hzbdsh

[hzbdsh]

murmur. murrr.

When a cat is in pain it comforts itself by purring.

I comfort myself by singing. It will be more honest to say that I comfort myself by murmuring but it'll reduce effect of the process. (How even I'm telling this if I'm so insecure? To apologize to victims of my gift may be.)

Anyway, it happend that the most calming song I sing actually starts with words "and you are falling asleep while sky is burning and all dreams and hopes disappear in it".

Something tells me, I need to change repertoire. Not sure why though.

[hzbdsh]

When you have a blog suddenly all your writing becomes politics. Unless you hide your name, of course. Any moment you can meet a stranger who knows about you more then you intended to tell. Well, I don’t mind when random people whom I saw first time in my life comment on my recent post. I wrote it to receive a respond. But people are so people. Anything you say or do may be used against you. 

So think twice, think even before thinking. But don't be silent, politics is only a game, get into the rules and play. Games are fun!

Or are supposed to be fun. 

[hzbdsh]

everybody wants to be a cat

"No woman has ever changed the world by complaining about her tights." - read I some time ago in Silverman's twitter. Read and agreed. (and was silent since then)

Of course, few more if-i-knews happened. But... meh. I have a cat living with me, what can change the world more? (a lot of things actually). She teaches me to stretch and to be sly and purposeful (except moments when she drinks water out of toilet and sleeps on floorcloth). She teaches me to be tender even when trapped. (tenderly waiting for the moment to act, of course).

I wish I could say more. (but some things didn't happen and some I wouldn't say in order to protect them)

[hzbdsh]

*and make it better*

I saw blinking lights outside, merry red and white reflections jumping on the building across the yard. They gave me premonition of the christmas mood (and I don't even celebrate it).

It were firefighters cars. 

Well, it is obvious, but it is also appropriate to say that emotions we receive depend on us, depend on expectations and desire to take a sad song and make it better, if you know what i mean. 

[hzbdsh]

What pleases? Is it in shape? Or in taste? Or in composition? Or in smell? Or associations? Why one thing pleases us when it is simple and others while they are complicated? Is it beauty that pleases? 

And the main: can you find this something or you can only create it?

[hzbdsh]

If i new.

January. If I knew, I would apply to another college.

May. If I knew, I wouldn't send any documents by regular mail, by any mail, but electronical.

June. If I knew, I would withdraw from school without any fear even before the summer term.

July. If I knew, I would download damn Acrobat Reader and apply on-line, a month earlier and 20 days quicker.

September. If I knew, I would go to consulate a month, two month before the booked appointment. 

November. If I knew those things and lots of others, it would be me one year elder. There is no need to say it's all for good. I know that things are made to make you better. One year stronger, happier and sadder from past. 

If I'm so new now in so short period, how many "if-i-knew" I will discover one year from now?

[hzbdsh]

-elusive-

Some moments are quite nice.

You sense them as good, bright, warm, bittersweet or any other, doesn't matter what epithets you find for them in the very beginning. Only after a while you feel that the one suitable word for them is 'priceless'. This moments make you and your story.

This moments are only yours and you don't want anyone to steal them. You want even to protect some of those. But you can't keep all inside, it's too big to fit into one tiny girlish soul. At least for me it is so. I need to share my warmth and happiness. And I will, but I will share only the tips of my inner icebergs. 

It all sounds so pathetic, eww. Feels like I need to add something disgusting to ruin pattern. Or something against the system. Or random 'merde' at least.

Let's say, let it be as it is. And let the story begin.

[hzbdsh]

just like the sky of the fourth of July you make me high

[hzbdsh]

So Toronto