immostlikelydrunkrn - Tumblr blog

[immostlikelydrunkrn]

wow, it’s been a while. things are different. on the scale of drunkness i’m at like a 6 but i don’t want to unpack everything that’s happened in the last 2-4 years rn. Just know im in love. Just know i hope i dont have to do what ive been planning for almost my whole life. just know, maybe, just maybe, i might find a reason to stay.

[immostlikelydrunkrn]

I’m thinking of JR again.

I know it has been a long time since I have written anything here, I honestly thought I would just stop all together. But here I am.

I am back on my medication again and that’s why I am thinking about him so much again. He says he’s too good for me now that he’s better. He says I’m too sick for him now. He’s in law school and he’s all better so how can he be bothered with someone as bipolar as me? That’s so unfair. I was there for him when he was at his lowest, why can he not be here for me?

I don’t think my meds are working like they are supposed to. I don’t even know what I want to write about to be honest. I want to talk to JR. That’s it. I want JR. Why can’t I have JR?

Drunk 2/10. Drinking: Strawberry Pineapple Mikes Harder.

[immostlikelydrunkrn]

Okay, more about JR tonight. And maybe a little bit about JD if my mind takes me there.

I miss JR. I really do. I miss having someone who actually understand what I’m feeling and how to help me. I miss the love of my life. I miss my soulmate. I wonder if he still thinks about me. I kind of influenced his entire view of women. I changed his type. I made a part of who he is now, he even admitted that. If he an say that how can he leave me behind? I don’t want him to leave me behind.

I try not to bother him, especially when I’m drunk. ButI want to talk to him. On some even crazier shit, I want to just pull up to his house. I just want to drive to him. Knock on his door. Not give him a wash to avoid me. I know that that is crazy so I wont do that, but I want to. Ive learned my lesson doing that though. And he’s in San Diego now and maybe driving 2 hours isn’t the best decision for me right now. But, to play devils advocate, lat time I drove out there I was much drunken than this. But I wont. I will let him have his peace. If it is meant to be he will come back to me.

But good God I miss him. I want to talk to him. It isn’t even the sex at this point, which was great, but I just want him. I just want our connection. I miss him more than anything. I have a playlist Called “Songs that make me think about JR”. I’m listening to it now. I wish I knew what to do to get him back. I’d do anything.

I don’t know what else to write. All I can think is that I miss him and I want him. Should I text him? I think I will. I’m going to. Maybe you’ll hear about the results.

Stay Tuned.

Drunk Scale: 11/10

Drinking: Whiskey, Bacardi, Apple E&J

[immostlikelydrunkrn]

I’m not very drunk right now but I have some things I’d like to say.

I was clearing out the files section on my iPad and found some old writing that I wrote my senior year of high school and freshman year of college. My lord. Let me just say this

1. I was a very good writer.

2. I was very dramatic.

3. I thought I was in love so bad.

4. I wish I could talk to that version of me, or I wish that version of me would have listened to the people who did try to talk to her.

I do miss JR. I can say that for a fact. He may have been my first love. He helped me through being diagnosed bipolar. He helped me when I got kicked out of my house. He helped me cope with the feelings of not being normal. He even sat there and took care of me after I tried to kill my self in a CVS alley. He worked with me through my bulimia. He was everything I could have ever wanted. He still is. he tells me that I’m too sick for him now though. Which I don’t think is fair because when he was at his lowest I took care of him. I was the only person that could help him with the mania and the paranoia. I was the only one who could bring him back down to earth. And now that he got his meds fixed he thinks he’s too good for me, or I’m not good enough for him. It makes me extremely sad. My mom thinks that’s not selfish of him, but I think it is. I would never do that to him. Guess he only loved me when he was sick. It’s sad because I miss him, and I want to talk to him.

I don’t know I’m having a hard time thinking straight right now.

Drunk Scale 3/10

Drinking: Malibu

[immostlikelydrunkrn]

...

Okay, here goes nothing. 

There are a few things we have to talk about tonight. So Bear with me. 

#1. The anniversary of my best friends death is September 9th, which is on Wednesday. I will have been 8 years. I still can’t healthily cope with that and maybe I’ll talk about it in detail another time when I’m drunker but not tonight. I bought some candles for Wednesday and I plan on going to the beach and lighting a bonfire and just thinking about him and honoring his memory. It’s always such a hard time of year for me. 

#2. I’ve been thinking about 2 of my exes lately, JD and JR. People get them mixed up because their names are similar but they are defilinetly two completely different people. I want JD around me for Wednesday. I feel like he might be the only one able to comfort me. Well him and his family, I used to be close with them even after we ended things but I fucked that up like I do with everything else. I might talk about that a different day too, we’ll see. But I always think about JD, what’s alarming me is the thoughts about JR. He may have been my actually first love bu we had such a rocky path and I though I was over that. Apparently not. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. Last time I saw him I messed that up too though. Like I said I destroy everything I touch. Maybe I’m just not worthy of love, or affection. At this point it seems like it. 

#3. I have no clue what I’m going to do with my life. I left Vegas and came back home with my parents and now WTF am I going to do? I am so tired of life. I need guidance and help and I just don’t have it. I could really use some affection right now. Not necessarily talking, just being held. That would be nice. 

Drunk Scale: 7/10

Drinking: Apple E&J and Bud Light 

[immostlikelydrunkrn]

So here’s my first post. I made this tumblr so that I can get out all the feelings I have when Imtoo drunk to be talking to people. Ive posted to much stuff on my personal social media’s that have worried people so here I am. Somewhere I can post freely and not worry.

Things are hard. But things are always hard so why is this hard different? Something about this feels different. This sad is different, this suicidal is different, this drunk is different. have you ever felt like that?

Tonight Ive been thinking about JD a lot. I want him back. Ive been stopping myself from casting a spell about the situation because I believe everyone should have a choice. I haven’t felt understood since him though, even though he went about a lot of things the Wong way, he was my one. I wonder if all of these feelings are because my best friends death is coming up. The anniversary is on the 9th. It will have been 8 whole years without him. I know I’ll be alone on that day and I think that may be for the best.

Do you think some people were meant to be alone? I feel like. I was. Maybe I’m a little too damaged, a little too hurt, a little too sad, a little too broken. Maybe I am incapable of being loved. Maybe I’ll be by myself forever, but is that too bad? No one understands me, but I understand me. So if I’m stuck with myself is that a blessing or a curse?

Hopefully I’ll stick to writing here, it may be good for me.

Good bye for now. Maybe you’ll hear from me again as I get a bit drunker, I tend to express more the drunker I get.

Drunk Scale: 4/10

Drinking: Pineapple New Amsterdam