idkthisbemyjournal

[idkthisbemyjournal]

Of course you return when I meet someone else. You couldn’t have come back sooner? This other man… has me questioning everything. I dropped everyone for you, but I want to hang on to him… I don’t know what to do. I’m scared you’ll leave me again. But will you return if I’m the one who leaves this time?

[idkthisbemyjournal]

He returns

Out of the blue

Nonchalant, stealthy

Slipping back into my life

As if he had never even left

Making his home in my heart

[idkthisbemyjournal]

I hope you realize what you lost.

[idkthisbemyjournal]

Wondering

Why couldn’t he just be honest?

Why did he give me false hope?

Was it cowardice or kindness?

Was it shame or ignorance?

When did he stop caring?

Was there someone else?

Will I ever see him again?

[idkthisbemyjournal]

Just another fucking man that made me get close to him, only to use me and discard me when he’s gotten what he’s wanted.

[idkthisbemyjournal]

Every night I dream of falling in love.

Always a different person.

A stranger who I could know.

I wake with the feeling of loss daily.

Breaking my heart as if truer than reality.

What is my subconscious trying to tell me?

[idkthisbemyjournal]

No one to speak to.

To open up to.

They all have their own problems anyways.

Mine are too much to share, too heavy to carry.

I can’t put that on them.

So I’ll carry my burdens myself,

until I can no longer stand.

[idkthisbemyjournal]

She didn’t hit me

But she did everything else

Broke everything else inside me

[idkthisbemyjournal]

I can’t ever do enough

I’ll never be enough

Not for anyone

Especially myself

[idkthisbemyjournal]

[idkthisbemyjournal]

I wish I had the words to describe

The desolate ache my birthday brings

Not a soul that matters cares

And not a single effort was given

All the “happy birthdays” in the world

Doesn’t change a thing

If nobody wants

To be here for me

[idkthisbemyjournal]

Nobody cares about me

the way that I care about them.

[idkthisbemyjournal]

I don’t know how to feel.

I wasn’t in the mood.

I was sad.

I told him.

He proceeds to touch himself.

I’m laying there awkwardly.

He kisses me.

And touches me.

An overwhelming wave of nausea overcame me.

I wanted to get away.

But I couldn’t hurt his feelings.

Something was wrong, he could tell.

But I lied.

Played it off.

Cried about the wrong thing.

And went on our merry way.

Like nothing catastrophic occurred inside my mind that night.

[idkthisbemyjournal]

It’s officially been over a year of no sex/no boyfriend and honestly I can’t say I miss either.

I really can’t remember why I was such a horndog back then or why I always wanted a boyfriend.

It just feels like the ends don’t justify the means now. Nobody ever puts in the same effort I do.

[idkthisbemyjournal]

[idkthisbemyjournal]

I haven’t had a decent nights sleep in over 7 months and tonight it’s finally wearing on me hard. I wish I could have a break. Just for 24 hours. To do whatever I want. To pretend my life hasn’t completely changed.

Shit, I’d be content with a single night to sleep as much as I needed without having to wake up.

[idkthisbemyjournal]

Motherhood is finally beginning to feel difficult…

I mean, it’s always been a challenge.

But I’m feeling the weight of it all now.