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can't fucking believe I got yelled at by my boss for being on time
#'i noticed you showed up exactly on time for our last two site visits. please turn up 10min early to sit in your hot car and sweat'#is that what you want from me?? am i seriously in trouble for NOT being late???
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turning out to be a big week for me re: being out and in public
my powerpoint night at the gay bar went GREAT
#using micah at the gay bar has directly led to using that name at therapy + probably soon with most of my friends#this change has made the most profound difference in liking who i am that i have ever experienced
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trapped in my phone and i have to make an original post to get out
#i don't know why the fuck my brain works like this but i sincerely can't do anything i'm accountable for until i actively do smth For Me#my brain is like 'no self respecting individual makes emails their first priority. prove that ur not whipped'
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life hack #1 get 3 meals a day drink water and don't forget to stretch
life hack #2 if you don't feel like talking, ask questions
#therapy wore me out#we're getting a lot of mileage out of 'what do you mean by x?' and 'tell me more about that'
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my powerpoint night at the gay bar went GREAT
#i made the audience laugh on every slide and i made two new friends and the incredibly intimidating firebreather came over to talk to me!!#the bartender (who didn't even see it bc it was on the patio) recognized me and called me sweetheart!#and bc i put my name on the slide suddenly EVERYONE at this bar is calling me micah#i did not think about that at all but it was euphoric#(especially coupled with the wave of giddy relief after speaking to a crowd and doing it successfully)#but it was almost like i came out to everyone in this bar all at once#it was kind of incredible
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how do I get the deep tissue massage of digging the point of my elbow into the area right above my sore knee while I'm reading, but this time intentionally
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ok post canceled it was 95% being hangry
ah it makes me so mad when I get something wrong that I thought I understood. what am I supposed to do about this. like if I swallow down the feeling and just devote myself to learning it correctly, does that count as processing it. I don't think it does because I'm still mad and it will just get pointed at something else. but what do I do to quit being mad
is this a situation where I need to tell myself "it is ok to be wrong and your mistake was an easy one to make. it is ok that getting it wrong on a review test will make you start over learning this kanji again from close to the beginning, because you don't want to learn it wrong. learning words 型 appears in will help, even though you are frustrated that the otherwise excellent app doesn't make it easy to learn and review the vocabulary it tests you on. also you need to eat a real meal maybe then you'd be less mad"
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ah it makes me so mad when I get something wrong that I thought I understood. what am I supposed to do about this. like if I swallow down the feeling and just devote myself to learning it correctly, does that count as processing it. I don't think it does because I'm still mad and it will just get pointed at something else. but what do I do to quit being mad
is this a situation where I need to tell myself "it is ok to be wrong and your mistake was an easy one to make. it is ok that getting it wrong on a review test will make you start over learning this kanji again from close to the beginning, because you don't want to learn it wrong. learning words 型 appears in will help, even though you are frustrated that the otherwise excellent app doesn't make it easy to learn and review the vocabulary it tests you on. also you need to eat a real meal maybe then you'd be less mad"
#i got mad about mixing up a G4 kanji (型) with a simpler G2 kanji (形) with the same radical and a similar meaning#plus all pronunciations for 型 are also pronunciations for 形#ugh!! frustrating!#i think i have now done my best and i REALLY need to eat something
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frankly surreal to draw from the tarot deck and have my fate revealed by neopets™ brand characters. lord darigan says say goodbye to my friend group as i know it
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small steps to mark: donated some clothes to a gender affirming clothes swap
#i was telling my therapist a long time ago that hanging onto old clothes felt like hanging onto old versions of me#a realization i was having in real time#i felt like i owed something to her or the people who loved her; to keep her things around long past the point of her being able to use them#today i passed along my confirmation dress and a little cocktail dress i got around the same time#and a dress that I've just seldom worn and seems like it might suit the right girl#by the time i left the swap the confirmation dress had been claimed and idk. it felt rly nice as that was the one i felt sentimental about#i didn't find anything in particular i would consider gender affirming bc my idea of gender is weird#mainly i just want to wear things that are less my default (churchy feminine conservative) idea of 'looking nice' and more myself#i found a cool black top with a fun white pattern and some pride themed bike shorts lol#next time i go thrifting i'll consign some stuff i'm less attached to#and we'll see what i can find that suits me more
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everyone so skeptical of my claim that i don't feel a thing from coffee. could someone affected by caffeine do THIS (passes out for 8 blissful hours)
it's amazing how I still turn to coffee when I'm feeling tired even though I can drink three cups of it at 11:30pm and still go to bed at my usual time
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it's wild to be the person your friends look to in order to check in on the person they know is Your Friend. like yeah we know them but more importantly we know YOU know them
#and the thing is i DO know them and i think i DO know what to do or not do and goddammit i am going to be the best friend i can#i'm just not used to being the one anyone looks to first for interpersonal issues
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taylor heise celebrity crush incoming
#she is like the classical star player team captain allstate athlete#friendly personable outgoing likable#hard not to be a little starstruck
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my qpp has a signature sandwich so good that I'd **** ***** **** ****** ***** as a thank you if that was their thing at all
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Rukiye Garip,B. (1964) Turkey
Watercolor on Paper 22 W x 29.9 H x 0.1 D in
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Turn your face to the sun, let the shadows fall behind you
Once a lady told me - nikki giovanni/the hours - michael cunningham/stone butch blues - leslie feinberg/ @inkskinned/ @podencos/unknown /@mazzartyarts/ @/priyasharmax, unknown site/@akindplace /the orange - wendy cope/towards the sun - rihanna
Requested here
#today i was stuck in traffic behind a school bus for long enough to notice that there was a kid staring at me#not like he was noticing me more like he'd been looking out the window and his eyes happened to fall on my car; and then he got to wondering#what i was up to and where i might be going. you know. making up a story in your head about a stranger#and so i gave him just the littlest wave and a sly little smile. like 'i see you'#and the way he JUMPED he literally startled and fully ducked down behind the seat back and peeked back around the corner like 8|#i literally laughed out loud#another kid waved at me and i waved back and then i scooted back into traffic and drove away#i hope those kids got a kick out of it because i sure did#it felt nice to be alive
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updated the name on my ***** ******* fully out of spite and frustration but it legit made me 🥺
my roommate: omg did you see, this letter is addressed to micah [lastname]? it's soooo funny they think that's your name when it's actually [deadname]!
#it is insane to realize how much dropping an old name makes me feel unburdened and like. happy. just happy#so much work in therapy not even to figure out what makes me happy but to shed things that make me unhappy#and i've been unhappy in myself for so long that this sensation that. i'm lovable? i'm me? /my/ life is worth living? it's new#i want more of it.
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