ihaveapurpose

[ihaveapurpose]

Middle school yay!!!! I feel like I'm going to get a fresh start! But wait!! I forgot to mention I grew up and still live in Alaska. So all my bullies and peers we were in the same class and maybe one or 2 people who moved here. I could just go on and on about how I was bullied but, I'm not. I'm gonna discuss my 3 year obsession with horses! So as I gained this obsession my parents told me I should call our neighbor who had 2 horses. I did! She was going to teach me about horses! Except with me struggling with school and bullies I had, let's call it a trial. I was a very oblivious child. Anyway this guy I went to school with asked for my number! Keep in mind I'm in 6th grade and I've gained a ton of weight since elementary due to bullies so I'm fat and depressed I thought someone finally liked me! We texted then he asked me for pics. (Porn) I tried to just blow it off and move away from that topic. He tried to beg and it didn't work. So he threatened me that if I didn't he and a bunch of other people would beat the life out of me. So I sent them. Later on his mom found out and told my parents. My parents questioned me and yelled at me, took my phone away for a very long time. At this time the didn't know I was threatened and depressed. They thought a boy had just sweet talked me. So I was grounded for a year and I didn't get to go hang out with the horses...... finally 7th grade came around and my parents did I finally got to ride horses! Horses became my passion! I loved taking care of them and working with them in away I could. I was riding horses in the morning sunrise of alaska! Also I'm going to bring in another person who was my first best friend we will call her Belle. Belle and I went to the absolute worst school in Alaska. It was awful. But it brought us together we spent many weekends hanging out and planning our escape from the horrible school. One day Belle asked me a question and to be super honest! She said am I fat? Not gonna lie she needed to lose weight. She was getting unhealthy. I was too though! So, I said your mot healthy but, I'm not either we should workout together! She was very grateful I was honest with her and we started making goals! So I spent my middle school years still being bullied really bad but, I was riding horses and had my friend!

[ihaveapurpose]

Okay!! So, this is my anonymous blog! This first few post are going to be telling you about my crazy life and how it led me to attempting sucide then suddenly turning 18 my world has completely flipped. I always had a wonderful family who loves me. In fact we were well off not rich but, well off. So we never really had to worry about food or if I car breaks. We can still get to where we need to go. When I was younger I was diagnosed with bipolar,hdhd, OCD, and possibly autism. First let's explain these disorders. Bi means 2 polar think like the north pole and south pole super opposite. When a person with bipolar is manic they have grandiose ideas energy etc. It can be like I'm going to finish a entire year of school in a day or even as far as I can fly! Yea I can! Resulting them jumping off a bridge and falling to their death. I hope that's not too many people out their with that much mania but there is. The other end is depression. You go into a severe depression very quickly and very intensely. In my years as a teen I remember from being like I can do it then to wondering if I will take my life that morning. Adhd is a attention disorder meaning I have a hard time paying attention, staying on task etc. OCD is where most people assume we all just some clean freaks! Jk lol. OCD is obsessive compulsive disorder. It's a obsession disorder. Maybe I said something weird to somebody then my mind will obsess about things like what if they think I weird or what if they think something wrong with me, oh my gosh they probaly will tell everyone how weird I am! Then you got the compulsive part of the disorder where you have to stop your self from running up to that person and explaing you are not weird and blahs blahs blahs making the situation worse. So, with these disorders my childhood feels like a nightmare but, I guess some of it wasn't too bad now that I discuss it with my mom. When I was in kindergarten to 1st grade I had friends. I loved life people and everything was amazing. Then second grade bullies were introduced to my life. I guess I was a easy target. I was too nice. I didn't fight back. So, I was picked on for the rest of the school year crying my eyes out because everyone stopped talking to me because they didn't want to be targeted. Not too mention my school always made it out like if someone punches you in the face and you punch them back then your going to jail and your entire life is ruined. Imagine being 6 years old and hearing that. I don't remember how but, it was stuck in my head that everyone had this power and I didn't. Know that you know about the disorders and how they work and that I was bullied I will cut this post short so you can take a break then will will move on to another post! Thank you!