idontex1ist

[idontex1ist]

Me duele el pecho, me duele mucho

[idontex1ist]

[idontex1ist]

BRO IM SO FUCKING YRIGGERED RN LIKE WDYM IVE BEEN BLOCKED BY TWO PEOPLE?!!!!!! AND BOTH MEN?!!! AND ONE OF THEM IS CHATTING SHIT THAT MAKES NO SENSE AMD TTHEN HE HAD THE LAST WORS AND HE PROBABLY THINKS HE DID SOMETHING

I’m not going to let this bring flashbacks, I’m not going to fight, let people be.

[idontex1ist]

Me siento fatal, no entiendo para nada pq me ha bloqueado si yo no le he hecho nada

[idontex1ist]

🩷✨

[idontex1ist]

[idontex1ist]

I know I’m sick, when all I crave is the attention of unattainable men. I want someone so smart, so handsome, so hot, so nonchalant to give me their attention. I feel so special knowing a man like that is willing to spend time with me

[idontex1ist]

I guess the fact I’m here again at all says everything that needs to be said

I feel sad, dont really know how to express myself.

Expectations, am I not worth it?, I just want clarity, he kissed me so softly before I just don’t understand, serves me right, deep emotional pain, likely getting my period soon so we will just blame it. Not only that, but I will be on my period when I see him, I think I might cancel and give up. No point, he hasn’t messaged, I’m in pain.

I’ve just felt so overwhelmed w work these past few days, and now I’m off for very long and I don’t know how I feel. I act tough but it pains me

[idontex1ist]

Something I’d like to paint

[idontex1ist]

Yesterday I was properly spanked for pleasure reasons for the first time in my life. It was insane. He was doing it so hard I never knew it could be this painful, it felt absolutely amazing. Is amazing to confirm something you fantasize about is also something you like in practise.

I was also chocked so harshly I am certain I will have bruises on my neck. And my ass looks insane with pools of blood, and the bruises have not yet fully developed - only a few.

Worth noting that getting violently spanked while being choked so fucking hard I gag has been one of the best, if not the best, sexual experience I’ve ever had in my life.

[idontex1ist]

Estaba preparada para dormir hace 4 horas, no lo hice. Ahora es tarde, me duele la garganta, no tengo sueño, quiero amor, existential dread y quiero escribir cosas q no quiero escribir

[idontex1ist]

The ways she fucked me up, but my strength to choose forgiving everyday and maintain cordiality… I am the strongest person I know sometimes

[idontex1ist]

What is the secret recipe to find nerdy guys fr only muscle rizz daddy’s and disgusting ppl on my dms

[idontex1ist]

[idontex1ist]

Life is so confusing.

My whole life all I ever wanted was to be left alone. My favourite place was the shower and the toilet because it was the only place where no one bothered you, no one had expectations or went looking for you (most times).

I’m just now realising how desperate I was for solitude, leaving the country just to stop the constant stream of trouble and problems and pain that other people involved me on.

Then I spent years alone, isolated from the people I love and bathing in my own madness. But I always was anxious towards love, I always wanted more.

But in truth I just wanted to be left alone. I looked for love in places I knew I couldn’t find it, and I thought I had changed but I’m still the same person.

I crave the love of someone that doesn’t want me just because I know I can express my mad emotions without worrying that someone will have expectations on me.

Like is so clear now, but it is so confusing. I want love so so so badly, I want to be consumed by something so intense so badly. But my subconscious only allows me to feel things for people that I can’t have, in an effort to keep me alone.

So the question here is: what do I want?

I can’t answer it.

I think I want someone there when I need them, but I want no expectations on me. Or maybe that’s why I want to submit to someone, so my desires are no longer important?

What the fuck do I want???? Why is my subconscious not communication with me??? Why has my fucking desires always been hidden???? Can I not be free to know myself? Haven’t I have endured enough to have some sense of self? Haven’t I paid taxes on things a person my age should not?

Still to this fucking day, I fail to understand how life gave me so little and took even more. Always being the odd one. I still don’t understand where I fit???

I’m too much of a victim for normal people who complain about the stupidest stuff, but victims like be live in a circle of victimisation that don’t allow them to take control of their lifes. I don’t belong to anything, but do I even want to belong?

My whole life is a contradiction, I’m too much of everything and too little of everything.

Either way, I will trust my path because that has been the only thing that has helped me see the light. Trusting that I can’t change the future, because if it doesn’t exist I just can’t change it. It will be what it will be. I am who I am. I will die someday and it will all just be a confused memory.

Moments like these feel surreal. My eyes watery but don’t cry, goosebumps from feelings emotions that feel invented…

Whatever, I write this so I don’t forget.

[idontex1ist]

I hate being vain and I wish I wasn’t, but I am

[idontex1ist]