iamnotawriteer

[iamnotawriteer]

I'm breaking Every day feels like the last Breath

And I'm crawling and scraping the surface I'm pleading and begging for more But it's never enough I'm not enough

I take up too much space I feel too much I am too much For you For her For everyone

I'm not meant for This And neither are you

And neither is she I am searching and pleading for more I am crawling and scraping the floor I am reaching and breaking and falling

I'm falling again And this time, it's all going black

[iamnotawriteer]

I want someone to realize that I need fucking help. I need someone to tell me that I matter to them. I need someone to tell me that I belong here on this fucking earth because every fucking day feels like the last and every fucking day makes me want to sink deeper into this and let it consume me and let it fucking rip me away because I FEEL LIKE no one wants me here and it is so fucking hard and I feel like I shouldn't be here and I don't want to be here and I'm struggling so fucking much and no one notices. Literally no one notices. And no one fucking cares and no one fucking wants me here and I just can't keep going like this I can't keep living like this I can't keep existing liek this something is so so so so wrong with me and I can't do anything about it and I don't know how to fix it and every day feel sleik the last day and every time I want eto just curl up intoa. ball and never fuking come out and I just want to go home and i. just want to be small and taken care of and told that things are going to be okay because I don't fuckign feel okay nothing feels okay nothing feels oaky and will it ever?

[iamnotawriteer]

I feel like I don't have anywhere to express anything anymore, and every time I try to tweet things I feel like the biggest, most pathetic loser. So here I am, returning to my 2014 tumblr account that hasn't been used in years.

In truth, I want the attention, but not in this way. I want people to care about me, without sounding like some pathetic loser who is so self conscious and annoying and needs your pity. It's so frustrating.

I tried to express a desire to feel feminine to my friends and I feel like it got so misconstrued. I just want to feel beautiful and pretty and desired. I don't want people to look at me and immediately think that I'm queer, because I'm also attracted to men, and I feel like men won't be interested in me or won't approach me if they think that I'm not into them. Maybe that's narrow-minded? I don't know. It just fucks with my brain a bit. And I feel like my friends don't get it. And everyone tries to remind me how "beautiful," and "pretty," I am, but I'm not beautiful and pretty like that.

I see a lot of inner beauty in myself, sure. I'm kind, I'm genuine, I want what's best for those around me. But I am not pretty. I am not someone that people look at mouths agape. And it would just be nice. It would just be nice to feel wanted and beautiful and pretty again.

Going through a break-up absolutely destroys your self-confidence – because it reminds you that you are not enough. And you never will be, for that person. And so they let you go. And I am reminded that I am nothing. I am reminded that I am undesirable. I am reminded that I am worthless, useless, a waste of space. Someone who doesn't really deserve to be here.

I feel so beyond help, at this point. I feel so, so unwanted here. I don't feel like I'm worth it, to be honest. Every day is a fucking fight. Every day is like walking through mud and wading through water and hoping, trying, reaching for something, anything to pull you out. Grab you, take you, help you. I'm literally crying out every fucking day, but no one is around to hear me. And it is so beyond painful. It is so beyond fucking painful to not want to be here, and not have the strength or the courage to do anything about it. I feel fucking pathetic, if I'm being honest. I feel fucking worthless.

[iamnotawriteer]

your eyes like small pools of melted gold I asked myself why it still hurt to gaze and couldn't find an answer

your eyes meet mine like a car meets the body of a deer fast, quick, sudden and it hits hard

lying under the new york city stars i scream out, "would you look at me for once?" and the stars yelled back not this time

but when your lips met mine on new years eve i lost any control i had in my hands as i grazed your hips  and pressed my lips

to your waist

[iamnotawriteer]

I thought to myself, "God, she's so beautiful." And I asked myself what it'd be like to be without you, and unfortunately it'd be so broken. You've filled up the cracks of my heart and have made me feel complete once more. The curve of your back reminds me of the mountains I fell in love with and maybe I just fell in love with you. God crafted the Earth with careful hands and every day I am awestruck by it's beauty, but right now I am awestruck by you. He may have been more delicate with you than He was when painting the sky, but He knows He's done well. Your beauty surrounds me the way the ocean does and I want to kiss you every time I catch you out of the corner of my eye. I don't think I could possibly be close enough, I crave you, I crave your touch and your mouth on mine. You're a force to be reckoned with, a soul that is aflame you make me feel like I am dying for I can finally see the light. If you put your heart in my hands I would never let it fall. Give me your all for I've already given you mine. 

[iamnotawriteer]

My lungs are filled with rocks, And I've got fifty more steps to take Before the lights hit Watch your words, Watch your throat Before I saw it in two Before I saw you Before I saw you I had wings, I had teeth and I had rings Around my wrists

And now I have stones in my lungs, Acid in my throat Scars on my heart

Forget your darlings, Forget your sweethearts. 

[iamnotawriteer]

:) 

[iamnotawriteer]

I am so sick of you constantly making me feel lesser than. I am so sick of you making me feel like negative one, when I should feel like a positive ten. I am so sick. I'm so tired and sick of you. Get the fuck out of my brain. Get the fuck away from me. Stay out. Stay out of my brain and away from my body and away from my entire state of mind. Because I am so, so tired. I am exhausted. Let me be. Let me be. Let me be. Let me live. 

[iamnotawriteer]

I'm frustrated. I'm tired of giving my all in friendships and not getting anything in return. I'm so tired of giving YOU my all and although you appreciate it I will never be what you are to me and that's so difficult for me to grasp. I'm sorry I fucked up and I'm sorry we fucked up and I can't seem to get my head around the fact that I don't matter to you I DON'T MATTER. I never mattered. I never will matter. I'm so sick. I'm so so sick of you and her and everything in between the two of you, the mess of lies and the complicated fuck ups and everything involving you. I'm so SICK. I'm so sick. 

[iamnotawriteer]

I am no longer familiar with the parts that compose me. I've changed a lot and maybe I've changed too much. I've become some sort of ticking time bomb, and everyone around me is simply waiting for the explosion. I hurt the ones closest to me. Junior year has resulted in a weight that cannot be lifted from my shoulders, and I'm collapsing. I'm wearing thin, and I'm far too fragile for my own good.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I say, but words don't mean shit. And maybe I'm overcompensating for your lack of compensation. I wish I was. 

I've convinced myself I don't matter, for no one loves me as much as they hate me. And I've convinced myself that I am insignificant. One could never love the sad girl who wastes far too much time with boy bands and television. You could never love someone so naive. Who could ever love me? I'm such a monster, I'm a terrible, horrible, horrendous girl. I'm judgmental, and yet I'm shy. I'm kind, yet I am hateful. I will seek revenge. I'm a contradiction, someone who counteracts everything.

I am everything that I said, "I will never be." 

[iamnotawriteer]

I'm not sad, I'm depressed I'm not angry, I'm furious I'm not happy, I'm overjoyed 

I'm not infatuated with you, I'm in love With your eyes With your voice With your body

I'm in love with the components of you 

[iamnotawriteer]

I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your neck I wanna be your lover, I wanna be the one who you never leave

I want to be the one who you take in your arms and say, "I love you, my dear" I love you, I love you, I love you

I never stopped One might call it an undying love, But it's killing me

An undying love, That's causing me pain, Unrequited love, That leaves me breathless. 

[iamnotawriteer]

Break my heart Break my heart so I can write again I need someone I need you to fall in love with me

[iamnotawriteer]

Writing Advice: by Chuck Palahniuk In six seconds, you’ll hate me. But in six months, you’ll be a better writer. From this point forward—at least for the next half year—you may not use “thought” verbs. These include: Thinks, Knows, Understands, Realizes, Believes, Wants, Remembers, Imagines, Desires, and a hundred others you love to use. The list should also include: Loves and Hates. And it should include: Is and Has, but we’ll get to those later. Until some time around Christmas, you can’t write: Kenny wondered if Monica didn’t like him going out at night…” Instead, you’ll have to Un-pack that to something like: “The mornings after Kenny had stayed out, beyond the last bus, until he’d had to bum a ride or pay for a cab and got home to find Monica faking sleep, faking because she never slept that quiet, those mornings, she’d only put her own cup of coffee in the microwave. Never his.” Instead of characters knowing anything, you must now present the details that allow the reader to know them. Instead of a character wanting something, you must now describe the thing so that the reader wants it. Instead of saying: “Adam knew Gwen liked him.” You’ll have to say: “Between classes, Gwen had always leaned on his locker when he’d go to open it. She’s roll her eyes and shove off with one foot, leaving a black-heel mark on the painted metal, but she also left the smell of her perfume. The combination lock would still be warm from her butt. And the next break, Gwen would be leaned there, again.” In short, no more short-cuts. Only specific sensory detail: action, smell, taste, sound, and feeling. Typically, writers use these “thought” verbs at the beginning of a paragraph (In this form, you can call them “Thesis Statements” and I’ll rail against those, later). In a way, they state the intention of the paragraph. And what follows, illustrates them. For example: “Brenda knew she’d never make the deadline. was backed up from the bridge, past the first eight or nine exits. Her cell phone battery was dead. At home, the dogs would need to go out, or there would be a mess to clean up. Plus, she’d promised to water the plants for her neighbor…” Do you see how the opening “thesis statement” steals the thunder of what follows? Don’t do it. If nothing else, cut the opening sentence and place it after all the others. Better yet, transplant it and change it to: Brenda would never make the deadline. Thinking is abstract. Knowing and believing are intangible. Your story will always be stronger if you just show the physical actions and details of your characters and allow your reader to do the thinking and knowing. And loving and hating. Don’t tell your reader: “Lisa hated Tom.” Instead, make your case like a lawyer in court, detail by detail. Present each piece of evidence. For example: “During roll call, in the breath after the teacher said Tom’s name, in that moment before he could answer, right then, Lisa would whisper-shout ‘Butt Wipe,’ just as Tom was saying, ‘Here’.” One of the most-common mistakes that beginning writers make is leaving their characters alone. Writing, you may be alone. Reading, your audience may be alone. But your character should spend very, very little time alone. Because a solitary character starts thinking or worrying or wondering. For example: Waiting for the bus, Mark started to worry about how long the trip would take…” A better break-down might be: “The schedule said the bus would come by at noon, but Mark’s watch said it was already 11:57. You could see all the way down the road, as far as the Mall, and not see a bus. No doubt, the driver was parked at the turn-around, the far end of the line, taking a nap. The driver was kicked back, asleep, and Mark was going to be late. Or worse, the driver was drinking, and he’d pull up drunk and charge Mark seventy-five cents for death in a fiery traffic accident…” A character alone must lapse into fantasy or memory, but even then you can’t use “thought” verbs or any of their abstract relatives. Oh, and you can just forget about using the verbs forget and remember. No more transitions such as: “Wanda remembered how Nelson used to brush her hair.” Instead: “Back in their sophomore year, Nelson used to brush her hair with smooth, long strokes of his hand.” Again, Un-pack. Don’t take short-cuts. Better yet, get your character with another character, fast. Get them together and get the action started. Let their actions and words show their thoughts. You—stay out of their heads. And while you’re avoiding “thought” verbs, be very wary about using the bland verbs “is” and “have.” For example: “Ann’s eyes are blue.” “Ann has blue eyes.” Versus: “Ann coughed and waved one hand past her face, clearing the cigarette smoke from her eyes, blue eyes, before she smiled…” Instead of bland “is” and “has” statements, try burying your details of what a character has or is, in actions or gestures. At its most basic, this is showing your story instead of telling it. And forever after, once you’ve learned to Un-pack your characters, you’ll hate the lazy writer who settles for: “Jim sat beside the telephone, wondering why Amanda didn’t call.” Please. For now, hate me all you want, but don’t use thought verbs. After Christmas, go crazy, but I’d bet money you won’t. (…) For this month’s homework, pick through your writing and circle every “thought” verb. Then, find some way to eliminate it. Kill it by Un-packing it. Then, pick through some published fiction and do the same thing. Be ruthless. “Marty imagined fish, jumping in the moonlight…” “Nancy recalled the way the wine tasted…” “Larry knew he was a dead man…” Find them. After that, find a way to re-write them. Make them stronger.

(via 1000wordseveryday)

I need to go back to school.

(via cordeliagablewrites)inspiration

(via thescienceofobsession)

[iamnotawriteer]

I'm scared Still not over you 

[iamnotawriteer]

Let the sun embrace  Your bones, your body, your soul  Find yourself, here, now

[iamnotawriteer]

Breathe Make yourself audible in all of this mess You're a hurricane, Always forcing yourself through like the tides,  As if to say, "Make room for me!" 

Learning the galaxy that is your brain, I found that I could never Love you properly

And you could never love me,  For with all your responsibilities,  I am simply another face,  Without a name