iamshelloi

[iamshelloi]

Is God mad at me?

I want to begin by saying that today I’m down in the dumps and another turn of events that happened somehow am I to blame. It's an awful, shady, and aloof place when you feel like God is punishing you (I know the emotion too well). I wish I was writing from a delighted place, but my heart is shattered, saddened and I weep as I write this.

I'm down and out, rebuff is something I'm very familiar with, I’m dealing with health problems, drowning, and suffering from daily pain and unable to weigh up because of it. I don't have retorts for why things happen thus and thus that I feel so abandoned by God, I ask why? all the time… Am I a bad person? Why I’m having a bad break?

It seems true that our difficulties are the result of our own bad choices - you get to pay the price of your actions   and/or a test of faith.  God is just. He may be merciful and compassionate, but He makes sure that justice will be served. For this reason, even if you repent from what you did, still, you cannot escape the consequences of your mistakes.

That strikes me. I wish I had the right words and actions to console each day. I have my great support system - my family, and my beautiful kids, and nonetheless it doesn't work out all my problems, but I must thank God for the good things He has given me. It's hard, I know. This too shall pass. I should pray for insight and harmony in my heart to take and comprehend that He is in control of my life, that he loves me, as difficult as it may seem.  

To everyone, God is there even when we think he isn't listening. Please know God loves us all and unfortunately life for some is much harder than for others. Remains faithful and he will see you through whatever you’re going through. God never gives up on us. Don't give up on him. we must all sit tight to our battling faith and not loose heart on hope. God is hope, he is love; ever and anon we don't feel it.

I know it's easier said than done but please know you’re not the only one suffering. I'm praying everyone finds peace and happiness.

To God be the greater glory.

[iamshelloi]

8 years after to experience this again, someone beat same in my everything.

My little peanut is now 11 weeks old. Happy when I saw you in screen. I heard lullabys when I felt your heartbeat. Its heaven!!

However, I had a cyst in my right ovary. The doctor said its normal during pregnancy. If its getting better we need to undergo an operation.

Mixed emotions.

Tangled. Sighed. Fingers-crossed.

[iamshelloi]

Our little Christmas tree. Merry Christmas from ours to yours! :-)

[iamshelloi]

The little one has finally decided to show. :-)

[iamshelloi]

scrolling up and down.. memories...

[iamshelloi]

[iamshelloi]

This place sure puts into something perspective, our God is amazing. DOne and done, what a Canibad experienced was esp. those strairs I wonder how long that be. Importantly, its free (company outing).

[iamshelloi]

My Jericho.

[iamshelloi]

Back after a month. Misses on tipping my finger writing something lyrical in my dashboard. For now, let me post 1st some random pictures to share.

[iamshelloi]

Congratulations Buddy! Good job for making it to the honors list. Proudest Mom on earth.   I would also like to take this chance to thank our dear Mama who has been with us always, for taking good care of Ken, I wouldn't be able to do what I do without you. Love you both plus Papa too.

[iamshelloi]

Everything was okay, then something came along that made me upset. As of this moment, I wanna scream and go to a place where I can weep and breathe.

[iamshelloi]

Thank you, Saint Expedite. Glory to you!

[iamshelloi]

You talked to me. I smiled. I laughed and everything I ever hated about you was forgotten in an instant. For once, I can’t imagined that you can be that interesting, you never be my choice. Suddenly it strikes me, the love as it dies but you bury it alive. You don’t know how many times I tried not to care but this little differences getting you out from my heart is another story. Love is a strange thing, so now, my life would be suck without you. 

[iamshelloi]

7 years ago today, this little man head was born and I can’t possibly expect my life to get any better than this. I’ve somehow forgotten about all those moments of emptiness. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into but I knew you were a gift from God.

Time is passing so quickly, I was excited to make every day I continue to have with you count. You're growing up fast, never to return to that of a little man head anymore. You are now that big buddy already-- you dishing up, you do bathes, you exchange dialogues, you make your own choices, and then you gave me your "last six-year old x-o-x-o" before going me to work. Oh emo-o-o-o mommy!

In serious note, I work harder than I ever thought I would be willing to. I strive to be even better. Most of all, I have him to keep me going. I have him to keep reminding me why I want to do this. Why there’s no reason for me to fail anymore. I have him to make me feel like every difficult task I have to take on will be easy peazy, extremely easy because I’m doing it all for him.

Oh well, I think this is why our little walks going to school have been so special lately. Later on, you will do that alone. I have been so amazed at the boy that you are--the chatty, the comic-side, the semi-rascal boy. I love that you want to hold my hand, that I love you's of yours, that you chose basketball than to bond with me and that the moment you said "Bilis Mama, ma-late na ako sa school" though it's just 6:00am. I know that too will pass, but for now, it is such a blessing to me. I’ll never forget to treasure the times I have with him.

However, things get really hard but I know that everything will pay off eventually and I am most fervent about. Happy Birthday, Kenno. I love you buddy. Thank you for teaching me, day by day, a little more about how to live.! 🍰 🍦🎉

[iamshelloi]

Thirty-eight days remaining for this year but it feels like this year has been longer than the three hundred twenty-seven days that has passed. However, thankful in this book as my daily shepherd and I am determined to keep Your decrees to the very end. #2015

[iamshelloi]

Hassled. It’s that icky feeling after a very demanding circumstances; a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse.

When you gloss over vomit tangled thoughts over the whole day work. When you use selective hearing while sharing a conversation with your office mates yet still overhear your mind is talking, saying, “Hey, I’m here, mind me?”. It’s that icky feeling.

Just like you wanted somebody to chat too. Open the things that gave you a heavy heart. Suddenly, you can’t. And so, you have no choice but to keep it alone because you might be rejected that nobody will listen and help you. It’s that icky nasty feeling.

Then a minute you decide you’ll be able to handle the tomorrows with no struggle, so you sow your eyes wide open, keep your brain entertained with intellectual/positive readings to flare up ideas and you’d otherwise choose to never that really come across however burdens never bang you away. Made you on on beast mode. Roar! It’s that icky worst feeling.

Oh! that icky feeling.

[iamshelloi]

I haven’t actually blogging in a long time. At this time, writing doesn’t save me. If I feel wrong or unpleasant at home/office, I immediately wanted to tip my finger writing my feeling to something lyrical in my dashboard. In some way, to write lessen my emotions. It wouldn’t have mattered if I renovated the spaces between my fingers as clauses to describe how I felt, sadly I realized it was all pointless …in the end. I’m just telling the sadness in me. I spent flattering my loneliness; I guess I was only making it poorer.

I’m evaluating whether I should stop for a while otherwise find some other way to make well. When I write somehow I’m at peace, maybe for now, it’s pointless. I wish I could be back the thrilled of feeling loving to write, maybe in time.