iamawalkinglibrary

[iamawalkinglibrary]

And when all is said and done

The smoke clears

And I realize I'm not searching for you in the ruins

But for myself,

And the pieces of her remaining unaltered

She is safe

And sad

And free all at once.

[iamawalkinglibrary]

And when the wind comes to pass

I follow on broken and battered wings, with shredded feet and bandaged wrists.

I rum for the hills then from them

Belonging to nothing and everything

I am not steady or sure

Tomorrow is always a gamble

But somehow, even the bad feels like a won bet.

I'd rather fly with the wind than be stuck in concrete shoes sizes too small in a home that was never meant for me.

[iamawalkinglibrary]

"I wish I was someone's vice."

"You were mine. But you sent me to rehab."

[iamawalkinglibrary]

How strange it must be,

For your voice to once be church bells in the wind.

Because now all I hear is nails on a chalkboard.

[iamawalkinglibrary]

[iamawalkinglibrary]

[iamawalkinglibrary]

Why go through that heartache with another person if I can just expect it from the same soul forever.

[iamawalkinglibrary]

If I am to wake up, leave, come back, and go to sleep in a silent house.

It had also better be fucking empty.

[iamawalkinglibrary]

[iamawalkinglibrary]

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[iamawalkinglibrary]

[iamawalkinglibrary]

I am homesick for the arms that held me briefly

When my world was falling to pieces

I think of him,

What's worse I compare the two of you.

He'd never swear at me as you do.

He made me feel wanted,

Even if only for a week.

And it could have been more

But in the midst of all the pain you caused,

I had too much respect for you, and not nearly enough for myself.

So instead,

I think of him when you do me wrong.

And I think of all the ways he'd make things right.

How he'd hold my face and call me beautiful,

As he put a hollow tip between your eyes.

How he'd call his crew to take care of your body,

While he'd take care of mine.

I miss that man.

And I hope he's out there, thinking of me sometimes.

Because that last afternoon, as he stepped out of the car.

He helped me out of the passenger seat, reminding me to be careful of my skirt.

He walked me around to the driver's seat and helped me in.

He buckled my seatbelt, and grabbed my chin.

I stared at him wide eyed, wondering what he was doing.

And as he pulled my face in for a kiss, I felt the respect for you die just enought to let him in.

I felt the respect for myself grow enough to admit I wanted him.

Because we knew we wouldn't see each other again, not for a good long while.

And he savored my lips as if I was the sweetest wine.

He pulled back slightly and said

"You have no clue how long I wanted to do that, princess"

"I have to leave, don't I?"

"I'm so sorry, princess. We'll see each other again."

"I believe you, Cowboy. Don't you lie to me."

I see him every day in my mind.

Each time you say something degrading, rude, cruel

I hear him in my ear.

"Stay strong, beautiful."

"I'm not as strong as you think, Cowboy."

"No. You're stronger."

Each time you leave me or blame me for leaving you,

I see him in my mind.

Welcoming me home with open arms.

He's there with the rest of the guys, building us a bonfire amd lighting up the grille.

"I missed you, Princess."

"I missed you too, Cowboy."

And the girls are there waiting for me with a bottle of Jack and a blunt, ready to get their revenge on you for taking me away.

"We missed you, bitch."

"I missed yall bitches even more."

The family I made in the midst of my pain.

Each time you fuck up,

I reach further to them.

Sooner rather than later, you will push me far enough.

And I will fall right back into their arms.

And I don't know if I'll feel bad enough this time around

To choose your familiar pain

Over their unfamiliar comfort.

[iamawalkinglibrary]

I went to school for media production.

I pride myself on the fact that nothing is too loud or too bright.

I can stare right at the sun and not blink, stand next to a jet plane and not cover my ears.

But I'll be damned if I walk into the grocery store alone.

[iamawalkinglibrary]

I have no children,

Yet, I am no stranger to parental feelings.

The joy,pride,stress,sadness.

But nothing has ever come close to the anger.

Hatred.

Grief.

And the helplessness that accompanied all of it, knowing it shouldn't have been my burden to carry, yet I carried it all the same because if I didn't, they had nobody.

I have no children.

But remember who your kids turned to when you failed as a mother.

And be grateful they had me.

Be fucking grateful YOU had me.

You're fucking welcome.

Sincerely,

The eldest daughters.