imyimyimyimyimy

[imyimyimyimyimy]

“I need you to love me a little louder today.”

— Unknown

[imyimyimyimyimy]

“We have a whole new year ahead of us - and wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all be a little more gentle with each other - and a little more loving - have a little more empathy - and maybe next year at this time we’d like each other a little bit more.”

— Judy Garland, The Judy Garland Show, originally aired by CBS on January 12th, 1964.

[imyimyimyimyimy]

Your real soulmate will naturally make you feel seen, heard, understood, valued, supported & loved. They'll bring out your inner child, be open with you & give you best friend vibes. They'll heal, grow & evolve with you–not only in this lifetime but in every dimension & level up.

[imyimyimyimyimy]

“The people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you, no matter how far they wander.”

— Robert Tew

[imyimyimyimyimy]

I Think I Love(d) You

163 Days

The application I downloaded to track our relationship happily flashes the number of days since we became official at me in bold black letters. 

It does not know that we ended three weeks ago. 

How could it? I never told it otherwise. I had been diligently recording every date, every detail I learned about you into the app, building an encyclopaedia of our relationship I was planning on using to make sentimental gifts for the milestones in our future.

I never expected I would never need to use it.

I scroll down the main page of the application, reliving the dates I had been so excited to describe. All the way down to our first, where I talk about how I first caught a glimpse of you browsing the shelves of the bookstore where we agreed to meet. How I darted away in case it was not you, but mostly because I was nervous and wanted to put off our first meeting just a little longer. How you immediately opened up to me about your past, despite never having told anyone these details before. 

We easily spent five hours walking around talking about anything that caught our fancy, and I never told you but I got butterflies as we sat on a bench eating ice cream and you slowly let me into your world. I did not (and still do not) know what it is about you that makes me crave knowing everything about you, but I knew from that first meeting that I wanted to make you mine.

I navigate to the next section, which holds everything I wanted to remember about you, blinking away the tears that have formed as I recall the best times with you. I recorded the basics (your full name, date of birth, favourite colour) and some more niche details (favourite scent notes, favourite memory, bucket list items), but as I read through the list my head fills with so many other things I learnt about you that I never noted down, like how much you love your mother or the guilt you still harbour for something that was never your fault. 

You are a good person. You have the capacity to feel so deeply but you stop yourself because you are afraid of getting hurt. You may not think it but your father leaving during your formative years left a scar, and now you are afraid of letting anyone in. I am still so grateful for the effort you took to try and share intimate details about your life even when all your instincts were screaming at you to stop.

I navigate again to the questions page, a bank of questions to help deepen your knowledge of each other. We answered a lot of these questions, taking turns being vulnerable even though we were both not used to it. You told me I know you better than all of your friends put together. I showed you a part of me that only you know.

So I do not know how I am supposed to walk away from you so easily. How do you bare your soul to another human being and then just go back to being strangers? It would be easier if I hated you, if you had done something so deplorable I had no choice but to walk away. But it is not like that. You broke things off because you were hurting, because commitment and letting someone into your life went against your every instinct and I wish I could help you through this, but I know that these are issues you need to work on by yourself. I just hope that you are working on them, and not just compartmentalising and suppressing, like you have practised doing your whole life.

Me, I will work too, on trying to ease you out of my life. For now, every time I go to a grocery store I have to stop myself from looking for your favourite chips. I skip your favourite songs when they come up on shuffle. I hide away the things you gave me. But I write. I write you letter after letter so I don’t bombard you with messages, and as I get you out of my system, the stabbing hurt ever so slowly turns into a duller ache. 

My finger hovers over the ‘Delete Account’ button on my screen. It is a bright red, a warning that there is no turning back from this, but although I still have hope that we will come back together someday, I know that I need to distance myself from the memories. We can always make new ones if we are meant to be.

I never told you but I think I loved you. I still do. All the little things that make you you have allowed you to burrow into my heart, occupying a space that I think was always meant for you. I wish I could hold you and protect you from all the hurt life will throw at you, but I cannot fight this battle for you. And so for now I will step back. I will let you go, because I know in my heart it is what is best for both of us.

The sign up page loads, flashing photos of happy couples to try and entice you to join and be as happy. I close the app and uninstall it, watching until the icon disappears from my screen. 

A crack forms in my heart but my shoulders are lighter, which I take as an indication that I am going in the right direction. I feel a tear roll down my cheek and I smile. It is melancholic, but I am sure in time I will be able to smile with joy again.

Until we meet again, my love.

[imyimyimyimyimy]

hey good luck today with whatever u got going on. u got this. and i hope something really nice happens to u today. u deserve it. 

[imyimyimyimyimy]

why do I get so offended when people unmatch me

[imyimyimyimyimy]

i did a dumb thing

and like

it's just

really fucking dumb

and I can't tell anyone I'm so fucking embarrassed

[imyimyimyimyimy]

I hate feeling like people are getting bored of me

[imyimyimyimyimy]

"I'll walk with you" is just an excuse to spend more time with someone before they go and that's romantic as fuck