icedcoffee-n-nicotine

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rules to keep me in place

- no eating before 11am or after 8pm.

- calorie budget of 800, 1000 for weekends.

- no purging.

- waterwaterwaterwaterwater

- fast every sunday, tuesday, thursday.

- end a fast w something light and full of protein. i.e. eggs, nuts, etc.

- when fasting, drink green tea to feel a bit fuller.

- always carry something sweet in the case of dizziness.

- always make time for exercising, even if it's for 15 minutes.

- eat a small breakfast to boost metabolism on restricting days.

- no breads, baked goods, added sugars, or red meats.

and always remember that you're in control.

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U know what it’s quarentine fuck it I’ve gained weight and I hate it but I am back now

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Also my doctor says I have 4 weeks to gain weight or I’ll need blood tests and doctors again and I don’t want that but I’m at my lw and don’t want to stop

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I wonder if I look skinnier to others or not this better be worth it

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"A protein bar isn't a meal"

For 210 cals I think the fuck it is!

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When you don’t like yourself you don’t notice anything. You don’t care about what people think of you. When you hate yourself, whatever people say it doesn’t make sense. ‘Why do they like me? Why do they care about me?’ Because you don’t care about yourself at all.

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*loses 5 pounds* I barely see any change

*gains 1 pound* wow I look fatter than ever

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I am SO COLD all the fucking time

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Somethin I’m not used to

People noticing somethings wrong when I don’t say anything.

I assume if I keep quiet then no one will know I’m hurting but my friend came home last night pretty late I was feeling sick and dissociating but he has work in the morning so I didn’t wanna bug him and told him to go to bed then he called me the next day to ask if somethings up cus I seemed weird last night.

It always blows my mind whenever people close to me notice when I’m not ok cause I just assume I’m suffering in silence and that I have everyone fooled but people do notice I promise they will if you tell them you’re not hungry 3 days in a row your friends will know. Your mom will notice when she can see your jawline getting sharper. Your sister will notice your up all night making trips to the bathroom. Your dad will notice you locking yourself in your room all day. Your partner will notice you avoiding dinner dates and eye contact. People will notice you withdrawing and cringing when they touch you and the dark circles under your eyes and the baggy hoodies and your roommates will notice you crying and I fucking promise you people notice.

Use your words, don’t take it out on your body and assume no one will notice somethings wrong. Even at higher weights people close to you who really care about you will notice the slight changes in your behavior even if you think you’ve fooled them.

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Adding to the list of things people don’t tell you about eating disorders

you can’t drink as much as you used to

you’re going to throw up any alcohol you take

weed hits harder

you get hungover easier

you’re gonna be grumpy all the time

baggy clothes can only hide so much

you won’t realize how thin you’re getting

your stomach is going to constantly feel like it can’t get any air

you’ll feel lightheaded and floaty even right after you eat, espically if you’re only having 300 cals every three days

people do notice and they are going to make you eat more

you’re going to fight with your loved ones more, it’s a side effect of not getting the energy you need to maintain body functions

protein is your friend

oversized clothing is your friend

work is your friend

that class you hate is your friend

anything that keeps you from eating is your best friend.

you’ll feel proud when you get cross faded and don’t eat anything

yeah the puking sucks ass but at least i didn’t eat

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“but if you starve yourself, you’ll lose your period! it’s so unhealthy!”

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my least favorite part of having an eating disorder is the constant arguing and bargaining in your head. racing thoughts all the fuckin time like, “okay I’ve had 75 calories today. I can have a banana and still be under 200. wait, 1200 is still considered restriction. how much would I lose this week with a daily deficit of 500 calories? I can do that. I’ll still lose weight. but not as much as if I fasted. no. just have nothing. you could lose 3.5 lbs. this week! just have nothing. people do it every day. just have a fucking banana. you won’t even be at maintenance. but what if it triggers a binge? think about your jawline. why don’t I just have everything I want and purge? what percentage can you get back up when you purge? hey google…” AND IT NEVER STOPS.

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you think you’re faking this? ok. prove it.

delete tumblr. delete myfitnesspal. delete any and all calorie tracking apps. go into your kitchen. right now. get up and walk into your kitchen. now make a pot of pasta or spaghetti. or make a salad with chicken or a smoothie. or make a few eggs with some potatoes. or heat up the leftovers in the fridge. don’t count it. don’t measure it. don’t look up the calories. then sit down and eat the whole thing. don’t cut it up small, don’t wait until a certain time, don’t stare at it for forever before you eat it. cook it, put it on a plate, and eat it. maybe scroll through instagram or watch a tv show while you eat. like a post on your explore page about loving pizza without thinking of the calories or feeling fat. when you’re done eating, don’t go to the mirror, don’t go to the scale, don’t go to the toilet to throw up. then go on with your life without thinking about what you just ate or when you’ll eat next. now do that every time you first feel hungry every single day for the rest of your life.

if you can do that, fine. i’ll believe you. you’re “faking it”.

but if even one step of that sounds like your own personal hell, shut up because you’re absolutely not fake and your problems are beyond valid and you deserve to recover right now right where you are.

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