyday activities. A person who shaped my soul, my music taste, who enhanced my creative drive to the stars, and was the prompt for another depressive episode in my teenage years, took his life a while ago. It still feels unreal to me. Everytime I take the train at the station near my uni, I hope he'll show up. Everytime I hear a train riding fast I feel terrible, my heart jumps. Instead I saw the wooden casket, I saw the flowers, his mothers, my best friend (which is his best friend too), lot of his friends crying. Someone reading poetry, someone playing a song he wrote. I want to visit his grave once exams are over. He had a special, sensible soul. My heart is sad and my mind is filled with special memories. That time we had lunch with ice cream and candies, when we run along the street for the sake of feeling free, when we hid at a party to sing diaryland by silver swans together in his parent's bed. We spent a train ride finding waldo head to head, we first kissed on a bus, the day of his birthday. We slept together, cuddling. I was only wearing black thighs and a borrowed joy division tee. Lots of times I fell asleep with him at the phone. We dreamt of our towels as a couple, since we share the same initial letters. I feel so silly. One day I was too sad to go home and I started crying loudly. He chose a song and left me with his ipod. That night I found out there was a track in a unnamed folder: it had my name. It was a soft tune, something like beach house works at the time. Idk. I don't care how much I've hurt. I mean I have like over 30 ugly poems written for him, several zines, sketchbooks filled. Idk. He had a special soul. I want to leave some words from a song I used to listen a lot when he left: Breathe into my mouth Write your name in my palms I couldn't speak for a long time Everything you did was some sort of sign for me to read into But I couldn't understand you ... If I go back to that place I know I'll see you But I don't want to even tho I want to On my way home I told myself one day I'd be a shining light For you to look at And now back at regular venting: i wish I was high right now, breathing the fresh air outside.

[hvverfa]

A beautifully tiled 90s public washroom.

Bathrooms, Collins Design, 2004 📚

Salvaged & scanned by @jpegfantasy 🖨️

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[ instagram | redbubble ]

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me moving the load to the chair before going to bed: excellent

me, dumping a load of freshly washed but unfolded laundry on my bed: boy i’m sure gonna be pissed about this when i want to go to bed

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Sometimes I wonder if native English speakers appreciate how much more comfortable the internet is for them than for the rest of the world

Like, you can go on tumblr and simply read stuff in your mother tongue? Amazing. Go on youtube and you don’t have to replay some sentences ten times to try to understand what they’re saying? Incredible. Look for practically anything on google and know that there will be a fuckton of results that you can read without having to spend half the time looking up words in a dictionary? Fascinating. Make a post or send an ask without panicking that you’ll make a silly mistake or that they won’t understand what you meant? Unbelievable.

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New post ^^

I’ve been working on this baby to give everyone my new year’s best wishes. As said in the tatami galaxy anime: “Please grab the opportunity that is dangling in front of you”. For me, for you and anyone who needs to stop being so scared of truly living, trying new things and opening up their life to new opportunities (fear of failure is big and heavy here). I’m learning how to work with vector drawings but actually pixel art is what still works better for me. Have a nice day!

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kick terfs out of LGBT spaces

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Cute scenery, cute npc (I love peachy so much) and a random pic at dungeon entrance cause the last msg in the general chat was too cute "I can't type and pew pew at the same time". Also after doing the same dungeon 5 times last night I got to lvl 60. I'll probably play a lil more after lunch.