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i-need-some-mint-tea · 3 years

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(Janus, Logan, and Remus attempting baking without Patton, College AU and pt 2)

Remus, “We start by adding 28 prunes! Which is 28 too many,”

Logan, after Remus + Janus were looking at him funny after reading the instructions, “Don’t look at me, I couldn’t tell you where this is going. All I know is that it’s the wrong destination,”

Remus, “This has to be the most complicated laxative on the planet,”

Remus, enthusiastically while spilling some sugar, “Quarter cup of SUGAR!”

Janus, “Cook over a double boiler. We’re getTING BOUISIE TODAY!!”

Janus, to Remus, “You’re diluting peanut butter?”

Logan, grumbling while picking up a dropped ingredient, “Fucking gravity,”

Logan, furious, “THERE IS NO ‘SUITABLE’ AMOUNT OF LARD!”

Logan, reading off the recipe, “‘Chocolate zucchini bread’ from 1968,”

Remus, “Now, when I think of zucchini, I think of good barbecues, summer salads ..men!”

Logan, in time with the microwave, “Beeeep,”

Remus, “Now, for the zucchini, we need one and a half cups, shredded and all!”

Remus, “Time for the filling! Oh, wait, that’s a perfect name for a baking-themes OnlyFa—,”

Logan, describing the dish they made, “Like a hug on a plate,”

Remus, announcing the next recipe xey chose while laughing, “A crusty spam— hahaHAHAHAHA!”

Logan, grabbing the recipe from xem, “‘Crusty Spam Bake’ from 1965. Remus, you’ll be the end of us,”

Logan, reading off the first direction, “To start, we’ll need some corn flakes. I promise I’m not making this up,”

Remus, putting the cornflakes in a ziplock bag, “In lil bag! Nyoop!”

Remus, crushing the cornflakes, “CRUMBS!”

Janus, catching the spam can Logan tossed at them, “Now we get our can of spam and we cry,”

Logan, reading it off, “‘Slice into 8 pieces using a knife,’”

Janus, sarcastically, “Thanks for that tip, I was in danger of using a spoon,”

Logan, “To the cornflake crumbs we add two tablespoons of brown sugar! And a dash of cloves!”

Janus, “‘Drain a can of pineapple slices and brush using butter!’ Just another day in America!”

Remus, joyfully, “Coat the spam slices in mustard!”

Janus, with a pained laugh, “No.. don’t make me..,”

Logan, “‘20 minutes at 350 Fahrenheit!’”

Remus, after taking it out, “Hmmm,”

Janus, taking a bite, “Eugghh… that isn’t it,’

Remus, repeating what Logan told xem, “‘Beat until soft’.. Logan, I don’t need instructions. I’m single,”

Janus, while smoothing the pie and glancing at Logan, “Smooth top!”

Logan, not hearing what they said and responding thinking they were talking to him, “Yes?”

Remus starts laughing as Janus looks like they want to disappear

Logan, “We begin with a pound of ground beef,”

Remus, “You don’t want the sky beef, that would be scary,”\

Remus, at the ground beef xey’re cooking, “WHO’S MOOING NOW?!??”

Logan, “Onions and celewy! Celewy? Celery!”

Janus, while chopping up onions, “You know what stings more than a knife, mr onion? Rejection.”

Remus, “Now we beat! That tracks for the fifties,”

Janus, announcing the recipe, “Potato donuts from the Great Depression! Now, I say disrespecting donuts should carry a life sentence, so let’s see if we’re going to jail today, ey?”

Janus, “Y’know, a lot of things start with potatoes. French fries, hash browns—,”

Logan, cutting in like the nerd he is, “Famine,”

Remus, adding on, “Communism!”

Remus, “The potatoes are finished when they’re soft. I’ve noticed that with men, too!”

Janus, while bringing out a fire extinguisher from a cabinet of the kitchen, “This is the first time we’re deep-frying something,”

Janus almost falls over after taking a bite of the finished donut before managing to catch themselves, “Ohhh..,”

Remus is dancing in the background with a mouthful of donuts

Logan is looking with wonder at the one in his hand, “Best donut we’ve made,”

Logan, “‘Blancmange’ from 1901. Now, ‘Blancmange’ literally translates to ‘white dish’ and judging by the lack of spices here, it certainly is Caucasian,”

Janus, “There’s no jello in this, just the dark arts,”

Logan, holding up a date with a deadpan expression and voice, “This is what a date looks like. Now you’re looking at two fruits,”

Janus, with a sour expression on their face, “What’s more American than bologna and cake? Eating it,”

Remus, to xemself, “Boy, this sure smells like a cake!” Then also to xemself but in a deeper voice, “Louise, I’m taking the kids,”

Janus cracks up

Remus, “You like bologna? Cause there’s a POUND of it!”

Janus, reading the instructions themself, “She says, ‘you’ll find the rest of this recipe quite intuitive!’”

Logan, “No, I don’t. Certainly not!”

Remus, “Your friends are gonna love the circles of indistinct mammal,”

Remus, making a face after taking a bite of the finished product, “Are you supposed to eat this on crackers or on drugs???”

Janus, “I did have to convert this entire recipe from grams into freedom units,”

Janus, “‘The rice is RESIGNED to be overcooked,’ why you gotta say it like that??”

Logan, “Sounds like a court order,”

Remus, “I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU TO BE OVERCOOKED!”

Remus, squinting, “‘Then one half of scolded milk,’” then yells at the milk, “YOU’RE USELESS!!!”

Logan, seeing it was a typo, “No, ‘scalded.’ With an ‘a’,”

Remus, “No, it wasn’t a typo! They want us to yell at the milk!”

Janus, coming back with the rice, “Well, the rice resigned, all right. It is no longer with us,”

Logan, “FOUR TEASPOONS of baking powder! Is this bread going to space??”

Janus, reading the recipe, “‘Bake for 4 hours in a hot oven’ yes, I know it’s hot, you git! IT’S AN OVEN!”

Logan, after taking a bite of the finished rice bread, “Huh. It’s like a really smooth and fluffy cornbread. The rice does more than you think,”

Janus, “Cloves, it’s always the cloves,”

Janus is playing the accordion while waiting for something to bake

Virgil, walking in on Logan, Remus, and Janus, “Now, I’m scared of lots of things, including the IRS, clowns, and,” looks at Janus, “English majors,” looks to what they’re making, “and of beans in where they don’t belong,”

Janus, Remus, and Logan, broke college students, “This is a lot of food!”

Janus and Logan attempt cooking vintage recipes with Patton’s help (incorrect quotes). This is all just slightly altered quotes from bdylanhollis baking tiktoks.

-Logan, to himself, “What are you doing with that tuna, Logan? Oh, you know, making JELLO,”

-Janus, to Patton after tasting the tuna jello, “That’s not food, it’s a war crime,”

-Logan, reading the directions, then Janus saying, “It wants me to plumpen my prunes in water. I’m not plumping my prunes in anything.”

-Logan, after a bit, “Is ‘plumpen’ even a verb?”

-Logan, ”It’s ten PM and I’m boiling prunes in the kitchen,”

-Janus, ”Walnuts aren’t going to save this recipe, sweetie,”

-Logan, “It’s not bad it just vaguely tastes like a felony,”

-Janus, “Of course it uses lard. WHY NOT?!?”

-*cabinet clunks* Janus, “I think I’ve summoned something,”

-Logan, ”Can you make a pie with only 4 ingredients? Yes! I could also eat my mattress,”

-Logan, reading the instructions, “Add three gils of water,”

Janus, “This written for a fish?”

- *Janus dances to jazz music while waiting for a pie to bake*

-Janus, “Do I call the police or a priest?” *oven beeps* “A priest,”

-Logan, “Now I know this is going to be awful because it calls for soured milk. Not buttermilk, not milk and vinegar, no honey, sOURED BAD MILK!” *Janus retches*

- *Janus adds sour cream to the pie* “Call the U.N.”

- *Janus plays the accordion on the kitchen floor while waiting for a pie to bake*

-Logan, “sift your flour three times. Lady, your cake has tomato soup in it this is the leAST OF YOUR WORRIES!”

- *Janus, to himself* “911 what’s your emergency? Yeah, that lady CAROL is at the barbeque again,”

- Patton, “Careful not to overmix,” Janus, “Sorry, I’m just trying to kill it”

-Janus, “I bet this recipe is just all the wrong answers on a baking test,”

- *Janus laughs after taking a bite of cake* “You’re not supposed to WORK!” *Logan nods* “It’s incredible, and I’m mad about it,”

- *Patton cracks an egg and gets shell in the baking mix* “No officer, there’s no shell in here,”

-Logan, “Bake to your liking. Sweetie, none of this is to my liking,”

-Logan, “A spam pie from the 1960s. It’s a little late in the century for war crimes,”

- *Logan opens a can of spam with a look of disgust* “You know, I’ve never been religious, but today might be the day,”

-Logan, “I feel like if I do this correctly, I’ll invoke the spirit of Richard Nixon,”

-Janus “This isn’t food, honey. This is a bioweapon,”

- Logan, “Don’t say it, Patton,”

Patton, “CIMMINIMM!”

-Patton, “Bake for two and a half hours!”

Janus, “Suppose any less and it might gain consciousness,”

-Logan, “This was still the cold war, after all,”

Janus, “Fear of communist bananas were at an all time high,”

-Logan, “The 70s! Sponsored by the color beige,”

-Patton, “Optional walnuts,” *Dumps an entire bag of walnuts in the salad* “WALNUTS ARE NEVER OPTIONAL!”

- *Logan throws the dough at the counter* “NYGEH,”

- *Beans boil over as Patton rushes to the pot* “BEAN REBELLION!”

-Patton, “Eggy!”

Janus, “How many?”

Patton, “I don’t know, it just says eggs,”

- *blender breaks* *Logan grumbles as he pours the mixture into a bowl to mix it* “Oh, this is PERSONAL now,”

- *Logan yelling at the bean pie he, Janus, and Patton made* “WHY ARE YOU GOOD?!? YOU HAVE A BAG OF BEANS IN YOU!”

-Janus, “Mayonnaise! And it’s not just a little bit. It’s a severe unauthorized CUP of mayonnaise!”

-Janus, “Cup of water. Honey, you can’t dilute a war crime,”

-Patton, “Y’know, it’s horrible now, but I hope it turns out okay!”

Janus, “Like children,”

-Janus, “I’m sending you to summer camp,” *laughs as he puts the pan of cake batter in the oven*

-Logan, “For the frosting, we boil milk, sugar, cocoa, and margarine,” *Janus turns on the stove* “FIYAA!”

- *mumbles* “Chop up your dehydrated cow,”

- “It tastes like it’s insulting me,”

-Patton, “Half a cup of mayo!”

Janus, “This went downhill pretty quick,”

-Patton, “Lime jello. More like CRIME jello!”

-Logan, “It’s like reading directions to purgatory,”

-Patton, “Now we have CARBONATED mayonnaise lime water!”

- *Janus is stirring* “Don’t ask me how it smells,”

-Patton, “Marshmallows! With the mayo?!”

- *Patton wiggles jello and laughs hysterically*

-Janus, “A carrot pie from 1919. Before pumpkin pie became king they ate this. They’re dead now,”

- *Patton holds dough in his hands* “Welcome to the world!”

Logan, “It’s awful,” *Janus nods*

- *Logan, to the pie crust* “Get in the pan, please,” “Get in.” “GET IN!”

-Patton, “TIME FOR SOME EGGY!”

-Logan, “Combine all ingredients except for pie shell,”

Janus, “They were really worried we’d mix in a fULLY CONSTRUCTED PIE SHELL INTO THIS?!? I’m a fool, not an idiot,”

-Janus, *Cuts of ends of pie crust* “Any big plans for the weekend?”

- *Logan, to the recipe paper that has a baby printed on it* “Stop looking at me,” *slams post-it not on the baby’s face*

-Patton, “DEMON BABY!”

-Logan, “Thought this was a joke. Turns out I’m the joke,”

- *Logan mixes cake batter manually* *to Patton and Janus* “You can use a mixer, I’m just doing this to feel something,”

-Janus, “Fold in sauerkraut carefully. Or what? I’m going to ruin your disaster?”

- *Logan pours batter into pan* “Can a cake be tried for treason?”

- *Patton goes to put cake into the oven* “In she go-” *oven beeps* “I KNOW IT’S OPEN!”

- *Logan tries a bite of sauerkraut cake* “No. It’s incredible. It feels like coconut! I don’t taste sauerkraut. Either chocolate fixes everything or this is alchemy,”

- *Janus in a happy tone to the pie crust* “You’re gonna die here! Yes!”

-Patton, “Add in one very lonely, very dead EGGY!”

-Janus, “What is with dead people and their obsession with LARD,”

-Patton, “Now we mix baking soda into SOUR CREAM,”

- *Patton opens oven to check if the cake has risen*

Janus, “Has it unionized?”

-Logan, “Supposed I’d enjoy this coal miner cake in a coal mine, but in a coal mine I am not,”

-Janus “I just love it when my salad comes in a brick,”

-Patton, “Bake in oven!”

Logan, “At least the recipe specified the appliance, yeah I was going to bake this in the dishwasher,”

-Patton, “Add eight to ten cups of powdered sugar. Cups? CUPS? Eight is the low end?!?”

-Logan, “Magic ice cream from the Great Depression! Now in my personal experience, depression and ice cream are a match made in heaven, so I have high hopes for this,”

- *Janus tries to get bowl from a high shelf, but everything just ends up falling*

-Logan, “Now, if it’s not folding in properly like mine, you can go and cry. Or put it back in the fridge,”

#this took so long to write #please acknowledge me #logan sanders #remus sanders #janus sanders #implied Loceit #loceit #sanders sides #mintwrites #Please say if you enjoy this

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