imperfectparentperfectgod

[imperfectparentperfectgod]

When church turns from its calling to make disciples

Church can be a glorious thing: a living example of how God's family can encourage and build up each other as well as a place people can come to find hope in a saviour and be welcomed into a community of believers. I believe strongly that church is and can be that, I know that it is made of broken people so such a thing will always have its imperfections, but the aim of being that to each other produces a wonderful environment where the spirit thrives and people are changed.

But lets also be honest, many churches bring out the worst in people. And such churches don't just damage those who attend but impact whole communities, as-well-as causing those on the edge of church to leave without intention of returning.

Why would this happen in a community of believers? The sad thing is that within the community there is often an unawareness of this, they don't ever intend this. SO, how do we see through the eyes of others in our churches to make sure as to create koinonia rather than toxic communities.

Unfortunately for most leaders and denominations today that biggest need is accountability! We are all ultimately accountable to our creator and we all know this! But leaders also need those around them who won't place them on a pedestal. The isolated leader, admired and lifted up by their congregation as the channel/voice/or similar of the almighty has certain powers they never had before. Without a group that will ask questions or challenge decisions such mere humans can start to enjoy their influence. It may just be enjoying the privilege of home cooked meals from kind parishioners more often than should be reasonable, or taking a few extra days off because no manager is keeping track. And it would be oh-so-tempting to ask a congregation member who moans and groans a little too often that another church would be a better fit for them… But such power plays can lead to churches that are run by and for leaders rather than for Jesus.

And when the flow of people leaving grows and still no-one is questioning the boss, or indeed no one wants to question the boss then your church's leader is in need of some accountability! I've been there. I have unquestionably followed a leader as people left and were replaced with "yes" men. I didn't believe rumours of bullying, I just couldn't "see" what others saw!

The second thing is listening and hearing. If the community is saying something, not just one member, but many, you need to hear it! The church may not be accountable to the wider community but to God, but hearing what those around you are saying is important. If the church has a reputation of being unwelcoming, of being unloving or of being judgemental or elitist then something should be done to address that. Hear and acknowledge concerns of the community. Do not compromise the gospel, that is non-negotiable and not what I'm saying, but a church is known by its fruit and something deep down needs to be addressed if the church is not known for love and grace.

If you have been hurt by church or Christians then I am so sorry. Please let me assure you that that is not God's will and unfortunately sometimes Christians lose their way. Please don't give up on Jesus for something his followers have done in a non-Jesus-like way. No Christian follower of Jesus can ever be as wonderful as he is and , although I do not want to make excuses for those who treat others unkindly, or worse, we have to understand that people are imperfect!

Jesus wouldn't have liked a lot of churches, his place was always with those who needed him and therefore his place is with all those for whom church has not been a pleasant experience. Church can bring out the worst in people, but it can also be a place of inclusion, grace, love and family. And when you find that it is a wonderful experience.

Jesus' love never fails, never gives up. Keep faith!

Ephesians 5:1–2: Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

[imperfectparentperfectgod]

Stepping fully into faith?

A friend told me the other day I have to take time to process and deal what happened to me this year. I'm not really sure how one processes spiritual abuse. I've talked, I've cried, I've prayed and I've waited. It doesn't hurt so much now, I feel a sense of relief that I don't hold so much of a grudge against my abusers. I know that my sheer stubbornness will not allow them to hold that over me, I feel pity for them and compassion, knowing that this is not where they started from and not where they wanted to be. I wonder if they even are in a place to address that they may have lost their way. I have committed to pray for them each day and each day it gets easier to do so.

But, if I'm completely honest with myself I'm not sure I've processed it. I went back to the old church the two weeks ago and then the rest of the day I sobbed my heart out. That is surely not a sign that it's been processed!

Then, the other day in church God spoke to me. I know he's always speaking but I heard him for the first time in months! I didn't realise the trauma had stopped me from hearing. He told me that it was not how I was thought of in the old church or how my abuser was thought of but how Jesus was thought of.

Guilt came crashing down. I knew my whistleblowing was necessary. I needed to bring the abuse into the light, and that, in turn, revealed the extent of things. However I was able to understand where my guilt was coming from. I had previously had guilt for what I did, and the consequences it had for my abusers, their actions were wrong but the consequences of speaking out make me feel guilty for their futures and their family, though I would do it again.

This new guilt is coming from what the impact on the kingdom is. People they were close to will no longer set foot in church. People have lost faith in Christians, and worse, in Jesus, due to what happened. When I voiced this with a friend she told me to trust them to God. Wise words. However the sense of guilt is still there. The sense of not understanding how this could be the plan. The plan for me to be upended, to be placed somewhere my children are unhappy. To have the next steps I was about to take paused. To have people leaving church with a vow never to come back. The hurt. Right now it makes no sense. Right now it feels the opposite of God's work.

So what next? Quit? Give up? The more doors I push the more I feel trapped in the here and now.

This is where I am supposed to be…though I don't know why…

What should I be doing? Should I be carrying on even though processing the trauma has yet to fully happen, every time I think I'm there tears come or I think I see him and start to shake. I will have to process it at the speed I can and am able to. To me it all comes down to trust, each and every time. I could follow my own path or I could trust God. My worldly side thinks that I should plan, do something, anything. But where would that get me? God has been direct enough to shut down any attempts to do that.

All thoughts for the future involve me worried about the children, finances and practicalities of following the path of church leadership God has set before me. So, I feel that there is only one option open to me now.

That of obedience.

One step at a time, into what seems like darkness, knowing that God has a plan for the future even if he won't share it with me! That's faith at its fullest. I'm not sure I have faith at that level, if I'm honest, not yet. But I am starting to think I will when I get to where he's taking me!

And maybe, after all, that's the point! That its the journey, the daily walk with God, rather than the destination that I'm agreeing to. If I agree to the journey I need to keep my impatience in check long enough to trust Him with the destination.

[imperfectparentperfectgod]

Abuse of the "gossip" label

Gossip is a horrible thing. We've all been in the playground and been the victim of "mean girls" or similar at some point. The Bible, therefore, is right to warn us of the power of gossip to derail ships, friendships, communities and churches (see James 3). We should not endlessly moan about each other in churches, it doesn't build up and it creates a culture of resentment. Church families are like real families, not everyone gets on, not everyone sees eye-to-eye, however we are called to love each other and understand that, just as we are not perfect, neither are our co-workers in Christ. That's Grace!

However, unfortunately, due to our imperfections as people and tendency to do the wrong things abuse and bullying does exist in churches, however much we hope and pray it doesn't and know that it shouldn't. Systems are, at least, now in place to help call it out and deal with it. However, what if those raising concerns are labelled gossips? The stigma attached is damaging and the abuse is allowed to continue.

Recently multiple issues about a leader were raised to me and I was stumped. The people I "should" go to, as laid down by the system, were the leader themselves and their spouse. They did not hear the issues in our discussion but instead things escalated very fast. I was a gossip for hearing the issues, I was disloyal to their role as leaders. There was no discussion, the bullying was not the issue, but the discussion of it was.

I am no longer at that church. My home church. My work place. The place I raised my family. My heart is broken.

But leaving that pain aside the issue was not dealt with and on leaving I realised how deep it was. 13 people came to me in the weeks that followed and disclosed their stories and there was a realisation of how much I hadn't seen. How much I had been told and accepted without question from my leadership. That it wasn't just me.

What do we do, Biblically, with that? I had been to the church leader, so I went to their leader.

And pray, never stop praying despite the pain, even when you don't know how to pray.

Those church leaders, faced with the many complaints their consequences, have decided to move on. However, it leaves a church deeply divided between those who spoke the truth and those who label those people gossips and slanderers. So where is there a resolution? Can there be one?

Education!

Abuse and bullying should not hide under the threat of gossip, the church must learn from the mistakes of its past and move forward. If someone comes to you with these concerns. Consider, before labelling them a gossip, that they see you as a safe person to share their pain with, that they might be a victim. Cry with them, hear them, pray with and for them. Churches have a recognised line of safeguarding help, use that, and stay strong!

The Tongue can be a dangerous thing if used for gossip but it also has the power to proclaim the gospel, to protect the weak and the vulnerable and to promote justice.

[imperfectparentperfectgod]

The gift that keeps on giving

As we look back on Christmas and New year, pack the ornaments away in the loft for another 11 months there is often a feeling of sadness as the January blues set in. Now the gifts are out of their wrapping and, and if you live in fear of the wrath of an elderly relative, or it was drilled into you as a child; you now need to find time to write the “thank you” cards.

But, maybe, just now you are not feeling too thankful. You know you have food to eat, you know you have a roof over your head, and you know that others are worse off, but, well… you are instead feeling fed up. The vaccine promised relief from your four walls and some normality in 2021 and now you stare into the barrel of Lockdown 3. You have followed the guidance and held out so long and yet case numbers soar, restrictions return and it all seems never-ending. You have no energy left for this.

So where do your “thank yous” go when you’re not feeling thankful? How do any of the gifts received at Christmas help you now?

But the best gifts are those which don’t require need any kind of return in kind. Those which are given for us to received, take and enjoy and nothing more. Such presents are rare as usually at least a verbal sign of appreciation is best so as to avoid hard feelings. BUT, the gift of God’s grace is a gift that I did nothing for, I didn’t even ask for it. God loved me and Jesus died for me before I was born, before, in fact, even my great-great-grandparents were conceived! This is the love and mercy that covers me when I don’t feel like being thankful, when I’m thoroughly fed up of coronavirus, when I want to scream at the very thought of home-schooling. When a birthday, event or milestone goes by and I cannot see my nearest and dearest, when I cannot even hug my parents when my grandparent dies, when I feel thoroughly tired and miserable.

When times are tough God’s grace allows me to keep my eyes on Jesus and to lean back and ask him to carry me through the days which I cannot walk through alone. God send his Holly Spirit as a comfort so we didn’t have to walk these days alone.

And what do I have to give back? Nothing! Do I have to devote every waking minute to the church in exchange? No, nothing is asked of you. When you stand in one of those days, hours or minutes and you can no longer do it alone just say “Jesus, please come and take over”…

…and unlike yodel or Hermes, he shows up!

God’s grace – the best gift ever, free and no thank-you note required.

[imperfectparentperfectgod]

Let the little children come to me (if they don’t get distracted en route)

Perhaps in your journey to become “good Christian parents” you may have looked at the good book itself for guidance… and soon found…not a lot, unless you count the useful advice in Luke 11 about not feeding your children snakes and scorpions (Thanks for that Luke…) There is a fair amount for the children, telling them to obey their parents and listen to their instruction (see, for examples Exodus 20 and Proverbs 1). But these texts you know; you have pointed your children at them a number of times during moments of disrespect, and they have so far fallen on deaf ears.

The older generation like to point you at Proverbs “Whoever spares the rod hates their children,” suggesting that you should risk social service involvement in order to beat good behaviour and faith into your young ones. Constant discipline and picking battles, is, often, part and parcel of parenting, but it doesn’t give you “peace” as Proverbs 29 suggests. Such a foray into the biblical world of parenting leaves you even more confused as to how we are to start children off in the “way they should go” (Proverbs 22) and what to do they wander off track? It’s all very well the Bible telling us not to worry, but our children’s souls are at stake and you started to suspect that you are fighting a losing battle since you found your todller’s pockets filled with the church’s toys and have since started to despair at their fascination with weapons and death.

Indeed, when Jesus said “Let the little children come to me,” (Matthew 19) surely he was talking about children who wanted to come, not the ones who scream loudly “THIS IS SOOOOO BORING” in church and had to be prised off a lamppost on the way. Are you, then, doing it all wrong? As you ask yourself this, images of the millstone around your neck (Matthew 18) appear in your mind and, then, panic sets in.

On the other hand, maybe there is a reason parenting strategies are not found in depth in any of the 66 books of the Bible! However, hope can be found for parents in Deuteronomy 6 calling on the whole community to pass on faith to the children among them. In other words: get as much help as you can, this stuff is hard! For encouragement remember your own journey to faith and your own parents, surely it wasn’t all plain sailing? Maybe back then you refused to go to church as a young person to wind up your parents, maybe you went to church youth group to wind up your unbelieving parents, or maybe you went because you had a crush on someone there. Whatever your reasons for your faith today you are unlikely to say that your parents are the one and only reason you believe. Stop beating yourself up about your child’s lack of interest, keep trying and it feels too hard: call in the big guy: pray. It seems unimaginable sometimes that our offspring could become the angels of obedience we desire them to be or the giants of faith we hope they will become. But this is a God who moves mountains, who defeated death, and perhaps more incredibly: placed a child in the midst and made a theological point before the child wriggled off or had a tantrum (see Matthew 18)- miracles can happen.

 There are a variety of reasons why children become wayward, and it isn’t necessarily fair, theologically justified or even helpful to place blame on the parents despite what the crotchety old man in church tells you. As much as we can guide and parent our little monkeys at the end of the day we must let go and let God. Good parents do sometimes have children who break their hearts, and who lose their way: keep praying!

[imperfectparentperfectgod]

Praying with wiggly children

 Praying nightly with my children in the early days was essential to my plan to bring up faithful children in line with Proverbs 22.  Before they could talk it was easy, then the prayers became very sweet, like this one at three years: “Dear Father God and Jesus, Thank you for all the food I have to eat, especially smarties and poppadums. I am very sorry that I screamed at gymnastics and pretended to be a mole in a tunnel when I was supposed to be singing. Please look after any dogs who have hurt themselves, and any cats too. Amen.” However the “thank you, sorry, please” formula can become more contrived as bedtimes go on, and as much as they should thank God for their favourite animal or favourite toy car it gets a little repetitive, and they never have clue of anything they should be sorry for that day, when you think it should be more of a case of them picking their top five!

Being creative with prayer was necessary when my second child in his toddler years was not physically, it seemed, able to stop moving and saying prayers therefore had to become active. We jumped along squares on the bedroom carpet as we prayed, we blowed bubbles, we tried regular prayers (like grace at dinner and regular bedtime prayers) and more off the cuff ones. On making a “prayer box” and placing it on the table it is amusing to see how different children’s prayer lives can be. Our oldest filled it with pleas to God to forgive all the minor crimes of her younger sibling, every upset during the day was promptly written down to be pulled out and revisited later, which was somewhat unhealthy for a peaceful house. Our youngest had a different idea, rather than waste value time writing prayers when writing was not a favourite pastime he found his own way to use the prayer box to communicate with God: he was whispering prayer into the box. While this lasted this was one of the most heart-warming things I had ever seen and, though, a complete curveball in terms of the box’s original purpose, allowed us a glimpse into our boy’s relationship with his creator.

Prayer is a very personal thing and, as adults we talk to God in very different patterns. I like to pray through the day, in the car, before picking the kids up from school, on the loo (don’t judge this, it’s the only quiet place in our house) and before I tackle anything tricky. I can’t do long prayer meetings and it has taken a long time to get used to praying out loud in a group, something sother people can find cringy. In the Bible we see group prayer in upper rooms and people falling flat on their faces to talk to God. It’s ok to do your own thing, and good to plant some seeds of prayer in the early years and see what happens, to see what your child’s own thing is.

Long after giving up on the forced bedtime prayers these seeds produce occasional fruit. Children out of the blue ask for prayer, perhaps due to a sick pet or a cough or cold but their initiation is a mini victory. Take that time, right then, to pray, whatever time: day or night. And remember that prayer doesn’t have to be still and silent, it can involve lego, bubble-wrap, paper airplanes or whatever is the current toy of choice. Active toddlers, more often than not, turn into active children, so stillness may still be a dealbreaker. Pray with them in the noise, while moving, get them a grace dice and let them throw it on the dinner table (maybe not with the best dinner plates!) and if nothing else pray over them when they sleep. Pray for their futures, their health and happiness but most importantly their faith.

[imperfectparentperfectgod]

The Church Toddler Group

I wrote this years ago, and now that I run a church toddler group I feel it is more true than ever! Your church encourages the Mums of babies and toddlers to attend the toddler group, your role in this to chat to local Mums and help in their journey of faith. The vision, politely explained by the lady that runs the group on a Sunday morning, is one of being salt and light in the community. Thus images of you sitting down with a cup of tea with your friends and neighbours and sharing Christ’s love are conjured up.

You eagerly attend the first week with you two darling children. However, the reality of the situation is far from what you had imagined. Your oldest is used to the church hall and her Sunday school friends, however, faced with this new lay out she goes straight into meltdown. Your presence in the room is now known to all the local mums. Your son then decides, instead of playing with any of the many toys in the room, that he wants to crawl through the chairs that all the mums are sitting on. You wince while you watch along the line of Mums as your son rams into the back of their knees and crawls over their changing bags and apologise as you rummage between a childminder’s feet to retrieve your offspring. Half an hour later you are exhausted from chasing two children around the hall, you have sorted out two fights over the Thomas train, changed an explosive nappy in the tiny toilet and read the same book three times, trying not to be frustrated that page 3 is missing; you have not managed to have a cup of tea or talk to a single parent, except to say sorry. You crawl home later feeling lonely and useless, but the following week you know that you should try again.

Being “salt and light” is not necessarily about being the perfect Mum. Please note, actually, that the image of the perfect Mum isn’t attractive to other mums, its intimidating! Jesus was perfect, but he didn’t lord it over everyone but talked to the tax-collectors and sinners on their level and not people who thought they were perfect, those he had no time for. You are a sinner saved by grace, you are no supermum! Be real, share your parenting battles, being salt and light is about the spirit within you rather than expecting your children never to push a boundary.

Out for a rare Mum’s night out in a pizza restaurant a friend, eventually made at a toddler group over a cup of tea (though it was probably cold), once said to me: “You’re not like other Christians I’ve met before, you’re fun, you don’t look down on me.” She smiled at me after giving me this compliment. It broke my heart that this is how Christians are seen, for what we stand against, as those who condemn, as the fun police. The toddler group leader as she stood up that Sunday morning was not asking me to model perfect motherhood to the others in the toddler group; and if she was I failed miserably. She was asking me to go out, to love my neighbour, to not judge the tired Mum of four or the single unmarried mum but to say “it’s not just you” and laugh and cry with them; to dispel the idea that Christians have to have it sorted in all aspects of life. You think you have it sorted in your Christian journey, have a child, or if you are lucky enough to have the “perfect toddler,” don’t be smug, wait until the teenage years…and definitely don’t have another baby, your luck may run out!

[imperfectparentperfectgod]

Emptiness and Hopefulness

As we pass remembrance day and sit in second lockdown an image of an empty chair is a powerful one. It makes me think of all those who can’t be with us at this time. Maybe those who have passed away and we mourn for or just those who are far away and we desperately miss spending time with. Thinking of these people upsets us. When we think of emptiness like this we think of fear and sadness. Surely no-one wants to be described as a-glass-half-empty person

We are told we need to live life to the full. We have it advertised to us every day: You can do it! Work hard and play hard... But give back to your community. Be the devoted parent but also make time for yourself, eat well, exercise, you can have it all. You can achieve anything if you believe in yourself and strive towards you goal. You surely don’t want to settle for anything less, you don’t want to have anything but a full life, do you?

Let me tell you something against the grain! My faith is founded on empty.

If Jesus’ tomb wasn’t empty, would we still remember 2000 years later? Would 4 different men have written books (the gospels) about it? Peter forgot his sadness and dignity and ran to see like a child. The empty tomb, was exciting and challenging to him. It symbolised hope, hope that this wasn’t the end of Jesus.

If we don’t like empty then the story stop on good Friday. But the best bit is the emptiness, the cross wasn’t the end of the story, Jesus died and rose again. Emptiness here was just the start of something.

The empty chair in art and other cultures is a sign of loss but also a symbol of hope of return and reunion. If we believe that that tomb was empty then we believe that death isn’t the end and that this isn’t forever. There IS hope beyond lockdown, hope beyond this life.

A bit of empty leaves space for the Holy Spirit, God to come in and bring hope and comfort to you. These are anxious times, a lockdown means we can’t fill our lives with all the “stuff” of before. Not doing all the coffee meet ups, exercise classes, volunteering, learning and work doesn’t make us any less loved by God.

What if we invited God in? He doesn’t have to social distance! What if we asked Him to help us with the anxiety and fear that we are holding on to? What if we filled ourselves with the hope that God gives us and trust that He will complete what he started in sending Jesus. Then emptiness is the start of something amazing!

My prayer for you is one from Paul, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

[imperfectparentperfectgod]

Parents in the Bible, a reason to call childline?

If the parenting advice of the Bible is sparse, to say the least, could the many generations portrayed in the Bible give us some pointers about how to raise faithful children? The best place to start may be with the ones chosen to raise the son of God. Mary was considered ��blessed” and “highly favoured” and Joseph “faithful” and portrayed as kind (see Luke1 and Matthew 1) but we see little of their parenting, except for their 3-day long hunt for him after leaving Jerusalem without him. Such a story would have made the BBC news and a national man-hunt today, yet one of Jesus’ last actions in John 19 was to see his mum was well cared for.

In reading the Bible we can find a host of things that the social services would want to get involved in. Noah’s drunkenness and nakedness, Laban tricking Leah into a loveless marriage and many parents choosing favourites like Joseph would have had bad consequences for the rest of the family. That’s not to mention Jephthah’s ridiculous promise that turned him into a child-murderer, Lot allowing his daughters to be abused or Saul selling his! Characters in the Bible we respect and are given as examples of faith where sometimes terrible parents. King David was a great warrior for God and wrote many beautiful Psalms, but messed up as a parent when his children abused and murdered each other. Hannah is a faithful woman and fulfils her promises to God, but one can hardly take her example and give our children to the Temple to raise (sorry guys…). In contrast King Saul, rejected by God, produces a loving and faithful friend in Jonathan. What on earth do we take from this? There is perhaps encouragement here that sometimes the most faithful followers of God messed up spectacularly as parents, but there are no lessons on parenting.

If you want to take parenting lessons from the Bible there is only one father figure we can learn from, the almighty one. Perhaps, then, the best example is that of Luke 15:11-32, a parent who loves his child unconditionally and models grace and forgiveness. By allowing children not to be judged by their errors we can work alongside them to help them grow in faith. While children, as parenting books tell you, need love, safety, clear boundaries and consequences for their actions what Christian parents can offer differently is a way back through forgiveness and repentance if they do head “off piste” in what is a very narrow Christian path.

I am encouraged that, despite the constant bickering, neither child has yet murdered the other, that despite accusations I do not have a favourite, and, however tempting it may be, I will not sell a child on eBay. And when we are beating ourselves up that we are the worst mother ever (or so our teenager shouts as she slams her bedroom door) what we need to remember most of all is the the Bible teaches that we are continually learning and even when we completely blow it, there is grace and forgiveness! Amen to that!

[imperfectparentperfectgod]

The signs on our churches that we can’t see

As I walked past a local pub I saw this sign today. 

I had seen it before, since pubs were allowed to reopen its been there. I smirk as I walk past thinking how much it makes the place seem foreboding and unwelcoming. YET, there are still people inside, despite having to reregister, not being allowed to move around, play music or games or bring their children. Our church has a sign outside saying welcome, you do not have to book and children are not barred from entering, there is no such ominous sign with “NO”s listed and yet, it is quiet, open a few times a week and not constantly.

It got me thinking of the invisible signs the church has put up over history and continues to put up today. When the schools visit our church this is shown by the teachers’ reactions, telling the children they must be still, silent and not touch things like the bibles. The instructions make me think of museums, not churches and wonder what these teachers’ experience of church was growing up. Was it perhaps a place of strict discipline, for best behaviour and maybe even of judgement? The church for them must have had invisible signs saying “NO FUN, NO NOISE, KIDS TOLERATED BUT NOT WELCOMED.”

What else have we inadvertently told our community? Are we the church who likes to say “NO” and what would Jesus have to say about that?  Jesus didn’t meet the woman at the well and condemn her, if so his conversation would have been short as she walked off out of his presence, feeling rejected and unloved yet again. Jesus didn’t say no to Zacchaeus’ offer of hospitality, in fact Jesus invited himself into Zacchaeus’ life. Jesus didn’t point out the to the lady who was haemorrhaging that the rules state she shouldn’t be out in public and much less touch him. He didn’t project a “NO,” in fact, he fought that “No” when the disciples tried to bring in a “NO CHILDREN” rule.

If a child wants to look in a bible and you ask them to stop fiddling you are saying no to them reading the word of God. Surely then the cost of a few bent pages is one any church should be ok with.

Open the doors, or, even better, go out of the doors!

Work out what your church has a reputation for saying “no” to and think about what it wants to be known for. What if we looked at the yeses? Love your neighbour and community, clothe the poor, feed the hungry, ask the Holy Spirit to heal wounds. 

Be known for the GOOD news. Only when we think like this do we tear down those “NO” signs in our hearts.

[imperfectparentperfectgod]

Quiet times and chaos

Holding new born is a spiritual experience, looking at their tiny finger joints and perfect little toes you are in awe of your wonderful creator. This feeling of close-ness to God also comes from the near-death experience of prolonged and complicated labour, you feel blessed that God has helped you survive such a close-call with certain death and vow not to ever go through that again as you stare in awe at this tiny creation in your hands. Surely you will bring this human being up to be a great follower of God, the next Wesley maybe or Billy Graham?

You head home from the hospital with two feelings fighting for supremacy in your brain. The first of pure joy, that this is the beginning of the wonderful life as a mother that you imagined from cradling that baby doll in your fisher price crib aged two begins. The second is of utmost terror and disbelief that you have been allowed out of the hospital and that you are now completely responsible for this tiny little being. After taking an hour to get the car seat strapped and into the car you’re not so sure they should have let you out.

Fast forward a few weeks and you are sure you have the distinct feeling that your child is the blessing the Bible promised, in fact you may have spawned a devil-child. Sleep when the child sleeps? They don’t! and when they do you enjoy reverting to looking at them in awe, as you did the first few hours, enjoying the silence and forgetting you haven’t washed for a week and that your house looks like a Primark changing rooms in the Christmas rush.

It’s ok, you have always been very discipled in your “quiet time” with you Bible every morning before work and now you are home every day you reckon you can maybe even manage an extra daily Psalm, right? In fact, you might read them to the baby, starting their journey of faith from the cradle. 

Such a smug plan was made in the early days of maternity leave.

There is NO CHANCE you are getting up early now to read the Bible, you have been up hourly for weeks and plan to squeeze out every second of sleep you can, thank you very much. In a moment of quiet, once, in the early days, you found your journal and Bible down the side of the sofa but you couldn’t find a pen for 5 minutes or remember where in Luke you’d left off and by the time you had got a cup of tea, a pen and re-found the Bible the time had passed and you resumed milkmaid duty.

That’s not to say your prayer life isn’t great, it’s great at 6pm when your husband comes home: you thank God for your husband’s appearance 2 hours into another colicky evening. You pray at 2am for more sleep, and you praise God for the feeds dropped. Most of all, when baby is asleep and no you can’t help but wonder at our creator and thank Him for his gift to you, but your brain and your new timetable mean that you need to re-assess the “quiet-time” and meet God in the craziness, the feeds, the nappy changes and the late nights. He’s there too you know!