ibuiltmyhousethisway

[ibuiltmyhousethisway]

I’ve only got an hour before I have to go back to Riverwoods. I was allowed home to pack certain essentials to stay in their more long-term care at Serenity Village and to say goodbye (we’re only allowed 30 minutes on the patient computers and then pretty much only to check email if you have the clearance to do so).

Anyway, last Wednesday I voluntarily committed myself to a behavioral and psychiatric care facility. I had given in to the violent as well as suicidal thoughts that had been plaguing me a week or so prior. I made a noose out of a slip knot and had impulsively sent a picture of it to someone I thought was my friend along with a slew of various other intrusive thoughts. Before I could finish myself, my mother had walked in to the bathroom. We went downstairs and I then agreed to voluntarily commit myself to a behavioral care facility.

I have since been formally diagnosed with Severe Depressive Disorder as well as Histrionic Personality Disorder. While it is in the same category as Narcissistic personality disorder (both are considered “cluster b” disorders), there are some key differences. NPD people are grandiose, and believe they have superiority with themselves and their abilities, and try to keep themselves apart from the group. HPD people do NOT have this, instead they are the opposite and will do anything to fit in. A person with NPD would never allow themselves to be seen as vulnerable to anyone, whereas HPD people exaggerate their vulnerability.

With HPD, efforts to get attention may seem excessively emotional or dramatic. People living with this condition may become upset easily and shift rapidly between moods. This extreme emotionality, a hallmark of histrionic personality, is less common with narcissism. People with narcissism usually show less emotion and tend to be more reserved and self-possessed.

...People with HPD may struggle in relationships for different reasons. A desire for gratification and excitement can lead to boredom in long-term relationships, and they may seek new partners frequently. Histrionic personality is also marked by a tendency to consider relationships more intimate than they actually are. Having to face the true nature of a relationship may lead to distress.

In relationships, people with HPD often depend very strongly on partners and may act in manipulative ways in order to get attention or comfort. However, people with HPD can and do show empathy and compassion for the needs and feelings of others.

~Histrionic vs Narcissistic , Goodtherapy

So if any of you still insist that I am a narcissist, it’s extremely fucking ableist because that’s not what I have.

Anyway, from what I heard from friends and even my own mother, ya’ll have been very unkind to people in my life who thought you had a genuine interest in seeing me get help. Instead, you accused a long-standing friend of being my sockpuppet even after repeated attempts of her (and she is fucking real)  stating otherwise. For people that have been through my friends list on Facebook, ya’ll seemed to have missed (I’m believing on purpose just to be cruel to her and me) a Courtney D. You scared and triggered her to the point of deleting because she didn’t want to show you her face and then accuse her of being me because of that? That’s just as messed up man. She had just felt safe enough to come back to Tumblr after a stalking situation too.

I was allowed to talk to her while I waited to be seen in the waiting room. My mom took the phone when I left for official intake and medical examination. Because it was voluntary and I hadn’t taken or done anything that would require immediate medical attention, I had more leeway in the waiting room which was about 15 minutes tops. So I was allowed a 5 minute facetime call with a family friend I knew I could trust and could dm and text a few other people about where I was and what was happening during that time.

I’m ending this with photos of my official discharge from the temporary program. Don’t bother interacting with this blog, especially if all you want to do is find my progress fake. I created this blog with a temporary email and won’t be signing in after this due to the facility having tumblr blocked and because I won’t be here to answer or check anyway.

@sephet @medicinemane @danguy96 @obliviousfloral​