i-am-kintsugi

[i-am-kintsugi]

Okay so, just wanted to keep you updated! (Even though it's just me updating myself lol) but medication's been going GREAT and I just found out that we won't be having our phones at camp so I might have to switch back to my actual journal! We shall see.. Either way, this has been really lovely and has helped me get back to journaling so I'm very grateful. Thank you for everything.

❤️ Sugi

[i-am-kintsugi]

I haven't forgotten about you, just been busy!! Packing for camp :)

Talk to you tomorrow!!

❤️ sugi

[i-am-kintsugi]

Day 9,

Work was okay and I just enjoyed the rest of the day to myself! Listened to Anastasia's playlist and updated my favorites playlist. She has great taste :)

❤️ sugi

[i-am-kintsugi]

Day 9,

Today was my day to rest, I guess! Tried to do things but just didn't have the energy at all, then I remembered I got in at 1am last night and barely ate anything all day (somehow I always forget that food gives you energy?? I need to work on that lol) and so I just did a bit of cleaning and playing Just Cause 4 (aka Base Jumping Simulator), and then Ian came over and we watched some Avatar and that was lovely. I'll get more done tomorrow! Speaking of which, I gotta start packing :)

❤️ Sugi

[i-am-kintsugi]

Day 8,

Just got back from wobble night with Anastasia and it's past midnight but I had a really good time!! My first time having a booth set up for my art and I passed out a few business cards!! Didn't bring anything to sell yet, just want to get comfortable with putting myself out there. The music was so loud I could feel it in my chest, and everyone was having a great time, it was so nice to see. I actually felt present and I could tell by the warmth in my stomach. Haven't felt that in a long time. So much more too say but it's late so I'll tell you more tomorrow okay? Goodnight!!

❤️ Sugi

[i-am-kintsugi]

Day 7,

Aaaaaa I feel great!! Anastasia invited me out to a show she was vending at (her art is absolutely incredible oh my god) and I almost didn't go because I was feeling so tired and socializing can be exhausting when you're trying to make a good impression, but I went anyways and it was so lovely! The bands were amazing but we basically spent the whole night yelling into each other's ears haha. Feels so nice to want to get to know someone and have it be reciprocated :)

Anyways, I didn't end up drawing much but she invited me to come again tomorrow and bring in some of my sketches to display!! Not to sell or anything, just to get my name out there. But oh my god I'm so nervous. And I'll be completely honest, looking at how much my work has stagnated the past few years is a little depressing but I'm trying not to let it get to me. Now is better than never, better late than never, and the best time to [draw] was [5] years ago, the second best time is now!! I'll just keep telling myself that until it sticks.

Ian just got here - no time to worry!!! I'm still gonna bring art in tomorrow no matter what, mark my words. Shall keep you updated!

Talk to you later MWAH

❤️ Sugi

[i-am-kintsugi]

Day 6,

Spent the morning with Ian and he introduced me to a game called Just Cause 4 which is honestly so fun!! He was trying to help me fill the hole in my heart that BioShock Infinite left (I think he takes partial responsibilty since he introduced me to it haha) but honestly I loved that game and I miss Elizabeth so much. I get way too attached to characters (ahem BT from Titanfall ahem) and I NEED MORE. GIVE ME ARTIFICAL FRIEND SIMULATION!!!

Anyways, after that I went to therapy and decided I need to find a new therapist. It just isn't working, I've been seeing her for months and I've explained to her over and over that I need help and advice instead of just someone to listen (as much as I appreciate it! I do) but it's been months and nothing has changed.

(Wow, I'm actually falling asleep while writing this! Maybe I'll actually be able to sleep tonight! That's good news)

Anyways, I took a bubble bath today!!! I have no idea if I've ever had a bubble bath past childhood. It was so relaxing and therapeutic that I may have ended up spending 2 hours just basking in the scent of jasmine and the sound of the bubbles crinkling in my ear. It was honestly so heavenly. I can't believe I've gone without bubble baths for so long??

Now I'm cuddling with my cat in my arms and I feel good. I can feel my eyes closing by the second. It feels nice to be sleepy.

❤️ Sugi

[i-am-kintsugi]

Day 5,

First day of taking my full dose! Work was crazy busy again and I was so tired I immediately passed out when I got home and now it's 11 somehow?? So I don't really have anything to update you on today, but I'm just so happy to have my best friend home :)

I'm actually taking the time to read tonight before bed, so that's my self-care contribution for the day!

❤️ Sugi

[i-am-kintsugi]

Day 4,

I'll be honest, today was rough. Work was crazy and everyone seemed to be in a bad mood and I got called a bitch by a customer, and you know, I've been called worse, but I guess I've just been a bit sensitive recently.

And then after work I finally got to get back on the boat my stepdad works on for the first time since I was 18, and I expected it to make me feel better but unfortunately it made me feel even worse. It brought back so many memories and the contrast between how I used to feel vs how I feel now made me tear up a few times. I couldn't even enjoy myself, I could barely get myself to even look around at the water. It used to bring me so much peace and now everything feels dead and grey. I really don't want to be saying any of this.. I don't want to sound so depressing anymore. I don't want to let the skepticism I have about whether medication is gonna work for me or not mess with the process. It's only day 4 so I shouldn't be expecting any significant changes yet, and I know it's not gonna erase these feelings and these kinds of days completely, but I just can't stand it anymore. I can't stand the constant comparisons to myself "before it all happened" and the "what ifs".. I don't want to wonder how I would've turned out. What do I need to do to fix my brain? I'm trying so hard to heal my emotional wounds, but they seem to keep re-opening every day. I don't know what to do.

I don't really know what else to write I'm sorry, but this entry is a bit of a downer so I'll try to end on a positive note:

I really am so grateful to have my mom. And Rose. And Ian, who's coming back from his trip tonight! I'm so lucky to have two good friends that care about me.

Tomorrow I'm going to start taking the full dose (I've been taking half pills so far to ease into it) so I'll definitely keep you updated on that! I'm trying my very best to remain hopeful.

(MAN I'm tired. Feel like I'm boutta pass tf out!!)

❤️ Sugi

[i-am-kintsugi]

Day 3,

My mom woke me up at 2pm and I was like "WHAT YEAR IS IT"

I was just so incredibly tired today but I bet I needed the rest. Woke up in the middle of the night to one of those night terrors I've been having too often recently, where I think that the world is ending and I jump out of bed and run outside as fast as I can. This time I looked out the window and it looked like the house was in space! I think I thought we were about to go through a black hole. My legs were shaking so bad I could barely walk.

Luckily I had the day off and honestly, I thought I was gonna push myself to get shit done, but I told my mom how incredibly exhausted I felt and she said to take it easy since I just started taking medication and my body might just be adjusting to it, so that's what I did! Nothing is what I did, and it was honestly really nice. I forced myself to eat (I've been having so much trouble eating recently) and I did the dishes and that's it!

I didn't want to do the dishes, but I knew I would feel better if I could at least cross that off my to-do list, so I stared at the sink for a minute and told myself all I had to do was start! And then I could stop. And guess what? I ended up doing all of them. That's a really effective trick that I need to use more often - starting something, getting the ball rolling, is always the hardest part.

I'm hoping to use the snowball effect more in my life. It really is the little changes and habits you make that eventually add up and bring you closer to where you want to be. I'm guilty of being a go-big-or-go-home kind of person and then I'll set these huge goals for myself that never work out and always just make me feel worse. I know a lot of people deal with this feeling so hopefully I can learn some good tips to help others as well!

I just brushed my teeth and washed my face and moisturized and braided my hair and got into something resembling pajamas and even those basic things seem to take so much energy nowadays but I did it and I'm feeling pretty good.

Not much else to say for today! I'll leave it there. Thanks for listening.

❤️ Sugi

[i-am-kintsugi]

Hello there,

Back again for day 2 :) Second day of taking medication, and I don't think I'll be feeling any difference for at least a week or two so, shall keep you updated. Work was a bit rough, but the gravel pit that I park in got flooded and I got to wade to my car and honestly that was kind of fun! Luckily no damage don't worry. Just a.. wee ol' foot bath..

After that, I basically just hung out with my mom all day and we ended up watching When Harry Met Sally. I've been meaning to see that movie for about 9 years now, and honestly it was so bad that my mom and I just spent the whole movie joking about it, but for that I really enjoyed it!! And we ate dinner together and I snuggled with my cat so that was lovely.

I guess that's all I have the energy to write about today, but tomorrow's my day off so hopefully I'll get around to doing something fun!

I'm trying really, really hard to want to do things again. I miss that part of myself so badly. And I don't know the right answer to anything at the moment, but I believe that if I start to do the things I used to enjoy, soon enough the feeling will come back to me. I guess we'll have to see!

I'll talk to you more tomorrow, okay?

❤️ Sugi

[i-am-kintsugi]

Hello again,

I will call this Day 1 of my mental health journey! (Although it's more like day 400+) I want to view this as a fresh start.

Today was my first day of taking medication! For a bit of background, I've been thinking about anti-depressants to see if they'd help, and I've had the people around me begging me to try them for two years now, but I've been so afraid.. I've exhausted every other option, I've tried everything. I'm in therapy and it helps a bit, but then I always end up falling right back into my pit of despair. I'm sick of it, to be honest.

Then a few months ago, I decided it was finally time I made an appointment. And that appointment was today! Another reason I was inspired to start this blog was so that maybe in a few months I can look back and see if I've made any noticeable difference in my overall mood. And of course, medication is only a crutch, so I have to be working on healing in other ways as well! That's what I'm planning on writing here about, so stay tuned!!

(All I'm picturing are tumbleweeds passing by lmao)

Anyways, I also had therapy today! Went good. Sometimes I wish my therapist had more to offer than platitudes but I understand. After that I spent the rest of the day with my mom running errands, and then we came home and painted rocks to look like strawberries to ward away birds from our garden. Not only did it end up being really nice and relaxing, but I'm really proud that I pushed myself to get up and do it. Sometimes it's hard to convince myself that anything I do matters, but hey! I did art, which brought myself joy, AND I might end up saving our plants, which will bring my mom joy. That DOES matter.

My mom really is worried about me. I know she is. I feel so bad for making her feel that way, and it's one of the reasons I really need to get better.

I think that's all I'll write for today. Thank you for listening.

❤️ Sugi

[i-am-kintsugi]

Hello, world!

I don't really know how to start this.. this is my first time putting myself out there on the internet since I was 12, so it's been ten years! (I'm 22 too now, hard to believe it.)

Anyways, to cut straight to the point - I've been through a lot these past few years.. not all things I'm ready to talk about. I feel like I've been broken essentially. It's so hard to care about myself and my well-being and to be there for those around me, I struggle to enjoy the things I used to.. my life just doesn't feel like my own anymore. I hardly even recognize myself.

That's where this blog comes in! I think it's finally time I put myself out there again - even if only through the internet - and I want to document my mental journey, and hopefully in the future be able to look back and see my progression.

My one and only goal is to post on here once a week. That's it! And it can be anything too, from what I did during the week to documenting trying something new to some drawings I've made. I'm just hoping that with consistency I'll eventually start being able to open up more to other living people and will at least be putting an effort into helping myself get better!

I think that's enough for now. I'm not quite sure if anyone will ever see this, but if you do, thank you so much for listening and for your support. ❤️