i-wish-to-say-to-sda

[i-wish-to-say-to-sda]

Let me be clear: you know who you are. If you ever find this tumblr account please tell me, no matter what’s going on. Please.

[i-wish-to-say-to-sda]

I love you

I love you

I love you

[i-wish-to-say-to-sda]

Today you confirmed to me that it was never a big mention from you to her that we were ever more than friends. I said okay and that it would be my last question for a while. I just wanted to know if I was hurting her, if she knew we’d been more before and now were actively talking friends. You asked what was happening. I truly hope I wasn’t hurting you by saying another goodbye. I hope it’s a ‘see you later’ in the most literal of senses.

I want to see you again. I want to hear your laugh in my ear. I want to see your smile through my large and dorky rainbow glasses. I want you to hug me so good that you pick me up like I’m as light as a feather. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about the 35 minutes I spent with you in September.

I don’t want to live in regret about the very few minutes I spent with you on November 2nd. You deposited your paycheck while took my Adderall and we sat innocently in my Jeep. My heart leaps when I’m with you. It was the best possible scenario: you brought me an amazing selection of free donuts and I got to just drive with you. I got to keep your address. I saved it as a favorite, even if I’ll never get to use it again.

You did something that day and maybe you’ve forgotten but I never will. You leaned over and put your head on my shoulder and said, “thank you so much for doing this.” And I just wanted the world to stop in that moment. I didn’t get to hug you that day. We even talked about it and we both regretted our separate decisions not to get out of the car and intentionally hug. I wanted to play it cool, like I was okay without one, just casually seeing my great long time friend, doing a favor together, just normal friend stuff. I didn’t know what to do in the driveway either. It felt inappropriate to get out just for a hug but I should have said fuck it and did it anyways. I hope with every single fiber of my being that my last hug from you will not be on September 20th, 2021.

I love you, S. Always and forever. Forever and always.

M

[i-wish-to-say-to-sda]

Today I said enough. My heart and my heart are filled to the brim with thoughts of you. It’s been 25 days since my life radically changed.

On the morning of November 4th we were chatting on Snapchat and I was listening to NPR while I cleaned Susan like I do each morning. I remember the day so vividly because I had an annual meeting that morning and I would reply to you and take notes at the same time because it was on Zoom. I don’t know how it started but you started trying to guess who I’d always been in love with. You asked if it was Jason and I’m sure we both threw up in our mouths. I told you that you knew who it was. You asked if I’d give you and honest and sweet and then asked if it was you. It is you. It’s always been you. We simultaneously “what the fucked” about what the fuck we would do now. I didn’t know. I wanted to know. I wanted to rom-com it so hardcore and just run away together.

Today, it’s been 25 days of knowing. I told Anna, of course, and she won’t let me go around fooling myself into thinking I’m okay. We talked on November 4th and she saw me smile and get giddy talking about what could possibly be. I was so swept up that I thought you’d leave her right away. Not because she deserves that at all, she doesn’t, we both know that, but because my heart was melting all over the place and I wanted you to finally be mine again.

Two days later on November 6th I broke up with him for the second time in my life. Not coincidentally after having talked to you both times. In fact, I broke up with Jason after you gave me hope we could be together and you came and got me that day. You loved me when I needed it most in 2014 and again in 2015 when you told me I deserved better. You never thought you could be talking about you. Or maybe you did and feared I would affirm your incorrect thinking that I just wanted to be your pillow princess when I was never satisfied anywhere else. We know why I never was. Never have been. You’ve known about it each time. Except one, but we don’t talk about her.

Today, I told Shane with a ‘hypothetically speaking’ line and asked him, “Hypothetically speaking would you leave a relationship that you’re unhappy in but your partner really loves you, while also knowing that the one who got away feels the same about you but married someone else, so knowing that the hole in your heart will remain empty and you’ll likely be alone for possibly forever because only one person can fill the void in your heart and you can’t have them and you only have one life to live and the harsh reality is that your one life to live will be without the only one person you ever want to live your life out with.” I’m not very sly, am I. He said yes. I knew he would, of course he would and so should I. It’s not fair or fun or a feel-good experience but I know I need to be alone because how can I be with someone knowing they aren’t the one.

Maybe nobody else believes in soulmates because they don’t have one they’ve met yet. I’ve known mine for 20+ years and spent so many hours loving on you as your friend. I have a million memories of us before 2013. I have thousands of memories of us since 2013.

I want to make a million more. I hope you’ll let me someday.

[i-wish-to-say-to-sda]

“Sorry im taking up so much space in your head”

“It’s my heart. I’m not strong enough to talk to the one who got away everyday and be okay. I wanted to be strong enough but I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself but I need try to be okay without you.”

“I get it. Please put yourself first.”

I probably shouldn’t be listening to a break up playlist today but it feels like that all over again. idk.

[i-wish-to-say-to-sda]

“Sorry, I wasn’t very clear about what I was trying to ask you. I was trying to ask you yesterday morning about me talking to you.. idk what you told her, if she even knows that I exist in this world, if she knows how you got home the other day, or if you just hide your whole phone/Snapchat from her but I was getting worried that she’d think we talk too much so unless she’s cool with you having a wife and a girlfriend lol I wanted to talk to you about me talking to you. I especially don’t want to bother you and it feels like I always am but I’m also just always in my head so I have no idea. I don’t want to do anything wrong or bad or be weird and also it’s just you’re the only one who knows what I know if that makes sense. I don’t want to contribute to you not feeling good though so if you don’t want me to keep talking to you I want to know so I can be good to you because I don’t want to hurt you or be the cause of any bad things for you ever.”

You said, “You can tell me whatever. I'm allowed to have friends lol. She knows you as my friend from high school and dales daughter lol”

It hurt. I hurt. I just want to unalive myself right now. I’m a friend.

[i-wish-to-say-to-sda]

“Youre not going to end up alone.” And all I want is to believe you. All I want is to know the answer. All I want it to know if I’m going to get to spend this one life with my soulmate.

I’m not looking for anything else. I’m not asking for anything from anyone. I’m only sure about one thing and right now it’s that I’m going to be alone.

You’re the only one who can make my next relationship a reality. You’re the only one in the world who has the answer and that’s the only thing I am sure of right now.

[i-wish-to-say-to-sda]

I don’t know what my life is going to look like after I do, but I’m going to end things in January. I’m not going to do this again. I’m not going to continue to let him promise me things and then over, and over, and over, not live up to the way he said he’d treat me. I’m not going to accept being screamed at anymore for not being absolutely perfect. I’m not going to accept having a partner who doesn’t want me for who I am. I’m not going to accept that I have to be the only adult with responsibilities in a relationship. I’m not going to accept anymore being with someone who constantly tells me I’m too much. I’m not going to accept being financially manipulated anymore. I’m not going to accept anymore that it should be my role as a partner to be an emotional punching bag. I’m no longer going to accept a life in which my opinion is blatantly ignored because it may inconvenience him at some point. I’m not going to accept anymore the constant rejection for love, affection, and intimacy. I’m not going to accept anymore that because it has been six years that I should stay due to the length of time I’ve invested. I’m not going to accept anymore that I somehow deserve this and to be treated this way constantly. I’m not going to accept anymore that I’ve been staying because it is scary to leave. I’m no longer going to accept that what I deserve is to be with someone who breaks more promises than they keep. I’m not going to accept anymore that the life I’m going to have is shared with someone who says they’ll change and never has even tried. I need to do what I should have done years ago and now very much regret not doing. I’m going to start over. I’m going to be alone. I’m probably going to be alone for a very long time. This is not the life for me. I can’t do this anymore. I wish it was not this or the alternative but it very much feels that way. I want to find a life that’s worth living for. And I have to find a life that is worth fighting for before I no longer have enough strength to keep fighting.

You told me, “You can do it. You don't need him at all.” and all I want in my life right now is to believe in the you who believes in the me who is strong enough to do this.

[i-wish-to-say-to-sda]

I wish I didn’t have to call you my friend. I wish I could call you. Period. I wish it had been you next to me at the dinner table tonight. I wish I had the courage to send you a picture of my hair after I spent so many hours on it. I wish I could hear, “you’re so beautiful” from you, instead of, “yeah it’s more pink now” from him.

Most of all, I wish I had gotten an answer from you about what to do. What is okay for me to do with my hundreds of thoughts and things every single day I want to say to you. I wish I could tell you I spent almost seven hours yesterday working on secretly separating out my finances from his.

I wish I could say just one thing a day. My heart leaps when I see you’ve taken a 0.07% out of your day to think of me and send me a message. My heart hurts knowing you’re happy and it has to be this way. I’ve always wanted you to be happy. I’ve always wanted you to be happy with me.

I don’t know what I’m going to tell Anna. I’m terrified to tell her I spent almost seven hours yesterday preparing myself for a future in which I’ll probably end up alone because I know you’re not ready.

I just hope you’re ready someday.

[i-wish-to-say-to-sda]

I’m starting over. I wish I could tell you that this isn’t the first tumblr I’ve started for the exclusive reason to write letters to who I know is my soulmate and who I hope is my future husband.

I love you. Forever and always, SDA.