if-ifs-existed

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Alanis Morissette, Sorry to Myself/Haruki Murakami,1084

[if-ifs-existed]

“she realised that’s what she was. A black hole. A dying star, collapsing in on itself.”

Matt Haig, The Midnight Library

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by Jeremy Thomas

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Evelyn Waugh, from Brideshead Revisited (1945)

[if-ifs-existed]

Sometimes, I cry so hard I can feel it in my ribs. / I feel like the real me is backed into a corner inside me

— Ama Asantewa Diaka, from "Saturday Evening WhatsApp Message," Woman, Eat Me Whole

[if-ifs-existed]

Dulce María Loynaz, from These Are Not Sweet Girls: Poetry by Latin American Women; "Time"

[Text ID: "To be as the river / fugitive and eternal: / To go, to arrive, to flow / and always be a river, fresh..."]

[if-ifs-existed]

maybe life is all about waking up every day and trying to learn how to appreciate the beauty of the world without allowing the ugliness of everything that has happened to me in the past to interfere with it

[if-ifs-existed]

“It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. And look at you now, it's happening.”

[if-ifs-existed]

Rebecca Perry, Beauty/Beauty; from 'Kintsugi 金継ぎ'

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mary oliver, “the moths” (excerpt) 

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Amy Hempel, "Cloudland", Sing to It

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The saddest part about life is not that we once met

But it's having met, and had

Then hurriedly losing you, leaving a scar in my heart

[if-ifs-existed]

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“It was like when you make a move in chess and just as you take your finger off the piece, you see the mistake you’ve made, and there’s this panic because you don’t know yet the scale of disaster you’ve left yourself open to.”

— Kazuo Ishiguro, Never Let Me Go

[if-ifs-existed]

I hate it. I hate it when I think too much. Scrutinise into every tiny detail or change of behavior. I hate it when I compare me to them. I hate when my insecurities act up or is it my anxiety? At this point I no longer know which triggers which. I hate that too. But I also know that there is so much more to me, so much more OF me. It's just that times like these, days like these.. all I see is the façade falling apart and all the demons escaping.

I guess, I hate me