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Isaac to Moe and Jan: If the thought of something makes you two giggle for longer than 15 seconds, you are to assume you’re not allowed to do it. 

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Moe, at Starbucks: Can I get a venti vanilla latte with um, seven espresso shots?

Isaac, in line behind him: Jesus Christ, just do cocaine.

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Jamie: *casually taking four stairs at a time* 

Roy, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-

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Sam, planning a group Halloween costume: I assigned you each a greek god that I think matches you somehow.

Moe: Did you pick Artemis for me because I'm not interested in romance?

Colin: Did you pick Apollo for me because I'm gay?

Richard: Wait you picked Hephaestus for me... Are you calling me ugly?

Jan: I don't know, but I got Hera, and I would totally throw you off a mountain.

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Dani: If I were a gardener, I would put our tulips together

Jamie: Awww

Jan: If I were a gardener, you'd be my hoe

Richard: Thanks...

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Colin: Quiet, laidback men, why do you go for loud, fiery women?

Thierry: Someone’s gotta tell the waiter I ordered mashed potatoes, and it’s not gonna be me.

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Jamie, from another room: Do you ever get a pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?

Roy: No?

Jamie: ...How about now?

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Royi: How’s Jan’s head?

Richard: The best I ever had.

Roy: His concussion!

Richard: Oh! He’s fine.

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Jamie: I think my guardian angel drinks. 

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Moe: I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that's two of the big five licenses. 

Jan: The big five licenses? 

Moe: Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, and… license to kill! I can't wait to get that one.

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Jamie: We're going mattress shopping.

Colin: You know, once we get it, we're gonna have to break it in.

Jamie: Oh, I hear what you're saying. Mattress trampoline.

Colin:

Jamie: Wait, no. You were talking about sex.

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Isaac: I'm hardcore, made of steel, and haven't felt an emotion since 2004.

Colin: I caught you crying over baby seals just two hours ago.

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Isaac: So what do you think?

Jan: I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Jamie.

Isaac: He's not even here

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Jan: Do you think when butterflies are in love, they feel humans in their stomachs?

Colin: Jan, babe, what the FUCK?

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Michael, watching a football match: If the goalkeeper is allowed to pick up the ball then why doesn't he just pick it up and run across the field to the other goal?

Colin: Babe...

Michael: Is he dumb?

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Jan, sits down, coffee in hand: Blow

Richard ... *Shrugs, gets down on his knees*

Jan: thE COFFEE- RICHARD, NO-!

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Jamie: Fist me.

Colin, choking: What-

Jamie, holding out his fist expectantly: You know, fist-bump?

Colin, entire life flashing before his eyes: What the absolute shit Ja-