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UPDATE - Beam me up, OD

After hours of tiring debate, the UN reached a compromise. As the delegate of Greenland said, “They can’t terrorise the planet if we leave the planet,” while putting his forefinger to his temple. Following fruitful discussion, the UN special assembly agreed on funding space exploration programmes in order to find a suitable planet to relocate to, allocating massive funds to organisations such as SpaceX, NASA, The Planetary Society and most importantly, the Flat Earthers International, the president of the which turned up to the conference on space exploration saying “We are a trusted organization with members all around the world.”

Efforts at locating external habitable planets have turned up futile in all regions of the observable universe, except one. A single, habitable planet has been located in an isolated region of space and has been designated PPMB3-01 (Please Purchase Merchandise from B3-01). However, there have been several bumps on the road. Firstly, the planet has been found to contain, oil, or THICC (Terrain Hydrolysed Iridescent Collection of Carbon) deposits, and as a result, most countries have kept this from the United States.

Secondly, large populations of snakes have been found to reside on this particular planet, proving hostile to any human contact. Finally, but most important of all, the planet is 40 light years away. Billionaire Elon Musk, working with the director of NASA have stated that given the current capacity and state of space travel technology, it is not feasible to relocate the entire human population to this area.

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VERY VERY BREAKING NEWS - Is this LOSS?

The UN General Assembly has failed. The United Nations have truly proven itself to be an organisation of much talk but little action. And the situation has taken a turn for the worse as a result of their inaction.

In a harrowing turn of events, the League of Secessionist States, otherwise known as LOSS, has taken all world leaders hostage. The Climate Change Conference backfired as all world leaders were captured during a coordinated attack carried out by special armed forces from LOSS. This includes key figures such as leaders of USA and China - thus exacerbating the panic among governments and civilians alike.

LOSS was founded on 26th November 1980, by a group of disgruntled micronations as an organisation to unite all nations facing similar plights. Micronations are small, self-unproclaimed entities that claim to be independent sovereign states but at the same time, are not recognised by any supranational organisation. For a long period of time, their demands have been simple, to obtain recognition from the world in general. And it seems the time has come for them to act on their demands.

This organisation is headed by leader Ivanovich Vlad the Slav, self-proclaimed founder of the Micronational Space Station of Babylon 5. Not much is known about this mysterious figure, except that he has proven proficient in multiple forms of combat and has previously been deemed a threat by the CIA.

They have presented an ultimatum to the UN General Assembly - for the effects of the rifts to be reversed, and the world leaders released, the UN is to comply with these terms:

1. Recognition of all secessionist state members of LOSS. This include acceptance into the United Nations, and recommitment of the UN to the principle of self determination.

2. Members of LOSS to be given representation and veto power in all organs of the UN. Effective immediately, permanent membership on the UNSC.

3. All other nations to transfer 2% of their annual GDP to the LOSS, from the fiscal year of 2018-2019

As riots on the streets and outrage against international leaders and diplomats reach an all time high. Under such pressuring times, the world has its eyes upon the UN for action.

For more information regarding this mysterious organization, visit http://www.theloss.org/.

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UPDATE - Public Outrage Against African Governments

The cries of the dying from within Africa are slowly turning from despair to anger. 

28 year old Kenyan, Okeyo Djatate, has this to say about the current situation.

“Half my family was wiped out. There is no food. No water. No money. And the government thinks we are in a position to reject aid. I say let them have the rift and whatever it brings. What is left of my family is dying from hunger, and all we want is to live to see another day. And I am not alone. This is the plight of the people of Africa...”

His sentiments are echoed by many across the afflicted countries as riots and mass protests have broken out, rebelling against what seems like high handed action by the government.

China, Russia, and the United States, despite their mobilisation efforts, have promised humanitarian aid in return of the ownership of a rift containing many natural resources. Many Africans - especially the poor and needy - have questioned their governments about its stance towards the preservation of sovereignty, while Africa struggles with more pressing issues - such as mass starvation and deaths in the aftermath of the DERP formation.

Are these East African governments losing touch of the plight of the people? Some would believe so. People’s lives are at stake and tough decisions have to be made on the part of governments.

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VERY BREAKING NEWS - Superpowers Russian’ to make money

They say every cloud has a silver lining. But one particular rift seems to have a scandium, lithium and neodymium lining. Large deposits of valuable metals have been located within initial drilling samples taken from the East African DERP, information which has elicited a swift response from China, USA and Russia.

Suspected mining operations conducted by mining corporations from these 3 superpowers seem to have begun in certain parts of the East African DERP (as shown in the image) and mobilisation of armed forces by the USA, Russia, and China have been reported by numerous sources. Governmental spokesmen of all three nations have revealed in respective press conferences that they intend to distribute humanitarian aid on East African soil.

Members of the international community have condemned this as a flagrant violation of sovereignty, a heinous display of greed and superiority. Various DERP-afflicted nations now question the motives of these world superpowers as they take advantage of the panic and chaos for financial gain.

In particular, African countries such as Ethiopia, Uganda and Kenya are appalled by recent actions from the superpowers. Many LEDCs have stood in strong support with these African nations. “If China, Russia and US are so eager to profit from the misery of others, then who will be next?”, a Sudanese diplomat questions. More worrying, many MEDCs have considered following the examples of the world superpowers, in an effort to stay competitive,. “After all,” an anonymous French diplomat muses, “if they are able to do it, why can’t we?”

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UPDATE - The Breakdown of International Order

Chaos has spread like wildfire across all affected states. Reports of casualties are flowing in from every corner of the globe. The local infrastructure of afflicted countries, such as medical facilities, road networks and communication structures have been largely destroyed, crippling the DERP-ridden nations, therefore rendering them largely unable to dispatch aid to their citizens by themselves.

Thus, various affected countries have called for humanitarian aid by the international community, citing the fact that various MEDCs have largely been unaffected by the DERPs, and have the capacity to provide such aid.

Countries call upon their representatives in the UNGA, who now possess complete executive control of their nations, for a swift resolution to this issue.

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BREAKING NEWS - Big Holes, Big Problems

Huge chasms in the ground have resulted in great panic worldwide.

Recent events have left world governments with an international crisis as huge rifts, termed Deep Earth Rift Phenomenon (DERP), have appeared across the world, causing massive financial damage and loss of life. The sheer impact and destruction of this catastrophe cannot be ignored - with huge patches of land depressed into the ground, along with medical facilities, education centres, governmental buildings, etc.

In what can only be seen as a freak coincidence, most country capitals have been utterly demolished as a result of the rifts, leaving governmental structures in shambles and throwing systems into chaos. The power vacuum created by this has thrown most affected nations into civil unrest, as most populations are left with a sinking feeling about their futures - effective and strong leadership is crucial and required swiftly.

Concurrently, prominent world leaders such as Donald Trump and Xi Jinping have adjourned in Hawaii for a climate change summit. Communication channels with Hawaii have been affected, leaving governments unable to contact their leaders, thus resulting in a blanket state of panic. In response, the world leaders have handed executive control to their world diplomats, which are gathered in the UN General Assembly for an emergency session.

Satellite imagery has estimated the DERPs to span between 15m to 20,000m at various points, however, accurate readings have not yet been obtained. A graphical representation of the damage can be found on http://tinyurl.com/crisisderpmap.

Calls for humanitarian aid have resounded from all countries affected as they try to recover from what seems like a belligerent act of God. Injuries and casualties are being reported all over the globe and any assistance from unaffected nations is needed desperately at this juncture.

In reaction to this disaster, the UN General Assembly has convened to discuss a swift response to this pressing international crisis.

The fate of the world is in their hands.