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pregnancy is a hoax the baby sprouts out the ground ive seen it happen

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God the 11 year old girls you put on this earth to climb trees and play with plastic animals are buying foundation at the drug store

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i always click the "track package" button as soon as i get the email. "oh boy i wonder where my package is!" warehouse.

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"you are annoying about x & y" okay. this is the being annoying website.

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i do still talk like a middle school boy circa 2012 and things are either gay or swag to me

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The lion does not concern itself with the bank account balance when a little treat is calling

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ideal living situation is what i call the 'sitcom special' : having all your closest friends live in the same apartment building or neighborhood where you each have your own space but can wander in and out of eachothers homes at will, seemingly always welcome and never at bad times. and also all of you only have jobs when its important to the plot.

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bro you gotta relinquish that shit. surrender it bro. it serves you not bro just cast it away.

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truly never getting over the greatest loss streaming services caused: the disappearance of DVD special features. behind the scenes, bloopers, deleted scenes, commentaries, I will never forget you, I will never stop missing you.

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“male loneliness epidemic” and “friendzoning” are similar concepts to me in that the conditions they describe are literally experienced by everyone at some point in their lives but when its men its some sort of profound injustice that needs to be rectified by checks notes giving them unfettered access to the public good that is Women

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there should be a jesus on the cross emoji. not for any religious reasons. just so I can use it for every slight inconvenience.

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It sucks that they got rid of every activity. It’s only phone in bed now. They got rid of everything else

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Kindergarteners will be so proud of themselves for being able to draw a triangle. My GPU can draw tens of thousands of those in a second. You are not special.

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who keeps breaking into my freezer and replacing the trays full of little water with ice cubes

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you can’t kill yourself, the music is about to switch from 4/4 to 6/8. the clarinets are just about to come in bro you can’t miss that

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Wii smoking game where you pretend the wii remote is a cigar and move it to your mouth to puff on it and the screen shows your mii smoking. And the game is called Wii be Smoking

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grateful that my life experience has lead to me having an interesting character and grounded worldview...but GOD i wish i was a trustfund nepotism baby soooo bad