ibelieveinghost

[ibelieveinghost]

5/13/2025

hello! wow it had been a long time yet again. just came back from visiting parents+ our amazing roadtrip and a few days back into work. work's not looking good. a few more hiccups here and there. relationship-wise, i'm still hurt, but i'm tolerating it better.

updates:

finally changed my keyboard switch!! and i love how it sounds now(kalih box jade)

struggling(hard) with drawing/posting this past couple weeks

struggling(even harder) with self/connection in general

lost and confused, still

wow what kind of updates is this lol

been getting 10+hrs of sleep recently bc that's just how TIRED my body was

kinda wanna go shopping, or at least get my summer clothes out

oh the sound of me typing. this is therapy

talked to julia

talked to C

met K. she's... well, i feel conflicted. it's a long story. but at this rate i think her actions are going to hurt people who trusted her. well, it's not my position to intervene...yet. but honestly i hate to see it happens and hope it never well.

my gfs are stressing, but doing okay overall

kinda feeling like doing karaoke again

oh, my other tumblr account was shadowbanned and it sucked ass

passed GRE with...decent scores. not as good as i expected but with the little time i had for prep. i forgive myself

realize that i still need to heal from past events, and that it's a personal responsibility i'd better take care of

well, i could jolt down more, but 16 is a lovely number, so i'll stop here.

there's still hope here. there's always hope here.

[ibelieveinghost]

4/26/2025

a quiiick entry before i leave the country to visit my parents.

hello there! i'm feeling a lot better. i tried a lot of things and honestly don't know what works--but i'm better.

what happened(roughly):

took GRE yesterday; got ~ 165 165 which is pretty amazing given how little time/energy i have for prep. quite literally never find the time to do a single mock test. i'm happy w it and can't wait to see how i did on the writing task

finished watching the sopranos!

made a new friend

oh, had my birthday! and i went to FUJI Q (1st time in 9 years since my first visit to JP~)

professional networking; got involved w a local researchers/scientists org

coding test + interview

work still sucks and we're only allowed to wfh for ONE day per week now it's pure pure agony

almost got the PR application rolling but it turned out that i should wait till sept

that's pretty much it???

ohh i went to the hinds live the other day:

(iMovie my old faithful)

what's next:

recap

family trip!! woo hoo i LOVE road trips w/ my parents.

will chill for the rest of may and then pick up my german + DB cert prep again in June

gotta finish packing. until next time

[ibelieveinghost]

4/13/2025

here to vent again. woke up to this horrible feeling. of disappointment. wanting reconciliation/commitment. reassurance and no further let downs.

it's not like idk this is still about me not wanting to give in to the ebbs and flows, that this is still about control. everybody been saying acknowledging it help, let's hope we're getting there somehow, someday.

a few things i'm anxious abt as we speak:

this one's silly: my art posts are getting less likes on the other blog. i love those little pieces of drawing, i want them to be seen and loved.

situation w R. this one is improving, but it opens up old wounds from long before his presence in all this.

the upcoming GRE; feeling that i'm not preping much(i'm not) the least i can do is this one last week. it doesn't have to be perfect but i need to know that i did the best i could. not like this. less MH and more quant till 4/24. be mentally prepared to take the damn thing again. also, the questions bank i've been working on... maybe i should switch to something easier. need sectioned verbal too just to get used to it. need to go over my notes too and prob print out everything.

ok. almost time to go. asked one of M's friend out for pizza today. idk i kinda like that girl despite not knowing her much. better not be late!

[ibelieveinghost]

4/11/2025

ok too much pizza and too much wine but at least im a little happier even just for a while.

had another horrible horrible day and my heart was suffering extra bc of something. god knows how much i want to appear normal in front of everyone and everything. but fuck it. may idc. still as confused as ever. but i know there's always love in me. i still feel full. i feel like shit but rarely empty.

it's the weekend again. i'll go see a friend and idk maybe going somewhere else. been wanting to visit the natural history museum again. and i can def handle more MH. hell, maybe i'll take the shinkansen to karuizawa again.

[ibelieveinghost]

4/10/2025

hey hey hi here we are again. heavy heart and all that still

been on the phone with mom for hours. she seems to be doing well. she's been reading a awful lot. she has a inner world that's so much bigger and more colorful than whatever that's going on externally, and i'm happy for her for that.

i guess it's fair to say that i'm still struggling. but there has been some changes. anyways... lost track of whatever i was trying to say. hm, lets start small.. for the rest of tonight i will:

take a bath

clean the bathroom

some more GRE Q (DONE but horrible pretty much braindead after a day at work and doing Quant Q w/o scratch paper is madness to begin w) still feeling extremely underprepared. am i really getting stupid after all the years

the negativity again

and the expectations

like seriously what do i do and what did i do wrong

more confused than ever

but here's a photo of the 2 girls(much beloved) at the izakaya on my way to work. ran into them again this morning and it never failed to make my day:

[ibelieveinghost]

4/6/2025

my biggest fear is that i dont love life the way i always do anymore. that there might had been a permanent change in the fibers of my being. some irreversible damage. followed by this numbness

[ibelieveinghost]

3/31/2025

not kidding here when i say this f job is killing me. a manager who's been generally nice asked me for dinner today and i knew it's no good. turned out to be 2 hrs of pushing more work into my schedule and (at least to me) extremely sexist, uncalled for comments. basically he asked me if i'm dating this other guy at work bc we seem 'too close' and warned me that it looks bad and affects me blah blah. like hell i was dating anyone and how is that a even a question to begin with, especially from someone in his position&has absolute power over me at work. i wasn't prepared for that dinner and the asexual in me am still shocked and offended, like how dare you fucking assuming me seeing someone as romantic interest just bc i look like a girl. just bc of our supposed genders. and how the hell is that your business. i know japan is pretty backward but how is this shit even real. fuck this

i really fucking hate working here. i like everything else about my life expect this fucking shit show of a job. agh, don't want to be negative here. tonight was too much a shock.

i hate it. i hate it hate it hate it and i hate how much it stirs me all up. i hate being a hater. i hate the way it made me disappointed in people because i know it's just one occasion. and not all people are like that. i hate the way it makes me wonder do we live just to have more horror stories to tell. there's a limit to how much you're willing to give up for anything. will i just grow numb to this or what. should i accept this. every single person at work put up with various levels of shit and why can't i. what makes me so f different. idk anymore. i don't like this.

[ibelieveinghost]

3/28/25

hell0! like what is this girl only having bad days now? yeah i cried again today. honestly. at the point. idk what to think. the situation is simply fucked. not the time to talk about yet.

some positivity:

i been posting my art everyday now

some people actually seemed to like the things i made as much as i do

i been taking my little camera(her name is julienne)out for walks a lot lately

we're pretty much well into the spring season here in tokyo

i'm not depressed. but i'm often frustrated and disappointed. hopeless and agitated lately. thanks to certain situation. i guess the positive part is that i'm actively claiming and coping and doing me best. so it belongs here in the positive list

i've just realized the bond me and mom shared was deepened(to a great extent too) over the past couple years. it is a bless. i'm so grateful for it.

i was feeling restless lying down and spiraling into the deep dark pit and i got myself out of bed to first wrote on my journal and then here. still need to get up early for work, so i'll stop soon

i guess this kinda thing just not suppose to be easy. we're not even talking about the relationship part. just the quit your fucking PhD and your unfulfilled goals/plans/grandiose dream move to another country where you barely speak the language secure a pretty decent job feed your self fighting all the fears and losses while keeping your soul intact and mental in check.

fuck. i'm tired. but here's a pic of my juli. she's bejeweled:

tomorrow is another day

[ibelieveinghost]

3/22/25

hello! it's a beautiful day. think i'm going somewhere later. called parents last night and the night before. they sounded cheerful, as always. i really, really can't wait for that trip with them in April.

started watching sopranos for the first time. been MH too. speaking of other things that had been weighting me down, i guess getting fed up is the only way(hopefully not just so in the future) for me to actually walk away. yep. anyway! i'm doing better. i'm still posting my art on the other account, and don't see myself stopping anytime soon. will be taking care of the visa related stuff/my visibly declining health.

i went to the island amusement park the other day on a whim. too lazy to actually find the ones to post so here's a screenshot of like...5% of what i took that day. i love how this camera see the sky and be like: ah, purple. the sunset was beautiful that day.

and this again:)

ok..! gotta go.

[ibelieveinghost]

3/19/25

it is snowing right now in tokyo. can't believe people are calling this heavy snow, haha. no, it's not. proper snow doesn't turn immediately into water. i miss a good snow. well, still not the chicago snow. got the ticket for wicked this afternoon. i might get out of the room even before then. it's a cold, cold day. not that i dont like it.

didn't sleep all that much last night. not remembering much helps. there're facts that need to be accepted. ignored at least. buried. it will pass. had happened before, will happen this time around too.

i need to reach out to kara to see if she's okay. i still got her birthday present. she's probably not doing super too. all the more reasons to check up on her. might call mom later too. or more MH. more grieving. there's time for everything

it's just another day

[ibelieveinghost]

3/17/25

i'm yet again baffled and ashamed by my inability to act in my best interests and that of the others... i know the right things to do, and the survival instincts of the part of me that's gutted and near bleed out won again. i let my broken heart reign over again, and it's not over--because i don't want it to. justifications, holes, the unchosen, the abyss. blames. the game played us.

despite it all my room's still impeccably clean. i cleaned my beautiful floor with great care this morning. any excuse to not do chores is a sorry ass excuse. or maybe now it's not the time to keep things tidy. i wouldn't know. i should eat instead of deep cleaning my bathroom. my body needs nourishments as much as i need to write it all out. am i weak? what does it take to heal.

the gloomy morning turned bright just now. the possibility of it being a beautiful day is out there. i am in my room, technically work from home although i'm not doing shit. the computer doesn't need me. i'm not well. the unwellness is not something that solves itself. i tried and tried and will try again.

my room:

[ibelieveinghost]

3/12/25

i can't put how tried i am at this point into words but i want to write here despite the urge the lay down(and disappear)

so here's a quick one. let the record be shown that a lot happened on 3/12/2025, and here i am hoping that this is not just history repeats itself. that this is not me stuck in a never ending loop again. backed into a corner again. i wish for the better. i chose to have faith in another person yet still take a step away. temporarily. indefinitely. i'm tired of goodbyes. but i need to find the strength in myself first. and i can be kind and forgiving in the process. this is the breakthrough. i can feel it. and i WILL be strong.

ok bath now i'm literally dying but yep tonight itself was pretty magical. it rained the entire day and stopped couple hours ago. the city is kinda foggy now. steamy cold, if thats a thing. and it smells like spring, definitely not winter. a cold, cold, wet early spring night.where tears were shed. like any other day, it's eternal now.

[ibelieveinghost]

2/28/25

Hello! Last day of work of this terrible, terrible week. 30 min to go. I’m slacking off obviously. I need this… the micromanagement here is REAL. But my supervisor himself didn’t even show up on half of the days anyway(and so is today), so who the f care.

So i bought the new MH game, like i finally gave up fighting the very idea after weeks of inner dialogue 2 hours ago and bought the damn thing at full price. I honestly don’t think my inner child will ever shut up abt it if i don’t. 30 min away from some much needed monster hunting haha. Damn I’ve been indulging myself lately. I think this is good. I can afford all this and it’s soooooooooo much better than doing the opposite.

(3/1/25)

2 in 1! Haha… forgot to post t yesterday.

I think i had the best 3/1 in the history of 3/1s today. Waking up from typical nightmares(screamed and cried in one of them, woke self up around 5: 30) studying for GRE, playing MH, McD breakfast delivered. Feeling drowsy, a bit of stretching, more chores. flipped thru a paper book. Sit on the patio, airplane watching. Took a long walk to the supermarket 3 train stops away. Got interesting food items. Took a new route home in a quaint residential area. The sky was pink and lavender, and i was in awe. Walked past 5+ florist shops. Surprisingly not a lot of people around on a Saturday late afternoon before the sunset. Many pairs of father/son riding(separate) bicycles observed. Very nice to see.

The definitive first day of the spring in Tokyo this year. The vibes were perfect. I don’t have a lot else to say. Not 100% stress free but nevertheless a better day than a lot of the rest. A day that is soon to be looked back fondly… it reminds me of when i was around 8-10… this is how before dusk feels like during those days…

Any way! I’m off to a quick store bought dinner and more monster hunting. Will call parents tonight too.

Until next time:)

[ibelieveinghost]

2/24/25

another not so great day. actually, got a lot done today. so productivity-wise i'm getting there. 12 days till the GRE. a lot of work still need to be done. not super worried about it if i can get into the zone. well.. that part's not looking great. been not feeling great. a lot. tired and hope...less. need a lot of music. need a lot of this:

somehow... somehow i seemed to be able to write myself out of this place in the past. so here it goes again.

i really don't want to go to work tomorrow. just dread. dread. dread. not much to say. can't put those into words. don't want to.

try what makes me happy at least a little? yeah, been doing that throughout the day. anticipatory despair hit anyway. now i'm just dreading everything.

honestly, i don't think a lot of us are doing well in a world like this. i know i know that does sound big and empty. but honestly, we're all just getting by here. i do still hope things getting better eventually. i do still believe that each and everyone of us has options. and free will to some extent. i believe we're all self-sustained and sufficient by design. it's just very hard sometimes. and when a lot just suck around you, you can suffer less by not caring i guess, but if you can't do that all the time. i think it's okay to feel like shit.

at the very least we got good music like finally?? hello? the pop girls are fun again! it's so great that i still have a functional pair of ears right, haha.

yeah, gotta go to bed now. might not show up at work tomorrow anyhow. good night and sweet dream to me and everyone... tomorrow is another day.

[ibelieveinghost]

2/23/25

some f loser hacked my PS account and locked me out on all devices last night. had to call credit card company to repute those damn purchases. it was a nightmare. and after a night of no sleep... i really don't feel like talking abt it here any further.

extremely demotivated. yesterday (and i guess in a sense the entirety of last week) wasn't easy to begin with. feeling hopeless and deeply disappointed. i don't want to squander the long weekend, but everything feels... IS impossible right now. physically, drained and sleep deprived. mentally i'm doing worse than ever... well, still not like the 2020, but i fear we're getting there. and i would FIGHT for it to not happen again. what do i do. what do i do?

i think what i'm experiencing right now is paralysis. sure i'm definitely not operating at full capacity. but i could be at 30% and feeling like 1% there's a mental blockage there somewhere, and part of me wants to fight it. it's like i don't believe that i'm actually that worn out and useless. haha, is this good? is this healthy? i truly can't tell.

not feeling much better. but guess i'll do. there will be ups and downs and this is one of the downs. and those aren't suppose to feel good. i know if sucked a lot lot more recently, but.. let's stop talking. and maybe thinking too. you're tired and frustrated and mad at yourself for things' that are not entirely within your control. and you're starving. it will get better. now go feed yourself.

[ibelieveinghost]

2/15/25

i felt funny today. the sad kind.

mom's still not doing great. i can't make her see it the way i do. i felt bad for even forcing her into it, but it worked for me. i'd been at that exact same place. but i think i'm doing it all wrong this time, and i made her felt even worse. here we are. stuck at that place and forced to stay against our wills. ain't this all life is about

missed my water bill by 3 days. kinda not my fault. i was bed bound this past week. yes, the whole fucking week. i hate this condition for rendering me physically useless.

bur today... for the first time this week i gotta go out and finally get some grocery. honestly, it wasn't even that bad this time. the pain was okay, but i was still weak. weak as i was i am still here. still ready. haha, yes. here's to the beginning of another cycle! also, finished Arcane in 2 days(finally!), thanks to not being able to do much else. i love it, haha. i got a lot to say! but not out loud and not right now. i'll do it for another time,

it's great that i kept posting here. it's nice to go back and read my old diaries. kinda missed that high energy of 2-yr-ago me. job hunting and working this 9-5 sure take a toll, but not the forever kind. anyway.. i love that girl and i love this girl now.

ok i'ma go make myself some dinner. one last thing: i been OBSESSED with Chappell Roan. still don't know much about her as a person but GOD her songs make me feel so GAY and happy.

bye!

[ibelieveinghost]

2/9/2025

had a good cry just now. feeling almost sick. ears burning. cheeks too. internally i guess i'm at a better place better now.

some video reminded me of my dog... won't go into the details here. i'm done crying tonight.

it was nice having R listening to me the whole time... i really, really appreciate that. there will be better days, and those days are coming our way. i have faith in that.

i have faith in everything. i want to believe