in-wayyy-over-my-head

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I think the toughest thing about adulthood is that your life could be crumbling and you still have to show up and do what u need to do

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25 year old me vs. 57 year old me

A friend shared some personal news with me today - I had already heard about it from two different people.

25 year old me would have said I already heard from person 1 and person 2.

57 year old me said "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you!"

57 year old me is a much kinder person when appropriate (I also take a lot less sh!t).

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My father voted in every presidential election from 1960 - 2020 (and every other election he could vote in).

In 2016 he voted for Tr ump and none of his grandchildren were old enough to vote.

In 2020 he voted for Tr ump and two of his grandchildren voted for Biden.

This year he won't be voting but six of his grandchildren will. Five will vote for Harris (including four of his granddaughters). One will probably vote for Tr ump or maybe R F K or maybe he won't vote (we don't talk about bruno).

From 0-1 to 2-1 to 5-1. It gives me a little hope.

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I never write anymore because nothing of note happens.

Earlier today something really funny happened and I thought that's a good story I need to post that.

And now I can't remember what it was 🤦.

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Shoutout to Roku.

Yesterday my Roku remote ended up in the washing machine with my sheets.

I removed the batteries and let it dry out overnight with little hope it would be functional.

24 hours later and it works fine.

It's the little wins that make all the difference.

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My dad

My dad died a few weeks ago.

It was a long drawn out death, but the end was peaceful and I'm grateful I got to be with him when he passed.

I am exhausted and sad and numb.

My feelings are all over the place but mostly I'm sad he is gone and glad he is out of pain and lucky I had him for so long.

Life goes so quickly - enjoy the ride while you're on it.

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Make them squirm

My brothers and I are all across the political spectrum. I am the most progressive, the brother I am closest to is firmly part of the M@GA cult, and everyone else is in between.

The M@GA brother often sends out memes and other crap about politics. I used to reply but now I just ignore them - it wasn't worth the argument.

Tonight he sent something about how Kamala Harris doesn't care about the future because she doesn't have children.

I am the only sibling who doesn't have children (my mother is my only family member who thinks of Emma and Joe as my kids).

I waited a few minutes and then replied with "I assume this message was meant for me since I don't have children. I'm so hurt that you don't understand how much I love your girls. That is why I care so much about this election [and every election] - because I want a better world for them. Please remove me from this group text."

I know his text was not meant for me. My brother knows how much I love his kids and how much I do for them - I am listed as the guardian in his will. But I am so tired of his BS where he shares ra.cist and mis.ogynistic memes without thinking about how offensive they are, while my other brothers stay silent or reply with an "off color" comment or joke because "boys will be boys" (and they are all over 45).

That was three hours ago. I have numerous missed calls and texts from all of them.

I don't feel attacked or personally hurt by his comment - I KNOW it was not meant for me - it never occurred to him that I might take it personally {or that it applies to me} until I replied.

I am going to wait a day or two before replying and let them all squirm (or squirm until they forget and move on which will be much less than a day or two).

The next time he sends something that can relate to me and my life choices I'm going to reply in the same way (I'm hurt that you think of me like that). I doubt he will learn anything from this (or I'll change anyone's vote), but I will get perverse enjoyment watching him put his foot in his mouth and calling him out over and over again.

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Life lately

My father is dying. Very slowly and very painfully and I'm a mess. Part of me wants this to end asap, but a bigger part of me can't imagine my life without him.

His health has been been a roller coaster the last decade with ups and downs, but the last six months have been nothing but down hill.

His mind is okay - he doesn't have dementia, but he tires very easily and he's on a lot of pain meds and gets confused sometimes. He's still his stubborn self most of the time.

We went to breakfast last weekend - he had to use a wheel chair because he's too weak to walk from the parking lot to the restaurant (even with handicap parking). He ate three bites of his meal but he had a good time giving the waitress grief and being out and about. Unfortunately I'm eating enough for both of us.

This is going to sound so ungrateful but I feel like my life is being held hostage. Last month I was supposed to go on a work trip. I said I couldn't travel and attended remotely; I was scared he was going to pass while I was away. And here we are five weeks later and still in the same holding pattern. I had plans to go away next weekend but cancelled - I know I need a break but I won't relax and I won't enjoy myself - I'll just worry so I might as well do that at home and save $$ and spend time with my dad.

I don't think any of us can live like this for who knows how many more months (other than my brother who lives out of state and keeps calling for updates every other day and wanting to know when he should come visit - my local brother blocked him because how many times can you say the best time to visit was six months ago, the second best time to visit is today).

I'm in my 50's and my dad is in his 80's - he's lived a good life and this isn't a tragic situation - it's his time, but the uncertainty and waiting is excruciating for everyone.

I wish I had the energy to post more often - this is the closest thing I have to a journal and I want to remember this time. Maybe I'll bring my laptop when I visit my dad - it's so much easier for me to post from here vs. my phone.

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I need to do laundry but I really don't want to.

I always think I should write more here, I enjoy reading about everyone's life and I rarely post anymore. Then I write a post like this and realize how boring my life is (I'm not complaining, boring is good, I'm grateful for boring).

I still need to do laundry if I want something clean to wear tomorrow. Maybe I'll just stay in my pajamas all day.

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Happy first day of spring!

It's currently snowing here, I'm really ready for spring to spring.

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6:33 am

I've been up for about an hour, silently playing on my phone.

There are so many things I could do, but I can't get out of bed or the dog will wake up, and I really don't feel like walking her this early on a Saturday.

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The last few months have been crazy busy - one thing after another. Just life. I had no plans this weekend - absolutely nothing I had to do, so I did nothing. I didn't get out of bed yesterday - I stayed in bed with the dog and did nothing. I was the best day ever.

I didn't shower yesterday and I spent 95% of the day in bed, so I got up this morning and stripped the bed, but I still haven't showered.

I am really tired, and I need to take a shower and make the bed (because I am not getting into my clean bed without showering). Which brings me to my current dilemma.

Should I make the bed and shower, or just sleep on the mattress pad with no sheets and shower in the morning. I think I'm going to flip a coin to decide.

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Let's play a game of is it dementia or is it stress?

I sat at a stop sign today waiting for the "light" to change. I have no idea how long I sat there - I was there until someone came up behind me and honked their horn.

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having a tumblr blog is like being the curator of my own personal museum of mental breakdowns and special interests

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Joe is passionate about so many things. I understand that everything is expensive and life is not fair. I feel for people struggling financially, but Joe is not struggling financially. He lives a very privileged life and does not seem to understand how privileged it is. He lives with me, I pay for everything but his gas and car insurance (I bought the car). He currently works part-time and goes to school full-time and has no student loans.

Past trauma will never leave him, but it's been almost ten years since he lived with him mom and all the upheaval, uncertainty and poverty that it brought.

My job supports his entire life and allows him to do what he wants right now, vs. what he would have to do if things were different. I am tired of him complaining about the world that is currently supporting him. I have no desire to take a huge pay cut to do something more "worthwhile" (whatever that means). Joe would not be happy with how that would impact his life.

Instead I'm sitting here ranting about how unappreciative he is, sounding just like my father.

I was privileged when I was his age - more privileged than he is since I grew up in a safe, secure environment. I'm grateful I have the ability to help and provide for him but In a crazy way his past is why I expect better from him. He understands the alternatives - he should recognize how easy he has it right now [I really am turning into my father, and not in a good way].

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say - I'm just very frustrated with our conversation tonight and I'm not sure if I should be worried about Joe, start charging him rent (in an attempt to get him to be more financially responsible) or open a bottle of wine.

I think I'm going to open the bottle of wine.