iijyanai-blog - Tumblr blog

[iijyanai-blog]

long time no post honestly i mostly go on here when i want to post suicidal stuff but at the moment I'm just really fucking...disappointed i guess? people give me shit for not reaching out but when i need help they're never fucking there and i feel like shit for putting myself out there same story every fucking time this should just be the only post on my blog

[iijyanai-blog]

laughs i'm about two seconds away from fucking exploding idk whats wrong with me but my head, neck, and back are all killing me probably because i'm all tense but i dont know why that is! nothing in particular is bothering at all but i'm just this close to fucking losing it

[iijyanai-blog]

ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

long time no post which i guess is a good thing

today is fucking terrible, i just feel terrible for no reason. i often feel like i'm already halfway out of this world already, like i'm barely here, but today i felt completely dead. and no one fucking cares. yes, i've tried talking to people. no one cares to listen.

today just felt bad almost the whole time. i was fine this morning even though i didn't want to get dressed, but i guess i should learn to take that as a sign because it usually means i'm going to have a terrible day psychologically. i went to the store with my apartmentmate and only bought things on sale and saved all kinds of money supposedly, but there were these really annoying girls talking about me while i was in line and i was already feeling like shit and really not wanting to be out, so that just made it worse.

then i came home and continued to feel crappy. we got free food at a social at my apartments which was great. in spite of that i still wasn't able to feel better. i tried listening to music. i tried studying. i tried napping, twice. i guess it doesn't help that there are always loud drunk people screaming outside, but that's normal. and i dunno, i just feel like shit. my """boyfriend""" asked if i wanted him to come visit this coming weekend just so he could tell me all kinds of reasons why he can't come. why would he even do that? and i was trying to talk to him about how i'm miserable but he always just glosses over it. he always tells me i need to talk to someone, but i guess that someone is never him! what a fucking surprise.

anyway, i just really hate being alive right now. in spite of all the "productive" or "nice" things that happened this weekend, i'm unable to find anything worth staying alive for.

[iijyanai-blog]

no one is going to read this but i think that painting your skin grey to pretend to be a completely different species from another universe is different from painting your skin darker to pretend to be a PoC???

another thing that bugs me is that there aren't a ton of PoC to cosplay as in the first place. when it comes to PoC cosplaying lighter-skinned people, do they put on whiteface? usually not, as far as i know. and why should they have to? there's nothing wrong with the skin you have??? idk to me it sends the message that you can only cosplay as a certain character if you're able to attain their skin color and if that were true then PoC would necessarily be limited in the characters they're "able" to cosplay as. not to mention that if a character is PoC the likelihood that they're a joke character is so much higher than if a character is white. can't PoC just enjoy that they can cosplay as a character who isn't a joke??? idgi

and it's okay to have an opinion but if your followers are PoC and they're like hey you are making me uncomfortable/hurting me because you're doing brownface which is racist it's okay for them to have that opinion? given the history of blackface/brownface and the fact that it's actually pretty racist (again, especially because of its history in the USA), if people are personally expressing their discomfort over it and that's not enough for you to change your mind then idk what to tell you???

and it's like why is this happening with multiple people i follow all at once and they're all being really obtuse about it? like, i really like their art and cosplay and even their personalities but i seriously don't want to look at brownface and racist stuff more than i already have to in real life, not to mention being really dismissive when addressing these issues? like i'm physically sick to my stomach because even if a specific act you've done might have been blown out of proportion the fact that you actually defend something like brownface or cultural appropriation is actually really unsettling. especially in light of the fact that your initial defense isn't "oh it's not brownface it's just darker shading, the lighting makes it look weird" but it's something like "but i don't see anything wrong with brownface"

i know, i'm a terrible person just go ahead and fucking kill me idc shrugs into infinity

[iijyanai-blog]

i feel like i'm losing one of my closest friends. it's as if they don't even care to put forth the effort to spend time with me anymore. as selfish as it sounds, their relatively new boyfriend is going to be here year round, and i'm leaving next week. i still take backseat to that. but i am just a bitter and jealous person, i guess.

[iijyanai-blog]

about this blog

i made this blog so i can feel more free to express myself, because i have a lot of thoughts and feelings that i don't think people i know would care to hear. i guess i'm going to try and keep it 'anonymous'.

so hi.

[iijyanai-blog]

WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

man, i turn on my ask box and tumblr bot is already hounding me with the same old shit..........