if-we-were-chickens - Tumblr blog

[if-we-were-chickens]

Your Daily Fortune

Your Amazon package will be sent to the wrong address, and the recipient will use your new Peanut Butter and Jelly of the Month Club order in a way that you had not intended.

It is best if you do not know the details.

[if-we-were-chickens]

Your Daily Fortune

You will quit your job, move to the Philippines, and join a cult in which the people worship the ghost of Billy Mays.

[if-we-were-chickens]

Your Daily Fortune

You will get a DNA test because you think you were adopted.

You're not.

I'm so sorry.

[if-we-were-chickens]

Fun Fact

I am reminded at least once a day that I am surrounded by idiots.

[if-we-were-chickens]

Your Daily Fortune

You will become clinically allergic to bullsh*t.

[if-we-were-chickens]

Your Daily Fortune

You will be shocked to discover that you have an evil twin, because you keep getting blamed for their shenanigans. Ultimately you will go to jail, unless of course, you get a nose job.

[if-we-were-chickens]

List of *Dickey's Most Notable Transgressions

1. He cheated on my grandmother. His mistress gave birth to their son only a couple months after my aunt was born.

2. He wouldn't pay child support. Not even after he was thrown in jail on charges.

3. He had men try to harass/scare my grandmother out of her own home. It did not work.

4. He tried to lure my uncle into a parking lot so a bunch of *Dickey's friends could beat him up. Almost worked--my uncle had confronted him over how he was treating my grandmother. *Dickey said, "Let's fight," my uncle said "When and where?", and *Dickey proceeded to gather a handful of idiots because he can't win without cheating. He is the King Idiot.

5. He has cheated several people--including my father and his own brother-in-law--out of money. He has also befriended a rich old guy so that he can get written into the will.

6. He wouldn't take his own daughter to the doctor after she got diagnosed with a vision-threatening eye disease--because he needed to make hay. I'm sure his horse would have understood.

7. He is a genuinely compulsive liar. Seriously. He lies about other people right in front of them as though they can't call him out. Which they do. He legit believes his own lies.

8. He does not know what all I know. I can have fun with this. 😁

[if-we-were-chickens]

Nothing to add. It's perfect.

Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad, and philosophy is wondering if ketchup is a smoothie.

[if-we-were-chickens]

A portrait of me waiting for folks to get vaccinated.

Mia Bergeron

[if-we-were-chickens]

So I'm still trying to process the loss of my grandfather and aunt.

He was literally the sweetest man on the plant, and she was the one relative on my dad's side of the family who was willing to swear so liberally. My aunt called everybody "asshole" and "p*cker head" and "little sh*t", and honestly, if 2 people had to die, why did it have to be 2 people I actually liked?

Now if there really is a superior being who controls these things, I could've given them the names of people who are much more suited for Death. Seriously. I'd go out of my way to write up a whole list full of names, I'm so obliging. I'd even list some people twice, just because I couldn't recommend them highly enough.

But here we are. Short 1 *John and 1 *Jane. Somebody once said--and I just can't remember who--that "Dying Is easy. It's living that's hard."

Us poor survivors. I feel so sorry for us. Stuck on this planet of rapists and killers and door-to-door vacuum salesman, with our buffer for such atrociousness that much smaller.

Nothing is fair.

[if-we-were-chickens]

Your Daily Fortune

You will finally break down and call your annoying co-worker every expletive imaginable. Then get a promotion, because your boss can't stand them, either.

[if-we-were-chickens]

This is what I'd like to think the inside of my brain looks like, but tbh it's probably more like a disorganized pile of post it notes.

The Royal Portuguese Reading Room, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

Photo by Sr. Santos Sra. Palmas

[if-we-were-chickens]

Your Daily Fortune

You will bring home a stray cat, name him Elmer, and start a podcast in which the two of you discuss homemade pasta.

You will have no subscribers.

[if-we-were-chickens]

My brother says that *Dickey is most likely to die by mob-with-pitchforks. He is joking, but not really.

[if-we-were-chickens]

Your Daily Fortune

If you see a penny, DON'T pick it up--you'll get mad cow disease.

[if-we-were-chickens]

BREAKING NEWS

My spider plant that got a bad case of root rot 2 months ago just might survive!

It had lost 3 quarters of its leaves and an entire stalk, but today, TODAY, I saw a

teeny tiny

green sprout poking out of it. This might be a fluke, I concur, but after all my bad luck this year...

Please just let me have this 1 little thing.

[if-we-were-chickens]

Your Daily Fortune

You will come up with a revolutionary invention, but the idea will be stolen by your no-good-neighbor because you didn't have it copyrighted.

Dumbass.