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I can’t today, today.

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12.11.20

Been a while. I don’t really feel like writing it all down but I do have quite a bit to sort through.

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It’s so hard to relinquish control. I just want things to make sense to me.

I love God, too, but I’m not trying to be around any and everyone in the middle of a pandemic. Faith without works is dead, and praying to stay safe in a pandemic doesn’t exempt you from social distancing.

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I feel like a receptacle.

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11.17.2020

I have SO MUCH to bitch about. Instead, I will express gratitude.

-I’m thankful that my memory is ok, better than it could be.

-I’m thankful that my current professor seems to be understanding so far and open to conversation.

-I’m thankful to my body for having the ability to move and lose weight (slowly, but surely).

-I’m thankful that my manager is providing opportunities for me to grow in my leadership skills.

-I’m thankful for good friends.

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funny pics

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11.8.20

I am happy to have witnessed history once again. Sad it’s taken so long, though.

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Dreamed about ex again. Unsure what brought him up this time. This dream was pretty -ahem- intimate. Even crazier, in the dream I was married to the other ex I’m not very fond of. (He liked to play mind games w/ me.) Real Hubby was nowhere to be found. I wonder why?

A part of the dream I remember besides the sex is that I was at a convenience store with ex, and other ex walks in like “oh there you are.” I introduce the two of them. Other ex says “I mean, I haven seen you in days so it doesn’t feel like we’re married...”

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So baby girl is testing her limits with curse words now. Lol.

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11.2.2020

TA DAH!

- I completed a module in my research training this morning. So. That was dope! IDK why I feel so accomplished, I literally read something for 10m and answered 4 of 5 quiz questions correctly.

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11.1.2020

The disappointment is eating away at me. I have to realize that I’m not the captain of his ship, he is. If he doesn’t vote that’s his choice.

I just can’t bear to think of another four years of this divisive rhetoric and willful ignorance.

I’m also afraid of what will happen after the election no matter which way it goes.

My TaDas:

-I was still able to make Halloween special for my baby girl despite the pandemic.

-I washed baby girls hair today.

-I practiced calming/centering techniques with baby girl today.

-I convinced baby girl to work on phonics and vocabulary for at least five minutes today.

-I got my homework for the week submitted on time.

-I didn’t try to argue sense into my husband today.

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So. The observation just brought up to me (and brought up several times before) is that I move the conversation to off topic when I interrupt, and that is why it is so frustrating for husband. I really don’t see it that way, because I’m talking about something related (example: something under the same category like gay and gender nonconforming are both queer but not the same thing). To me, it’s on topic. To him, it’s unrelated. The frustrating part for me is that I feel like sometimes it becomes a values-added issue... like in this case he equated gay with gender nonconformity when they are two different things (that willfull ignorance I was talking about with the president? I feel like he does that sometimes, too). He also stated that that term was some new shit he doesn’t subscribe to.

At any rate, what I got from him is that my style of conversation is frustrating. That I need to think more in terms of the more specified topic at hand, not think in terms of relationships to different terms or other topics(?). It’s difficult to focus in on what people are trying to say sometimes. I feel like I sometimes need to respond to let someone know I was listening although I may not have caught the flow of the entire convo. Which in turn just gives the perception (or proof?) that I really wasn’t cognizant of the entire convo. Which looks like I wasn’t listening or trying to listen at all.

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10.27.20

I got an A in that class I was worried about...

TAH DAH

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Restless evening. I think the workout and coffee have me a bit hyper.

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10.26.20

Truth is, I’m chasing a high you only get when you first start. I’ll be hungry for it forever. My lover gives me only enough to keep me barely alive when I long for full four course meals. I’ll vent my frustrations in raunchy songs and in my dreams, but when awake I’ll always have an insatiable hunger. I’ll long for it forever. A glow, a wave, a splash that will never belong to me again.

The parts of me that adhere to my Scorpio horoscope are dead.

Dampen my thirst with a drop here and there just to keep the connection tethered by a string.

I miss being held and caressed until I fall asleep and still waking up in the arms of my lover. I miss fucking until I’m numb and hungry and thirsty. I miss feeling wanted, for real. Even you used to do the peculiar things that would peak my interest. You used to taste test every part of me. And you joke that it was all a trap. And that’s on the nose. This feeling. Of being trapped.

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10.24.2020

Ta Da!

I got much needed relaxation with a massage

I cooked the (salvageable) Hello Fresh

I focused in on work and got a lot done yesterday

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10.21.2020

Therapy notes

Do a “Ta Da” list - credit for things I did successfully during the day... try with baby girl too

Gratitude Journaling

Find time for meditation 🧘‍♀️

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10.18.2020

Now that I have time to myself I am stalling.

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10.17.2020

Sweetest day.

Hubby having a barbecue with his boys.

I have two papers (one worth 30% of my grade) and a discussion due tomorrow at midnight.

Fin.

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Saving for later.

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