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Thoughts....

There are so many days that I can wake up with no cares in the world. There are so many days that I can wake up and hate everything about myself. Not every day is the same but not everyday is different. There are many unseen struggles that go on in my life that no one will ever notice. Many people think that it's just all in my head and I'm just being dumb or that I'm overreacting. Well to them I'm just someone seeking attention, when in reality I'm not. I am almost 23 years old. I have a great job, wonderful parents, two amazing best friends & an amazing boyfriend. On the outside I look like someone who has their life together and has no worries at all. This however is not true. I am adopted. I have known my whole life. The reason I was given up was because my biological mother could not look at me everyday because I was essentially a mistake. My biological father had an affair and refused to claim me until he was forced. I have 2 half siblings on both my biological mother & fathers side. On my mothers side I have a younger sister, I have actually reached out to her and talked with her. She turns 21 this year. She has a younger brother whom I have had no contact with. I'm not sure if he even knows who I am. On my fathers side I have two older sisters I believe. Waking up everyday knowing that l was given up because I was a "mistake" is the hardest thing to deal with. I constantly question myself & everything around me. I always wonder "why me" or "what could have been". These aren't always bad questions but when they consume your life they are. I have always questioned if I would ever be good enough. I have always wondered if someone could ever love me and all of my "flaws". I have kept to myself about a lot of my struggles because I don't want people to "feel sorry for me" or judge me. I was bullied in high school. I always heard about this stuff but I never would have imagined it could happen at my tiny school or let alone happen to me. Well it did. I was made fun of for being skinny and having neither boobs or an ass. I was tortured it seemed like. Always told that if I were to ever have sex my partner would break me in half. I was always told I was "too skinny" and that I should "eat more". The people who did this to me all through high school were people I grew up with and even considered my friends. How could someone like that be so mean to someone they called a friend? Well I guess I wasn't a friend but just an easy target. My senior year of high school I had the option to move away and start somewhere new. At the time I didn't take the chance and I do regret it. Maybe things would have been different if I hadn't stayed my last year. But I chose to stay. I stuck it out and it was hard. I dealt with a lot of dramas and bullshit. There were girls who hated me for no reason and made it their life goal to fight with me daily. I dealt with losing my grandmother just before I started my senior year. I also dealt with a lot of heartbreak. Well when I graduated I left for college. I went to one university for two years. It was awful. Everyone kept telling me college were the greatest four years of your life! It'll be so much fun! Well my first year was horrible. All of the friends I had made left me because I didn't join a sorority. My roommate moved out and I never got a new one. I went home pretty much every weekend and my dad hated it. My second year was no better. I had begged my parents to let me come home or let me transfer to a new school. They refused. They told me to stick out one more year. Well I tried and that led to my life being threatened. One of my roommates my sophomore year out of nowhere told me that if I ever pissed her off she would put hands on me with no warning. That scared me. I told my RA and I was immediately moved to another dorm. The rest of the year sucked. My new roommates sucked except for 1. She was my twin and became my best friend. The other two were awful and they were older so that didn't help. Sophomore year ended and I moved to Orlando. This was a huge step forward, so I thought. At the time I was dating someone who I knew in high school. He was 3 years older though. He was a gentleman but his family was too much for me. I moved in with a friend from high school and that was a mistake. She drove me crazy. We only fought once thankfully. But everything about how she lived in the apartment would drive anyone crazy I think. I ended up meeting my best friend and soul mate on my first day at my new school in speech class. When I walked into class that day I never thought in a million years I would even make any friends. I was significantly older than some of my class mates since it was my 3rd year in college and their first maybe second. Now let me tell you about my best friend. Because she has changed my life for the better and I can't thank her enough. We met in speech class. Neither of us expecting to meet each other and form such a bond like we have. She is two years younger than me but so much wiser. She is literally my other half. She completes me. She understands me like no one else. I can tell her anything and she supports me. If I ask her for advice she gives it, if I ask her to not judge me she does it. I can always count on her to be there when I feel alone. Because of her I know I am not alone. Living in Orlando had some perks. I worked at universal for awhile. I had malls i could go to whenever I wanted. There was always something to do. Well my boyfriend ended up moving back home and not staying in Orlando. Well that fucked everything up. I rarely saw him except for when he would come up for tests or I would go home for break or long weekends. After a year of being up there I just wasn't happy anymore so I moved home. Well two weeks before I turned 21 the boyfriend decided to break up with me over text. I was very confused, hurt, upset & mad. But if you ask me today, I am grateful. I moved home. I finally felt happy again. I got a job and was doing great. I bought a new car and things looked good. But there always felt like something was missing. I felt alone still. Well when I went To Orlando for my birthday my best friend told me to download tinder, so I did. Tinder. Where do I even begin. At first it was a joke to me. I didn't care that much and thought it would be fun to just talk to some me people. Well I ended up matching with a lot of people I had gone to school with. They never paid me any attention in school but now on tinder they were all over me. Typical. My current boyfriend. We met my senior year his sophomore year of high school. We had talked and hooked up once in that time. It didn't go anywhere Though. Well we matched on tinder. We talked for a bit on there and then started texting. At first I was really hesitant because of the fact I had just gotten out of a relationship 2 months earlier. We hit it off and he was amazing. We started dating August 14, 2015. Almost two years later and we have a dog together and live together. Things are great. Well like any relationship there are always ups and downs. We had a few of those at the beginning because both of us had been hurt in the past and we both were scared. The last bump was back in October when he sexted another girl. The only reason I found out was because the girls brother saw it and then went to his best friend who happened to be like my little sister. They sent me all of the proof and she confronted him. I was away in Maine at the time. He called me and was crying and admitted to everything and said he was sorry and he'd never do it again. I forgave him and moved on. Every once in awhile we'll get into a dumb fight. He has temper issues and I hate confrontation. So it never ends well. I don't think he truly understands what I go through everyday and I know I don't understand him either. I am willing to try but he doesn't open up much. I try to open up but he has the tendency to say that "it's annoying" or "I don't care" I don't think he means it but I also don't think he really understands the effect it has. I love him to death and would love to spend the rest of my life with him. But he needs to start seeing things from my point of view and try to support me no matter what. I have body image issues. I have insecurities. I tend to get depressed easily. I hurt very easily. I struggle with these things everyday. All I have ever wanted is to be accepted and supported. I want to feel pretty and attractive, I want to think that my body is amazing. I want to let go of the never feeling good enough. I want to be happy. This is an On going battle and everyday I feel like I've taken 5 steps forward or gotten knocked back probably 8 steps. Not many people know what goes on in my head because they just wouldn't understand or won't take the time to. To anyone who goes through anything, feeling like you have someone on your side is always the best. If you feel alone Then you will struggle more than if you feel like you're not. There are many days that I feel very alone and it's awful but there are just as many if not more days that I feel like someone is right next to me helping me. I never want to feel alone because it doesn't mix well with me.

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Zodiac Signs as Adorable Cats!

Aries

Aries cat is ready for adventure, but don’t you dare cross him. His short fuse and sharp claws spell bad news for anyone on his bad side.

Taurus

Taurus cat will never run out of patience, no matter how many silly costumes you put him in.

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1 am thoughts

Lately it seems that I've let my insecurities get the best of me. I've always tried to hide them but lately I feel worse and worse about myself and I can't figure out why. I hate social media because I see girls who are my size that love their body but then I see girls who are bigger than me hating their body because of girls my size. I also hate social media because it shows images that put down myself and many other girls in the world which isn't okay. Yes I am a size 0-1. Yes I weigh like 115lbs. Yes I have the typical "model" body. But I'm also allowed to hate my body just like anyone else. I was bullied all through high school, by people who knew me my whole life. People I considered my friends. I have never once liked my body. I do not vocalize this because any time I have I've been told I'm not "allowed" just because I have the body everyone wants. Well I don't want it. Being called anorexic or bulimic, being forced to talk to a school counselor about it doesn't make you want to love your body. Being told you're too small that someone will break you doesn't feel good either. All my life I've been told I'm not allowed to dislike my body because I have the ideal body, yet I was tortured for having this body. Those 4 years of high school were pure torture. But I am now 22, in college and moving on with my life little by little. I see a counselor for other reasons, but it's nice to be able to talk to someone about these issues who won't tell me "no you're not allowed". I have an amazing boyfriend that tells me on a daily basis that I'm beautiful and he honestly makes me love my body. I also have a great best friend that understands how I feel and also tells me uplifting things too. Without these two in my life I would probably be drowning in my own thoughts about this stuff. No one should ever have to feel like their body isn't perfect. Every body is perfect in its own way. Never let other people tell you differently. Because one day they won't be in your life anyways. To all those girls I called my "friends" in high school, I hope that you've grown up and don't treat anyone like you treated me.

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I’m the type of person who acts responsible, cusses, says mean things about people, cannot stand somethings, and acts like nothing bothers me. When inside I just want someone who will listen to my late night thoughts, deal with me when I’m in a bad mood or I hurt, hold me when I feel stressed, and let me be who i truly want to be. The girl who still sleeps with teddy bears, who gets weird when she’s tired, wants to share her knowledge with our future generations, wants to be at home a lot or suddenly go on adventures, and wants to be the best that she can be. I just want to be me and not be judged.

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ARIES you’re brave and insightful and rash no one can take that away from you they don’t have the right and they never will TAURUS you’ll exist until the bitter end stubborn and a survivor there is nothing in this world that can bring you down but yourself GEMINI you are a storm disguised as a cloudy evening the comedic and tragic masks of theater in a universe where the inhabitants are boring you are a bright light CANCER i’m sorry for the rupture in your peaceful, loving home i’m sorry for the shattering of a safe world i’m proud that you are the only one strong enough to put it back together now LEO your exuberance is legendary be aware be alive they cannot steal your radiance VIRGO a keen mind lovely lips forming words of holy prayers to peace you were robbed but they cannot take your grace, my love LIBRA you tried your best you are not bad for doing what it right to recover you deserve it you need help as much as everyone else does SCORPIO silent as a statue you bear it all with stoic, strong shoulders it is okay to cry recovery is not weakness SAGITTARIUS i trust your poetry and drive i trust your strength and capability one day there will be a time for you to trust that too just wait CAPRICORN after a lifetime of shouldering other people’s problems know that that is a good thing but self-care is a good thing too and there is a peace in balance AQUARIUS let your sympathy go they don’t deserve it after what they did to you you can make yourself the priority know i give you permission PISCES it is not your fault you were not weak or stupid you have a big heart and I’m proud of you for it

abuse in the zodiacs; l.m. (via apoeticmythos)

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If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

David Sedaris, Barrel Fever (via picsandquotes)

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http://iglovequotes.net/

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beautiful blog full of baby animals!

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Other Character Traits:  Chris

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Part of the beauty of love was that you didn't’t need to explain it to anyone else. You could refuse to explain. With love, apparently you didn’t necessarily feel the need to explain anything at all.

Meg Wolitzer (The Interestings)

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