ifyouwonder

[ifyouwonder]

July 5th 2017

Wednesday 7:21pm

Alright alright I got a lot to say. First off I wanna say what’s up future Gene. How’s like over there being 26 and all. So I am speaking specifically to 26 year old Gene because I am making goals. And I mean GOALS. I got two years. I can do it. First off, here are things that you need to remember

1.) don’t you ever compare yourself to another individual

- you are beautiful the way you are created and you are the only Gene in this world that’s Gene. Everybody is beautiful in their own way and that should be always appreciated. RESPECT EVERYBODYS HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

2.) LAUGH

- you need to really chillax sometimes because you get way to serious (serious is cool on certain occasions) but life comes at you once. SO LAUGH. Make your heart laugh. Don’t fake laugh. Make that shit laugh till you cry of happy tears. Yes. That’s another goal. More happy tears. More tears of joy. Laugh more.

3.) boys drool

- Gene, I hope that at this time (26 year old) you do not have a boyfriend. I repeat. Don’t have a relationship. Work on yourself first. You are the most important person. Figure it all out first before you bring someone in your life. Or at least have that readiness of fully committing and ready to accept another world into your world. Relationship is no joke. That’s a REAL thing. So treat it like one. Be real. Be genuine.

4.) who cares about what people say

- people will say things. They will endlessly roll their eyes at the things you do. They will judge and judge and judge. Well guess what. They’re using their time creating scenarios in their head when they could be creating shit for themselves. Be flattered by these people giving you their time. Even tho it’s negative energy. They’re giving you their damn time…to hate. I know funny shit right? But hey. Life isn’t perfect and people will have things to say. Now on your side though, just cruise through life like their little flies flying around your food and you got this whole feast around you about to fuck shit up. Stay hungry. Eat good food. And stay full. ya feel me?

5.) LOVE YOURSELF

- that’s the key. Don’t even have to explain it. Just feel it. Grow with it. Love more.

Bye! - from 24 year old Genie baby ^_^

[ifyouwonder]

June 6th 2017 Tuesday

9:17pm

For you.

I’m broken My heart is torn I can’t feel happy right now You don’t deserve me I gave you all of me I gave you too much of me I forgot who I was I forgot to smile I forgot to laugh I forgot how to be happy I gave you way too much of me And you didn’t see it You didn’t appreciate it You took it as if taking away from your life and your priorities You pushed me to the side and I was okay with it I was okay with all of that I was okay feeling okay enough And that’s not right Because I gave all of me If only you gave all of you If only you were all in I shouldn’t have believed you But I gave all of me anyways Because I believed And I gave and I gave Until I had nothing else I felt like trash I felt dead You don’t deserve me

And you will never have me

[ifyouwonder]

Hey Gene, So this day was sometime afternoon around 6pm in Los Angeles CA. Somewhere near downtown. Terry Wayne. That's the homie right there painting while I relax on that couch nahmsayinnnn. Behind the lens is my good homie Chris. Or Honolulu Chris. Aloha. And it was a dope day. Chilled. Played with madonna. Smoked some kush. Had good vibes. Very artsy day. Just how I like it. This was on June 4th, 2017.

[ifyouwonder]

May 21, 2017 sunday

6:25pm So on Friday I went out in downtown LA for this cool event. Crazy thing happened. It's still sits in my heart till this day. It's been a couple days since I've witnessed it but it just makes my heart drop... So I was walking back to my car to grab my debit card. I cross the street and I stop by the stop sign and look to my left to check for cars. First few seconds I didn't seem to see a car, then few seconds after I noticed a car without headlights on. So I stopped and waited thinking "man that car is stupid they need to turn their lights on" few seconds following after, the driver flickers it's headlights. I guess that's to warn me? Troll on me? Idk. At that moment I was pretty scared because that's such a random thing to do. Why not just turn it on? So as that happens I prepare myself if I have to run for my life. Then the car comes down the street super fast and I can hear a scream. Loud screams. I think to myself? Ok someone is really trying to troll on me on a Saturday night, wild kids. Then when the Prius was finally in front of me. I saw it. I saw everything. A couple was fighting. The girl was screaming for help as her boyfriend puts his hands over her mouth trying to get her to stop begging for help. She is screaming crying for her life. The car screeches and drives off really fast. She's screaming "help help me someone pls help me" I was in complete shock. The first thing that ran to my mind was. Plate number. Remember it. I tried. I really tried. I couldn't save her. My heart dropped and it immediately reminded me of what happened to me last year. June 4th 2016 It was a normal day with my boyfriend at the time. His name is Toka (I've never mentioned a boyfriends name on this diary of mine, but this name needs to be put out there) actually his real name is Andrew Barnes. From Victorville California. It was a normal day. I remember it so clearly. I went to his apartment and I was there for a video shoot. It was a full day of shooting for one of his friends. Fast forward to night time. They shoot my scene in an alleyway at fairfax and things were great. Right when the director said cut and done. Toka immediately came to me and said "let's go. Let's go home" and I said okay let's go he's a little angry again. I was expecting another argument and him getting mad about something that he assumes I'm doing. I get in my car and he drives my car for me. We're going down the side streets going back to downtown LA. And then it happened. Everything happened so fast. He has my phone, tells me I'm a slut, yells at me, laughs hysterically, and threatens to throw my phone out the window. I beg him to not throw it because my mom just bought me that phone and I've been wanting that phone for a couple years now. I say "please please don't throw it please" and he throws it. I am hurt I feel disrespected I wanted to get out of the car. Then he yells at me again telling me I'm a cheater and I'm a slut. I try to defend myself, and as soon as I started talking he spits on my face. He spits on my face more than ten times. I'm drenched in spit. And he shoves my face on my car window. He hits me and keeps shoving my head. Saying slut fuck you and I hope you fucking die I am going to fucking kill you. I am in shock. Scared for my life. At that moment, I accepted it. Death. I know I was dead. I told myself, I'm dead and I'm going to die this way....he's going to crash the car and I'm dead. My life is done and this is my death. We get to downtown he runs all the red lights yelling "this is my fucking city" laughs like a demon and spits on me again. Over and over and over again. He stops the car next to his apartment located in the back so no one sees us. I see an opportunity to run away from this monster. He grabs my keys and I grab my keys for my life. I am bruised up and all I can think of was. No not my keys. I need my keys. I fight for my keys and then a person was walking her dog. She looked frightened. She walked away. And at that moment I realized. I had to fight for my life. I crawled out of my car yelling "please someone help me. Help me please" and never in my entire life I ever thought I'd ever scream those words. Never in my life. Never in a million years I ever thought I'd be abused by my boyfriend. I never thought. Ever. I felt so scared. When I saw that girl. In that Prius. Yelling for her life. I cried. I cried because I was her. I cried because I knew exactly how she felt. I cried because I didn't do shit. I couldn't. I couldn't fucking get the license plate number I didn't do shit to help her. I hope she is okay today. I hope that what I saw wasn't what I really saw. I hope and wish that they were really just trolling. I hope she is still alive. And I hope that she lives a great fucking life without that trashy disgusting human being.

[ifyouwonder]

May 13, 2017

8:12pm Hey, I'm back again with another rant. Sitting in bed right now thinking about my future. Me and my boyfriend recently broke up. I just want to say something to my future self about this. Respect yourself, you're a growing woman and it's okay to be emotionally imbalance sometimes. Don't let someone ever tell you that you're not good enough as a person because you're an amazing person. You're growing and it's okay. You're angry about something? No problem, you got yourself and no one else will be there for you but you. You can't expect people to understand yourself because in all honesty no one will ever understand you. You got you and that's all you ever need. Don't compromise your happiness and stop caring about people too much. Start caring about yourself. You've done so much already and if that's not enough then fuck it. It's ok. Life is beautiful and so are you. Someone will respect you and see you as the most beautiful person inside and out. I'm not saying go out and search. Just keep being you and whenever you're ready (and I don't say that lightly) when you're REALLY READY. Then you'll meet that person. Just make sure that you are fully happy with yourself. People get cruel as relationships further and that's the shitty part of a lot of my relationships. It's ok tho, that's what will make you a better lover for the right person. You keep making those mistakes because you have a lot of love to share in the future. For now, give all of that love to the most important person, which is yourself Gene. I love you. Love, 23 year old Gene.

[ifyouwonder]

April 19, 2017

7:27 pm

Life is good. I know it’s been pretty shitty but it’s been shittier before. I’m a lot more positive now. You’re doing well Gene. You haven’t been going insane, you���ve been holding back your tongue, you’ve been breathing, you’ve been re assessing situations, you’ve been trying to understand things, and you’ve been aiming for balance everyday. Yes it’s hard but you’re doing it, you’re trying. How do you feel today? You feel different, confused, but you know it’s in a good way. I know that this will take me to where I want to feel everyday. Happiness. My own. I’m happy. I’m happy because of me. The most important thing. You really have got to stop crying out of nowhere. Maybe that’s what happens when you try to balance your emotions. Tears come out for no reason because I’m so overwhelmed. Hopefully what I’m doing is helping me day by day.

Quick question. Gene, you’re 26 now. So that would make it 2019. Reading this entry. How do you feel about it? How are you now? Have you been crying lately? Did anyone disrespect you? Do you respect yourself? Have you found your true happiness? Do you still scream when your mad? How’s your emotions? I hope that you’re a well better Gene in that year than the Gene here in 2017. I mean I’m okay but not completely. And that’s affected quite a few important things in my life. Important things I want to keep happy, important things that make me feel like everything will be ok. I’d love for those things to be in my life but I push it away because I’m so emotional. Pretty much you’re a little crazy. Or am I? Idk. But I hope that when you read this you are that Gene I have been always wanting to be. Balanced and strong. And if things aren’t as going well enough right now for you then play some music. Put on some Christmas music or jazz on pandora. That always seems to cheer you up. Or get up and go out. Call somebody right now. Ask them what’s going on tonight and have fun. Dress up, look nice, put on your favorite clothes, and go be a part of something social, now if you don’t feel like socializing then let’s start with a nice shower? That should help you decide and maybe freshen up a bit. Please do me a huge favor Gene and love yourself. Shit, if no one can love you on this earth. You can love yourself. Why are you worried about someone else to give you love when you’re the only person in this entire universe that know how to love you? YOU know how to love yourself, so do it. YOU know yourself so damn well, so do it. And YOU know how hard it is to handle you, so do it. Be good to your soul and love every single part of yourself. It’s not your fault all the time, you’re more than enough, you are beautiful, you’re amazing, you are one of a kind, you’re awesome as fuck, and you are Gene: HAPPY GENE.

[ifyouwonder]

April 8th, 2016

Friday,

10:00pm

Sitting on my bed, Yiruma station on pandora is playing, and as always things are running in and out of my mind. I failed a class. My very first failed class in college. I know. Ouch. Earlier today I was so torn after reading the email I reviewed from my financial advisor. She says I have to pay over $700 out of the pocket in order for me to continue onto the summer quarter. First thing that ran through my head was “how the fck am I going to get that much money?!” I was stressing out and frantically looking for solutions. All day I was torn and I was miserable. My dream, Fidm, was totally thrown down the gutter. And then I realized, I’m grown up. Things happen, things change, problems come, problems go, and it’s really how you react to every situation wether it is bad or good. In my case, it was the most disastrous news I could have ever gotten. I am learning. This is my lesson. I am growing. I will grow from this situation. I will accept this bump on my path and I will create a positive journey to reach my goal. I will not let this small fixable problem ruin me. I shall stay balanced and grounded. I will trust myself, I will push myself, I will overcome this. Now that I have prepared my mind, I am ready to apply the action. I need this to find myself. Every problem I encounter and solve is another self discovery gained. I am slowly finding myself and it mostly happens to be in my lowest points. But I am ok with that because my whole life, I dreaded my lowest points and I never accepted it. Now I am starting to realize that my lowest points are the ones that lead me to myself. I will continue to grow from my problems.

[ifyouwonder]

April 3, 2016

Sunday, 10:02am

Hey, wow I’m really on a roll here right now. Three posts in one year! I’ve never needed this online diary so much until last night. There is so much in my mind and there is so much I feel in my heart. I am so inspired yet I am angry. I am so happy yet I am so sad. There are a lot of emotions I can’t explain but I know one thing is that I am so inspired right now. I want to create. I want to create something that makes me happy and will mark the day that I finally let go of all the unnecessary pollution that was destroying my art and my path towards my goals. I want to create music that will be my forever. I want to be happy today. I need to accept that everybody has their own path. I need to accept my own path. There will be no growth if I am always comparing myself to others and feel like I have done nothing. Acceptance has always been so difficult for me to understand within myself, but starting today I will continue on my own path and fight for my dreams. Not even my family, friends, whoever can stop me. I will do things through happiness and good. I will be somebody and I will do great things. I want to make an impact on this earth and I will not stop until I’ve made my mark. So today, I woke up and realized that no one really has me like I do. At the end of the day it is me against the world and no one else will ever have me back like I do. So please gene, be good to yourself, be patient, be tolerant, be positive, aim high, and do good things. So with that being said and just for my own self peace, I’ve decided to delete all the numbers on my phone that I will not be needing. I want to get away from the world and strictly focus on my creation. If my “friends” really want to be a part of my life it will happen. I guess I’m just going off of what happened yesterday but I’m glad whatever happened, happened. I finally realized that even your closest friends can be the ones responsible for your downfall. I was very destroyed. I have never felt so down in my life and yesterday changed my perspective. I am me and I accept myself. Gene, don’t ever let anybody destroy you with their words. Let those negative words reciprocate into a positive creation, let it go through your mind and allow your mind to grow, negative words hurt but it is how you react to it and your perception of good and evil, grow from it all. Grow from all the negativity. Just keep growing into the person you’ve always wanted to be. Give positive energy, always.

[ifyouwonder]

April 2, 2016

Saturday, 11:55pm.

Hey. So there is a lot on my mind right now. I feel like I’m going through a mid life crisis at 22. I feel so lost, disappointed, angry, depressed, and confused. There’s so many things I want to accomplish but I feel like I have been so inconsistent with my work. Every single time I try to start or finish anything, I always just get frustrated and fully give up. It hurts me. I hate that feeling. I want it so bad that I’m letting it take over my mind in a negative way. I’ve been trying to go away from that negativity but I keep falling right back…what is wrong with me? My life is so good right now. I have an amazing boyfriend who will bend his back over and beyond to make me happy and push me to be a successful person. Why am I so negative? Why am I doing this to myself? I’m confused. How do I feel right now? Relieved. Had a good talk with my boyfriend and definitely eased my problems. Well okay, starting right now everything that has eaten me up negatively will be left in the past. Tomorrow I will make music successfully and make music happily and I will be normal happy gene again. I need to grow up and get my mind on a stable happy/positive mindset and do what I love. Simple as that. I have been so negative and down for over two months now because I am letting my negative emotions take over me. I get it, there are many things that I hate in my life but if I really want to make things happen I have got to be bigger than my problems. If I can overcome the past 22 years of my life and have overcome all the bullshit and problems that have destroyed me, I can move forward and do my shit starting today. Gene, you are amazing. Nobody else can stop yourself but yourself. Do what you love, make what you love, live what you love, do it for you. Be happy and make music!!!

[ifyouwonder]

March 20,2016

Sunday 10:00pm

Well, I’m back. And this time I’m posting a lot earlier and I’m actually typing on my laptop. Didn’t really intend to write on here tonight but since I’ve ended up here, then why not. A lot has changed since January and a lot has changed wihtin myself as well. First I’m going start about what I have accomplished.

1. Booked another DJ gig at The Feels! It was so freakin’ amaaaaazing.

2. I have finally learned to save money and I’m doing pretty well with balancing my finances (trying to be consistent)

3. Lastly, I’ve recorded my own song! (v excited about that)

Alright, going off to the last accomplishment on that list; I want to make music. I know I have been struggling for a while on what I really want to be and what I really want to put my energy into for the rest of my life, well I’ve figure it out. I want to make music. I want to be an artist. I want to travel the world, share my talent, make music, make something that makes me happy, And that is the ultimate goal; happiness. I will do things through happiness. Pure, positive, genuine happiness. I have gone through ups and downs with myself and I have never been so happy with music. I just realized it has been my life and it’s what push me through all the tough times that I've been going through. My brain is currently on idle at the moment and I am running out of things to write about tonight but all I know is that happiness is the goal. It is the center of my dreams, it is the goal I am trying to reach, and it is what I stand for till the day I die. Hopefully, future Gene, if you’re reading this you are happy right now. I know times are tough sometimes and it gets a little too crazy in that little head of yours, but please remember your goal in life. No matter what people say, what they do, what they don’t do, all that matters is that you are working towards your goals. You are doing things through happiness.Be happy! Disregard all the bullshit, disregard all the noise, disregard all the hate. Love always, love yourself, love earth, love people, love your craft, love period.  

[ifyouwonder]

Jan 7th, 2016

Thursday, 4:52 am.

Well shit, hey there. Man it has been a while. It’s a new year! Last time I’ve written something here I was v excited about FIDM. Well I have passed half a year into school and I’ve gone through lots of ups and downs (mostly downs) and have accomplished a lot and have also failed a lot of times. 2015 was my lowest year. It was, my existence was definitely tested (and I am not over-exaggerating there) and I don’t trust social media enough to post it here. Even if this has been successfully private for 6 years now. Well I know I usually write on here when I’m sad and need to let out my anger but as of now, I’m happy. Very very happy. I’m content with my life. Before I ramble on with that here are highlights of 2015 (I mean what the heck it’s the new year so might as well right?)

1. Stopped dancing for GRV 2. Finished my first year at FIDM (going to my second this year) 3. Left Dellos 4. Taught at Snowglobe (will never forget) 5. DJed my first event!! (Crazy, never thought to do that) 6. Figured out a huge part of who I was

That’s all I can remember right now. The rest of the year was a hardship battle. But it was definitely a great year. Anyways, I’m happy!! Never thought I’d be able to reach this emotional state ever. But I have and I’m so proud of myself and I’ve never been so in love with life and it’s wonders. For years and years I’ve been so depressed, angry, and filled with resentment towards a lot of things. Like self problems and family problems. It was such a tough battle for me but now in the year 2016 I can say that I’ve grown past that and I’m ready to tackle this whole entire year with patience, understanding, and happiness. I’m currently laying in bed listening to Yiruma! I know 17 year old Gene would smile at this right now if I read it, well even 26 year old Gene would probably be too! I love Yiruma and piano music and that’ll never change haha. Okay okay moving on, there’s a lot going on in my head. Like, what will I be in the next 5 years. Where will I be? What will I do, what will I accomplish, will I have a family, will I be traveling the world, will I do something amazing, will I change the world?! There’s so many questions for my future self. All I know is that from now on I want to be happy, make people happy, see the world, see different cultures, and find happiness in everything. In 5 years I’ll be 27. Shees that is old. My 27 year old self would probably laugh at me right now if I read that. But I’m 22 and that to me is old lol. I guess this blog is me talking to my 27 year old self.

So here are questions for myself in 5 years

- are you married? - do you have a boyfriend? - are you happy?! - how’s your career? Is it awesome?? - how’s mommy? And how’s mama? - did you buy your dream car?! - are you still dancing? - who’s your best friend??? - is your hair black or blonde? - do you live in your own house or apartment? - how’s Llysa? - how do you feel about yourself? - did you figure out more things about yourself? (You know what I’m talking about) - did you feel like you grew closer to your self? - what’s going on in the year 2021?! - is Kanye the president?

Wow so many questions but that’s me haha really curious and excited about my own life (shees) but yeah like I said I’m super happy. And I’m proud of who I am. I accept myself and I accept who I will become.

[ifyouwonder]

May 21st, 2015 (Thursday)

8:10pm

Wow. So much has changed since I’ve last posted here. Reading through this entire blog from when I first started, makes me laugh a little. I’ve been through quite a lot emotionally and I’ve been feeling uncertain about a lot of things. Well anyways, just decided to write something today because as obvious I have a lot on my mind right now, and when that happens I resort to this. Okay so just a little update, I go to FIDM now!!! Isn’t that insane?! I remember two years ago I was on my way to becoming a respiratory therapist. I really don’t regret getting my RT license because I feel like I’ve learned so much from that experience and help me find my passion in life. I’ve realized hardwork and also learned A LOT about myself. Still not fully there yet but I’m learning every single day. School just started and man…it’s probably as stressful as going to RT school. But it’s okay because I accept that and weirdly enjoy it haha. Well the main point why I’m here is because I’m a little lost, or a little scared…idk either one or even both. I just don’t know if I’m going to be good enough or I’m just scared that I’m not going to reach my goals. Every single day I push myself to my fullest limits to achieve everything I need to do to get closer to my dream. I have never wanted anything so bad in my life and I have never been so passionate about something that it’s slowly taking over my emotions. I really want this. I want to make it. I want to create something that will change my life and other peoples lives. I want to fckn inspire every single day of my life. I want to do what I love for the rest of my life. I’m finally here and I can’t believe it. I never thought that it was going to be this scary. I go to school and I’ve honestly never felt the true meaning of thankful and blessed till that very first day of school. I want to win so bad I want to be successful and I want to be the best in what I do. How am I going to do it? I don’t know. But all I know is that every single day I am working on my craft, wether it be drawing, creating, envisioning, planning, communicating, anything really. I have never looked at life like how I do now. Everything I see and encounter I analyze and I take in. I am so thankful and so happy. It’s really scary being in this situation because I feel like I’m going a little bitcrazy haha. But man this is what I’ve been wanting to do and I am just going to keep moving forward. I feel like I’m all over the place writing this, but then again that’s the whole point. Typing without stopping and just letting my words come out. I hope I can read this someday, in my office or in a plane traveling to Paris or wherever and tell myself “I fucking did it”

[ifyouwonder]

April 30th, 2014 (Wednesday)

Kind of weird. My last post was also on a Wednesday. Well anyways I just decided to write something down and let out a few things. I understand in life, you don't always get what you want. You won't always be happy. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to do the things I would like to do, but I don't. I have never doubted myself like this in my life. I feel so uncomfortable with myself, emotionally and physically. Sometimes I wonder to myself, how did I end up like this. Being in this current situation is horrible and I hate it. I can't seem to get past it and I just feel like complete shit. I feel like this constant battle with myself is endless and will never find a solution. For years I've been dealing with this and it has never been this bad. Yes, I'm unhappy. I don't have myself together and I always end up resorting to fun things to keep my priorities off my mind. It's a temporary fix but I know it's going to be a battle to reach for a permanent one. I know that I need to learn how to overcome this problem and also learn how to accept and love myself as a person. Emotionally I have been completely destroyed for years, but I need to stop letting that affect me. It's just hard when my mom reminds me of my stepdad everytime I see her get furious. I'm just so angry that opportunities were taken away from me and especially my life. My life was taken away from me. I guess I'm just trying to fill in the gaps that have been destroyed in the past and living my life like I should be. But the only problem is that this isn't the right time to do so.

[ifyouwonder]

January 9, 2014 (Wednesday)

Well that was weird. Typing down “2014” is definitely foreign to me, but anyways Happy New Year! First week of new year was exhausting but fun at the same time! I haven’t done anything significant the past week but I will soon. I’m just really excited and happy on what’s to come my way. Well I guess I’ll start jotting down some things I’ve accomplish so in a few months from now I can read this and relive this very moment. 2013 has been an exciting year for me, but it was more of a learning experience and I’m thankful for it. I’ve learned to become a better person, dancer, daughter, friend, and leader. Of course graduating was one of the biggest accomplishments that year and getting my registered license following after. Also, I was honored to be able to direct and choreograph for marvels which was such an unforgettable experience for me. Definitely struggled a lot since I was new to everything, but I’ve managed to learn and I’m beyond thankful for all the struggles that made me the person/leader I am today. Few months after that, I had the opportunity to become part of gravy babies board, GRV youth team, and I couldn’t be any happier. And that’s where I am at the moment. I’ve also gained some new friends and started up on reading again. I’m so glad that reading has finally made its way back to my life. It’s my stress reliever when my schedule turns hectic and my brain is in stress times ten. Dancing wise, well I’m always going to be forever thankful being on GRV and my journey on the team has been amazing. Oh and I’ve recently been invited to a project and I think they’re awesome. They’re called “Brotherhood” it’s a team that consist of talented all male dancers, but they’re currently creating an extended family which will be all girls. And I’m excited for that. Not only because it’s a fun project team, but because of what they stand for. Pretty exciting! Relationship wise? I’m single and definitely not ready to mingle. Why is that? Simple. I’m happy. I haven’t felt like this in a very long time. It kind of scares me a little because every guy that I think could be a potential boyfriend, I end up not liking anymore because I’m just so content of where I am and I don’t mean to be selfish, but I just don’t want to share it with anyone for now. I like my happiness by myself. It’s pretty cool. Well I’m just really excited this year because I’m finally turning 21!!! Kind of bittersweet because 21 means “adult” and that means more responsibilities. I mean not that I’m dependent, but it’s just something I’ve always feared for a few years now. Just the thought of being an adult and having all these responsibilities makes me cringe of fear. I know I’ll be able to get through this year without any trouble, yeah some positive thinking will be a big part of my life this year. And that’s another thing I’ve been doing; positive thinking. I wake up everyday telling myself “today’s gonna be a good day” and it slightly works on my worst days, but at least I’m giving myself some push, which I need sometimes. I guess my goal this year is to be organize, find a job in my field, maintain that job, pay for my own things (school loans, car, phone bill, insurance, etc), maintain my dance life, and maintain being single. Those are just a few things I’ve come up with on top of my head, I’m sure there’s quite a few more to add on my list but that’ll do for now. They all sound pretty do-able for me (again positive thinking) and I’m ready to take on those goals. I’m ready for 2014, as everyone says every year. But this year I really mean it. I’m ready.

[ifyouwonder]

December 13, 2013 (Friday)

3:07 AM

Wow it has been a while since I've written something here. Well life is definitely different from a couple of months ago. I'm single. And honestly, it has been the biggest eye opener this year. I never knew how happy I could be. I’ve lived my life to the extent in these past couple of months and it was freakin' amazing. I'm back again. I'm happy. I guess my last relationship didn't count for me because it didn't really mean much and it was just a long fling and intimate friendship. But nonetheless, I learned quite a few things - That is to never lower your standards no matter how nice a person can be - Never jump into a relationship because of pity. - Break it off when you're losing feelings and don't prolong the relationship because it'll hurt the other person. Definitely a mistake I made. I was way too nice that I've lowered my standards and I will never do that again. I know what I want and I know what I can get. I'm so excited for what's in store for me in the future and I'm so proud of myself. I finally feel free again and I feel like I'm worth something.

[ifyouwonder]

October 1st, 2013 (Tuesday)

2:16 AM

I’m never enough.

2:57 AM I just wish that there was someone there to really understand what I'm going through. Someone that'll be able to be there for me when I'm battling with myself. I honestly don't know what is going on with me. I feel so defeated and helpless. I just want to be happy, I just want to feel normal. I hate feeling like this. Pretending to be happy is making me even more depressed and I can only pretend for so long. I'm so tired. I'm tired of everyone around me. I'm never enough for my family and they always ask for more. I do one thing off their list and they seem to not notice my progress. They always seek for more things to complain about. I'm so emotionally drained I feel like a walking dead person. I never expected to feel like this and I definitely did not expect to turn out so depressed. Being angry was already enough for me to battle with, but adding this just makes me so tiresome. I'm exhausted and I've completely lost myself emotionally. I never really understood the concept of "losing myself" but I feel that I finally know and understand exactly how that feels. And it sucks. Everyday I'm slowly trying to cope and learn how to overcome the struggle that I have with myself, but it's really hard when a lot of stressful subjects overpower me. I'm so tired of crying and staring off space and feeling defeated. It's pretty embarrassing when I have to rely on another person for my happiness but that's all I have right now. I'm actually disappointed that I've put myself in that situation because I was never that way. I was genuinely happy, on my own. And I knew how to find happiness in myself...I knew that bringing myself in a relationship would make me vulnerable, but I did it anyways. I made those sacrifices and now I don't really know if it was the right decision. But regardless, things happen for a reason and I know that better things will come my way and this is just a little bump on the road that I will soon get over. Of course I'm still trying to be positive even if its only for a little bit, because some progress is better than no progress.