ifonlyihadknown

[ifonlyihadknown]

I've made many mistakes

But the worst is what I did to you

Pushing you away when

All I wanted was to hold you

You left before I realized

That you'd be gone forever

Now I'm haunted by your ghost

And this connection I could never sever

Regret is strong and guilt more so

It's something I'll never get over

I caused this hurt, deserve this pain

I've given up on getting closure.

I hope somewhere you're happy now

You don't care, and it's my own damned fault

I wish I found a golden key

To lock up these feelings in a vault.

I miss you more than words can say

I wish we had just one more day

I'd say the words I never said

But would it even matter?

My fate is well deserved

My soul remains in tatters

I love you now, I loved you then

I'll love you 'til the world doth end

But that's on me, not on you

I'm sorry, so sorry, that I still love you.

[ifonlyihadknown]

Promise me, promise me,

Since I can't have you now,

That we'll find each other

Next lifetime, somehow.

If I can't have you in this life,

The next will have to do.

I'll promise, next time to say

I love you.

[ifonlyihadknown]

My skin feels tight

And nothing seems right

Everything still reminds me of you

I feel a bit insane

What's wrong with my brain

I hope and wish for love that is true

But if you'd loved me then

I wouldn't think of when

We had a chance and I threw it away

Yet even if I saw you now

I still know I wouldn't know how

To say the words I've always wanted to say

[ifonlyihadknown]

There was a string that led me back to you,

I cut it, but I never meant to.

Now I'm here and you are not.

A small regret that cost a lot:

It cost my heart and a life I'll never know.

Now I miss you so much, but I reap what I sow.

A third chance is too much for the universe to give,

Instead I suffer without you, in this life I have to live...

[ifonlyihadknown]

It is you,

It's always been you.

But we left it too late,

And now another claims the space.

The space has always been yours.

But I gave it away because

You chose not to lay claim.

I lie to myself as I always have done

Because your space, in my heart,

Will always be there,

Hidden away deep inside.

Something for me to remember;

Something for me to break

Over and over and over.

Because it is where you belong

And yet someplace you can never be.

There will never be closure there,

No lines of gold to fill the cracks;

Cracks we both made

So easily, too easily.

Tell me were you afraid?

Afraid of our youth, of our potential?

Afraid of getting too close?

Afraid of the loss we endured anyway?

Do you think of me? Often? Ever?

Did this connection leave a small part of you

Unhealed, forever lost, not whole?

Just a small piece that means nothing else

Nothing else, will ever be exactly right?

But we go on living, because we must.

There is something profound in its innocence,

Something so deep in this loss;

Something never forgotten,

Always a wrong heartbeat away.

But also old and muted

Like the sea, after a storm:

Dark but calming, restless but settled.

You should be here, by my side.

And sometimes it feels like you are.

And sometimes I don't think about it,

And sometimes it overwhelms me in its power.

And sometimes, in my dreams

I can call you my own.

And sometimes,

Sometimes,

It's enough.

[ifonlyihadknown]

[ifonlyihadknown]

Regrets aren’t always popular Love doesn’t always end I’m torn in two I want to be the me i am now And the me I’d be if i were with you How hard it is to move beyond Wondering what might have been Am i unhappy because of mistakes I made Or has my unhappiness made me Long for a fiction that might not be better I long to escape to the universe where I took a different path But so often i have to remind myself Your present is not your past.

[ifonlyihadknown]

You are slowly killing me. Your spirit haunts me. I need you I miss you I hate you, so much For leaving For not chasing me For everything And yet You are my forever The love of my life My always. Tearing my heart in two Broken shards all around I miss your friendship What did i do wrong? Whatever it was It’s my only regret…

[ifonlyihadknown]

I have to let you go now. I don't know if i can. You were the one mistake I never made, The regrets that make me human. I too often wonder, Just what might have been. But i can't have you now, Just like i couldn't have you then. I needed to see your face so much My heart was tearing in two, But i have to let you go now, Even if i can't stop dreaming of you.

[ifonlyihadknown]

Regrets are like wishes We make about the past. And I wonder why do we torture ourselves With “if only” and “what if” When it hurts so much. But I also wonder what we would feel If we never looked back? Maybe the bible was right, Looking back turns you into a pillar of salt Because of all the tears you cry Wondering and wishing.

[ifonlyihadknown]

What's it's like, I wonder, In the universe where You loved me. Maybe I lost you? And so the easiest thing Was to lose you Before you were ever mine. Maybe one day we'll Find each other in this universe And I'll know why You couldn't stay And i couldn't say The words written on our hearts. For now, I'll deal with the scars.

[ifonlyihadknown]

When I think back to when I was young, I think of every mistake I made And the good parts fall away quickly. I wish I could go back And fix the big mistakes. I wonder how my life would be, If I'd made different mistakes But the first thing I'd change Is the whisper in my ear That made me think And dream and hope. Because it haunts me And I'd rather not have known.

[ifonlyihadknown]

How do you still hold this Power over me? I've not laid eyes on you For so long Still you haunt my dreams With things that can Never be And a kiss that never was

[ifonlyihadknown]

I wish I had said, When we talked about it, The truth and not Comforting lies. I always tried to fit, Where I knew I wouldn’t belong. I wanted you so badly To make the first move. But it never was right. I regret all the mistakes, but If I could go back The only thing I’d change Is the words I couldn’t say. Instead of saying “I want to go with all my friends," I’d simply say: “I want to go with you.”

[ifonlyihadknown]

If Only I had told you How I felt back then. If only I had gone back To where I knew you’d been. If only I had known you felt The way I felt about you. Then maybe I’d not regret Never saying “I love you.”