icyhotuntilidie

[icyhotuntilidie]

Levi nation, how we feeling today? 😔🫶

“What am I to you, Levi?”

The question was sudden, soft words reaching through the silence that had been until then. Levi looked up.

“What?”

You tilted your head, stretched on his sofa. You laid on it so casually, with your head resting on your folded arms, leaning against the armrest, one would think you were right at home. In your hands, you held a book, but he knew it had been on the same page for a while and that you hadn't been reading a word from it. No. He knew because your eyes had been on him instead.

“What am I to you?” You repeated when he didn't answer.

He looked at you as you watched him with a subtle eagerness behind your eyes. He was unable to form a reply. Why did you always say the most unexpected shit out of nowhere? You were so casual about it too, looking at him as if you merely asked him how his day was.

“What the fuck.” He muttered.

“What?”

He sighed, leaning back as he closed his pinched his eyebrows together. He chose this, he reminded himself for the hundredth time in his life, he brought this upon himself when he picked the most infuriating cadet to be his second. It was his fault and no one else's, that everyday he had to tolerate you and your ridiculousness. Why the hell had he done that?

“Stop with the stupid fucking questions.” He groaned irritatedly.

“Maybe if you answered them, I'd leave you alone.”

“Did you come here to distract me?”

You laughed softly. “Am I distracting you?”

“Don't think I haven't felt you staring at me.”

Your face showed no sign of embarrassment whatsoever at the very true accusation, instead there was amusement in your eyes. You leaned in, determined.

“Do you like me Levi?”

It's the way you looked at him. You knew. Of course you knew. He blinked, his chest suddenly tight. Suddenly, the room was suffocating. He looked anywhere but you.

“..in what way? Because you as a person is pretty shit."

But no, you see right through him. There was disappointment in your face. You sighed. “Liar.” You looked away from him, slumping back on the couch and draping an arm over your face. “I'm making this so easy for you, Levi. So fucking easy.”

He didn't have to look at you to know what you had meant.

Coward.

It was so easy, wasn't it? All he had to do is admit. To tell you yes. But he couldn't. Not even that.

“What if I die in tomorrow's expedition? How would you feel then? Knowing you had the chance and you didn't take it?” Your voice was casual, but there was reproach underneath. Levi flinched. It was a very real possibility. You hit right on the nail.

“Bull.” His expression darkened. “Don't say shit like that. We aren't even supposed to interact with titans.”

That was literally not the point, you thought annoyedly. But of course. Levi, the king of confrontation. What were you expecting? No, you hadn't expected much better from him in the first place, did you?

Your voice was tired when you spoke again.

“Are you ever going to tell me?”

You looked so exhausted. There were no expectations in your eyes. It was your way of giving him a way out, he realized, to let him know you didn't expect an answer from him. That he could just remain silent if he wanted to.

And he wanted to.

But he looked at you and felt something tight in his throat.

“...Maybe.” He murmured finally, his voice so quiet you could barely hear him. But your eyes widened. “Someday.”

You pushed your hand off your face, sitting up to look at him with surprise. You gazed blankly for a moment. That was as close as a confession you'd get.

You smiled.

“Someday.” You echoed.

—

Levi was sleeping.

Somehow he was aware he was sleeping.

There was a blunt ache somewhere in his chest. But he couldn't remember being hurt. His face felt dry, lips chapped, his eyes heavy. He was asleep, but he still felt so tired.

“Do you like me, Levi?”

He stirred, his consciousness returning back to him slowly as his mind registered the voice. He knew that voice. He knew those words. Like a twisted echo of something he couldn’t escape. A feeling of familiar sinister dread crept to his stomach.

Don't look. He tells himself. Don't look. If he didn't look, you'd go away.

He does anyway.

You're back on his couch, grinning slyly at him. When he looked at you, you’re smiling at him, eyes twinkling with amusement as if you were sharing a joke with him. An inside joke that only the two of you will understand.

You were sprawled on your stomach, the way one would to sunbathe. With both your arms on the armrest, you had your chin resting atop them, staring at him with those eyes. As though you belonged there, as though you’d never left. It was such a casual scene. Such a normal scene. Yet, he felt nauseous.

There was a vacancy in his chest, a suffocating emptiness. He hated it when you did that.

What made it worse you didn't even expect a fucking answer. You knew him too well for that. You came here every night for no other reason than to entertain yourself with his helplessness, like a sick, twisted little game.

“Must you do this every night?”

He asked. He could hear his own pleading tone, like he was begging you. He knew how pathetic he sounded, how miserable he must have looked. But you were grinning at him like he said something funny, it was such an obvious answer after all.

“Were you ever gonna tell me?” You asked him.

Fuck. Fuck.

“I would've.” His head hurt. He felt hollow. “You know I would've.”

“You didn't though.”

“I would've.” He repeated. Yet, he was doubtful of his own words, Would he have?

“Someday.” You hummed, reminding him, taunting him. It was a knife to his chest. He couldn't breathe.

Someday. The accusation was obvious underneath your casual tone. Someday. Just not today. Not then. Not now. Not ever.

“You're not being fair.”

“Oh.” You sighed softly, almost mocking him. “But Levi, when were you ever fair to me?”

He shook his head, your words creeping inside his brain like a parasite. “Leave. Please.”

You let out a chuckle, like it was the funniest thing you'd ever heard. Then you pushed yourself off the couch, standing up straight. You took your time, stretching your arms lazily like you had all day in the world, shooting him a soft smile. Then with every step you approached him with, he could feel his heart sinking. A little. A little. A little. More.

He let out a shaky breath, squeezing his eyes shut. He knew exactly the words you would say next. Every night. It was the same every night. And there was nothing he could do to stop it.

“But I'm not here.”

Your voice was soft beside his ear. A haunting whisper. He felt your fingers trailing the edge of his jaw, tilting his face towards you. Your hands slid down his neck and he shivered, opening his eyes to meet yours, all your playfulness gone. Now you just looked sad.

“Why are you doing this to yourself, Levi?” You said sadly, his name was soft in your lips, you said it like it was so fragile. “Why don't you let me go?”

You were so close. So fucking close. It took everything in him to not reach out, to not pull you in. He was stiff, pressed against the back off his chair, trying his best to put distance between. But it was no use. He was only a man, after all.

Your next words were a warm whisper against his lips, just a breath away.

“Wake up, Levi.” You told him. “Wake up.”

And when he opened his eyes, he was staring at the dark ceiling of his bedroom.

9 months, 2 weeks and 4 days since the day he'd lost you. 9 months, 2 weeks and 4 days of sleepless night. It had been 9 months, 2 weeks and 4 days of dreaming about you.

[icyhotuntilidie]

M

In another life?

Levi stared at you from across the room, watching you as you distractedly fumbled with the straps of your gear. He watched as your fingers clumsily attempted to work with the clasp on your thigh properly, only for it to keep slipping out of your grasp, again and again, earning annoyed huffs from you. You were late, you knew. The others in the room had already cleared out, leaving only you as you struggled and Levi as he watched. But the more you tried to hurry, the worse it kept getting, the belts getting all tangled up with each other and you looked like you were about to cry.

He would've left by now as well, if not for you and your misery that made him stick around. It was very unusual to see you this unsettled, specially right before an expedition. Your hands were trembling uncontrollably. Levi felt frustrated only by watching you. Finally, he sighed and stepped forward.

“Call yourself a captain and you can't even tie your gear.” He muttered as he kneeled in front of you. Without letting you protest, he slapped your shaking hands away and took the strap to his own hands.

You were about to argue but when he shot a glare at you, you shut up. Even you knew when to be stubborn and when to be not and the clock that ticked away on the wall was a clear indication of what the choice should be. Therefore, you settled with a quietly mumbled curse but stretched out your leg anyway.

His expert hands worked fluidly, slipping underneath the belt and wrapping it around your shin. He pulled out one end and the leather grasped to your leggings.

“Too tight?”

“No.”

He did the other leg too, finishing the task you'd been struggling with for the past 15 minutes within 10 seconds. When he was done, his hand hesitantly reached up for for the ones at your thighs. He shot a questioning glance up towards you for approval and you nodded. This was no time for proprietary. He went back to work.

“What's on your mind?” He asked, glancing at you with gray eyes when he was done. In them, he had worry.

Everything. You wanted to say. Everything.

But of course you don't.

You shook your head, standing up. Wordlessly, you stepped around him, picking up the the sword sheathes hanging on the wall and adjusted them to your waist.

Levi stood up as well, brushing down his pants. He was about to tell you he didn't buy it. There was something wrong, he could tell, but before he could part his mouth, someone entered.

“Levi—Ah, I see you're here as well.” Erwin's deep voice reaches you as you turned. “Shadis is asking about your absence. We have about 5 minutes until we depart. Is everything okay?” Erwin's blue eyes found you as he asked the last question. Levi didn't fail to notice.

“Yes, sir.” You replied, a little too quickly perhaps. Levi's eyes narrowed. “I'll meet you out, sir.”

You sidestepped Erwin, as if in a hurry to leave the room. But just before your face disappeared, he caught the sight of absolute despair that was etched on your face.

.

“What's wrong with her?”

Erwin turned around, not surprised to find Levi on his horse, stanidng out of formation and beside him. “Levi.” He said pointedly.

“Don't be an ass, I'm going back in a minute.” He snapped. He knew Erwin knew something. “What the hell is wrong with her?”

“Hange says she's sick. Threw up in the morning twice apparently. Refused to have breakfast as well.” He shrugged.

Now that he thinks about it, sure, he hadn't seen you down at breakfast hours. He had just assumed you'd gotten in earlier.

Levi looked outraged. “And you're letting her out like that?”

“Levi, really.” Erwin sighed, looking at him. “Since when does she listen to me?”

Levi felt irritated. It was stupid of him not to realize Erwin must have told you to stay in. More stupid of him to not realize you had said no, like the arrogant shit you were.

“Put me near her.” He said suddenly. “Let Eld handle my squad.”

Erwin gave him a strange look. It made Levi self-conscious. “What?” He said defensively. He knew it was strange, fuck, but he couldn't think of another way.

“She can take care of herself. She's a soldier, she knows what she's getting into. If she thinks she can handle it, why not have a little faith?” Erwin said, raising a brow at him.

“If she dies out there because she's too fucking stubborn, you'd be the one sorry.”

Erwin looked thoughtful. “Heart getting in the way of your head, Levi?”

Levi felt heat rushing to his cheeks. But Erwin cut him off before he could say something.

“But yes,” He nodded. “I was going to tell Hange to keep an eye on her. But you don't listen to me either, do you?” He looked at him, the blonde man's piercing blue eyes searing straight through Levi's soul. “Do as you may.”

Do as you may. Levi thought about the words as he turned his horse around. Do as he might— for a friend. If that's what you were.

.

“Are you supposed to be here?” You asked tiredly, glancing at him when his horse stopped beside you.

“No.”

You frowned.

“Last minute change of formation.” Levi lied.

“Erwin didn't tell me.”

“Because he sent me here to tell you.”

You gave him a skeptical look. It was clear you did not believe him, but you didn't say anything else.

And that's how Levi knew there was something definitely, definitely wrong. Anytime else, you would've never let this go easily. You would've pestered him, annoyed him with questions, teased him, made every use of it until you got the answers you were looking for. Then you would argue. Bicker at him to convince you were okay so he left you. You hated the idea of getting help anyways, specially from him.

.

Expedition had started a while ago. Neither you or Levi had exchanged any words since then.

The two of you were on watch duty, perched on a tree as you scanned around for any upcoming titans, the smoke gun ready at your hand. A bland job, unsuited for both of you and very below your skill level. But you weren't complaining and you always complained.

You looked pale. There were bruises under your eyes and your lips were chapped, you looked fragile as a bird, a very exhausted bird.

And it was because Levi was watching you so closely that he noticed the exact moment your eyes lost focus.

The exact moment your muscles went slack and the grip around your swords went loose.

The exact moment your legs crumbled and you dropped forward.

And it was because he was watching you, because in his guts, he was certain there was something wrong and every inch of him was guarded that his body kicked in just the exact moment you tipped and he dived forward, catching you seconds before you crashed onto the ground like a broken ragdoll.

—

You were sitting at a table in the sidelines, watching couples as they swayed in rhythm to the melody of the piano all around the ballroom. You hummed along, tapping your fingers as you took a swig of your drink.

It was a ball hosted with a goal to fund for the scouts. It looked all fancy, but really under those painted and polite faces were twisted thoughts and sly hearts. You could feel the political tension thrumming in the air. And though you never really liked the social expectations to meet when attending these, it was fun to dress up and get a taste of the life of nobles for a night.

Shame that it's your last ever one.

You startled when the dark-haired man appeared beside you and sank down on a chair without a word

"Tch." He clicked his tongue impatiently, plucking off a glass from the nearby waiter. He swung one of his legs over the other, his irritated face stood out bluntly amongst all the polite smiles and pleasantries. "How long do we have to stay here?"

"Levi." You smiled. He didn't return your smile, or even turned to look at you. He merely frowned, the slight wrinkles around his eyes indicating the foul mood was not at all uncommon for him. "Manners."

"Manners? If Erwin forces me to talk to one more of those stuck up rich bastards—"

"You're the star here. 'Humanity's Strongest' remember?"

"What a joke." He huffed frustratedly. "Don't call me that. It's like I'm a product being advertised to be sold."

"If you put it that way." You shrugged.

Raw words, you thought. No false Incase of politeness. He said what he thought, no filters. Always.

"The human miracle, the thug from underground that held talent like no other, the one who'd save humankind. Sounds like a pretty tempting investment." You told him.

"I will pour this on you I swear."

You giggled.

"Lots of admirers though." You tilted your head to observe the group of young girls huddled in a corner, ogling at him, giggling softly and pointing. Levi shot them a halfhearted, disinterested glance, which only made them squeal louder. He scowled.

"Won't fucking leave me alone." He mumbled.

You smiled, watching him as he fidgeted, fingers holding the wine glass by the strange way you've always seen him, by the rim. He looked out of place. In this grand room filled with colors and vibrance, he was dressed in black. Trousers, shoes, waistcoat, suit—it was all different shades of black. And even his eyes were a shade of gray. It contrasted against the paleness of his skin.

He was beautiful, you thought, watching him from the corner of your eyes. Beautiful. But there was an edge to it. Like the way the sharp edge of a sword glitters in the moonlight. Intimidating. Dangerous. Mesmerizing.

It only ever made you want to steal a closer look, to peer at his heart to see if his soul was as stone made as he appeared.

You've known him for so long, since the first he ever became a scout. Yet here, right now, in the midst of all this grandeur and with him looking like someone straight out of a novel, you felt like a little child. A lovesick little teenager getting her first crush. Not a scout who's killed titans. It always felt like that. With him. It was like hoping for the moon, and you're only just a silly, silly human.

You've known him for so long and you've grown so close, yet now that you look at him, he's never felt further away.

You were only just a girl when it was him.

Levi was cruel, there was no other way to put it. But yet, as you came to realize through the years, the unkind words he threw at your way sometimes, they were only just that. He didn't mean half of it, almost as if he said them only out of habit. He was kind too, you noticed. In the strangest ways. He'd let you pester him all day, make him help you with his work, forcefully make him listen to every gossip you learnt about, rant about your little romance novels, and in turn, sometimes, when you pushed, he'd even share glimpses of your own life.

You think the strangest thing was that about him. That he pretended he didn't care, that he hated listening to you rant but somehow he always remembered the smallest details, some of which even you forgot sometimes. Levi seemed to always notice the day you didn't sleep enough, when you looked too tired, when you felt uncomfortable.He’d remind you to eat, to take care of yourself, to rest.

From a young age, you had learnt to accept that life was always going to be too short for you. That it will never be enough. There will always be something more you'd need. And so you had forced yourself to keep everyone at an arm's length. Fuck around but never, ever fall. Because it'd hurt so much less when the end bell finally rang.

So what were you to do, when your heart starts to beat differently for that one strange, complex man?

You liked the way Levi looked at you. His gaze honest and clear. You liked how straight he was with his words.

It was nice. To be with someone so rudely honest. Because Levi looked at you as if you were you. And it reminded you that this scarcity of life you were given weren't all you were.

You were a living, breathing person.

Levi made you feel alive.

A voice cut you off your thinking. There was a man in front of you, trying to gain your attention. And you smiled politely, rejecting what was probably the dozenth of man who proposed to you for a dance. Levi glanced at the dejected man who walked away sullen.

"Won't you dance?" He suddenly asked, looking at you. "You haven't moved an inch since you've been here. I thought you liked this shit."

You only shook your head.

"Why not? You look like you want to."

You smiled sheepishly. "Not tonight." Not ever.

He sat up straight, finally turning to look at you. He put his glass down, his expression serious. Steel gaze searing through your skin.

"You're resigning." The words were a statement but it was also a question.

You stared at him.

"You didn't tell me." He said. "I had to find out from fucking Erwin tonight. Why are you resigning?"

There was genuine concern underneath, and that made your heart throb a little.

"Well?" He demanded, the hint of frustration lacing his usually cool, flat voice at the lack of answer.

"Sure you know, Levi." You sighed.

He raised an eyebrow brow inquiringly, looking confused.

"What? Is this because you passed out during the last expedition? You've been a wet rag ever since." He muttered. " Don't tell me you blame yourself for that and think you're incapable or something."

"I am incapable."

"Bullshit. It was this one time and it's probably because you skipped meals or something. You're better than half the other idiots."

Oh.

You realized suddenly as you met his eyes.

He doesn't know.

Levi doesn't know yet.

No one told him. Erwin hadn't told him. As if on cue, your eyes found Erwin's blue ones in a corner of the room. He gave you a slight nod, turning his focus back to the men he was conversing with. He must've thought it would be best if you told him yourself.

You felt despair.

You clasped your fingers, then unclasped it. The room was suddenly so cold.

Levi was still watching at you, waiting, his brows furrowed. He spared a glance at Erwin as well. You couldn't help but think how strange fate was. It pushed rose colored glasses onto you, granting you those soft beautiful moments and convincing you that, this is nice, this is perfect, you can live like this.

Until you're here. Until suddenly the delusions slip out and reality is a far, far tougher enemy to defeat than titans.

How do you tell Levi time was running out?

That fate was a cruel, cruel little thing.

“What's going on?” He said quietly, his shoulders tense. Like he could sense your feelings somehow. There was a subtle sign of panic in him at your silence. “What aren't you telling me?”

“Oh." You muttered tiredly, eyes downcast. He was staring at you, narrowed gray eyes. You looked almost sad, melancholic. "Don't you know?"

"What?" He blinked.

"Levi," You looked up, bracing yourself for the next words. "I'm dying."

Levi choked on his drink.

—

Levi hadn't seen you since then.

He didn't know what happened to you.

You had disappeared the day after, your office cleared of all possessions, and Erwin had only told him you had gone back home. He had no way of contacting you, no way of visiting you, no way of confronting you to ask what the fuck were you talking about. He could hardly focus on his work because that's all he could think about. You looking at him with those eyes, with the saddest face he had ever seen you make. He can't forget the words you said, how you said it. That's all he could think about.

So when he received the letter, your neat, elegant handwriting on the smooth paper surface, he was relieved. And worried. And surprised.

You had wrote only two words.

"Meet me?"

He frowned. Meet you where?

But when he turned to look at the envelope, turning it on his hand to check the sender's address, he froze.

Behind it, was the address of a hospital.

—

Hange was going from corridor to corridor, swooping through room to room to find you as Levi quietly follows. He felt nauseous as he walked. He never liked hospitals. Today, he hated it even more.

It didn't take long. Hange asked a few nurses and they all seemed to know you. Levi registered it numbly, how often you must've come here for everyone to know you by name only. He remembered the times you’d disappear without explanation. Was that for hospital check ups? How long had you been sick and he hadn't realized?

“Ah!” Hange's excited yelp broke him out of his daze. They disappeared behind an open door. “There you are!”

From the other side, he could hear a muffled voice. A voice he knows. He doesn't step in though. His hands are balled into a fist as he squeezed them in his pockets. It didn't feel real. This can't be real. There's no way you're on the other side of that door.

“No, Erwin couldn't come. He's been so busy but Levi—huh, where did Levi go? Wait, let me go and—” Hange's head pops back out. “Shortie, are you being shy? She's looking for you!”

Fuck. Was there still time to leave this fucking place?

But no, Hange knew. They were looking at him with the same excited expression but their eyes had a strange, determined look. You have to do this, they were telling him. For your sake.

So he did. He exhaled sharply and hoped for composure and walked in.

And nothing in this world ever could've prepared him for what he saw.

Just over the few weeks, your eyes had sunken to your face and your cheeks were hollow. And your face was pale, almost as colorless as the white hospital walls. There were wires attached to you, through your wrist, through your nose.

You looked broken.

But your eyes lit up the moment you saw him.

"Hello." You smiled.

And yet somehow, he thought, you looked beautiful. Now more than ever. Beautiful in a way that terrified him. He couldn’t look away.

He swallowed the dread down.

"You look like shit." He said.

You grinned, gingerly getting up from the bed.

"Sit." You patted across a chair beside you. "Don't worry, I've made them disinfect the room twice. No germs." You reassured him.

He said nothing, but silently took a seat

When you beamed up at him and his heart tugged. It took so little to make you happy.

Then you turned back to Hange, the two of you slipping to easy conversation. He doesn't know for how long. He kept his eyes on the floor. To look anywhere but you. He doesn't know when the time passed, but every once a while you would laugh at something Hange said and that's the only time he would feel conscious, your voice bringing him back. That's the only time he spared a glance at you.

You laughed the same. You looked in pain, but you laughed the same.

It went on for a while more, as the two of you chatted, discussing such casual things, none of you addressing him. He was grateful for it, to be ignored. Grateful to not be expected to be included in the conversation. It was hard enough to be here. He's not you or Hange. He couldn't pretend everything's fine and laugh about it.

But he could almost convince himself that everything was fine. Everything was fine. He was in the meeting room in the Scouts headquarters with everyone else and you were fine. Hange was shitting about military police and you were agreeing. Hange was telling you about titans and you were listening. And in this version, you were fine. You weren't here in this small, colorless hospital room, with tubes and needles going through you.

“Right. It's getting late, so I gotta go. I hope you feel better, girlie,” Hange's voice snapped him out of his daze as they pushed back on the chair to get up. He dully notices Hange's choice of words. Feel better. Not get better. “We’ll try to come by when we can. Make sure to drop by when you can as well. C’mon Levi let's go.” They nudged his shoulders. Levi felt relief. He needed some fucking air.

But Levi was only about to stand up when your fingers reached out to wrap around his hand.

“Levi.” You asked him, speaking directly to him for the first time in the hour. “Stay a while?”

He flinched when you touched him. He doesn't meet your eyes. Instead they find Hange's brown ones, who were watching the interaction closely.

“Sure Levi, why don't you accompany her?” They smacked his shoulders casually, but Levi didn't miss the intentional squeeze. “You don't have anything to do today anyway.”

Levi considered rejecting you for a second, considered making up some shitty excuse to escape this room and escape you, but then he looked at your eager expression and he found himself sitting back down. Levi could get low, but even him wouldn't go this low. He couldn't go that cheap. He couldn't be that much of a fucking coward.

“Wonderful.” Hange grinned. “Tell shortie to behave please. He'd been a mess ever since you left.”

“I will.”

Then Hange was gone. And only him and you were left. The first confrontation.

He didn't think this room could get any more fucking suffocating.

He glanced down where your hand touched his. Your wrist looked so slender it was as if he could break it just by wrapping his hand around it.Skin and bones, that's all you were.

"I'm glad you came." You whispered.

Levi inhaled sharply. You could tell him to jump off an edge right then and he'd probably do it.

For a long moment, Levi said nothing, just stared at where your hand rested on his wrist. His fingers itched to pull you closer, but he held back. He holds you gently, so gently, like you were made of glass.

Like you were the most precious thing he's ever held in this lifetime and now you were slipping away.

"I don't understand." He said suddenly.

You stayed quiet. You knew what he meant.

He felt angry at you. So fucking pissed. He felt betrayed. It's like everyone knew except him. Erwin knew. Hange knew. He didn't. Then you fucking spring this on him and disappear for weeks. And that wasn’t fair. That wasn't fucking fair.

“You could've told me.”

You looked down, letting out a soft breath. “I didn’t know how.” you admitted. You never wanted to see that look on your face.

Not yet. Even now that you'd told him, you wished you didn't. You wished you had a little more time.

Levi clenched his jaw, casting his eyes to the sterile white floors.

“When?” His voice was rough.

“Always.”

So you'd been sick. From the day you'd arrived. He felt hollow. In Levi's head, he could remember you. He could remember the first he'd seen you. You were dying then and he hadn't known.

After a pause, he spoke again, his voice carefully blank and face expressionless. Silver eyes devoid of all emotions as they looked down at you.

“How long?”

You keep quiet. Not long. You don't tell him that though. After a while, you spoke. “I don't know.” You said. “Days? Weeks? Months? Who knows. I'm not getting better.” You smiled.

He doesn't know what to say to that. How to respond to that.

He doesn't know how to feel.

"You were fine." He said, almost numbly. As if affirming it would make it true.

"No " You shook your head. "No, I wasn't.”

"You were fine. Even weeks ago. You were fine.” He repeated, shaking his head. He knew it was pathetic. He knew it was hopeless. He knew he was just lying to himself because hell, if he's got to accept this shit. He pulled away his hand from you, ignoring the hurt look on your face. “You were fine. You went out on expeditions. You fought titans. You sparred with Miche. You were fucking fine.”

"I'm sorry." You whispered. But he shot a heated glare at you. That wasn't what he was asking.

“The meds stopped working." You shrugged. “It was always going to. Eventually. It's surprising that it even worked for so long.”

Levi's head feels empty.

Out of all the ways he'd thought he might lose you, this wasn't one of them.

Out of all the scenarios he had ever imagined where there would come a time he had to lead a life without you being a part of it, this wasn't one of it. This was never one of them. Losing you like this was never one of them. You rotting away in a bed in this cold, indifferent room was never one of them.

And it hurt so fucking much.

Being a scout meant there were no tomorrow's. You go out with the expectation of never coming back. And he knew that. Death was reality.

Yet. That's why he'd always been careful to stick around with you. Always making sure your gear was working, your straps were tightened, your swords were sharpened. Always looking for you first the moment the missions ended. Always the team he'd make Erwin pair him with. Because he thought as long as you were in his sight, as long as he was near enough to see you, you would be okay. He wouldn't let you die.

Vaguely, he remembered his mother. Lying on the small bed in the corner of that dark room. Here he was again, after years. Nothing changed.

This was the one place his strength meant nothing. Nothing.

Him being humanity's strongest changed nothing.

He was going to lose you too.

He let out a tired breath. “Leave it to you to find the stupidest way to die.”

You smiled weakly. “Pretty pathetic, huh?”

So much pain. He was in pain, you knew.

Levi doesn't show it, he refused to show it, but fuck, you knew him so well, it hurt. He cared so much. So so much.

You'd seen him hold on to a dead comrade for months. Everyone would forget them, not Levi.

Levi can't let go.

It was his eyes that gave it away. Never had he ever looked at you that way. His eyes seared through your soul like he was searching for an answer. In them, you saw the most subtle glimpse of despair.

You felt sad suddenly. All those fucking years he chose to be a nonchalant bitch. He chose to act like he doesn't give a fuck. And now that you're here, to the end of your lifeline, now he was gonna look at you like that?

But the more you looked at him, the more you felt vulnerable. Something was breaking inside you at the sight of him. Every bit of desire you'd locked away was strangling your heart.

He was here, with his dark hair falling over his face and the silver gleaming through his half lidded eyes and shit, he was so beautiful. Since the day you met him. You felt so soft when he looked at you. So fragile.

You yearned. So badly. Would it be so wrong?

“Do you think I'm pretty?” You asked him.

Levi was confused, caught completely off-guard. “What?”

“I want to know.”

“You want to know if I think you're pretty?”

“Yes.” You smiled.

“Do you always have to be so unserious?”

“Yes.”

Levi blinked. Then sighed. You and your fucking theatrics. “You’d think someone who's dying would ask smarter questions.” He muttered under his breath.

You held your gaze. You wanted him to answer.

Levi balled his hand to a fist. His fingernails digged into his hand. He knew he couldn't lie. Not when you were looking at him like that.

“... I don't know.” He exhaled softly. “Sure I guess. You keep a neat face. I suppose you don't look that shitty.”

“Even now?’’

He stared at you. You and your sunken cheeks and your fragile hands and your tired eyes.

Even now. You looked ethereal.

“Yes.”

You thought you might cry. His eyes held so much tenderness.

“You're pretty.” You whispered instead. “You're so fucking pretty, did you know that?”

You regretted the word the moment you said it. He looked up, startled. Shit, he did look so pretty.

You smiled sadly. So fucking pretty.

You can't do this.

You thought you could, but no. You should've never called him here.

You can't do this.

“Levi.”

“What?” It was so unfair, you knew.

“Leave.”

His eyes widened. But you held your gaze.

Levi stared blankly. His mind felt empty. There was something strange in your eyes, a desperation. You were looking at him like you wanted him to understand something. Like you needed him to understand. But he didn't understand.

“I want you to leave, Levi. And never come back.”

“You don’t mean that.” He said after a stretched pause as he waited for an explanation. He looked so confused.

You sighed, turning away and leaning back on your headrest. You refused to look at him.

“Did I do something wrong?” He pressed when you didn't respond.

You shook your head.

“I don't want you here anymore.”

“Why?” His voice was so blank but shit, you could just feel the strain underneath.

“I don't want you here anymore.” You repeated, closing your eyes. “I don't want you to see me like this.”

“You don't get to decide that.” He said, his voice harsh and laced, now with an anger as he started to realize where this was going.

“I can actually. I call the nurses. They kick you out.”

“You're being stupid. I can't just—” He sounded frustrated. “I can't just leave you here alone.”

You shook your head again.

“You can't even look at me. You're going to kick me out but you can't even look at me.”

You did. Steadying your expression and masking the absolute heart wrenching pain you were feeling, you looked at him.

“I'm not going to let you do this.” You said calmly. “I'm gonna get worse. And then I'm gonna get worse. More and more. And you're gonna hate it. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself.”

He stared at you with disbelief.

“Let me go, Levi.” You whispered. “You can't save me. Not this time.”

—

Well, you were a fucking idiot if you thought he was gonna give up just like that.

He wasn't going to leave you like that. In that soul less, lifeless, shitty ass hospital room, tied up to fucking machines and whatnot. He wasn't going to leave you there all alone. You're insane if you thought he was going to.

But he did leave you alone for the two weeks. He's known you too long. You get mad when people doesn't listen to and throw this big pissy rampage and Levi, for one, did not have the mood to deal with that and two, he suspected it would not be good for your health. Another reason is the hospital’s too fucking far from the headquarters. It took so much time or else he would've come earlier. He couldn't focus shit on his work because all he'd been thinking about were you and all he did was wait for another mail where you apologize and take back your words and ask him to come and visit again. You didn't.

He still showed up today, though.

With a bouquet of flowers in his hand. They felt heavy surprisingly. It was sappy as hell and he kept cringing internally everytime he looked at it. Fucking hell, he'd never though this day's come.

He looked up. It looked like it was going to rain today.

Then he braced himself. Knowing the stubborn shit you were, you were bound to throw out a reaction. But he hoped you'd forgotten about it. Hence, also the flowers. Hopefully, they'd be enough to calm you down. But frankly enough, he didn't give a fuck about your stupid reasons. For his own sake, he had to be there. He had to be with you.

So he stepped into the hospital, taking in a deep breath once the sterile scent kicked in.

He retraced his steps the last time he'd been here, taking the steps slowly. When he reached the floor you were on, he set off to the left corridor, trying to remember which room was yours. But he finds it soon enough, the familiar door.

He takes a deep breath. He felt nauseous again. He wondered how you looked now. Was he strong enough to do this?

Were you right? Maybe for his sake, he shouldn't be here. His heart pounded so hard against his chest and he couldn't breathe.

Fuck it.

He stepped in. Then halted.

Empty.

Everything was empty.

The shelves. The table. The bed. Every inch of the room sparkled like someone had just cleaned it recently, the scent of disinfectant hanging on the air. The last time he'd been here, there were those weird romance novels you used to like, piled on the table. All of them were gone. The bed was made up, white sheet spread smooth with the corners folded and the pillows fluffed. Like no one had ever laid there.

Like no one had ever been in this room.

“... you're…captain Levi, aren't you?”

The soft voice startled him. He jolted, turning around to find a young girl looking at him curiously. Her hazel eyes softened when he turned around.

“She's told us a lot about you.” She said, explaining.

Levi doesn't talk. He doesn't blink. He doesn't breathe. His hand gripped onto the bouquet harder.

“Has she been moved?” He asked, his voice harsh. “Do you know where she's—”

But she was looking at him sadly, and Levi knew. He didn't need to hear the words from her, he already knew. He looked down to his hand. The bouquet was almost haphazard from how tightly he'd been holding them. They felt heavier.

“She said you'd come back.” She told him, looking at him pitifully. “Come with me, please.”

Levi followed her. He didn't know why. He didn't even want to know why. But his head was empty and he could no longer form a thought. He could no longer think, only do what he's asked.

He didn't process where she's leading her, but then they're standing in front of a room. She tells him to wait and goes back in. Levi waited. He doesn't know for how long. Time meant nothing anymore.

She came out a couple seconds later, an envelope in her hand. She holds it out to him.

“She told me to give you this. She asked me to keep it. I told her she should just mail it but she insisted you'd come back.” She let out a soft sigh.

For a second, Levi doesn't do anything. He only stared at the paper in her hand blankly. Then after a pause, almost robotically, he reaches out, taking the letter from her. He should be curious, intrigued. Sad. Something. Anything. He shouldn't be this numb. But he couldn't show a reaction. He felt so tired.

But he vaguely registered your handwriting. To Levi, it said.

The girl looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to respond. To ask. To react. But when he didn't say anything, she looked almost disappointed.

“That's all, then.” She tells him. “I'm sorry for your loss. I will be heading back now.”

Levi didn't say anything.

It's only when she's walking away, when she's getting further and further, he remembered something.

“Wait.” He called out, his voice hoarse.

She stopped, turning back.

He let out a shaky breath. He needed to know. “Did she…” He inhaled. “When did she…?”

He doesn't need to finish his sentence, she already knows. She looked at him. “Not long.” She answered. “It’s been 3 days.”

3 days. You'd left the world 3 days ago.

“Did it..” He tries to find the right words to say. He remembered how you winced everytime you moved. “...was she in pain? When she passed?”

She shook her head. “No.” She said. “It was peaceful. She had a smile on her face.”

Right. Of course you fucking did.

He was going to thank her and walk away but she stopped him.

“Actually..” She started again, her voice hesitant. Like she wasn't sure she should say this. “The last word she said…it was your name.”

He can't breathe. “What?”

“‘Levi.’ she said.” The nurse told him with a soft look. “'Levi' was the last thing she said.”

—

Levi,

I knew you'd come back.

You stubborn fucking asshole. You were never going to listen to me in the first place.

Don't be angry at me. Please. Don't be angry at me. I couldn't let you be there. I know it's so cruel of me. But believe me, I had no choice. For my sake. For my sake, I couldn't let you be there. I couldn't let you see me die like that.

You have to understand. I was so scared, Levi. So terrified. And the more I looked at you, the more scared I felt.

I didn't want to leave you.

I don't care about rotting in a grave somewhere, Levi. I just didn't want to leave you.

You'd think after knowing from birth that you were going to die soon, you'd learn to not be afraid of it. You'd think being in the scouts, where everyday was a gamble, you'd learn to not be afraid of it. And I did. I swear I did. Death didn't scare me anymore. That's why I did so well in the scouts. You used to call me reckless, but there's no point of being scared for a life you were going to lose either way, was there?

I thought I could do this. I thought I could get over it. I thought I didn't have anything to lose.

But then I met you.

You with your stupid fucking ego and your stupid fucking attitude. You with the stupid hair and you with the stupid face. You with the prettiest eyes I've ever seen.

And it scared me so much. So much. What I felt for you. This constant yearning to be near you. I had so little time. All I ever wanted was to be with you. But I had so little time.

I'm sorry for always annoying the shit out of you. But I had so little time. I had to make the most of it. But as it turned out, it was never enough. It was never going to be enough.

The day the meds stopped working, the day I passed out on that expedition, the day the doctors told me there's nothing they could do anymore, the first thought I had was, “I can't be with Levi anymore.”

Not “I'm gonna die.”

But it was you I thought of.

It's so strange, isn't it? I've spent half a lifetime in hospitals and tied up to machines, having to take dozens of meds everyday just so my organs would keep functioning. I was so tired of it all, all I wanted was for it to end. I waited so eagerly for the day it'd all stop. But now that we're here, I'd do anything, I'd do anything to spend one last day with you. One last hour. One last minute. I'd give up anything to go out on one last expedition with you. Just to hear you call me a ‘suicidal fucking psycho’ again. Just to hear you get mad at me again. Just so you could lecture me. Just so you could smack my head and tell me what a fucking dumbass I am. Just one last time, for you to wrap my wounds with the gentlest hands.

I hope you know you changed everything.

You gave me my life back.

And I will owe it to you for eternity.

I'm rambling, aren't I? I don't know how much longer I have, at best 2-3 days. My lungs are going to shit and I've been tied to a nebulizer the whole week. I can't even hold the pen properly because my hands are shaking so bad and it hurts to even write. But I want to. I want to write. I want to tell you so much stuff, to tell you everything, to tell you anything. Shit, I wish you were here. It hurts to breathe, Levi, and I wish you were here. It always hurt so much less when you were here.

I think I'm going to stop here.

I can't fit a lifetime of unsaid things in one letter, could I?

Please, please, please, fix your sleep schedule. Please remember to hydrate yourself. And please, stop being mean to Hange, you know they love you. Let them take care of you. Let others take care of you. You don't have to be the strongest all the time. It's okay, I swear it is.

I'm gonna write one last thing. I need you to forgive me. I'm sorry that Im so much of a coward that I never said it to when I had the time. I'm sorry that I'm writing this on one shitty letter instead.

I really like you.

You're such an asshole. But you're the most lovable asshole I've ever met.

I love you, Levi, and I've loved you for a long time. It wasn't much of a life, but I hope you know that I've loved you with all of it.

If Hange's theory of multiple realities is true, I hope I get to meet you in every one. I hope you're my friend in every one. I hope I get to love you in every one.

I love you, Levi. Till the last of my breath.

Sincerely.

Ps. I don't know if you found it, but I've stashed a bunch of those green tea you like in the bottom drawer. Parting gift.

—

Levi stood before a tombstone.

It was gray, like the sky. It was definitely going to rain.

He'd been standing here for a while now, in the cemetery, the letter clutched to his hand, the bouquet still on his other hand. The flowers were all wilted now, but the air still smelled like roses. The grave in front of him was fresh, it was obvious it's barely a couple days old. There was a name etched on the stone, a name he's known for so long. A name he knows so well.

Strangely, it didn't hurt. He didn't feel anything really. There was a strange vacancy in his chest, a voidness where his heart should be. He felt empty, like he lost a part of him somewhere.

He glanced at the letter again. It was wrinkled now, from how hard he'd been grabbing at it. He glanced back at the last few sentences and he felt that familiar tug in his chest again.

“Fucking idiot.” He muttered quietly. “Don't even have the guts to say it to my face.”

He swallowed down the bitter taste in the back of his throat. What was he doing? Why was he talking to himself?

He felt angry. Angry at you. Angry because all you needed was to say it. To say it and he would've given up everything. He was angry at himself too. Who was he to condescend you when he was no better himself? When he never had the guts to say it as well?

At least you got to say your piece. Now he'll never get to.

“Fuck.” He ran a hand through his hair. He felt restless. It was so fucking unfair. So, so fucking unfair.

He had so much to say. So much he's never told you.

You were so cruel.

He sighed. Looked down to the bouquet. Then to his own surprise, he crouched down, laying the flowers gently on the stone surface.

“I hope you like them.” He said. “Parting gift.”

As if on cue, it started to rain. First, a couple drops caressing his face, and then the sky was grieving with him, crashing onto this world. He was drenched in a second, his hair sticking to his forehead and his clothes sticking to his skin. He stuffed the envelope down the pocket of his jeans and hoped that was enough, but it was already half wet. The one last thing you'd left him and he couldn't even keep it in piece. He was well and truly an idiot.

He spared a glance at the sky. He wondered if it was the rain that made it all seem so black and white. Or maybe you had sucked the color out of this world when you passed.

He sighed. Then turned away.

He can't spend the rest of his life here. He has to go back. Go back to the lifeless foul walls of the headquarters and his stuffy office. He had a shit ton of paperwork he needed to get done. He had to handle his squad. He had to prepare for next week's expedition, one where you won't be.

He wondered vaguely how he was going to tell this to Hange.

But he continued walking, not looking back.

Leaving half his heart on the stone where you lied beneathe.

[icyhotuntilidie]

The loss of light. (Levi x blind!reader)

Summary: In the battle held against Eren, reader loses their eyes. And as they finally starts getting used to a life without sight, someone unexpected reaches out. Levi Ackerman asks them to move into Marley with him.

Cw: uh since reader goes blind forever here, it might be kind of uncomfortable to read?

"...nothing we can do..."

"...did our best but..."

"... never see again..."

"...sight is gone..."

Gone, gone, gone….

It echoed in your head.

Soft murmurs reached your ears. You quietly listened, laying on your side, curled into a ball. You wrapped yourself tighter and tighter with every word, seeking comfort and shelter from you don't know what. Your eyelids fluttered as you tried to open them.

Were you in a dark room?

You blinked a couple times, squeezing your eyes shut harder with every press, but it felt strange. There was no difference. The darkness only felt more heavy, more suffocating. But there was no escape. Not a single ray of light.

Ah.

You really have gone blind, haven't you?

-

It had been a week since the war had ended. You had returned home along with everyone else, to Paradis.

And this past week, all you've known about the world is from hushed whispers.

You have only heard about how strange Paradis looked without the walls. About the ruins. About a lot of things. You hadn't seen any of it though.

You haven't seen a single thing this seven days. Not Paradis. Not the hospital room you were kept in. Not the doctors or nurses. Not any of your friends. Not even yourself.

You haven't seen a single ray of light. You haven't seen the sky, the sun, the moon, the stars–nothing.

And you were never going to see it ever again.

Darkness is your home now.

You cried the first day, as the nurse helped you to the bathroom. You cried when you stumbled against your own leg and almost fell down. You cried when they took off the bandage of your eyes, dabbing medicine but you could feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

You cried the second day when you accidentally asked the nurse why she kept the lights turned off and she held your shoulder and gently explained to you as if you're a little kid. You hated it when she wiped your tears and didn't let you wipe it yourself in case you damage the eyes even more as if it's not damaged beyond repair already.

You cried the third day when you woke up and was unsure if you've actually opened your eyes because there was no fucking difference. You cried when you tried rubbing your eyes and instead felt the starchy bandage.

You didn't cry the fourth day. Nor the fifth day. Or the sixth.

You stopped crying.

It was a strange week. You woke up, a nurse would help you eat food, take you to the bathroom when necessary, give you meds, then you went back to sleep. Day and night made no difference to you.

Armin and a few others came to see you somewhere between day 2 or 3. Armin held your hand and told you to not feel bad. That you had done enough. That your role would not be forgotten. But now it was time for you to rest.

You had laughed, blinking back the tears. You will not cry in front of the kids, you told yourself. Then you congratulated him and blessed him, told him to do his best. That you were so proud of him.

And you couldn't see faces but you could have sworn it was Connie who sniffled and it was Jean who rubbed your back.

And then, nothing.

No one really told you anything anymore. The first few days, you'd ask whoever you can find about what's happening and the latest news. But then you started noticing the annoyed tones and you stopped.

Now you know nothing.

And no one bothered to tell you. Why should they, you were no longer a captain were you?

You were nothing.

It was 2 more weeks later, when you were almost well enough to be discharged and you were used to this new dark world of yours to do basic things by yourself. You were standing by a window, trying to make up for the lack of sight from the warmth of the sunlight on your hands and the fresh air on your face. And you didn't know how you knew but when you heard the click and whirr of something mechanical enter the room, you turned around and smiled.

"Captain."

"Kid."

And after 3 weeks of not crying, you thought you might just cry then. But you swallowed it down.

"You're still gonna call me that?"

"You're one to talk. You still call me captain." He grumbled.

You laughed. It had been years ago when Levi used to be your commanding officer. And then you became a captain yourself. But that never stopped you from calling him by the title, for no other reason than to see him irritated.

"Lost a leg I heard? That why you on a wheelchair?"

"Appears so." Levi had replied in his usual dry tone. Then it had turned softer. "Those ever going to be okay again?"

Wasn't it strange? You thought. How you saw nothing but darkness and yet you can feel his gaze on you. You can picture the exact expression that must be on his face right now, bored, half-lidded, eyes fixed on you, his mouth a straight line. A flat, emotionless face because oh he'd never show you that he cares. But his eyes would be warm and they'd tell you all that you'd ever needed to know.

"Nah." You replied airily. Did he know how bad you wanted to run away from the room right now? You might've attempted it, had it not been for the fact that you can't see shit and you would most definitely stumble and trip over.

You wondered how unpleasant you looked right now. You knew your hair was a mess, you hadn't bothered really taking care of it. And you bet the scars on your face weren't pretty either.

"...forever?" He asked quietly.

"Forever." You confirmed.

And fuck the sun and the moon and the sky.

But you were never going to see Levi and his scowl ever again.

-

It had been one month and you were finally released from the hospital. A nurse followed you for two days, helping you to get familiar with the routes so you could move by yourself. Then you were left alone.

But you were a quick learner. You always were. You figured out soon enough how to live without the existence of light in your world.

And you wondered.

Where do you go from here?

-

You stiffened as you reached the hallway leading up to your room, your hands on the wall. Losing your eyesight had only heightened your other senses. And said senses told you somebody was there, at the end of the hallway, right in front of your room.

"Hey."

You relaxed, a smile quirking up. That voice. You knew that voice. You'd always know that voice. That always bored, tired and monotonous tone of his.

"Pleasant surprise, captain."

He sighed. "For the walls sake, please stop calling me that." He said, almost exasperated.

"Oh, why so?" You slowly shuffled your feet, using the walls to draw a mental map and reached the door of your room. You leaned on the wall beside the door where you guessed Levi was right in front of. "It's meant as a term of respect, captain. Maybe if you just stopped taking it personally?"

"Shut up." He grumbled. "We both know exactly why you call me that. Additionally, you are anything but respectful."

"Now that's just offensive. I only mean the best."

"Fuck off. We're the same rank." Levi paused. "Or at least was." He added bitterly.

"Resigned too, have you?" You asked quietly.

"Not much of a choice, was it? I can't do shit in this state. Plus I'm too old and too tired. Arlert did hope for me to be an advisor but I rejected it."

"Figured. You would've done well though."

"Like I said, I've done my part. What happens rest is up to the brats "

"Mhm." You nodded. "Smart brats though, they'll work it out." You reached for the doorknob, twisting it open. Then you guestured him to come in. "Ah, can you move the chair on your own, or do you need help?"

You heard Levi quietly exhale.

You waited a few seconds. Then sighed.

"You need to learn how to ask for help, you know. I know your hand still hasn't healed. So you could just ask." You told him as you walked over, using your intuition and hands to understand his position. Your hands brushed past his hands before it found the metal handles. You walked behind it to push him in.

"I know." Levi said quietly.

"Just your ego or did you feel guilty cause I'm blind now?" You asked casually. "Also tell me if I'm doing it right, might push you against a chair or something."

"That's fine. Leave it here." Levi replied. You reached behind to shut the door, then plopped on the bed.

"Your rooms a fucking stable, what the fuck." Levi muttered, a hint of disgust in his tone. You chuckled. It shouldn't be too messy, you knew, probably just a few clothes out of place. Leave it to Levi to be dramatic.

"Blind kid here remember? Show some sympathy." You said in mock offense.

You could almost hear Levi's eye roll.

"When are you moving out?" He asked.

"Fuck if I know." You sighed. You knew you couldn't stay much longer in the military quarters. Not when you're no longer a soldier. But you had zero fucking idea where you go next. "I mean, I heard someone saying queen Historia was going to arrange like apartments for the war veterans? Maybe I'll ask for one. Pathetically, like a begger." You muttered the last bit under your breath.

You heard Levi shift in his chair. "You're not pathetic." He said calmly.

"Yeah well." You groaned, dragging a arm over your face."What about you?"

Seconds passed. Levi gave no response.

Another thing losing your sight did was make you overthink every little thing that you couldn't see. "Levi?" You called out warily. "You there?"

You heard the whirl of the chair beside you. "..yeah. I'm here."

"God." You slumped back down. "Don't go fucking silent out of nowhere. I don't like it. Specially not when I can't see shit." It was the helplessness really.

"No. Sorry. I didn't mean to worry you." Levi said quietly.

You shifted. The years you spent with Levi had taught you to read Levi like no other. Levi never showed it on his face but..you could always tell when his tone would change.

"What's bothering you?"

Levi shuffled in his seat. Oh something was bothering him alright.

"What's wrong? Seriously." You felt the anxiety rise. You sat up straight. "Please, please don't be quiet like that. It freaks me out now. Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Ask something wrong?–"

"No." You heard some clicking sounds, almost as if he was fidgeting. "No. It's not you."

"Spit it out then, please." You spoke quietly and slowly, carefully choosing the words. There was a strange tension in the room, it made you feel suffocated. And you hated it. As if the darkness wasn't suffocating enough. "What did you want to say Levi?"

Another few seconds passed.

"Come with me."

You froze.

Somewhere in the room, a clock ticked away, synchronized with your heartbeat.

"...to where?" You asked softly after a pause.

"Marley. Come with me to Marley."

Heavy, heavy breaths. The pounding in your heart almost ached.

"...I don't understand."

"I.." Levi let out an exasperated breath. "Onyankapon offered me to go to Marley with him. Start new. And I thought.. since there's nothing left for you here either..so you might want to.."

And for a second you forgot to breathe. You could tell the exact moment your heart collapsed and your lungs stopped working. And you felt the exact moment time stopped around you.

"..you want me to go to Marley with you?" You asked in a quiet voice. So quiet you wondered if he could hear it. Perhaps you hoped he wouldn't hear it. He wouldn't hear the crack in your voice.

"..yes."

You felt your fingers clench the bedsheets. Just something to hold on to, anything. Because God damnit.

"Thought you didn't like having me around?"

"I don't."

"Yeah?" You laughed, a little breathless. "Have you considered the fact that now that I'm blind I'd be ten times worse to have around? Since I basically can't do shit."

"That's your concern?" He asked frustratedly.

"A valid concern. I will not be a burden Levi. I refuse to be."

"Shit, no." Levi huffed. "You're not a burden. And you're not pathetic. And before you even go there, no I'm not showing pity on you. So shut up."

You smiled. "No?" No, you knew. Levi was never the type to do things out of pity. And if that's the case.. "And what are we going to be there in Marley, Levi?"

"What?" He asked in a confused voice.

"We're going to live together as in what? Old comrades?" You swallowed, heart hammering against your chest. "Friends?"

Levi stayed quiet.

And you almost choked then, as the realization hit you. The silence gave you your answer. The last answer you thought it'd be. And there was pain, pain, pain. Everywhere. In your head and your heart.

You wanted it. So bad.

But he deserved better than you, didn't he? Someone who could take care of him, not someone who needed to be taken care of.

But he wants me.

The thought sent a fresh wave of pain along your chest. He wants me.

How could someone like him, want me?

But maybe, just maybe…

Just this once. You'll let yourself be greedy.

"I'll go."

"What?" Levi's voice was breathless. There was disbelief in it.

"I'll come with you to Marley, captain."

And for the first time since then, you let yourself cry. You let tears roll down your face and you let the sobs take you. And this time, when your fingers clenched around the bedsheet, his fingers slowly, tentatively wrapped around yours. And it told you everything he never got to say. All the things he didn't dare say.

And when he gently tugged on you, you didn't resist. You let him pull you to him as you wrapped your hands around him, curling up on his lap. And you cried, hands pressed to your face as your shoulders shook, and you cried because it's the first time you felt safe since you woke up in the dark.

It's okay. It was him, wasn't it? How could you not feel safe with him?

He'd die for you.

Levi and you. Levi and you. Isn't that how it always were?

In the battlefields, in trainings, in expeditions..

When have you ever looked over your shoulder and not found him scowling at you?

Levi's hands ever so gently wrapped around your shoulder, another hand smoothing the stray strands of hair out of your face when you felt his lips press to the top of your head. And it was the lightest whisper but you heard it.

"Thank you." He whispered.

And you nodded. Again. And again.

It's okay. You'll be okay.

He'll always be there.

-

"Levi?" You stood by the kitchen doorway, hands planted on the door. Your fingers flexed instinctively, braced for anything unexpected.

"Right here." He called out, and you immediately relaxed at the confirmation of his presence. You reached out your hand, searching for him. He took it, gently tugging you forwards towards him. You grinned when his arms wrapped around your waist, holding you close.

"Hi."

"Good morning to you too."

"I thought I told you to wake me up before you leave the bed?" You pout.

"Sorry. You looked peaceful."

You laughed hearing his answer. But you tipped up to plant a peck on his lips. Missed halfway though, you could never get the kiss right. "Seriously though. I freak out, you know that."

He let you go, ruffling your hair. "Yeah I know, you paranoid little shit. What, did you think I got abducted by aliens or something?"

"One can never know." You say airily. And though it was meant as a joke, you didn't tell him the real answer. It's everyday you're scared that one day, you'll wake up and he won't be there anymore.

"Go sit down, breakfast is almost ready."

"I think I'd stay around here a little while." You listened keenly to the sounds of his steps, the splatter of oil and something being pieced on the cutting board. Your nose perked up.

"Eggs and bacon?" You guessed as you walked over towards the kitchen counter. You used your hands to feel out an empty spot, then heaved yourself to sit there so your legs dangled.

"I'm feeling generous today, so I made pancakes too. Whatever you're in the mood for." He replied, the sound coming just beside you.

"No wonder why I love you." You beamed brightly.

"Because I feed you?" He scoffed.

"Indeed." You winced slightly when he flicked your forehead. "Hey!"

"Brat." He murmered.

You grinned, rubbing your forehead.

"What's the day like Levi?"

It had become an everyday routine of yours to ask the question. And Levi was never very good at making aesthetic descriptions but he tried. For you.

A lot of things had changed in Levi Ackerman's life. One of them was perhaps this.

He never really cared about the appearance of things. Colors were just colors to him, the sky was blue, the trees were green. That's it. It was you who loved it, you'd nitpick every little detail.

"It's not blue, it's like a pastel indigo you know? With a hint of green? Like, like turquoise I don't know-" You'd ramble and he'd scoff.

You loved everything and anything. All of it memerized you. You swooned everytime you saw a rainbow, got giddy everytime it snowed. And it used to be everyday, you forced Levi to look at the sky "cause it's so fucking pretty today!"

Colors didn't matter to Levi much until he met you.

He didn't care about colors but he cared when they were on you.

He liked the color of your eyes, how it'd change shades in the sun and how it went perfect with the color of your skin. He liked the color of your hair, of your lips, of every outfit you ever wore. He liked how the green of Scouts would look on you.

But it was always you who thought colors are the most wonderful thing in the universe.

Sometimes you'd lean uncomfortably close, squinting in concentration as you observed his face.

"What?" He'd cringe.

"You have pretty eyes." You'd mumble.

"It's fucking gray."

"Not quite. It's like silver but with a tinge of blue. Stormy clouds and moonlight."

He found it cruel that the world took away your only source of joy.

So there he was, every morning, trying to explain the exact shades of color that was on the sky today. One time he accidentally called the sunlight yellow and you were mad offended. "It's golden!"

Levi didn't mind though, not really.

Not when he gets to see the way your face brighten up with every little detail.

"Can I help?" You asked after a while.

"Yeah no. You'll burn my kitchen down."

"Please? I'll be careful, promise." You whined, jumping down from the counter. You brought your hands in a pleading gesture.

"Fine." He muttered. "Do the eggs then."

"Oh but I always end up breaking the yolk."

"Well don't break the yolk. Be careful."

He watched you as you cracked an egg in the bowl. You stiffened up immediately.

"Broke the yolk didn't I?"

"Yes" he snorted. "You're eating that one."

"Sorry. I'm such a mess." You mumbled.

Levi sighed. You got insecure when you couldn't help.

"If you want to help you can go wash the dishes."

That cheered you right up.

His eyes followed you as you practically bounced towards the sink.

That was another thing Levi had to get used to. Your energy.

Levi has always been a kept-low person. He's calm and quiet. Never talked unless he had to. Then you came and you were this big ball of pure chaos and he never knew how to quite keep up with you.

He loved it though, he loved how you expressed emotions so freely, how you rambled on about the smallest things so easily. He loved it all and he loved you.

The loss of light in your world had never changed a thing about you.

He often wondered what it must be like, living in the dark like that. At first, it was strange for him, how you'd always seem to notice his presence before he even entered the room. You'd turn around and give the brightest smile. It was strange how your silver orbs looked straight in his eyes yet he was aware you saw nothing. How you'd hear the smallest sounds, notice the barest shifts in the air.

You loved the rain, and you loved the snow. You said it was nice to at least feel the world every once in a while.

But there were things that always broke his heart as well. How you were always so tense, the way you'd start panicking the moment you reach out and can't find him beside you. Sometimes, you'd be so dazed in doing something or perhaps sleeping, and he'd touch you and you'd flinch or jump on your feet. Then on, he learned gently knocking before entering any room you were in so to not startle you.

You were always the careful one. The on your toes one. You never let your guard down. Back in the scouts, your instincts never failed to impress him. So he often wondered what it must be like you for now, now that you lost one of your biggest advantages. When so much of your life you passed relying on your vision. After losing your eyes, you have only become more tense. One little unusual sound and you'd go rigid. He absolutely hated the helpless look that'd take place on your features when you'd struggle with something.

He hated how you never asked for help.

And he hated how sometimes you'd have nightmares in the middle of the night and you'd wake up, overwhelmed when you saw nothing but darkness. You'd forget the loss of your vision and you'd panic when no matter how much you screamed, you can't seem to wake yourself up. And he had to hold you, he had to calm you down, he had to remind you. And he hated, absolutely hated the look that'd take place after the daze passes and you realize there's no escaping the darkness.

Sometimes, you'd ask about your scars. You'd ask if they were hideous. And Levi would press a kiss on your temple, and that'd be an answer in itself. But yet, sometimes he found you going over the torn tissues of your face, expression scrunching with every feel of the ragged surface around your eyes. He'd always take your hand and press it to his own face, as a reminder.

Then you'd trace his ones. You'd go over the scars that ran from his eye to his chin gently. You remember those, you still had your sight when Hange had stiched them up. But it helps you ground yourself.

A reminder that you weren't the only one.

Sometimes you'd go out, you and him. And before Levi had gotten the prosthetic leg, you used to push him around. It was perfect really, Levi were your eyes and so you helped him move.

And then it was Levi's hands entertwined with yours as he'd guide you around the streets. You liked parks, for the feel of bare grass underneath your feet.

Sometimes Gabi and Falco would join. During then, it'd be Gabi who'd enthusiastically tell you little details of the world around you. And she was definitely better than Levi so he'd stay quiet. "A black cat just passed by and it exactly looked like Mr. Levi, like, like with the scowl and everything-"

Sometimes, Reiner, Pieck and Onyankapon would come visit. And those days, nothing could wipe the grin off your face. You liked it when there were people in the house. You liked it when it was loud.

Levi didn't like loud. But he liked that it made you happy. It made you feel safe in that dark world of yours. It reminded you that you weren't stuck in your own head, you were here, with everyone else.

A lot of things had changed in Levi's life, but he didn't mind.

Not really.

He liked how easily you'd reach out to hold him when you'd lose balance or you needed to know where he was. He liked how your kisses were so sloppy and almost always missed and the way you'd get so embarrassed. He liked how your tense shoulders would relax once you realized it was him before you.

How you trusted him with your life.

A lot of things had changed in Levi Ackermans life.

You had brought love into it.

And he doesn't think he'll ever be able to let you go.

[icyhotuntilidie]

Bad ideas

Bad idea.

The thought echoed in your mind as you watched him, your heart racing despite the voice of reason screaming for you to look away. Your mind was listing all the reasons why you can't, you shouldn't. Your heart ignored it all.

Bad, bad ideas.

look away look away look away

You couldn't.

Levi sat next to you on the sofa, blissfully unaware of the chaos in your head. He was casually holding a beer can in that strange way he did, fingers gripping the top edge of it.

Was it strange that you found it attractive? You wondered how mortified he would be if he knew.

You shook your head, trying to snap out of it. But it felt different. Tonight.

How had you even ended up here?

You remembered showing up at Levi’s door just a few hours earlier, a plastic bag filled with cheap alcohol in hand. Your original intention was to consume them yourself, to drown your sorrows alone, to escape the whirlwind of emotions left in the wake of the disastrous expedition of today. But for whatever reason, you had sought him out instead. Your mind was restless and you knew Levi's were too.

He would understand. He always did.

So when Levi opened the door with a scowl on his face, you'd blurted it out without thinking.

“Wanna drink with me?”

He had blinked, confused, eyeing the bag then looking back at you.

“...I don't think you're supposed to be drinking.” He said after a moment, tone blunt but not unkind.

You had shaken your head. “Trust me,” You replied. “I do. And I think you do too.”

And that had been that. After a pause, Levi let out a soft grunt of acknowledgment, stepping aside to let you in. “Couldn’t you find someone else?” he’d muttered, but he didn’t push you away.

Hours slipped by in a blur. One bottle turned into another, and you found yourself ranting about everything: Erwin’s decisions. The bloodshed. The guilt. You unleashed every ounce of anger, resentment and guilt you held in your heart, complaining to him about every single thing you could find to complain about. The more you went through the bottles and the more the night fell, the more drunk you became, the less it was starting to be actually connected to what you were here for and more about the silly concerns and irritations of something only a drunk person would care about.

Levi sat quietly through it all, never once interrupting but always present, always listening. That was the thing about Levi—he didn’t talk much, but when he did, his words meant something. And when he didn’t, it wasn’t because he wasn’t paying attention.

But now you were here.

Silence filled the room, thick and heavy. You’d stopped talking a while ago, and Levi hadn’t moved. The quiet was suffocating, and your thoughts—dangerous, forbidden thoughts—were growing louder by the second. A part of you knew that this was not where you should be.

But it felt so different.

The thoughts were getting louder. Strange thoughts. Thoughts about the man beside you, thoughts you'd usually fight against, now impossible to ignore as you struggled to find something, anything to occupy your mind and anything to deny the unwilling confessions your heart was now whispering to you.

You weren't sober. And being here, with Levi, while incapacitated was a very dangerous gamble you had made tonight.

Why were you here, really? You thought. Why Levi?

“Couldn’t you find someone else?” He had asked.

Couldn't you? Weren't there other options?

So, why were you really here?

How were you supposed tell him that you.. just wanted to be with him a little?

Levi wasn't one to let people in. So you took what you got. Groans, grumbles, those snappy little remarks, you'd take it all. If that just means you got to spend a few hours with him. But how could you tell him that?

It was an excuse, you knew. You could drink alone; you didn't need someone else. All of it was an excuse you made yourself to justify this irrational yearning to be with him for a little while. Because you knew he wouldn't turn you away, not when you were sad.

Friends, the remnants of rationality insisted. You and Levi were just friends. So you have been for many years. That's what you were. And that's why you wanted to be close to him. That's why you seeked him. Because it was a rough day. Because he's a good listener. That's what friends do.

Friends.

Are friends supposed to have thoughts you had right now? Friends, so why did your heart race the way it was?

You were losing the battle you’ve been fighting for years. Every inch of you was warning you. These were bad, bad ideas, and it could ruin everything. Everything you've worked for. Not many could call Levi Ackerman their friend. You could. That's enough. That should be enough.

But it was happening so fast. With every passing moment, the less sober you were becoming and you really, really shouldn't be here at all.

But how could you not?

You stared at him blankly. He wasn't looking at you, blankly staring somewhere in the distance. He looked relaxed. More relaxed than you've ever seen him. His usual sharp, steely eyes half-lidded, his dark hair falling messily over his forhead. There was a faint flush on his pale cheeks and there, just there you saw the barest glimpse of vulnerability. He looked so soft, so unlike the hardened soldier you've always seen him to be.

God, he was so pretty. Always.

Now that you thought of it, you think you'd fallen the first time you've met him. It was so easy to.

He was a grumpy little asshole, a storm of contradictions—sharp-tongued and distant, yet in his quiet moments, so deeply, unshakably kind. You yearned to touch him. If he'd let you. If he only let you.

But boundaries. You dared not.

Still, staring at him, drunk and dazed, you think you just might.

You just might.

"... Lev?" You whispered, the word slipping from your lips before you could stop it.

Levi stirred, coming back from his thoughts. He frowns, turning to glance at you. "Yeah?"

You swallow, your throat suddenly dry. Why did you call him? Why were you doing this?

"Levi." You repeated. Did he know how much you loved his name? He notices it, you can tell, the tremor in your voice, one you couldn’t hide. His gaze sharpens, though the confusion lingers.

"...what?"

He set the drink down, focusing entirely on you now, a hint hint of concern flickering in his usually blank expression.

“I’m going to do something, Levi,” you muttered quietly, your heart pounding in your chest. “And you can’t get mad, okay?”

Now or never. Now or never. Your heart chanted quietly. Before the liquid courage dies down.

Levi leaned back almost instinctively, looking down at you with narrowed gray eyes. “That depends,” he replied, “Are you going to throw up on me?”

"No," you answered, “No, Levi.”

But just as you leaned in closer, your breath catching in your throat, you see his expression change. His eyes widen, just a fraction, and you realize that he knows. He knows what you were about to do. You see the exact moment it hit him.

There’s no going back now.

You close the gap between you in one swift, desperate motion, pressing your lips against his. For a heartbeat, he’s frozen. You think you’ve ruined everything. But then, as if time itself stops, Levi responds. His lips part against yours, tentative but warm, and for a moment, you forget to breathe.

Because this? This was everything.

You had spent days wondering how they'd feel but you had never thought of this. His lips were so soft, so plush against yours. So warm, he was pouring liquid heat into your mouth and holy fuck Levi Ackerman was kissing you. His hands were on you—gripping your arms, pulling you in. He was kissing you like he had been waiting forever. Like it was everything he couldn't say and he needed you to understand. Like he couldn't breathe and you're the only source of air.

Levi Ackerman was kissing you.

Holy fuck.

The realization hit you like a tidal wave, and you jerked back, gasping for air. The world spun around you, the gravity of what just happened crashing down hard. You sat there for a heartbeat, pulse thundering in your ears, waiting for him to say something—anything. But he just stared at you, wide-eyed, his chest rising and falling like he’d sprinted through hell. Disbelief and confusion carved into his sharp features.

What had you done?

“I should go,” you muttered, the words barely audible, more to yourself than to him. “I'm so sorry, I should go.”

But just as you began to turn away, he stopped you with a single, rough whisper.

“Don’t start something you can’t finish, you fucking coward.”

Then his lips were crashing back onto yours and you were gone.

There was no going back now.

[icyhotuntilidie]

This be him fr.

[icyhotuntilidie]

wish there was a non rude way to be like “I understand your criticism, I don’t even necessarily disagree with it, but I am doing these things on purpose, because I like them and I want to, and therefore your opinion has no value, because you might think me painting a room entirely pink is tacky, but I did it on purpose”

[icyhotuntilidie]

Ackerman’s blood

This story contains spoilers of the currents events taking place in the manga.

Father!Levi story, angst!

Keep reading

[icyhotuntilidie]

levi ackerman // fic recommendations

note: remember to read the tags! + i do not own any of these works

you’re drunk and ridiculous (and he can’t trust you with anyone else)

gestures

no funny business

as the spark dies

wild card

dust, diamonds

dirty money

nobody's fault but mine

traditions

time

the wife

crush

percolate

petals inked in red

spite

one million to one

power trip

ghost

silent treatment

love hate me

as the world caves in

two faced

bad romance

garden of tulips

plans

and when i see you smile, the clouds will clear

ghostly greetings

safe haven

panacea

sayonara

“may i?”

his wounded heart beats for one

beneath the pages

respite on black waters

galaxies past

overwhelming

[icyhotuntilidie]

There seems to be a bit of debate within the fandom about whether Isayama stated that Erwin is handsome while Levi isn't, or if Erwin was based on Captain America, and so on.

What I'll offer you is my personal take on the matter, as someone who not only happens to be a woman but also, sadly, a woman who likes men (lol) but also as someone with plenty of friends who share that preference.

Let me preface this by saying that I don't intend for this post to be seen as definitive proof or canon, derived from specific panels or interviews. No, this is simply my humble opinion, based on one thing: my perspective as a woman.

Now, if Isayama believes that Erwin resembles Captain America due to his care for his appearance, and thus is deemed more conventionally attractive, that's fine. But let's remember, Isayama is a MAN. When has a man ever accurately grasped what women truly find appealing?

Sure, Erwin may be tall, handsome, and blond. I'll admit, I even find Erwin attractive. But do you know any girls who go wild over that? No, girls aren't going to Marvel movies for Thor or Captain America (well, maybe some are). They're there for Loki, the Winter Soldier. Men seem to think girls thrist over Captain America's abs, when in reality, I've witnessed more girls giggling over Bambi's dad and his deep voice. Girls don't fantasize about Captain America; they're watching Peaky Blinders or Pride and Prejudice, yearning for a Tommy Shelby to size them up, cigarette and whiskey in hand, with that Birmingham accent asking, "Are you a whore? If not, you're in the wrong place." We want Daemon Targaryen beheading someone who dared insult us.

In my own fanfic, I don't deny that characters like Mike, Erwin, Reiner, Zeke, and all the "conventionally attractive guys" are attractive. But Levi? He's known as the strongest thug in the underground, yet he's also the man who rescued a young girl lost in the streets. In a den of violence and depravity, Levi was both tough and compassionate. I'd wager Levi had the bitches making lines.

The perfect example of this is Zeke admitting he's "not popular with girls." It's like the guy who posts a frustrated TikTok because his gym crush is dating someone edgy. He's the type who wonders, "Why that twig and not me?" Well, sweetheart, because that "edgy" guy is caring and probably knows how to make a woman come better than you. He's so secure in his masculinity that he doesn't need to prove it.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Levi embodies the female gaze because he's what girls want. I'm not claiming this as gospel truth or canon. I'm simply explaining why it seems obvious to me that Levi would still be attractive and desired within the walls—just like how many girls these days prefer Cillian Murphy over Chris Hemsworth.

[icyhotuntilidie]

I’d sell myself and my soul just to fix that tea cup for him

[icyhotuntilidie]

Gabi: lmfao why do you hold your cup like that

Levi:

[icyhotuntilidie]

Levi x Jealous!Reader AU

Lover Girl

Thanks for the request ❤️

Jealousy is the ugliest trait.

You don’t get jealous.

You’ll never be ugly like that.

But man is it hard not to be when you see a pretty girl flirting with the guy you like.

“Y/N! You love this place so much you visit on your day off?” Hanji places a cup of coffee on a customer’s table with a smile, and then walks over to your table. “And you brought Little Rascal for a pupachino?”

Hanji kneels down and rubs your dog’s stomach. The little weiner dog happily flops over to get some pets.

You glance inside the coffee shop to peek at the new girl so nonchalantly flirting with Levi. “Hmm…yeah I just came for some coffee and sunshine.”

Sitting on the other chair, Hanji smirks and rests her chin on her palm. “Watching over your boooooyfriiiieeennnd?”

You scoff as a bright red blush crosses your cheeks. “He’s not my boyfriend! And I’m not watching over anyone!”

“And the sky isn’t blue.” Hanji snorts. “It’s fine girly-kins! The new girl is only here for training!”

The front door jingles as it swings open. “What’s going on out here?”

You glare at Hanji as she smirks. “Just asking our dear friend why she’s hanging around work on her day off?”

Levi clicks his tongue. “Yeah, why are you here? You don’t trust this place to run without you?”

You were about to reply when the new girl, Anne, popped up from behind Levi. “Don’t worry! Levi does great! I’m getting the best training around!” She says with a wide grin. “Right, Levi?”

With a nod, Levi crosses his arms. “Yeah, we’re doing perfectly fine here. Now were you going to order something or just sit around?”

Hanji pursed her lips at the tension filling the air, and she can practically feel the anger radiating from you.

Giving an annoyed sigh, you scoot your chair back to stand. “Not if you’re going to make it. You may be the best at making tea, but you tend to burn the coffee.”

Flipping your sunglasses back over your eyes, you grab Little Rascal’s leash and start walking away.

Anne walks forward. “Wait! I want to pet your cute dog!” As she leans over to pet him, Little Rascal growls, causing her to retract her hand in fear.

“Sorry, he’s shy.” You smile and walk off.

The trio watches as trek your way back downtown.

“What the hell is up her ass?” Levi asks Hanji.

Hanji can only shrug her shoulders and lie. “Not sure. Why don’t you ask her.”

You’re telling Little Rascal good job for having your back when your phone pings.

Levi Shorty: Get your ass back here.

You: Why????

Levi Shorty: Any reason why you’re cranky today?

You: nope

Levi Shorty: Is it something I said?

You: no. its really nothing. just go back to training anne <3

Levi Shorty: What’s with the heart?

You decide to end the conversation when you make it to the dog park, but start hearing pings of Levi’s annoyance when you don’t answer him.

Levi Shorty: Hello?

Levi Shorty: So it was me.

Levi Shorty: You really shouldn’t be walking around town by yourself.

Levi Shorty: The little hot dog can only protect you so much.

Levi Shorty: I will call you if you don’t answer.

“Then go ahead, I’ll just ignore you.” You talk to yourself as you watch Little Rascal run around in the dog park.

Your phone rings and you send it to voicemail.

It rings again.

And again.

And again.

You answer on the fifth call. “What?!”

Levi: Hey watch your attitude, brat, I’m just making sure you’re ok.

“Yes! Yes I’m ok! I’m just busy watching my dog at the dog park. I can’t just keep my eyes off him, ya know.” You half yell.

Levi: Y/N what’s with you? You’ve been acting weird the past two weeks.

You roll your eyes and squeeze your phone. “I’ve been fine. Just…just go back to lover girl.”

Levi: Who?

“LOVER GIRL. The girl YOU ARE TRAINING.” You emphasize through clenched teeth.

Levi: I have no idea what you mean by that.

“Of course you don’t. Ok, I have to go now.” You hang up the phone before Levi can respond.

Tears fill your eyes as you watch Little Rascal run up to you. “Buddy, I’m acting like a fool aren’t I?” Little Rascal whines as he licks your hand. “Don’t cry, because I’ll cry more. Ugh…I probably ruined any chances I had. All because of some stupid jealousy.”

After taking some time to pull yourself together, you’re just about to head home when someone grabs your arm.

You flip around ready to defend yourself when Levi is staring back at you. “Levi?”

“You’re jealous.” He interrupts you before you deny it. “Hanji told me. Why the hell are you jealous? I was just doing my job.”

You shake your head with a laugh. “Guys really are clueless sometimes. Why would I be jealous of you doing your job?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. Do you feel like I was giving her better training?”

You hold back a scream and curl your fingers into a fist. “NO LEVI! I was jealous because I’ve been watching her flirt with you for the past couple weeks, and I don’t like it because I have a thing for you. JESUS!”

Levi doesn’t know what to say. He can only stare back at you as he goes over the options in his head. “Well…she’s not you…”

“Is that good or bad?”

He smiles softly. “Bad. Did you want to go get lunch? We can take the little hot dog.”

You inwardly squeal as you realize Levi is taking you out for a little date. “Sure.”

Levi smiles and picks up Little Rascal. “His little legs will only slow us down.”

[icyhotuntilidie]

Hands down the best Levi smut i ever read so far

What happened in Marley

Pairing: Levi Ackerman x female reader

Warning: NSFW 18+, minors dni, spoilers for s4 of aot!

Concept: A passionate night between you and Levi in Marley leads to Levi pushing you away, until one night where he can't control his feelings anymore.

"(name)? You alright? You don't seem quite yourself ever since we got back from Marley."

Onyankopon asks taking a sip from his glass, he has been wondering why you had recently been acting strange, almost as if your mind was in a totally different place.

"I've been....." You glump, mouth going dry. It's not like you can actually tell him what was bothering you ".. thinking about Eren, the rumbling, you know, the whole shebang."

He takes another sip out of his glass, unconvinced by your words. Not wanting to push it further, he stands up after finishing his drink. "You can always talk to me you know that."

"I know, thanks, Pon." Smiling at you, he stands up bringing the now empty glass with him and exiting your room.

You sigh trying to focus on anything else but memories of that night with Levi in Marley. Everything reminds you of it, the flowers on your table reminding you of the vase that broke as he pinned you against the counter or even the birds outside that remind you of waking up next to him than doing it again.

Both of you agreed that it was a one-time thing, a night where the two of you are able to express your love for each other.

But it feels as if that one night wasn't enough for you and hopefully for him.

It feels like pieces of your own body are missing. His lips left a permanent mark on your skin.

From your childhood you were taught that Eldians are the spawn of the devil, how they are the cause for all of your countries problems.

How are you going to explain that you madly fell in love with an Eldian to people who taught you those things? You won't. Not if Levi asks you to stay.

________________

Levi tries his best to focus on finding Eren, reading his letter over and over again however all of those words on paper make no sense, you are consuming his mind. He can't stop thinking about that night two weeks ago.

Your soft skin under his touch, those beautiful noises you made, everything about you was driving him mad.

In his mind, you're perfect even with all your flaws, there is nothing more he loves than you.

Levi knows that those walls he built around his heart were knocked down by you and yet, he isn't ready to give himself to you. You deserve better, you deserve someone who isn't stuck in an endless circle of pain, someone who knows how to express themselves without hurting your feelings.

He isn't ready and he isn't ready to give you away to someone else better either.

For one moment he let himself go and it ended with you two having the most passionate sex ever in your lives. Levi's thoughts are interrupted when he hears a soft knock on the door.

"Come in." When your head pops up from behind the door, Levi can feel his breath stop for a moment. He hasn't talked to you in two weeks, trying his best to avoid you.

But you know him too well, he isn't ignoring you because he is mad, he is ignoring you because he is scared. He always has been scared to let people in and you understand, after losing many loved people it's easier to push them away not to get hurt again.

"Hey.." You awkwardly step in. There is a weird feeling in the air that you can't explain. ".. how have you been?"

Levi doesn't say anything, instead, he just returns to the work before him, he has to push you away, he is like a curse, if you get too close he might lose you and Levi can't stand the thought of that happening.

"What no answer?" Closing the door behind you, you lean your head back on the door letting out a long sigh of frastuiton.

"Look I know that what wa-"

"Shouldn't have happened," Levi says completely bluntly, not wanting to look at you. "But it did." You walk closer to his table, wanting to at least try to talk to him.

"It shouldn't have. I'm busy. Get out." The coldness in his tone surprises you, he still didn't look at you since you came in.

"Fine then..... I'll be in my room if you want to talk." You exit his office, now even more frustrated than before. Levi wasn't making this easy for you.

As soon as you close the door behind you, Levi stops his pen. He runs his fingers through his hair, you aren't making things easy for him.

_________________________________________

Later that night, you are sitting at your window looking at the stars in the sky. It's a beautiful night, just like the one in Marley. As much as you try not to think about it, you can't stop that memory of Levi's lips on your skin.

It was like poison, each memory can be felt more on your body. You thought that having sex would put your feelings for him at ease at least a little, instead, they only increased with every passing minute.

You have no idea what Levi wants, you do know what you want and that is him. A few quiet knocks on your door grab your attention.

"It's me." You hear Levi's voice and you're at the door in no time. When you open it, Levi is there, grey eyes as cold as ever. He doesn't sit instead only stands in the middle of your room looking you directly in the eyes this time.

"Listen. You are a great person and I-I... You deserve better."

You raise your eyebrow at him, Levi has always been someone who struggled with words when it came to expressing his feelings. He isn't being honest here.

"That night. That was proof of what we both know Levi."

"No. It was a moment of weakness and that's about it. No personal feelings involved."

"You're really saying that you don't have feelings for me?" You cross your arms against your chest, growing impatient as he takes longer to answer.

A lamp grows in Levi's throat. He does, damn him he does. He wouldn't know how to live if you looked at another man like you look at him.

"No." It comes out colder than Levi wanted to, almost as if it came out of hate instead of burning love that he has for you.

"Alright then, you know where the door is." That's all you say as you turn your back on him, eyes full of tears.

Levi doesn't say another word instead grants your wishes and walks out of your room. God he hated himself, it felt like someone ripped his heart straight out of his chest when he was saying those words to you.

As much as it hurt, it was better this way. You would stay away from him and move on and he, he will forever keep falling into the endless pit of pain and love.

_________________________________________ Few weeks have passed since you and Levi last spoke, few weeks have passed since he broke your heart. You haven't been feeling at all well, trying your best to keep your eyes off of Levi anytime your paths crossed. You missed him.

Levi has been in his office most of the time, not even bothering to come out. Only when he has to eat or drink.

He isn't in a good mood these days, just last week Sasha came to dinner with tears in her eyes because he yelled at her for accidentally spilling tea on the floor.

It was unusual behavior, he has never raised his tone at one of the kids outside of training. Clearly, something is getting to him and you think you know just what.

As your thoughts keep wondering, a loud knock surprised you. Who could it be at this time of the night?

When you open the door, your eyes go wide. Levi is standing before you. His black hair was messy, cheeks flushed.

"Levi? What are you do-" Before you can finish your sentence, his lips are on yours. He is kissing you with so much need that your head is spinning.

"Can't do it. Fuck, I tried. Can't. Need you." He is gasping between kisses, you tug at his bottom lip with your teeth.

Your legs wrap around his torso as he carries you back to your bed, your back hits the soft mattress and Levi climbs between your legs in no time.

He continues eagerly kissing you, tongue entering your mouth as soon as you make a sound. Your hands are around his neck, his fingers feel like feathers as they touch your thighs.

You moan when you feel his erection press against your clothed pussy. Levi rolls his hips in response, creating more friction. He pulls away from your lips, a string of saliva connecting you both but he continues to rut his hips into you.

"Levi.." Your hands grip his forearms, just the way he is looking at you could be enough to send you over the edge.

"Gonna let me take care of you?" Nodding your head, you pull him in for a kiss again. This one is passionate but slow, Levi is drinking you in, loving every second of it.

His kisses trail from your cheek to your neck in no time, leaving wet marks all over your skin. Once he finds that special spot, he bites making you grip on his shirt.

His hands wonder under your top, gently rubbing your belly. "Fuck let me take this off, baby." You lift your upper body slightly and the top comes off of you in one swift move.

Levi's eyes take a good look at your upper body, every curve measured. The candlelight beautifully illuminating your skin.

"What a lucky man I am. Come here." He lifts you up, sitting you on his lap as his lips suck and kiss on your breasts. You grab him by his hair, rolling your hips against him and he groans.

"Levi..." His name leaves your lips when he pulls on your nipple with his teeth, your moans making him more aroused.

He flips you on your back again, hands at your pants as he slowly pulls them down your legs, kissing your skin as he goes.

Once he sees that wet spot on your underwear, he smirks sloppily kissing your inner thighs until he reaches your cunt. Teeth sink into the fabric of your underwear as Levi takes them off with his mouth.

Shivering you lean your head back into your pillow. Levi is now eyeing your pussy, eyes hungry. He loves the way it's twitching for him.

"My good girl hmm? All this for me?" You nod, pulling his head down between your legs with your hands. Levi obligated, tongue entering you without warning.

"Oh-Fuck! All for you Lev'" Your back arches off the bed, hips rutting up against Levi's face. He slaps your cunt and you yelp. "Keep your hips in one place." His hands come to your hips, pressing them down into the mattress so that you can't buck them up anymore.

His tongue finds your pussy again, this time he finds your clit immediately, giving it teasing licks before lapping on it fully.

You're a complete lost cause, the pleasure too overwhelming. However, when he feels your high approaching, he pulls away, lips covered in your slick but hands still on your hips.

"Brat so soon? Have you missed me that much?" It's unfair, he is fully dressed while you're completely naked under him, a moaning mess.

He comes back up to your face kissing you again. The kiss is only broken when you feel two fingers enter you, making you throw your head to the side.

"Gonna cum.." You say almost breathless and Levi only continues fucking you with his fingers. "Cum for me." And you do on the spot, hips bucking against his fingers as that wave of pleasure runs through your body.

Gently, Levi pulls his fingers out, putting them in his mouth and licking them clean. Your faces are inches apart, mouth open wide at his actions.

It takes you a few seconds before you tug at his shirt, Levi puts his hands up so that you can take it off completely. Ahh, there it is, that perfect upper body of his that makes your mouth water.

Hands reach down to his belt, unlocking it. When Levi sees what your intention is, he moved your hand away.

"No, I need to fuck you now. Can't wait anymore." Nodding your head, you get yourself in a comfortable position as Levi undresses himself completely.

He lines himself up with your belly to see how deep he would go. "Fuck.... You'll feel me right here." And then he thrusts inside of you, throwing his head back with a moan. You try your best not to be too loud.

"So tight... Fuck." Levi's thrusting is slow at first, devouring the warm feeling of your walls. "Cunt is too good, so perfect." When those words leave his mouth and when he sees that you have adjusted to him, his thrust speeds up.

Grabbing your knees, he pushes them up to your chest and you feel his cock reach the deepest part of you, filling you completely.

You feel so full, the noises leaving your mouth are something you would be ashamed of if anyone happened to hear.

"Levi! Levi! Right there!" His cock hits your g spot. "Yeah? Here?" He slows a little, eyes filled with love as they look at your own.

It is all happening quickly but that's the way you both need it to take the frustration out of you.

Levi stops for a moment as he grabs a pillow, he puts it under your hips wasting no time to enter you again. You let out a loud moan, this angle is hitting every spot possible.

"Holy-Fuck! Levi!" At that Levi starts moving in a ruthless pace, fucking you into oblivion, this was nothing like the night in Marley. Levi was rough, he wanted to ruin you, he wanted to make you pay for making him fall in love with you.

"You're so-mmmh-deep!"

"Yeah?? Show me, baby." You take his hand and press it against the bludge in your navel. Levi smirks, slowing down his movements to enjoy the feeling of his cock deep inside of you.

"Mine." He thrusts hard. "Mine." He thrusts even harder. "You're mine." And again. Your pussy clenches around his cock and you feel your orgasm building up.

"Levi I'm gonna-"

"Do it baby, milk all over my cock." You moan loudly, hands gripping the sheets besides you as you come all over him. Levi gasps feeling his own high approaching.

"Where should I hmm?" Your legs only hug his hips in response and Levi cums just by that action, his warm seed filling you up.

"Oh shit, (name), (name)." Moaning your name, Levi slowly pulls out of you, watching as his cum drips out of your pussy.

He lays his head down onto your chest, both if your bodies sweaty from the intense love making. "I'm so sorry." He kisses the mark that he previously left on your neck. "Shh I know." Kissing his forehead, you smile into his hair.

You finally had him and he had you. It felt like the two of you didn't need anything besides each other.

[icyhotuntilidie]

Feminine Charm

Warnings: Pining, masturbation, male masturbation, female anatomy described.

It wasn't the task itself that irked Levi, but rather the distraction you posed to him. Your alluring presence had been the bane of his existence ever since you had joined the regiment, and he had managed to avoid these lessons until now. However, he knew he could no longer put it off any longer. Erwin had finally noticed his incessant avoidance of your lessons and insisted he attend to oversee the progress of providing practical advice and knowledge surrounding equine care to the soldiers. He made his way down the path towards the training grounds, sighing heavily, his eyes darting around as if searching for an escape route.

As he neared the stables, he could hear the gentle whinnying of the horses and the laughter of the soldiers in attendance. It was a peaceful scene, one that should have been soothing...but it only served to remind him of how much he wanted to be anywhere but here. Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself for the inevitable onslaught of feminine charm and wit that was sure to come his way.

He watched from several feet away at the group of recruits gathered around a particularly skittish mare, their hands hovering uncertainly over her flank. He recognised your voice as you instructed them on how to approach the animal properly, how to check for any signs of illness or injury.

Even from a distance, Levi could see the admiring glances the soldiers were giving you, their cheeks flushed with excitement and anticipation. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, trying to decide whether or not he should approach you. He knew he should probably at least say hello, but the thought of actually speaking to you made his heart race. He'd been so focused on your appearance from afar that he'd forgotten how intelligent and capable you were. It was almost intimidating.

As he watched you work, he couldn't help but admire the way you moved, the way you handled the horses. There was a certain grace to your actions that seemed almost otherworldly. Even the most skittish horses seemed to calm down in your presence.

But there was something about you that just set him on edge. Maybe it was the way you moved, so confident and sure of yourself, or the way your laughter seemed to echo through the air, making every man within earshot feel like they were the only one you were paying attention to.

As Levi continued to watch, he found it impossible not to be captivated by the way you worked. You carried yourself with an air of authority that was both commanding and alluring. The fabric of your uniform hugged your curves in all the right places, emphasising your femininity without being overly revealing. He could feel his heart racing as he took in the sight of you, his gaze lingering on the gentle curve of your hips and the swell of your breasts beneath the material.

You glanced up, spotting him at the back of the group. You smiled brightly and waved him over. "Ah, Captain Levi! The commander said you would be checking in." Your voice was like honey, smooth and inviting. Levi nodded curtly in response, feeling a blush creep up his neck. "Now, let me show you how to properly clean and bandage a horse's hoof," you say, addressing the whole group while gesturing for Levi to come closer.

He forced himself to meet your eyes as you began to explain the process, his heart racing. Despite his best efforts, he found it impossible to focus. You moved with such confidence and grace, your hands expertly working on the horse's hoof. As you spoke, you would occasionally glance at him, a playful sparkle in your eyes. It was infuriating and intoxicating all at once.

The rest of the lesson passed in a blur. He tried to focus on what you were saying, to take in the information you were imparting, but his mind kept wandering back to the way your hair danced in the breeze when you laughed, or the gentle curve of your shoulders. When the lesson finally came to an end, he found himself thanking you, his voice barely above a whisper.

"You're welcome, Captain," you replied with a smile, your eyes twinkling mischievously. "I hope you found it informative."

He nods, "Yes, well... thank you. You're a valuable asset to the regiment, I'm sure Erwin will be pleased to hear how well things are going." He turned to leave, wanting nothing more than to put some distance between himself and you right now.

Levi made it to his office without incident, but the moment he sat down at his desk, he knew he couldn't concentrate on anything but the events of the past few hours. Shifting in his seat, he carefully adjusts himself, hissing through his teeth at the growing sensation between his legs.

Levi's mind races, conjuring up vivid fantasies of you - your soft, pliant body beneath his, your delicate skin. He imagines the sounds you'd make, the way you'd arch into his caresses. His breathing grows ragged as his arousal builds until finally he can't hold back any longer.

His hands trembled as he reached down to his trousers, struggling to keep his composure. His heart raced, his breath coming in short, ragged gasps.

He unfastened his trousers, freeing his aching erection. It sprang forth, thick and hard, the tip glistening in the dim light. He grasped it in his hand, feeling the heat and the strength of it against his skin. His fingers traced the veins that ran along its length, his touch featherlight at first, then more urgent as the need for release grew more insistent.

Levi closed his eyes, relishing the sensation of his own touch. He imagined it was your hand wrapped around him, your fingers moving in a gentle rhythm.

A deep, guttural moan escapes Levi's lips as he picks up the pace, his hand gliding urgently along his throbbing length. 

His grip tightened around his cock, his strokes becoming firmer. He imagined your lips on his skin, sucking and teasing until he was on the brink of release. He pictured your breasts and how they strained against your uniform, the way your ass looked in your trousers as you bent down. "Oh fuck"... he gasps, his voice strained with pleasure... Your name falls from his lips in a reverent whisper, just before a series of low, guttural grunts signals his climax. The sensation was almost too much to bear, and with a groan of pleasure, his orgasm ripped through him, his body shuddering. He arches his back, his head thrown back, spurting hot seed onto his hand.

He lay there, panting heavily, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he tried to catch his breath. His cock still throbbed in his hand, the pleasure coursing through him, his mind still plagued by thoughts of you.

"Tsk."

[icyhotuntilidie]

he can infodump so deep inside me I'll have trivia running down my leg

[icyhotuntilidie]

Levi’s thighs clap down on your hips, as he slowly pulls and pushes back into you, warming you up to him. His hands hold your waist, his fingers doing smoothing circles on your soft skin.

“Come on, honey, you can take me.” He whispers in your ear, softly yet sternly. He pulls out almost completely, before slamming back in, making your walls clamp around him.

He moves his pale, slander, callused hands to cupping your face, running his fingers over your cheeks.

“That’s such a good girl, you’re starting to take me so well.” He says, lovingly, as you let out a little moan, his own following after yours.

“Can you moan for me?” He asks, as if it’s a simple question, but a small smirk grows on his face, as he kisses your ear.

You simply let out a whimpery moan, before a few moments later, you cum all over him in you.

“That’s my beautiful girl.”

[icyhotuntilidie]

I feel so called out