imaginationsublime

[imaginationsublime]

2/18/2025

falling out of grace with life. I've lost hope. Before I use to lead w my heart. after being hurt so often or putting in trust in people who only broke it, I've lead to intellectualizing. found 4 points.

explaining negative events: I don't necessarily justify peoples behavior. I'm understanding to a certain extent. I explain things that bother me and not always will those things be constructive. I try to steer clear from victimization.

Distracting myself: I do that when I need a breather. I try not to do this during times of friction, I feel like getting to the bottom of it serves better. things tend to get forgotten or swept under the rug if too much distraction does its job. I process my feelings. I think its healthy to do so. I identify that I have a lot of hurt that is unresolved. Grew up with out much care or affection and being logical or intellectual seems to problem solve some things not all things.

Focusing on task: As years progressed and others hadnt found importance in working emotions like I was, I learned to use the phrase it is what it is. As Whitney Houston said, its not RIGHT but its OK. If im being honest, growing up I've always felt too much and it seemed hindering. It seemed like I gave my attention and heart to those undeserving or those with bad intentions. So currently I deal with my emotions but Im guarded with others. I've lost trust.

Talking about feelings in an emotionless way: I wouldn't say that's realistically me. I am capable of being vulnerable I don't think kindness is a weakness. Empathy and compassion are human essentials.

I suppose its a trauma response. Similar to dark humor. I can identify that I don't neglect my emotions. no matter how much I wish I could I cant. sometimes I feel like giving into the darkness would mean I would be successful, I'd be a social figure. It just wouldn't be true to my core persona. I care too much and that can also be hindering. I'm going through a villain era. I have a darkness that I also don't negate. I believe with some things its very an eye for an eye, I know it makes the world go blind but sometimes people have to learn the hard way. use other senses.

I'm just very unsatisfied with society, with the quality of people I come across. one of my rules is do not mess with the innocent. protect. I've learned how to fight back. I use to not understand the harshness, the unfairness on who the afterlife takes first, in times of fear i use to freeze. take the beatings. I never really ever had the response of flight. I always stayed a constant. stuck around. I would want someone to stick around too.

how do I engage in self care and emotional well being? I take time to really feel what I feel. whether its good or bad. I sing. I hang out w friends, my dog. I spend time out in nature. sometimes that heals a present hurt. sometimes it feels ok. I do recreational activities. I paint, I go for walks. I take a bath and I do activities that make me happy. at least for the time being. I am very grateful about things. I'm just angry after being sad. I'm so very angry. I do practice gratitude. have a mantra where I'm exhaling and inhaling. breathing exercises.

so u say this. and I identify to a certain extent. I feel like I'm still presently continuing a balance. So idk what I am doing wrong. My friends sometimes joke and tell me I have serial killer tendencies. Everyone is capable of it right? we all know there is always a bigger predator. should we do a necessary evil to help a bigger scheme?

I am in touch with my spirit animal. Only once has it manifested in my dream angry. The other times its a bit comforting to know it hasn't left. Its not as bold as before. its felt what I've felt and lets me lead. I miss my wolf being there more upfront. I recognize that I'm an intense individual. I think that is because I've always been in touch with my emotions. somewhere along life... I've been identifying with the villain. I don't have bad intentions. I feel very misunderstood. in the back of my mind, I think that the possibility of doing bad, is getting closer. if u cant beat em, join em. even if that means losing ur spark. I don't want to lose myself. I've always been so sure of that part.

I called my friend after our session. I got tired of being the one who is always reaching out. calling. making time for others and not getting the reciprocated care im looking for. given many opportunities and time. I passively not angrily told him that It was making me feel bad and that i hate pretending when things are not right. I told him we can still talk but I wont be reaching out any longer..

[imaginationsublime]

I hate how my whole being misses you

Odio el sentimiento de todo mi ser extrañandote

How mostly every song reminds me of you or us

Que casi todo las canciones que se crusan por mi paso, me recuerdan bueno o malo, a ti.... a nosotras

When there was an us...

Cuando eramos un "nosotras"

Sunsets and mornings feel different.

Los attardeseres y las mañanas se sienten differentes

Nights feel off.

Las noches se sienten fuera de lugar

I dont hate you, I'm mostly hurt

No te odio, estoy mas bien, herrida

You made me feel disposible and used

Me hiciste sentir desechable y usada

[imaginationsublime]

May 24 2023

Feels safe to send out my thoughts to the universe....

That being said, Im finally 32 which seems like I'm the only one celebrating my presence.

Have lamentingly not found any new ppl to be ride or die. The one I had is ghosting me cause of an argument. Which I'm trying to make better but no one seems to reach out to me despite my several attempts.

The friends I currently have seem to be lacking and proving themselves not to be best friends but to only be down to hang at their convenience.

They will remark that they all have different lives, Yada Yada. Truth is they never really go the extra mile or talk openly with me which can lead me to a bit of a trust issue due to lack of transparency in intentions

No one seems to care enough. They are capable of some form of love but they never choose the adequate one.

Growing up I thought hey if my family doesn't get me or doesn't care for me where I undeniably feel loved than maybe a family that I will build on my own will undoubttfully give that missing piece and I in turn will also care for them and be their rock and cheerleader.

Time and trials pass and im left with nothing of substance.

In love it isn't any better. Granted i have my guard up up but im open and hopeful. I've gotten a bunch of flakes, unreliable, horny ppl who try their luck but really don't want to get to know me for me.

I've Been having a tough time. Those who have me in their life are taking me for granted and although I'll have nothing, im feeling like packing up and leaving. Illusions are more fun when it's a hot girl daydream or fantasy. Not... when u wanna feel welcome and understood. Seems like.. denial and neglect.

I have bigger fish to fry, I know.... it just feels like a solo path when I was being all inclusive. Getting to where ever it is I land on, feels very.... alone. But ppl will always say "least you'll be okay financially after the hard road ur taking". All I wanted was a pack. A family. A community.

T.b.c.

[imaginationsublime]

May 24 2023

Feels safe to send out my thoughts to the universe....

That being said, Im finally 32 which seems like I'm the only one celebrating my presence.

Have lamentingly not found any new ppl to be ride or die. The one I had is ghosting me cause of an argument. Which I'm trying to make better but no one seems to reach out to me despite my several attempts.

The friends I currently have seem to be lacking and proving themselves not to be best friends but to only be down to hang at their convenience.

They will remark that they all have different lives, Yada Yada. Truth is they never really go the extra mile or talk openly with me which can lead me to a bit of a trust issue due to lack of transparency in intentions

No one seems to care enough. They are capable of some form of love but they never choose the adequate one.

Growing up I thought hey if my family doesn't get me or doesn't care for me where I undeniably feel loved than maybe a family that I will build on my own will undoubttfully give that missing piece and I in turn will also care for them and be their rock and cheerleader.

Time and trials pass and im left with nothing of substance.

In love it isn't any better. Granted i have my guard up up but im open and hopeful. I've gotten a bunch of flakes, unreliable, horny ppl who try their luck but really don't want to get to know me for me.

I've Been having a tough time. Those who have me in their life are taking me for granted and although I'll have nothing, im feeling like packing up and leaving. Illusions are more fun when it's a hot girl daydream or fantasy. Not... when u wanna feel welcome and understood. Seems like.. denial and neglect.

I have bigger fish to fry, I know.... it just feels like a solo path when I was being all inclusive. Getting to where ever it is I land on, feels very.... alone. But ppl will always say "least you'll be okay financially after the hard road ur taking". All I wanted was a pack. A family. A community.

T.b.c.

[imaginationsublime]

Right now I feel like blah

Somehow I mellowed out too much and now I'm all in my head and my feelings.

Expecting friends to reach out but they don't. Not unless it's convenient for them. Lately I just feel used as a placement

I do everything correctly. Maybe it's time to do things wrong. The opposite...

My energy is down. I'm disappointed yet again that humans don't make the bar.

Might do an edible later and fuck everyone

My feelings are just hurt.

I might boycott ppl.

They arnt shit. I need music.

Mellow... mellow...Mellow.

..Breathing..

..30 more mins..

I should write a song

[imaginationsublime]

I can't trust or be myself w someone who holds secrecy.

I retreat.

[imaginationsublime]

Friends?

You do it just to bother me.

Just to fuck with me.

And I don't think I enjoy ppl who do that.

[imaginationsublime]

My best friend of 20 years is leaving... the country. He's an immigrant so I guess it matters to the rest of the world...I just selfishly care He's here. That's not to say he's leaving my life, per say. It just means idk if he will be ok in a foreign country. He's has a place to live. He says but how do I make sure.

Fact of the matter is that everything I knew or thought I would know, is not.

I also feel too much to be in this desynthesized world.

Of course, cause why not life... why would you not randomly play that whiteny Houston song "I have nothing".

My ex boss of 8 year just texted me too.

I got a panic attack at work just now. I was in the back room trying to calm down. Trying to convince myself that my already small circle wasn't dwindling down to the negative digits. Might as well befriend ghosts at this point... if only I could tho. I already asked for that ability and was not granted that gift.

For someone who says they don't miss ppl, I miss them the most. Both living or dead.

Hurts to live, hurts to die. I'm just so stuck in feelings of it all.

I have a few crushes but nothing seems to stick.

My head hurts and all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep under a blanket of warm covers.

Tina and Robert send me hot girl videos to lift my spirit. Momentarily works.

It's a Keane music type of day.

My aunt texted me. She sent me some word of God pictures. I actually appreciated them.

(SUNDAY, may your strength be multiplied today. Your energy be renewed, may the doors of prosperity open to give and give. May the blessings of God descend upon your home and family. Happy Sunday"

Replied w a heart and told her thanks tia, really needed to hear that especially today.

She proceeded to remind me that strong people smile with a broken heart, cry with the doors closed and fight battles that no one is aware about.

I wrote back saying "te quiero mucho, thank you for always sending me lovely messages, reminding me to stay strong, for guilding me to a more wisdomful path, or for simply giving me affection and hope"

Which she replied "mi amor, yo tambien te quiero mucho, eres fuerte, cariñosa, hermosa, tienes muchas calidades. Eres unica. te amo"

I need to medidate into my world and re-center my soul and heart. Music from the secret garden 25th anniversary, helps. It calms and sooths, transporting me to past and future lives where Angels, magic being and probabilities exist. They play and sing reminding me of all I'm was, am and will be. To not forget I'm a traveler and they are there to heal and aid. To these worlds and dimensions I am grateful and sad that No one I know can come with me. A world of dreams I haven't shared with someone. It's so linear Here in what they call reality.

[imaginationsublime]

Lost my wolf... now im losing my heart and hope all together

[imaginationsublime]

Wish I could text my dog... he'd just get it.

"Hey Boi, come through. I'm mad sad and you honestly give the purest of affection... take moms truck."

Then Lucy would be texting me back like clackitty clack

"I'm on my way, don't you worry child (I'm the tone of the Swedish house Mafia ft John Martin)."

He'd tell my sister's husky to get in the car he needs someone to hit the gas while he tries steering. Of course Balto knowing how insane and down he is for anything wouldn't even think twice he's been waiting for Lucy to hurry up and get seated already...

It's Friday March 3. A week and 3 days since I last saw my crush... doubt I'd see her again. She's a go getter so I don't even blame her. My bosses last day is today. I'm bummed but I think I'd have to move on w my plans too. Either school or another job. Something that doesn't pay shitty. Been here 8 years and 15.50 isn't making ends meet. People treat you like trash too. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Maybe something had to give for me to get do uncomfortable and sad that I was like everyone I liked is gone... time to move on too. I'm just so scared of the future. The unknown is even more unknown when I have zero things figured out. Maybe this is what my father was talking about. He went about giving me the message wrong but overall concept I'm getting. Work until you die... hmm.

It's come to that.. living is just as tough as dying.

Should I return to school? Maybe I just suck at life.

A few days ago I found that I lost my passion, my spark, my wolf. I need my dogs, my howl, to run.

[imaginationsublime]

Had three nightmares last night, they make me loose sleep and question every thing.

Was restless yet tired. Overthought last night. Have a terrible habit of doing that.

Key words: extreme heights, climbing, roses, dollar, holes in walls, foreign place, blue and rustic w hints of orange

Bombs, war, shelter, running, main political building fired and exploded, nuclear effect, more bombs, space

Christmas, kids, phone call to organize, unknown, isolated, singles out, truth not believed, room of waltz, seeking through crowd

Morning: ludovico Einaudi

Can't shake feelings

Ppl being pretentious, friends balanced, lack of accountability, do drugs make a difference?

Person I was looking forward to talking to wasnt available, try tomorrow. Dont want to let my mood seep in. Late for work already but needed to put this.

Will feelings still linger ....

[imaginationsublime]

Nights like this I remember why our spark died

And it makes me angry and sad that I ever trusted myself around you

I put too much hope in this

I too have my limits

Wish you the best but I know that you've got so many lessons to learn

I cant be there when ur learning them and act like you dont have to take responsibility for any of them

Its time to start being a better you.

"I dont wanna be there when you're coming down, I dont wanna be there when you hit the ground" -oasis

Esp when you are being careless w my boundaries and respect. I gotta step away cause this chaos isnt of my doing. This chaos has so much potential to hurt me. I cant risk my humanity. But I'll be there when you need me. Just at a distance. I cant be invested in this...

[imaginationsublime]

in my brief case

For a while now I’ve been talking about writing something in the perspective of a bisexual person that doesn’t always involve a coming out story or a messed up angst angle. 

we will get to those tall tails in later writings. this is pretty much me stating whats on my mind. 

truth is when you’re bisexual, I feel like I have to constantly be coming out to people. Given that I represent a minority being a woman of color who is gay, I don’t always feel safe when people just out me thinking I’m balls to the walls proud. 

I’m not ashamed I just also see that there are unreasonably impulsive assholes out there who try to take their homophobia to the next level. 

If I were to be in any category I would fit into a stem. From my lack of research and partial laziness... a stem is someone who can be both feminine and masculine. someone who enjoys hardcore things yet bask in the softness and glitter of things. 

I always tell people that as long as the important people know then im technically not living a lie. 

I’ve never been to pride. I’ve dated very limited individuals. I know what I want but I also know that its so scarce that being single has become a normative. 

daydream a ton! 

masturbate not as often as I’d wish. plus side to that present reality... when I do actually partake in it... its tiring and amazing. I knock out almost instantly. Once tapped into it, I always want sex. Other then that I tend to have a load of self restraint. 

not religious but definitely spiritual. 

Im Daze and this is my life in a brief case

[imaginationsublime]

[Translator]Happy Birthday! I love your drawings, they are so cute. You are one of my favorite artists. Well, if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have seen Voltron and I hadn't met Keith and Lance, I have so much to thank you for. I hope you are having a great day!! 💖

Anon: Happy birthday!!! I hope you have an amazing day/night! P.S- I love your Klance drawings/comics. Keep up the fantastic work!

ahh thank you so much! sorry I didn’t see this yesterday, I ended up going to sleep and didn’t really do much all day lool

u guys are really sweet!! 💛

[imaginationsublime]

Journal entry 1

My morning already started rocky. Dogs pooped in kennel...

Once I get home I'll clean it.

Remember at 11 pm when you swore youd never do it again. If felt like said object from alien vs predator wanted out...here you are again. Not giving a funk because you think of how much it distracted you and you feel like that feeling rn is more important otherwise you cant stop crying. Broken faucet....damn yours hungry though. Should have prepared w food... Caffeine time!

Sarah brought corndogs to work. I didnt think itd work but it brought my spirits up. That or cause the high is getting to me. Also paid for a bacon burrito and made a corn dog burrito bowl. A bit redundant but I feel ...adequate.

5:39 am

Sarah is being super attentiony...suspicious.

I wonder how people choose their scratcher...fav number? Fav symbol? See money and are like, "yes that one"

Why is this font small now? Typing from my phone so idk what I'm pressing

2 hours later and I'm still eating. Forgot today was Saturday the 23rd of November

[imaginationsublime]

Being a Shy Writer and Dating Penelope Park Would Include…

Requested by anon: Being a shy writer and dating Penelope Park would include please

Having a crush on Penelope ever since you arrived at the Salvatore School but always being too scared to approach her

You’ve had multiple classes with her but you always sit in the back of class whereas she’s in the front

Being a good writer and always getting A’s in English and History

One day Penelope was helping hand back essays and she caught a glance at your paper and noticed how good a writer you are

She’ll come to you for help with essays and homework

Penelope loves how shy you are and she’ll do her best to make you blush whenever you’re around her

Asking you out on a date and telling you how much she likes you

She’ll make sure to keep everything low pressure so you never feel forced to do anything

Writing poems and short stories about how pretty she is and the dates you go on

Initially you were too shy to show her your work but eventually, you let her read some of your stories

Penelope can go on and on about how talented you are and will tell anyone who will listen about how good your writing is

She’ll often fall asleep to the sound of you typing on your computer

Even though you’re technically the writer in the relationship, Penelope will leave you little notes in the morning or at night telling you how pretty you are